10 Tips for the Post-Discovery Talk

It's difficult to even think about this, but what happens in the post-discovery talk can make the difference between your marriage surviving the affair or crashing and burning in an ugly divorce.

So, you've been caught. She wants to talk.  What now?

I've addressed most of my tips to men, but most also apply to women and I'll share some examples from a woman's perspective.

1. There are two sentences that have only one answer - NO. No matter who you are, whether you want to salvage your marriage or run away with your sweetie, it doesn't matter.  The answer is still NO. The first question is "Do you love her?"  To a woman, her husband having sex with someone is bad, but loving another woman is devastating. If you admit that you loved your lover and you manage to stay with your wife, it will haunt her forever.  For her, it will always live in the present tense. "He loves someone else." This will make it nearly impossible for her to move beyond it and it could come back to bite you at any time over the next 30 years. Any why would you want to hurt her anymore anyway?

When I got caught, Hubby asked me if I loved JJ, and I quickly said "No." The sarcastic bitch in me wanted to say something like, "Gee, I've been seeing him for two years and we've met for sex over 50 times.  Don't you think it might be more than a casual relationship?" Of course I didn't say that, thank goodness. I didn't want to hurt him and it was clear he was looking for ways to forgive me.  He wanted to hear that there was no love in the picture.  That's what you wife wants to hear, too.

The other question is, "Did you ever have sex with her in our bed?" I don't care if you screwed an entire sorority in the bed you share with your wife.  The answer must be "No." After I caught Hubby, I was ok with most of what I learned, but the fact that he brought several 20 year old bimbos into OUR bed made me crazy.  Our bed. The bed where we conceived our youngest son, where we talked and laughed and sometimes cried.  The bed where we had sex. Here we are a couple years after that post-discovery talk and the only thing that bothers me about his cheating was that he brought them home to our bed. It's pissing me off as I write about it now, so I'd better stop.

But first let me say that I had several opportunities to bring someone home, but I wouldn't do it. That's a line I couldn't cross. If you tell your wife that you had sex with your mistresses in your marriage bed, it will probably be a long, long time before you have any sex in that bed again.  Understand?

2. Answer the questions and only the questions. She's going to start asking you questions. Imagine that you are giving testimony in a legal deposition or lawsuit. Answer the questions briefly and directly without adding anything.  For example,  Hubby asked me where JJ and I "did it."  My answer - "Hotels."  Notice I didn't say, "Hotels around town and the next town over. Once we went to the Bay Area.  Remember that cute little place that you I went to for our getaway last Valentine's Day?  We went there, too." There's no way to win by giving too much information. If I had named specific places, he'd be reminded every time he drove by one of those places. Leave out the exotic or unusual places completely.  A brothel, a hot tub, a restaurant bathroom, his car, my car, late at night on County Road 97. It can only end badly for you if you go there.

3. Don't take your lover down with you. Your wife will probably want to know who it is, but what she doesn't know is that she'll probably be sorry that she knows if you tell her.  Give a first name only. Hubby asked me for JJ's full name, where he lived, where he worked, etc. I simply said, "No." I wasn't going to take JJ down with me. Period.  Why bring the storm down on his family, too?  And Hubby didn't really need to know.  He was operating on the assumption that the more he knew, the better he'd feel. The truth, though, is that nothing I said on that day would make him feel better.  Only time and love could do that. Oh yeah, and a lot of blow jobs.

The other reason not to take your lover down with you is that it can come back to bite you. Do you really want your spouse and your lover's spouse talking to each other?

4. If she'll let you touch her, do so. If she won't, don't push it, but if you can make a physical connection while you're talking it will help her to feel that you love her and care about her when her brain is sending her messages that you don't.

5. Be prepared for the toughest question - Why? The answer I gave to Hubby was simple, "Because I wanted to." It worked at first because he's used to very brief, simple and direct answers from me, but a few days later he asked again  and again and again. I didn't answer it until I was ready and had a reasonable answer that was somewhat honest but that wouldn't devastate him. I went with this: "We both know that the fire in our sex life fizzled several years ago and I was craving passion, variety, adventure." You know why that worked?  Because he could relate.  He craved passion, variety, and adventure, too.  Here's another tip.  Do not make it your spouse's fault. "Well, you never want sex." "You henpeck me all the time." "You won't try anything new with me in bed."  No, no, and no. Those things may be true, but you need to give her a little space before she can hear them.  Besides, you know it's not her fault.

6. Postpone the discussion if she's really angry or crying hysterically.  She may tell you she wants to talk about it, particularly if she's angry, but she won't really hear anything you say when she's in that state.  As for her being angry, if she's angry at the beginning, she'll be angrier as your talk continues, and that's dangerous.

7. Do not talk about it in front of the kids - ever. This may seem like a no brainer to you, but if it's the two of you at home with the kids you might be tempted to send them to the other room assuming they can't hear. They don't need to hear the details of your marital dysfunction. It will scare them. They won't understand what's going on.  They may assume you're getting divorced.  Don't say anything to the kids unless both you and your wife agree on a message.

But what if your spouse can't help him/herself and brings it up in front of the kids? Two or three days after our post-discovery talk (the one about me), we were driving through town and ended up stopped briefly in traffic in front of a hotel, a Comfort Inn, to be specific. Hubby turned his head toward our son in the back seat and said, "Look, Little TommyKat.  That's probably one of the hotels where your mommy plays with her friend." I cannot describe how angry I was at that moment. It just so happened that I had never used that hotel, but that was beside the point. He involved our son. Before I could say anything he gasped and said, "Oh my god, Kat, I'm so sorry.  I don't know why I said that." He went on to apologize profusely and promise me that he would never do it again and he never did. Why did he do it?  He was hurt and angry and it just came out at the wrong moment. A really wrong moment.  It was easy to clean it up with our son who didn't understand what he was talking about anyway. Maybe the point here is that your spouse is human, and feelings of anger and insecurity don't just disappear because you talked things over. It takes time.

8. If you want to stay married, say so directly. Your wife will automatically think, "He's cheating.  He wants to leave me." Look her in the eyes and tell her you love her and you want to stay together (assuming that is true). Do it several times during the conversation.  Once won't be enough.  She probably won't hear it.  Once she can hear it, she needs to internalize it, and that takes repetition.

Remember, there are at least two conversations going on at once - the one that the two of you are having and the one that's going on in her head. The one going on in her head is a whirling mass of fear, insecurity, confusion, and anger. You need to make sure that the most important things you have to say cut through her internal dialog. You do that through repetition, sincerity, and physical contact.

9. Don't leave your bed or your home. I guess this is a post talk tip. If you want to stay married, stay. If she asks you to sleep on the couch or in the guest room, refuse. Sleeping side by side after the discovery and the talk may seem difficult and uncomfortable, but guess what? It's going to be difficult and feel uncomfortable no matter where you sleep. If she leaves to sleep in the other room, fine.  That's her call, but you stay put because you can't hold her if you're in the other room.  Even touching toes in bed is progress because physical contact is bonding. Now what if you want to sleep in the guest room because it's really stressful with her and you need to sleep?  Don't do it.  That confirms what her head has already been telling her that you don't want her.

Just as you should stay in your bed, stay in your house. I know a guy whose wife asked him during the post-discovery talk to please stay somewhere else for a few days so she could calm down and process everything. Being a basically nice guy, he agreed.  That was 18 months ago.  He's living in a dingy rented room, paying the mortgage and all of her expenses while she enjoys having the whole house to herself. He even goes over to the house every weekend to do the yard work.  And he's still waiting for her to "process everything" and let him come home. Guess what?  That marriage is toast, but it might have been saved if he had just stayed home.

Generally speaking, for a couple to stay together, they need to be together.  Simple, no?  That doesn't mean that they shouldn't have time to themselves, but keep in mind that working out your problems is unlikely if you're staying at the Comfort Inn (alone, or not) while your wife listens to her girlfriends vilify you for days. I'm just sayin'....

10.  Beware the flurry of dangerous questions. I already warned you about the two questions that must be answered with a NO and the big WHY? question. But those aren't the only questions you'll be faced with. It will start with the post-discovery talk, but they will continue to appear for days after the talk, maybe even a few weeks. Some of them will make you cringe.

Is she prettier than me?  Is she better in bed than me?  Are her boobs bigger than mine? What sorts of things did you do in bed? How many times did you fuck her?  Did you give her any gifts?  Does she love you? Is she married? Were you thinking about her when you and I were doing it? Are you going to keep seeing her?  Do you want to?

If you're a woman, expect questions that come from the other side.  Did he buy you gifts?  Did he give you money? Do you think about him when we fuck?  Does he have a bigger dick?

Uuuuuuuugggghhhhhhh.

Here are some guidelines to help you.  If it's a comparison question, don't answer it because it's a lose-lose.  For example, if she asks if your lover is prettier than her and you say yes, she's hurt and her insecurities just heard you say that she's not pretty enough.  No, that's not what you said, but that's what she'll hear. If you say no, she'll want to know why you were with her if she wasn't as pretty.  Do you really want to get into a conversation about how sexually uninhibited your lover is and how much she makes you laugh and how you really "get" each other? I didn't think so. So, politely and lovingly disengage with comparison questions if you can.

Hubby and I have a deal that we won't ask any question that we don't want the answer to. I reminded him of that when he started the interrogation. Then I answered every question he asked.  Some of them came after a moment of silence and I could tell that he as weighing if he really wanted the answers.

On the other side, when I was interrogating him about his decade of floozies, I intentionally asked him a string of very personal questions because I knew they would make him very uncomfortable.  Someone asked me recently if I'm passive aggressive. Uh, yes, apparently so. I asked him questions like,"Is Suzi shaved? What did her pussy feel like?" "Tell me what you did with her in our bed. Did you change the sheets every time or did you make me sleep in the same sheets that were messed with her cum?" I was ruthless. It didn't take long for me to see that he'd been punished enough and I stopped.

I guess the point is (besides the fact that you don't want to piss me off - Haha!) that there's a lot of talking that you have to go through that really has nothing to do with repairing your marriage.  For some reason, though, getting through the dangerous questions phase is necessary for getting to an initial level of closure.

After all is said and done, though, you need to assess the situation yourself. Every woman is different and responds differently to difficult situations. The important thing is that you be prepared.  Think about how you might handle it in advance. You may think you'll never be caught, but no one does. You'll fare the best if you're prepared.

10 Tips for Being a Good Fuck Buddy

There are many different kinds of relationships and none of them are simple.

I've had lots of men tell me (and write to me) that they are looking for a fuck buddy with no strings attached (NSA). The first thing I think is that they are deluding themselves. Unless you are with a prostitute (and one might argue that the money is the string in that "relationship") there is no such thing as "no strings attached." When you are dealing with people, there are always strings. The only questions are: how strong is the string and how far does it reach?


What they are really saying is that they want things to be simple and they don't want a commitment. But the women they want to fuck all seem to want something different than that - something more.  And the women who are willing to agree to what they want are either not the women they want to fuck or change their mind after a few play sessions and then they want - something more.

Let me put this in other words that may be easier to understand. They want the phone, but not the two year contract. Unfortunately, they are having a hard time finding a cell provider that won't require a two year contract, and when they do, the phones that are available with no contract are not the phones they want. The cool smart phones they want all come with a higher level of service and a two year contract.

For gosh sake, they yell, I just wanna make a few friggin' calls without signing my life away!


I feel your pain, and like I said, there is no such thing as a simple relationship, not even a fuck buddy relationship. You have the best chance of success, though, if you follow a few simple guidelines.  Being a good fuck buddy increases the likelihood that your fuck buddy relationship will work.

1. Be completely upfront about what you want. This is probably the most important thing to remember.  Don't give the impression that you might consider more if you don't want more of an emotional relationship.  You may find this hard to do because you suspect that if you fudge just a little, it'll be easier to get into her pants.  That's true, but you'll be in for trouble later. Tell the truth. And then.....
2. Be nice about it......don't be a jerk. Let me illustrate. I met a man on Ashley Madison.  In our email correspondence, things looked good - very good.  We met for lunch.  It was nice, but he decided I wasn't his cup of tea. No problem. We decide, though, to continue the friendship because we actually liked each other and got along well. Then he couldn't help himself.  He had to say something about that we could have sex if I wanted but it would be only sex, nothing more. Huh? I said, "No, thanks" because we had already agreed on a friendship with no physical component. Did he need to say that? The first rejection was enough, thank you very much.  I really didn't need the offer of pity sex (as long as I understood that it would be only sex). Don't do that. Don't be a jerk. The interesting thing is that we became friends and our relationship became closer than it would have been if we had just opted for fuck buddy status.  Go figure.
3. Be specific. Saying that you only want sex and nothing more is just stupid because we all define things different.  Saying that you don't want a relationship isn't clear because if you are having any contact with someone more than once, it's a relationship. Do you want to see each other in-between play sessions? What are your and her expectations for communication in-between play sessions? How much advance notice will you give each other before a meeting? Where will you meet and who's responsible for any costs (hotel rooms, etc.)? Are you ok with her having multiple fuck buddies?  What does she expect in that regard? 
4. If the nature of the relationship changes, tell your partner immediately. If you're starting to feel more attached than you agreed you would be, speak up. Your buddy may be fine with that, but maybe not. If you start to feel jealous of her other playmates or her husband, that's a good sign tat you have moved beyond being a casual fuck buddy.
5. Take your partner at his word...sometimes.  This advice goes for everyone, but especially for women. If he says he doesn't want a love relationship, accept that or get out.  Please don't think that you can change him and convince him to love you because you're....special. The odds are very, very slim that he'll change, and you'll end up hurt. However, no matter what is said.....
6. Go with your gut. This goes for everyone, but especially for men. If your prospective fuck buddy is saying all of the right things, but it just doesn't feel right, walk away. Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, women often say one thing and mean another. Before I get hate mail from all the women out there, let me quickly add that men do it, too.  Women usually do it out of hope that deeper feelings will develop.  Men typically do it because they don't know what they're feeling.
7. Don't treat your partner like your on-call whore. I had a fuck buddy once who never communicated with me at all except when he wanted to fuck.  I'd get a text, "Hey, can you come over for an hour today?" If I said that I was busy, he'd be mad. He genuinely thought that our arrangement meant that I should drop everything and come to service him when he called. Needless to say, that was a very, very short "relationship."
8. Don't expect hearts and flowers and gifts. The fuck buddy relationship is the only male-female relationship that really is about one thing, and one thing only - mutual sexual gratification.  If the relationship grows and becomes a friendship, you're not true fuck buddies anymore, you're "friends with benefits." As mentioned above, you should be clear about this upfront.  If one of you thinks you're fuck buddies and one of your thinks you're friends or lovers. You could end up like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky (see below). You shouldn't expect birthday gifts and flowers from your fuck buddy, although I once asked for a new vibrator as a birthday gift from one of mine. He was only too happy to oblige. ;-)
9. Don't share all your private information with a fuck buddy. If it really is a fuck buddy relationship, all the other person needs is enough information about you to feel safe. If you share too much, you could be giving an angry ex-fuck buddy ammunition to hurt you later when her feelings deepen and yours don't. If it's truly just about sex, she won't mind that she doesn't know where your parents live, your best friend's phone number, and where your wife works. Heck, trust me, if it's truly about sex, she won't want to know those things.
10. Don't be selfish in bed. Just because you don't have to buy her dinner doesn't mean you don't have to make her come. As much as you want to believe it's all about your gratification, it's about her's, too.  In fact, the best way to keep things going is to make sure she's satisfied and wants to come back for more. Let's be honest. There are a lot more prospective male fuck buddies out there than there are prospective female fuck buddies. If you don't take the time to satisfy her, she'll find someone else. Why not?  She has no emotional attachment to you. When a woman loves you, you can be a selfish jerk in bed and she'll stay (for awhile, at least).  In a true fuck buddy relationship, you have to put out to keep her.

I love this clip from Vanilla Sky with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. It's a classic example of what can go wrong when one person thinks it's a fuck buddy relationship and the other thinks it's love. Some thoughts to ponder:

In this clip, Cameron Diaz says, "I swallowed your cum!  That means something!" She goes on to say that your body makes commitments that you don't have to speak out loud. Poor Tom.  No wonder he's confused. He thinks she's crazy, which is true, but not in the way he thinks. It's not uncommon for some women to believe that great sex means there is something of an emotional connection, even when there isn't. Why? Because we want that connection whether we want to want it or not.  That's how we're wired.

But let me be clear just in case you were wondering - swallowing cum is not a commitment.  Coming four times is not love.