The Tension, The Battle

By SomewhereMan

For all of the advice that Kat doles out here and, believe you/me as I write this, it is 99.44% dead-on accurate and true, there is still a bit of ambiguity over how to handle "walking away".

There is PWK and there should be an alternative site called RFP, short for Retiring From Prowling. With Kat as my witness (and confidant), I am trying to walk away.

It is hard.

Not because I'm a sexy man. Not because I am a confident man still plagued with the insecurity or the need for physical passion.

It is because I am trying to keep it together.

Two years ago, I entered this world after years of neglect. Uncertain of what I would find, I enjoyed an emotional, long-distance affair that turned physical before it fizzled. Only her touch, her attention and her desire for me ignited the rocket fuel of male desire within me. I had gone years without being told I was good looking. Years without being thrown onto a bed and having a woman do whatever she wants with me. It was, as if, in that instant, I had left years of being a "pussy male" behind and had, overnight, become the Alpha Male I always wanted to be.

In the despair of the end of the first affair, I reached out to AM. For the ol' timers here, a blog from Riff Dog set out the blueprint for how to succeed on AM with a minimum of mistakes. I delved into AM with the furor of someone learning how to count cards in a casino or study for the LSAT. Within weeks, I had mastered "the game".

Poker players have heard the old saying, "just give me a chip and a chair". For me, it was just give me 20 AM credits and a few hotties within 50 miles and let's get cracking.

This week, I had a bit of out-of-town travel. Lots of time for a man to think. The sheer numbers both made me pump my chest up and also feel ashamed for how reckless I had become. In my two years of prowling, I was truly "active" on AM for about 10 months. In that time, I got nekkid with 12 AM women plus I had two "home grown" affairs where the "I love you"s were exchanged quite often before dumpings that took me months to get over.

One of them I will probably never get over. Home Grown Woman #2 broke my heart and I see it every day. Now she is living with a man 30 years older than I am. Oh... and this old man is also my closest colleague. Our offices are 10 feet apart. He doesn't know (or so I've been told) about the affair but, every time I see the old man in the hours and hours we are in meetings and working on projects, I look at his frail body and am reminded that I wasn't good enough for HGW#2, that I wasn't rich enough, that I didn't meet her standards. It punctures me every day. Every time I watch the old man chug 12 pills throughout the course of the day at the office.

I am just coming off a six-month relationship with a very dynamic woman off AM. We are both influential people in our circles and lead high-profile lives. She also gave me the best sex of my life. Nothing was out of bounds. Yet our affair was very rocky once we got past the third month. Her home became more violent. I once answered a covert email to take her to the hospital after her husband punched her in the eye because she was shaking so badly. So I did it. With love. That's what people do when they care about each other.

I remember Kat writing about how, at that stage of time, an affair really becomes more of a relationship that needs constant nurturing. That means gifts. That means remembering the little things. Last month, her emails trailed off from 15 a day that always mentioned how badly she needed to rip my clothes off to one or two emails a day that could have come from my sister. The three-hour marathon sex encounters were now down to one-hour "appointments" where, once she was finished, the clothes would come back on and I would drive her back to our meeting point.

By this point, it was like I had a second wife who would nag and nitpick me about clothing or if I had an eyebrow out of place. "You know what you should do?" was how far too many sentences from her were starting out.

Amid my paranoia at not getting a straight answer, I went back on AM to "check up" and see where she was. Yup. Same profile from when we met. I know not to expect truth from a fellow prowler and I never tricked myself into thinking that I loved her. Yet the sting still hurt -- even though I was actively looking for a "way out" with her.

After a day of sniping, via e-mail, we met for the "big breakup" in a mall parking lot. She cried a little but, for the most part,this was handled with the same emotional level of calling your car insurance agent and telling him you're not going to renew. I heard the usual "work is so busy and now I feel guilty" line that I had used on other women. Usually when I had a hotter, more adventurous one already lined up.

I am one of the fortunate ones. My family is still intact. Whatever sorrow I feel from the hard breakups is mine and mine alone to deal with. All of the women have, apparently, moved on. I am trying to in my own life as I fill my time with activities that aim to keep me doing good and not self destructing.

Which leads me back to AM. I still have 45 credits left. I am SO good at the AM game. I sent out 5 messages and have had 4 responses, my usual 80-90% response clip. Only, this time, my heart just isn't into it. I've experienced the best of prowling over the past two years. Showers, threesomes, anal exploration, discovering and uncovering my desired level of kink and having it met, spanking, bending beautiful women over soft couches and thrusting them until can't stop farting because they have lost total control. (yes, that is a proud accomplishment).

Only it turned out to be empty. Once the burst is done and the last kiss of an encounter is over, the same thought flies through my head. How do I get rid of her for good? Stay "home" is getting better? How many more times must I keep taking chances that I won't be spotted leaving a hotel or having a beautiful women in the passenger seat of my car in my neighborhood? When does it end?

Prowling does lead to pussy and, eventually, paranoia for the careful ones. For me, though, the paranoia has nearly destroyed all of the peaceful elements of my life. I gotta get a grip.

Be well and be safe, fellow Prowlers.

SWM