Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Honesty and Marriage

Generally speaking, I have been a proponent of being honest with your spouse about just about everything. I say "generally speaking" because most of you know that I have not shared my prowling activities with my husband, and I'm not going to.

Why not? I haven't held back because I'm afraid he'd leave me.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't.  I haven't told him because I know it would hurt him, and that's something I never want to do.

I know some of my pro-fidelity readers/stalkers are thinking, "Well, Kat, if you weren't prowling, then you wouldn't have to hurt him or lie to him." Yes, yes, that's true, but then I would be miserable and frustrated. 

But I'm not trying to defend prowling here. I'm talking about the layers of honesty in a marriage.

I decided a while ago to tell Hubby about my friendship with DauntlessD.  I was really tired of keeping it a secret when there really was no reason that Hubby couldn't know. After I told him, I felt a great sense of relief.  I didn't have to lie about it anymore, and it just felt wrong keeping such an important relationship in my life a secret from my husband.

Well, the relief I felt in the beginning has been replaced with regret. My husband has become very jealous of my relationship with Daunt, even though it's not a sexual relationship. We're working through it and I'm sure we'll find a way to make it work, but it made me think about honesty in a marriage.

Lots of couples tell each other little lies so they don't hurt each other and, sometimes, just to keep the peace.  "Yes, dear, you look great in that dress." "Of course I don't mind if you go play poker with the guys until 2:00 am." "Mmmm....yes....I came twice. That was so good...."

Then there are the lies we tell that are part of a "training" behavior.  If my husband cleans the bathroom, no matter how poorly he does it, I am not going to tell him he did a crappy job because then he'll never want to do it again.  Instead, I'll say, "Honey, the bathroom looks great! Thank you!"  Then I follow that up as quickly as possible with sex.  That's how you get a man to do just about anything you want. He'll be cleaning that bathroom several times a week and, with all that practice, he'll get pretty good at it, and eventually you will be able to honestly say that he did a great job. That's Husband Training 101.

Oops, I hope I didn't give away any wifely secrets. Every now and then I read one of the popular married man game blogs where advice is given to men on how to get their wives to want to have sex with them. It makes me chuckle because most men are amateurs compared to most women when it comes to marital behavior modification.  But I digress.....

I was talking about honesty.....

I thought that little lies were ok (like the examples I just gave), but something as big as a friendship with someone should be shared. 

I don't believe that any more. Some men just can't imagine that a man could be friends with a woman without trying to get sex. I have learned recently that my husband is one of those men. I know that he gets it honestly, though, because he can't have a relationship with a woman that doesn't turn sexual, so he can't imagine that it's possible at all. And it's making him crazy jealous.

Unfortunately, telling a spouse something that you had been keeping secret for months is a bell you can't un-ring. So, I'm stuck with the fallout for now.

I shared with a friend recently what happened and that I had learned that you just can't be honest with a spouse about things like that, his reply was, "Yeah, stupid." Huh.  Apparently men have known this forever and it was only new for me.

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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Kat's Big Announcement ...After the Big Surprise and the Big Idea

As you might expect, things continue to move forward with my hubby.  Three weeks ago, he made his big announcement about his own infidelity (see Kat's Big Surprise) and then I presented my idea for an open marriage (see Kat's Big Idea), which wasn't as successful as I had hoped it would be. The good news is that it got us talking, which is how I was able to make my big announcement to hubby.

First, you need a little background. Hubby has forbidden me to have any male friends for years. Of course, he could have as many female friends as he wanted (because they were just friends, you know), but the only way I could have a male friend was if he was openly gay and preferably, in a long term relationship. Even then, hubby was uncomfortable. I won't go into the details of the lengths hubby went to in his efforts to ensure that I had to male friends, but let me assure you that they were extreme.

Then I met DauntlessD on AM. If you've been following the blog for awhile, you know that DauntlessD and I started out as romantic buddies and that the relationship changed course and we ended up becoming very close friends (see Prowling Friendships).  We connect every day via IM and/or text. We get together in person once a week, usually for lunch, to catch up and talk face-to-face. There's pretty much not a secret about me that he doesn't know. I know it's perfectly safe to tell him the truth about anything, and he won't walk away. When my world was falling apart recently and I was having an emotional meltdown, he was the one I reached out to for help.

In short, my relationship with Daunt has become a primary relationship in my life, and I'm closer to him than I am to most of my family.

But it was a secret.

It was a secret because hubby had forbidden me to have any male friends.

A couple of months ago, I came up with a way for hubby and DauntlessD to meet (see DauntlessD Meets Hubby), but it was a very brief meeting, and it didn't really do much to pave the way for our friendship to be ok with hubby.

It was very frustrating - ridiculous, actually. I knew that I should be able to be open about my friends with my husband, but it was just too hard to go there with him without it being a big deal.

Then came hubby's big surprise for me, his rejection of my big idea, and our new commitment to start talking with each other more and sharing more. The day came last week when I decided it was time to tell hubby the truth about Daunt (ok, most of the truth about Daunt...I withheld the truth about how we met and how the relationship started). So, one evening when we were talking and I was sharing some particularly difficult stuff about how I was feeling and coping with things in my life, I told him.

He immediately jumped to assuming it was an affair. I clarified for him that there is no sexual relationship.  It's a friendship.

He called it an emotional affair.  I clarified for him again that it is a friendship. Yes, there is an emotional component, but all close friendships have an emotional component, or they are not close friendships.

Then I took a deep breath and told him that I wasn't going to allow him to pick and choose or approve my friends anymore. I told him that Daunt was a very close friend (and I described more of the nature of the relationship) and that I wasn't going to give up that relationship. I told him that he should thank DauntlessD for helping me through some very difficult times when he (hubby) had been incapable of helping me. Then I told him that I wouldn't be hiding the friendship anymore; if I was texting him in the evening and hubby wanted to know who it was, I'd be telling him the truth.  If hubby wanted to know who I went to lunch with on a particular day, I'd be telling the truth from now on about that, too.

Hubby asked, "I suppose you're saying there's nothing I can do about it, right?"

I replied, "Well, yes, but you can choose to get to know him.  That may make you feel more comfortable, or you can treat him as a rival, even though he is no threat to you or our marriage.  In fact, he is a strong supporter of our marriage and of us working things out.  But it's up to you."

Whew. After nearly 23 years of marriage I finally took back my right to choose my own friends. It felt good at the moment I made the announcement, and it feels good now.

The other night I was slow playing my turn in a game of Words with Friends I was playing with hubby. He asked who else I was playing with.  I said, "I'm playing with Daunt, and I have another game going with his wife.  I'll play my turn in your game next." He said, "Oh," and got quiet in that way that I recognize as sulking.  I let the silence hang there. If that's what he needs to adjust to our "new normal," then he can have all the silence he needs to reflect on things.

After about a minute, I clarified for him, "I just want to play my turn with them first because I know they'll be going to bed soon so our time is limited, but you and I have the rest of our lives to play, don't we?"  And I kissed him. He smiled and leaned over my shoulder looking at my game with Daunt, and he said, "You can play 'FIX' right there."

Yes, we are slowly fixing things, aren't we?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

A Few Random (but Fantastic!) Thoughts from Kat

You've probably noticed from my sparse posting that I've been a bit busy lately. I wish I could say that I've been so tied up having great sex that I couldn't write (well, I do have a hot story to share with you soon...I'm Kat, after all), but the truth is that I've been working 16 hour days and work has been kicking my arse. Thankfully, you have been entertained by my good friends Dauntless and Cara in my absence. I've been quite entertained by them, too.

Speaking of Dauntless and Cara, if you're new to Prowling with Kat you may be wondering who the players are. I, of course, am Kat. I've been married for twenty-something years but I like to prowl. You can read more about that in the post Why Kat Prowls. I publish my adventures here for fun. I met DauntlessD on AM and we have become close friends (yes, seriously.... Not everything is about sex, ya know). Read his post about our friendship if you want to know more. Cara is a friend of mine in the real world, and she has the the distinction of being the only person in my real life who knows my husband and also knows about this blog and the details of my prowling. I introduced Cara to Dauntless and now you can think of us as your Prowling with Kat threesome. Oh yes, fellow Prowlers, I'm way ahead of you. Negotiations are in the works to get some HNT photos of all three of us together. I expect that to be a bigger event than a WikiLeaks document dump, Oprah's last show, and the death of Osama bin Laden - combined. Stay tuned.

So, other than working, what have I been up to? Well, I reactivated my AM profile for a couple of weeks (I pulled it again, so don't bother looking for me there) and I have a whole new list of tips to share with you soon. And I can confidently announce that, yes, there are still good men to be found there.

I also received a nice new mini-vibe from Eden Fantasys to try out and review. Would you believe that I've been so busy that I carried it around in my purse almost two weeks before trying it? I know! That's outrageous! I've tried it once, but I promised a good friend that I would demo it for him on webcam before I review it and Kat always keeps her word (well, except to my husband when I promised to be faithful until death, but come on, he couldn't have thought I was serious). Besides, my webcam buddy is absolutely delicious, so why wouldn't I demo it for him first? I'll tell you more about it over the weekend, but for now I'll just say that it's a really good thing that the little vibe can get wet safely.

There's a new cheater's blog out there you should check out. Strayer is author of Waiting on the Inbox, a chronicle of his Ashley Madison experience. It's worth a look.

The most important news I have to share with you today is that the doctor has cleared me for sex!  Woohoo! So, the sex moratorium is over and I can get back to living again. I survived it.....and can't wait to see my honey.

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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

DauntlessD Meets Hubby

In my post, When Worlds Collide, I shared how difficult it can be sometimes to keep my Kat world separate from my more respectable world. Well, today those two worlds came face to face, shook hands, and introduced themselves to each other, in a manner of speaking.

DauntlessD met Hubby.

First, let me back up for a moment and tell you who DauntlessD is (for those of you who don't already know). I met DauntlessD (let's just call him D, for short, shall we?) on Ashley Madison 6 or 7 months ago. Yes, our relationship started out as most others on AM do - flirting, getting to know each other, meeting - but it quickly developed into a wonderfully supportive friendship. D describes it better than I do in his post, Prowling Friendships.

Because there is no hanky panky going on, and because we've become such good friends, there shouldn't be a problem going public with the friendship, right?  Wrong.  How we met remained  a difficult point.  I can just imagine it now....."Hubby, this is D.  I met him on Ashley Madison while I was looking for an affair and some hot sex, but D and I are friends and we're not having sex so it's ok, right?"  Uh......no.

So, we had to find a way to bring D into my respectable world in a way that would a) make Hubby feel comfortable with him, b) provide an acceptable excuse for him to be around from time to time, and c) provide an acceptable excuse for me to be texting and emailing him.  We figured it out (I'd tell you the secret, but then I may have to kill you) and today was D-day, the day to launch the plan and arrange for Hubby and  D to casually meet. It was set up to happen at my office.

I looked out my window and saw Hubby walking up the parking lot toward the back door. Hubby walked in and stepped into the office and the first desk he saw was one where D was sitting. I held my breath.

Then I heard:

Hubby: Hi, I'm Hubby (he used his real name, of course), Kat's husband.

D:  I'm D (doesn't he have a great way with words?)

Hubby: Kat said you'd be here today and that you'd be coming around from time to time.  Nice to meet you.

Then the conversation continued for another few seconds, but I couldn't hear what was said. I exhaled, before I passed out, and Hubby came directly into my office with some mail. We shared a little small talk, and he went about his business.

A little while later, D and I snuck out (separately, of course, and five minutes apart) and met for lunch.

Score! We did it! We successfully brought the two worlds together without me having a heart attack, and now our friendship is a little bit closer to being fully out of the closet, so to speak.

As first time AM meetings go, I thought this one was pretty successful, don't you?

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Prowling Friendships

My previous blog posts were requested by Kat, but now it is time for me to take the training wheels off and post something on my own.

Roughly six months ago I began reflecting on my life and discovered I was bored; just flat tired of the drudgery of the same old routine. Also due to some of life's curve-balls I was discontent and more socially isolated than I liked. Quietly I began looking for some relief to these problems and found Ashley Madison.

On the outset sex seemed to be the primary objective; that is what Ashley Madison is for right? In the end, Ashley Madison gave me something completely unexpected.

So how did I come to be Prowling with Kat? Well that story in and of it self is rather typical, married boy creates account on Ashley Madison and meets married girl. What is not typical, the part that is truly unique, is the relationship that has grown between me and Kat. We have become fast friends, partners in crime, and confidants. Our differences are as striking as the ways we compliment, support and encourage one another.

Our assumption has been that spawning a friendship like ours from Ashley Madison is rare, but maybe we are wrong. What do you think? Anyone out there have a similar story?