Is Any Sex Better Than No Sex?

Hubby is out and about with friends tonight and I'm at home being Mom.  Well, I'm always Mom, but you know what I mean. I'm caring for the kittens.

He texted me a few minutes ago.

"I forgot to tell you, I took a pill. :-D"

Of course it's obvious what pill he was talking about because he never gets all smiley over his blood pressure pill or his vitamins.

His text was Hubby-speak for "Let's have sex tonight."

What happened to the days of cuddling and talking and sex arising as a spontaneous result of desire?  Most of the spontaneous thing left when kids came along. Now, it all comes down to a medical announcement.

Great. I guess the few hours of being with the kids between now and when he gets home is supposed to be the foreplay.

I hate to project negatively, but if tonight is anything like the last several times a pill was taken, it won't be anything to write home about.  Know what I mean?  It's not all his fault, either. It takes two for sex to be as boring and routine as ours. I've tried to initiate new things, but we always end up going back to the same old thing.  I could do a better job of faking excitement, I suppose, but that's very hard to do with a man who won't kiss you.

I've talked about, and many of you have experienced, the pain of rejection when you tell your spouse you'd like to have sex and he (or she) rebuffs your advances. It sucks. But trying to build up some excitement during the act and to have that ignored is a kind of rejection, too.  Who knew it would be possible to feel rejection during the act of sex? Well, it is.

In those situations, is that act of intercourse better than not having sex at all?  I don't think so. Not having sex with the person you love can be frustrating and upsetting, but having soulless, completely unpassionate sex can be worse because you go into it thinking you have a chance for some intimacy when in reality it's just something physical. Two animals copulating. Wow. Who wants that?  Many may choose to live with it, but who would want that kind of a sex life?

Not me.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I have experienced what real passion and intimacy are, so the comparison makes "pill nights" feel even more empty.

I'm sure I'll hear from people who have no spouse or partner telling me that I should be grateful.  I am grateful, very grateful, for my husband. I love him very much.  He means the world to me. He's the father of my children.  But I'm not going to pretend I'm grateful for spirit killing sex. No way. That's like saying that you're grateful for financial problems because at least it means you have something to lose.

Above all, I am frustrated. How can two people who love each other as much as we do, who have been committed to each other for so long, who have been through hell and back together, who can talk to each other about just about anything be so incapable of making an intimate and satisfying sexual connection? I don't get it.  There was a time when it was there.  That's why we continue to chase it and try, I think.

I've thought about talking with him about it .....again.....but how do you tell someone you love that you feel so distant from them during sex that it's painful? That you feel closer to them and more connected when they're sick and puking their guts out than you do during sex. That you feel closer to them just about anytime than you do during sex.  How do you do that?  And how do you change it?  We've tried the books and videos and all the professional advise over the years.  It helped a little.  The best post-children sex we ever had was the night he learned I had been cheating. That lasted for a few months.  He was making an effort to compete, I think, and if he would keep doing that our sex life would be good.  Not great, but good. But he fell back in the old routine and I let him....and here we are.

When the pill text came, I just looked at it for a moment and felt the flood of emotions wash through. Then I responded with a cute little texted kiss, exactly what was expected of me. I'll take a shower later on and pick up the bedroom, and pull out some lube and some toys (that won't be used). I'll go through the motions of getting ready.  When he comes home, I'll decide.  Do I try to spice things up with enthusiasm and sheer will and risk feeling that during-the-act-rejection? Or do I just go with the flow and see if something magically changes?

It's not that I don't like sex.  To the contrary, I love it! But sex without enthusiasm and passion is not what I want.  I can get that from someone from my AM phone list very quickly, without the emotional struggle of wishing it were better.

At this point in my life, I want more.

Sex for Kat and Hubby after the Big Confession

The Big Confession (or should I say, big confessions?) changed things in my marriage. For those of you who are new here, a couple of months ago my husband confessed that he had been unfaithful for the better part of the past 5 years, with multiple women.  About a month ago, I confessed my infidelities. Everything was out on the table and we had to decide where to go from there.

Would we stay together?  That was the easiest decision because we both are committed to each other and our marriage.

But what was next?  Would we recommit to fidelity? Would we agree to an open marriage? Would we start swinging? Would we ever be able to really trust each other again like we did before? What would happen to our sex life?

Specifically, my husband was worried that I would be bored by him since I had enjoyed so many alternatives. It wasn't an unreasonable concern. Neither of us knew if I could be satisfied by plain vanilla after sampling lots of other delectable flavors.

We decided to try a fresh start and focus on improving both our communication and sex life. We got into counseling (individual and couples counseling), and we agreed to tell each other the truth, meaning that if I had a roll in the hay with JJ, I would tell Hubby, and he would admit any slips he had.

We agreed to start acting like we did early in our marriage, whether or not we felt like it. What did that mean? It meant the TV would get turned off in the evening.  It meant we would go to bed as soon as the kids were asleep so we'd have time for each other. It meant we'd start dating again, at least one night a week. It meant we'd leave heartfelt love notes for each other in the car, on the bathroom mirror, etc. We brought our plan into the current century by adding loving and sexy email and texts to each other throughout the day. I started sexting him at embarrassing moments.

And it meant we'd plan on sex every night. The rule was/is that neither of us can cancel it during the day, but either of us can cancel when we are actually in bed; however, the one who cancels is obligated to help the other come if he/she wants. I have to tell you I have been surprised by how many times I thought I was too tired or not in the mood, but when we started enjoying each other and I started helping him get off, I started to get excited, too.

We also each decided to really give it an honest try.  For me, that meant I would get into it with all the enthusiasm I had with JJ or J or S or...... For him, that meant being willing to try some variety and focusing on my pleasure.

So, for the first two weeks, that's how it was - sex every night.  Sometimes more than once. And it was really great sex! My old dog hubby kept thinking that he couldn't do it again for the 4th (5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, etc...) night in a row, but he did, and quite nicely, I might add. ;-)

We included some play with sex toys, and experimented with different positions. We asked each other what we had liked about sex with our other lovers and we incorporated some of those things into our own lovemaking.

The next week, it slowed down a little.  We only had sex on five nights of the seven that week. There were two nights that we both agreed to take a break.  Frankly, I needed a break, things were starting to get a little sore "down there" from all the attention. What a wonderful problem to have, huh? It was during this week that we also started reading to each other in bed (sex books and books about reclaiming your marriage) and talking about what we read.

Over the last 7 days, we've had sex on six nights. On one of them, we had agreed not to, but I changed my mind just as we were about to fall asleep and that kept us up for a couple more hours.

As the sex got better, lots of other things started turning around, too.  We actually wanted to be around each other more. We started talking more.

It didn't solve all of our problems, though.  Hubby is still too clingy, afraid that I'm going to take off and find another man...and, ultimately, leave him.  He has a reason to be concerned.  I won't leave him., but I have not lost my desire for my honey...or J, or P. or B, or C.....or...... As you can see, PWK is still here and going strong.

A couple of nights ago, we discussed a new "problem" we have.  We need to adjust our "act like we were newly together" plan because the sex now is much better than it was when we were newly together.  Huh? How can that be? Sounds crazy, huh?  I always thought that people were supposed to be on track for divorce when affairs were discovered, but that's not what has happened for us. The man who seemed to have lost interest in me sexually is now pursuing me and is trying as hard as he can to keep me interested in him and not in other men.

Now, we're looking to the future and wondering where it goes from here. You never really know what's going to happen in life, do you?

I'd better get writing.  I have some hot sex posts to write.