I know what I'm talking about. I have been "the other woman" with more than a few "happily married" men. I've listened to countless stories about their wives and their marriages and how they would like them to be different. The first thing I want to tell you is that, almost without exception, they really do love you and they really do want their marriages to work. But some things are missing.
Here are some tips to help you address those things before your man steps out of the marriage to find them:
- Don't underestimate the importance of a sexual relationship to man. Women tend to minimize the importance of sex and write it off as a male perversion, but it's not. Wanting sex regularly, particularly with the woman they love, is completely normal - biologically and emotionally. Cutting it off has all sorts of ramifications, not the least of which is that they will often feel unwanted and like they are not fully appreciated as a man. It's a big deal. Please stop acting like it's not. We could debate all day about whether other things in a relationship are or should be more important, but that doesn't matter. The fact remains that your husband needs a satisfying sexual relationship with you to be truly happy in the marriage. It's not just a want, but a need.
- Make your husband feel like sex with him is important to you, too. The one thing I have heard from every single married man I've ever been with is what a turn on it is to be with a woman who wants to have sex, and who wants to have sex with him. They feel like you don't want them anymore and your half-hearted attempts to give in to them as you openly act like you just want it over with as soon as possible are hurtful to some and downright offensive to others. Your husband's sexual satisfaction is not just about orgasm. He needs to feel that you want to have sex with him and that you enjoy it.
- Get help to get over your "issues." Many men say that their wife has just lost interest in sex and that there appears to be nothing that either spouse can do about that. That is simply not true. If you have lost interest in sex, please go to your doctor and tell him that you have lost interest and ask for help. There are many biological conditions that might be interfering with your libido. Work with your doctor to find any problem, if there is one, and treat it. After that, if you still have no desire, seek counseling.
- Learn to give (and like) oral sex. Men like oral sex. I often hear them say that their wives won't do it or that their wives don't do it well. If I told you that learning to give good head might be the difference between losing or keeping your husband, would you do it? Good girl. So, educate yourself. When I was newly married, I knew my husband loved to receive oral satisfaction, but I also felt very inadequate because I knew I didn't know what I was doing. One day, I sat him down and I told him how I was feeling. I told him that I wanted to learn how to do it, and I asked him if he would teach me what he likes and what he doesn't. And I also asked him to be patient with me. Before I was even done saying that, his pants were off and his cock was hard, and he was ready to give me my first lesson. He talked me through it. I tried different things. He gave me immediate feedback (kind words, moans, and cum) when I did it well. I practiced....a lot, because it was important to me to please him. I also looked at some books and videos and tried to learn even more. I really got into it and learned to like it (a lot), and my husband was turned on by the fact that I wanted to learn.
- Speak up, and teach your husband what turns you on. Trust me, your pleasure is a big turn on for your husband. If he's just missing the mark, so to speak, in helping you come to orgasm, show him what to do. Talk him through it. He will get the message that you really want pleasure, which he will love, and he'll want to give it to you. For a man, a huge part of feeling sexually powerful is knowing that he can please a woman. I've been with men who who were just deliriously excited that they could make me come because they thought they had lost the ability to bring a woman pleasure and my orgasm showed them that wasn't true. Their wives' lack of interest had actually convinced these men that there was something wrong with them. They had lost confidence, and they went to another woman to get it back. Let your husband please you. Show him how. If you don't know how, get professional help (see #3, above).
- Have more sex. Interestingly, the more you have sex, the more you'll want sex. It stimulates the pleasure center of your brain and gets your hormones and other juices flowing. Sometimes the best way to shake your libido awake is just to start having sex.
- Try something new. Buy your husband a sex toy to try out on you. Get an instructional sex book or DVD and try new positions together. You can never be "fresh pussy" for your husband like you were when you were first married, but you can do the next best thing - you can keep it as fresh as possible by not falling into a routine of doing the same thing every time. You may think that your husband should take the lead on this if it matters to him, but often your husband won't try something new because he's afraid he'll offend you and then he won't get any sex at all (and that is something most men want to avoid at all costs). If you bring up new things to try, he'll know that you understand how important the sexual relationship is to him and you'll keep him wondering what fun thing you'll come up with next. And that will keep him at home with you.
- Remember that sex starts outside the bedroom. I know. Men are really bad about this. I can't tell you how many times over the last 20+ years my husband has been short with me or cranky and then wanted sex when we went to bed. It's like there's a total disconnect between the brain and the cock. Still, if you want your husband to stay sexually interested in you, you need to give him something to be interested in. Send him sweet (and maybe even dirty) little text messages and notes ("Watching you come out of the shower this morning got me wet, too. Can't wait 'til tonight." "I love you. Can't wait to feel your arms around me again."). Get as naughty as you want. This is your husband, for goodness' sake! Don't be shy. Just remember, if your husband is having an affair, he's going to be getting even naughtier little messages than the examples I gave you, and he'll love them and they will make him rush to her to get some of the real thing. Don't you want him thinking about you and rushing home to you instead?
- Be nice to your husband. This is really part of #8, but I wanted to list it separately because it's very important. Please forgive me for being so blunt, but some of you are just bitches to your men. You henpeck them and try to control them constantly, your speak to them very harshly and rudely, and you belittle their attempts at affection. Why are you surprised when they find escape in the arms of a woman who speaks softly and gently to them and treats them nicely? Now, this doesn't apply to all of you because I often hear from men that they love everything about their wives except their sex lives, but I also hear from others that they are tired of being treated like a meal ticket and a home repair man. When a marriage is going through a rough spell, it can be hard to remember the basic courtesies of companionship, but please make an effort. Say "please" and "thank you." Follow the basic rule you learned from your mom - "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" - and follow the Golden Rule.
- Don't give up. It's hard to change behavior and learn new skills and habits, even if you really want to. Please don't give up. The cost will be a great one if you quit, but the payoff if you persevere will be wonderful. Imagine your husband doting on you like he did when you were first married. Wouldn't you love to be fully satisfied in the bedroom? You can be, and so can he. No, it's not as easy as it was when you were new together, but that doesn't mean that it can't be even better if you make a good effort. Isn't he worth it?
# 9 is my fave....
hmmm ...number 2 is right on....it shouldnt be a favour - its because of desire...
I wish I could forward this to the person who lives at the other end of our house. These are spot on - you should be getting about $200/hour for this type of counseling!
These are very good tips. I would like to point out that keeping in good physical shape (especially critical if your husband is in good shape) is very important. I see wayyyy too many fat, dumpy wives with fit husbands. Not "letting yourself go," is quite important. Looks arent everything, but it isn't fair to not try to look pretty anymore because your husband loves you.
This is awesome. As a regular user of AM, I could come up with my own list of things men can do to keep their wives. So many of them have the same story as well (surprisingly).
Wow, I'm just now reading back through your blog (since I just found it recently). This was perfect. I wish someone would print this out and give it to my wife! LOL.
#9 is perfect, spot-on.
As a philanderer, I very much related to this post. It's no excuse - many men go through all of this and still stay faithful - but I think more women need to understand this very list if they're marriage is going to stay happy period. If sex is unimportant to you, don't be overly surprised if your man doesn't see the importance of his sex being WITH you. Would you mind if I linked to this?
Very good tips - thanks for sharing this.
Wow, what a GREAT post! I'm sure it probably would piss off some wives but, I'm kinda thinking that they'd also be the ones who just don't "get it", too.
I would also like to touch on something you mentioned in #8. I really think most men simply do not get the fact that sex does in fact start before our pants come off. I bet most guys would be surprised to find out just how far little things like taking out the trash or unloading the dishwasher without being asked an take you with you wife. The brain/cock disconnect can be hard to overcome but we men have to realize that we play a big role in that area, too.
This is a great post! I think men and women can learn a lot from this! I love #4 because that's almost exactly how I learned to suck cock too! My college boyfriend was only the 2nd guy I'd slept with and I was clueless about oral. He gladly gave me lessons every free second we had! You are an amazing writer! I love your posts!
I wanted to thank for writing such an awesome blog! I've enjoyed every posting.
As a sexually frustrated husband you are spot on how we feel. #9 was refreshing to read. Sad thing about oral is my wife is the first woman that could bring me to orgasm except for my first time. Frustrating since I finally know how awesome it is.
Couldn't be a more perfect list ever! Each item I've expressed at one point or another, maybe not so well but this should be in every marriage counselor's pocket.
While I think you have a good point, after carefully observing the psychology behind romantic relationships, I have noticed that men will usually marry the woman who put up the most resistance to him in the first place. He thought she was an exciting "challenge" and considered her high value because he had to work for her. Yet she usually does not feel as attracted to him as the women who he played and forced into the role of fuck buddy or friend with benefits and considered too "easy" to be marriage material. Then he acts all upset and victimized when the woman he choose to marry is still acting like a frigid bitch even after they are married. But is it really a surprise? Usually she has always been that way to him. He thought he would finally have her by marrying her. Yet nothing has really changed.
Ironically these men will cheat with women that really are attracted to them, so that they can finally have the sexual satisfaction they crave, yet they will continue to remain just out of reach for those women they cheat with, and continue to love and provide for frigid bitch wife.
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