Let's Cut Mrs. Patraeus Some Slack

I know you've been waiting for my thoughts on the Patraeus scandal.  I've been meaning to write about it, but the story keeps changing and more dirt keeps surfacing. It's a sex blogger's dream.

So, yes, I'll be sharing thoughts about it in several posts to come, but I wanted to comment now on how the blogosphere is treating Mrs. Patraeus.

I've read everything from rating her a "1" compared to the Broadwell being rated a "10" to many commentaries arguing that her husband wouldn't have cheated if she were better looking or more in shape or hotter or gave better head or....or.....or....

Bullshit.

The romance started when Patraeus was in Afghanistan.  He was away from his wife for a long time.  She could have been Jennifer Lopez and it wouldn't have mattered.  She wasn't there, through no fault of her own.

Then he was back in the country, but the relationship with Broadwell was already established by then. Mrs. Patraeus didn't have at chance at that point.

Other things to remember:

Mrs. Patraeus was in her late 50's when the affair started and Broadwell was in her late 30's. The Patraeus' had been married for over 30 years. Mrs. Patraeus could have been Ann Margaret and it wouldn't have mattered. There's no way she could compete with fresh, young pussy.  Period.

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A little sidebar here.  Most of you know that my Hubby did a fair share of cheating over a recent five year period.  My Hubby adores me. We get along very well. We're good friends. Yeah, I could be in better shape, but sex is not bad between us.  Sometimes it's downright amazing. He loves it. I'm the one who gets bored.  I give the world's best blow job. I don't deny him anything he wants to try in bed. Nothing. But he's a man, and he has a penchant for 18-25 year old women. I'm 48. There is absolutely nothing I can do to compete with new, young pussy - at least in the sexual arena. I can't be what I am not. I can be a lot of wonderful and sexually satisfying things, but I'm not 20 anymore. Is that my fault? Of course not. Is it his fault that he's attracted to that?  No. That's how men are made. Does it mean he doesn't love me? No.

Ok, back to the story.....

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Then there's the ego stroking. Holly has known her husband for almost 4 decades. She knows just about everything there is to know about his habits, character, strengths and weaknesses. Paula, on the other hand, was just discovering him and telling him how wonderful he was. That would be almost irresistible to most men in his situation, but then add to that the flattery of being attractive to and desired by such an attractive younger woman.

Add all of this to the fact that men are biologically predisposed to cheat and there's no way you can blame this on his wife. You know that I don't believe there is ever a truly innocent party in an affair.  A marriage rarely splinters unless there is something missing that both parties in the marriage have some power to change, but even given that, we should remember that the odds of a man being 100% sexually faithfully over the life of a long term marriage are very slim.

You can argue about whether it's right or wrong, but you can't eliminate the reality that a majority of married men cheat at some point in their marriage.

David Patraeus did what men do. He fell for the charms of an attractive younger woman who made him feel like a god - both in bed and out of bed.  He made that choice. I'm sure he enjoyed it for most of the affair. If he hadn't enjoyed it, he wouldn't have kept doing it.

Back to his wife....My heart aches for her. She has, by all accounts, been a good and faithful wife for over 35 years. It's true that men have a tendency to cheat, but it's rare that it becomes international news and, literally "everyone knows about it."  She has to put her marriage (and her self-esteem) back together in the midst of an unbelievable level of media attention and jerks who think they are being funny by poking fun at her appearance and implying (or saying directly) that she is responsible for the affair because she somehow wasn't good enough to keep her husband faithful. It's just wrong.

David Patraeus was and is 100% responsible for where he puts his dick.

Let's cut Mrs. Patraeus some slack.

Why I Cheat

If you've been reading this blog for more than a week, you know that I love my husband.  I love him very much. He's an important part of my life, and I will never leave him.  Never.

But our sex life is....I don't even know the right words to describe it.  There have been periods over the last 25 years when we have gone over a year without sex. There have been many periods when the dry spell lasted months or weeks. Last summer/fall we tried to revitalize our sex life and it got really good and frequent for about three months, then it slowly started limping back to the routine.

Most, although not all, of his desire for sex is gone these days.  We have sex primarily because he wants to keep me from leaving him. So I get "serviced" a few times a week. I know some of you guys out there know exactly what I'm talking about. It's passionless.  Sometimes it's loving, which is nice, but usually it's just routine.  I feel like I'm one of his household chores and, to be honest, that feeling breaks my heart. It makes me feel like less of a wife, less of a woman.

I'll try different positions, role playing, reading erotica to him, whatever.  It may work for a night, but the routine creeps back overnight.

Have we talked about it?  Ad nauseum. But the bottom line is that I can't make him want sex.  I can't make him want sex with me. Still, I know he's trying.  What he would rather do is just not deal with it, pretend there is no problem and go to sleep, but I won't let him. Correction.  I would gladly let him do that, but he's haunted by the fear that I'll fall in love with a fuck buddy and leave him - which will never happen - but I completely understand the fear.  So, we both keep trying.

Have we tried counseling? Yup.  We're still going, and the sessions go in circles sometimes. We'll keep going mainly because it demonstrates to him that I'm committed to our relationship. I don't expect it to solve much, but it has helped to some degree.  At least we can talk about it now, and that sure beats the uncomfortable silence about sexual issues we've lived with for the last decade or so.

When you reach this point in a long term marriage, it's no one's fault. It's painful for both of us. And we know that the odds are that it will get worse, not better. His interest in sex, in general, is going to continue to decline and mine is showing no signs of slowing down.  In fact, it's increasing. He gets to live with he pain of not be able to fully satisfy his wife's sexual needs, and I get to live with the pain of knowing that I won't be able to have a satisfying sexual relationship with the man I love - for the rest of my life (or his). Remaining sexually faithful means that I accept that I will probably never have passionate, hot sex again with a man who really wants me. Ouch. This was something we never considered when we got married with a nearly 20 year age difference between us.

To those who find fault with my decision and the decision of others like me, I say, walk in my shoes for awhile before you judge. Better yet, spend some time in my bed. ;-)

To give you an idea of what I'm talking about, here's how sex with Hubby went last night....along with the thoughts that flashed through my head (in italics)....

We went to bed a little later than normal because our youngest kept bouncing up out of bed. Those of you with kids know how that is.  Once he was finally asleep, we settled in. Hubby scooched over to my side of the bed and started kissing me while his hand slid up to one of my boobs. His kisses were nice, deep, wet kisses. Mmmm. I knew he didn't really want sex, but it had been a few days so it was time to "service" me. Great.

Why doesn't he ever kiss me like that when he doesn't want sex? And I'll bet this lasts for a total of 60 seconds, just long enough for him to check the "foreplay" box on his checklist.  At least he's trying...and when he does kiss me, he's a pretty good kisser. It has been about a minute, now it's time for his hand to move down....

Hubby's hand moved down to my pussy.  I spread my legs open a little and he slid a finger between my lips.

Ahhhh....now yer talkin'.

Hubby asked, "Do you want to play with Spartacus?"

Let me think for a minute...YES! That's like asking me, "Honey, do you want to cum?"

"Sure," I replied.  "That would be nice." I reached into the drawer next to me and pulled out Spartacus and handed it to him.

As I handed Hubby the toy, he sighed.

What the fuck was that?  A sigh?  Is this too much trouble for you? You know, I can do this by myself. Or I can do this with someone else.

I asked, "Is there a problem?" He sighed again. "No, no.  It's ok."  "What's ok?" I asked. "Nothing," he answered."Do we need any lube?" I put his hand back on my wet pussy again, and asked, "What do you think?" He smiled and turned Spartacus on.

He started rubbing the vibrator on my clit, and I started moaning immediately.

Nice.  Very nice.

Then he started sucking on one of my nipples and moving the vibe around.

What's he doing?

I took his hand and moved it back to my clit again and told him to just hold it there, don't move.  I'll move. I started rocking my hips forward and back, moving against the vibe. Dang, that felt good. As he sucked on my nipple, I got close to coming quickly, pumping my hips a little faster.

Suddenly, the vibe moved out of position.

Uuugghhhhh.  I was so close!  What the heck happened?


I reached down to move his hand back into position.  That's when I realized it.

No fucking way!


He had fallen asleep.

Now what?  Do I wake him up?  Do I just finish myself?  Do we talk about it? Do I tell him how I insignificant and unattractive I feel because he can't even stay awake during sex that he initiated? Do I just let it go?


It took everything in me to keep from crying, but that would just make it worse. I took Spartacus out of his hand and turned it off.  That jarred him awake.  He kissed me. He said sleepily, "Wanna suck on my cock for a while?"

Are you kidding me????

"Sure, " I replied.

He got up on his knees in the bed and I leaned over on my elbow and started sucking him. I know how to make him cum quickly, so that's the mode I went into.  It was clear he was enjoying it.

Oh?  You're awake now?  How nice.

Before he came, I stopped and told him I wanted him to fuck me, hoping that maybe I'd get to come that way. He sighed....again.

What's with the sighs?

He paused a long time before he answered, but I had already moved into position when he finally said, "Okay." He entered me from behind, which felt fantastic and he fucked me nice and hard.  In about 60-90 seconds, just when it started to feel really good for me and I was actually thinking I might get to come, he was done.

As he cleaned up, he said, "That was great, Honey! Thanks!  Did you enjoy it, too?" I pretended I didn't hear and shuffled off to the bathroom to clean up.

In a few minutes, the lights were off and we were in bed again.  "I love you, Kat," Hubby said. I replied, "I love you, too, Hubby." And I meant it.

So, I have another 2-3 days before the next round of unsatisfying sexual humiliation at my house. It turns out that that is just the amount of time I need to forget how sad and hurt I am and to start feeling better about myself. Then it will happen again, or some variation of it.

Some of you understand. Some of you don't. Some of you judge me harshly.

For those of you who get it, you're not alone. For those of you who don't, I pray that you never have to live with a situation like this for so long that you come to understand it.  For your sake, I hope you never get it.

But this is why I cheat.

When the Spouse Suspects. . .

So, what do you do when it becomes clear to you that the spouse has suspicions about your extramarital activities? I'm not talking about when you have been caught, but when your spouse is still at the suspicion stage (I'll write about what to do if you've been caught in another post).

If you find out that your spouse is suspicious, it's time to circle the wagons.  For those of you not familiar with that American old west reference, it means to focus on self-preservation. In the context of prowling, it means that it's time to focus on your marriage and cover your tracks.

Here are my tips for smoothing things over before they get out of hand:

1. Stay calm.  If you start deleting email and taking other actions without thinking, you are actually more likely to get caught. Stop.  Take a deep breath.  If your spouse is there with you, give her a hug and tell her that you love her.  I assume this is true.
2. Think about your recent behavior.  What have you done to cause her to be suspicious?  Don't kid yourself.  She didn't get suspicious for no reason. Take an honest look at your behavior and try to pinpoint where you went wrong (besides cheating in the first place).
3. Stop all current cheating behavior. I'm not saying you have to stop it forever, but at least until things calm down at home. Your sweetie will understand (unless you picked a young single woman; in that case you're beyond my help).
4. Don't immediately contact your lover unless there is an imminent threat.  Remember that your spouse will be watching you closely (and she'll probably have her friends watching you, too). You may have to wait a few days before making contact with your lover.  You'll live.  So will she. (Don't I sound authoritative as I say that?  Sometime I'll tell you about how I melt down and call Daunt crying like a baby if I don't hear from JJ for two days. Daunt should get an award for putting up with me.)
5. Spend more time with your wife. She needs you.  Be there for her.  Assure her. Do some things you enjoy doing together.
6. Have sex with your wife -- or at least try to.  She needs to know that you still want her.  Don't pull away now.  In fact, in many cases it's a change in the sex life that makes a spouse get suspicious in the first place. If you're the wife, do not stop having sex with your husband.  It's both wrong and stupid.
7. Make sure you get rid of any evidence.  Do this calmly and only when it is safe. If you just can't bear to delete those emails, you'd better secure them somehow so your spouse will never be able to get to them. And then, pay attention to #8....
8. Always remember that your spouse is smarter than you think she is. If you think your online activities are safe because your wife is not computer literate, be aware that she will find someone who is computer literate to help her snoop. People who feel that their marriage and family may be threatened become very creative and ingenious. When my husband suspected me, he did some things to check up on me that I never thought he'd be able to do.  Oops. 
9. Don't admit to anything! If your spouse is truly only suspicious and she doesn't know about your affair for sure, do not admit to an affair. It will hurt her necessarily. I know some people disagree with this, and choose to take the opportunity to admit things so they can move forward with trying to fix their marriage.  I respect that view, too, but it's dangerous. Don't do it unless you're ready for a divorce because that's where you may be headed. My advice is a bit different if you have been caught, of course.  You'll get that post soon.
10. Consider ending the affair, or at least taking a break.  You have the option of thanking your lucky stars that it was just a close call and ending the affair before you do irreparable damage to your marriage. The truth is that suspicion leads to more monitoring, and your chances of getting caught are higher if your spouse already has strong suspicions. If you decide to end it or take a break, please tell your lover and tell her the truth.  Just disappearing is cruel. Trust me.  I've been there.  It's no fun at all.

Any other tips for this situation, Prowlers?

Hours 5-16 of My 24 Hour Date with JJ

The air as JJ and I walked out of the spa was cool and refreshing.  We talked about how it was 100 degrees at home, but here it was perfect. Who wanted to go home anyway?  I sure didn’t!

We got into his car and started driving.  Out of Oakland and on the Bay Bridge to San Francisco.  But home is the other way.  Who cares?  We were in no hurry and we were both just enjoying the drive and each other. I guess you could say we took the long way home. It was a perfect day for a drive  – a beautiful sunny California day.  We cruised through Golden Gate Park, then the Presidio.  Then we crossed over the Golden Gate Bridge, and up to Marin before circling back around toward the Valley. 

As we drove, we talked. We talked about our families, our childhoods, our work. On parts of the journey we didn't talk at all; we just looked at the scenery in silence, and that was comfortable, too. Eventually, though, I started to get antsy. I wanted to get to the hotel because there were still so many things I wanted to do with him that were not going to happen in his car.

When we got back to town, it was dinnertime, so we went to the nice restaurant next door to our hotel and shared a meal. We talked some more. Still, nothing felt hurried or rushed.  Then we checked into the hotel and I went to the room while JJ left to take care of some business for an hour or two. 

I welcomed the opportunity to clean up a bit, put on my sexy new black satin and lace nightie, and touch base via text message with my friends DauntlessD and Cara. Dauntless just wanted to know that I was ok and safe and having a good time. Cara, though, wanted details, which I was not prepared to share at the time. Every now and then I'd get a text from JJ letting me know what he was up to and how close he was to being back to the hotel.

I thought time would pass more quickly if I watched the Giants game, but it wasn't on any of the channels the hotel carried.  I thought, seriously? No ballgame? I thought this was a decent hotel...until that moment. I judge hotels by many indicators, including cleanliness, safety, price, check in times, discretion of  front desk staff, accessible back entrances, well hidden parking lots, and, yes, television access to key sporting events.  The lack of the Giants game was just annoying, so I turned off the tv, climbed into bed, and waited for JJ's return.

I didn't have to wait long. JJ let himself in and came over to the bed and kissed me. The room was dimly lit. I had all the lights off except the one in the entryway. 

As we were kissing, I whispered, "Why don't you get out of those clothes?"

In no time at all, he was naked and climbing into bed with me. The first thing he did was wrap his arms around me and pull me close to him as he kissed me. I loved that. In that moment, it was like he was pulling me away from the world and all of its distractions and focusing my attention entirely on him. 

I reached down and found his already hard cock and started stroking him slowly, but firmly, as his hand found its way to my pussy, fingers circling my clit. We lay facing each other, still kissing. I shifted slightly so I could open my legs wider for him and he rewarded me by sliding a finger deep inside me. I gasped and arched my back as his fingertip grazed that special spot inside me. He smiled.

"There it is," he said.

I nodded.

He added another finger and started finger fucking me deeply. I bucked against his hand, conflicted - wanting to tell him I wanted his cock inside me, but not wanting him to stop what he was doing. 

He whispered, "Is my little slut going to cum for me again?"

"Yes," I answered, nodding and gripping his arm as the pleasure built. "Just like that. Please. Like that."

My hips started shuddering and he moved his hand faster, harder. I screamed as I let go, feeling the pulsating pleasure ripple through me.

"I can feel you coming, Baby," he said.

I couldn't respond, except to nod and moan. I closed my eyes and focused on the sensations I was experiencing - his fingers inside me, his lips on mine, his tongue in my mouth, his chest against my breast, the coolness of the room and the warmth of his body and his breath.

As I recovered, he asked, "What do you want now, Kat?"

I love those easy questions.

"I want to feel your cock inside me," I said.

"Oh? How do you want it?" he whispered as he started kissing and sucking on my neck.

He knows I can barely think when he kisses my neck like that, but he does it anyway. Hmmm....

I stammered, "Any way you want it. Anything you want."

He rolled over and rose to his knees. I did the same, leaning on my forearms as he moved behind me. He positioned the head of his cock at the entrance to my tight asshole. Then he moved it down between my pussy lips, then back to my ass again. He playfully moved it back and forth.

"Decisions, decisions," he said.

I giggled. My giggles stopped as he started sliding his cock into my ass. I squealed at first. He paused to give me a moment to adjust, then I took a deep breath and leaned back against him. A satisfied groan escaped his mouth as I pressed all the way back. 

He grabbed my hips and started fucking my ass slowly at first, then faster.  

"Oh my god, that feels so good," I murmered. "Yes, Fuck my ass, Baby.. Fuck your slut hard, just like I need it."

JJ responded exactly as I expected. He pounded me hard while I squeezed his cock as hard as I could, holding on to the edge of the bed to keep myself from being pushed into the wall in front of me. I heard him moan and felt him tighten his fingers on my skin. He came in a series of three slow, forceful, final thrusts. He held me back against him for about 15 seconds after the last thrust, before leaning forward and kissing my back, then my neck. 

He collapsed next to me and I curled up in his arms again. We talked and kissed and made love a couple more times over the next couple of hours before falling asleep in each other's arms.

I woke up a few hours later. JJ was sleeping on his side, facing away from me, so I snuggled up behind him and breathed in his scent. That same scent would lightly linger in my hair, on my skin, and my clothes as a reminder of him after we parted. I breathed him in again and thought about how I would be at home with my husband and kids doing something quite mundane - like making dinner or washing dishes - when that scent would barely brush by me, and my body would respond as if he were there. My nipples would harden and I'd feel my panties grow damp. I'd close my eyes, taking a break from whatever I was doing for just a moment, and picture him there with me again, touching me as only he could. And so I'd be reminded of him until I opened my eyes again and came back to the present moment.

But at that moment, I was listening to him breathe as he slept, and I started kissing his back and neck gently and reaching my hand around to stroke him and feel his cock awake slowly before the rest of him. 

As he started to stir into consciousness, I turned onto my side, facing away from him, and he rolled over and followed me, wrapping his arms around me and pressing against my back.  He rubbed his hardness against me, and I arched my back and shifted so he could access whichever hole he wanted. He slid his cock between my pussy lips first a few times, and I thought he might just cum there without entering me, but after a minute or so, he pulled his cock back and then slowly slid it into my ass. We moved together slowly, lazily. No words were spoken. Soon he moved his arm down around my hips and held me back onto him as he finished with a flurry of quick thrusts. Then he moaned and kissed my shoulder. 

Moments later, I heard his breathing become even again as he drifted back to sleep, his arms still tight around me.