10 Tips for Being a Good Fuck Buddy

There are many different kinds of relationships and none of them are simple.

I've had lots of men tell me (and write to me) that they are looking for a fuck buddy with no strings attached (NSA). The first thing I think is that they are deluding themselves. Unless you are with a prostitute (and one might argue that the money is the string in that "relationship") there is no such thing as "no strings attached." When you are dealing with people, there are always strings. The only questions are: how strong is the string and how far does it reach?


What they are really saying is that they want things to be simple and they don't want a commitment. But the women they want to fuck all seem to want something different than that - something more.  And the women who are willing to agree to what they want are either not the women they want to fuck or change their mind after a few play sessions and then they want - something more.

Let me put this in other words that may be easier to understand. They want the phone, but not the two year contract. Unfortunately, they are having a hard time finding a cell provider that won't require a two year contract, and when they do, the phones that are available with no contract are not the phones they want. The cool smart phones they want all come with a higher level of service and a two year contract.

For gosh sake, they yell, I just wanna make a few friggin' calls without signing my life away!


I feel your pain, and like I said, there is no such thing as a simple relationship, not even a fuck buddy relationship. You have the best chance of success, though, if you follow a few simple guidelines.  Being a good fuck buddy increases the likelihood that your fuck buddy relationship will work.

1. Be completely upfront about what you want. This is probably the most important thing to remember.  Don't give the impression that you might consider more if you don't want more of an emotional relationship.  You may find this hard to do because you suspect that if you fudge just a little, it'll be easier to get into her pants.  That's true, but you'll be in for trouble later. Tell the truth. And then.....
2. Be nice about it......don't be a jerk. Let me illustrate. I met a man on Ashley Madison.  In our email correspondence, things looked good - very good.  We met for lunch.  It was nice, but he decided I wasn't his cup of tea. No problem. We decide, though, to continue the friendship because we actually liked each other and got along well. Then he couldn't help himself.  He had to say something about that we could have sex if I wanted but it would be only sex, nothing more. Huh? I said, "No, thanks" because we had already agreed on a friendship with no physical component. Did he need to say that? The first rejection was enough, thank you very much.  I really didn't need the offer of pity sex (as long as I understood that it would be only sex). Don't do that. Don't be a jerk. The interesting thing is that we became friends and our relationship became closer than it would have been if we had just opted for fuck buddy status.  Go figure.
3. Be specific. Saying that you only want sex and nothing more is just stupid because we all define things different.  Saying that you don't want a relationship isn't clear because if you are having any contact with someone more than once, it's a relationship. Do you want to see each other in-between play sessions? What are your and her expectations for communication in-between play sessions? How much advance notice will you give each other before a meeting? Where will you meet and who's responsible for any costs (hotel rooms, etc.)? Are you ok with her having multiple fuck buddies?  What does she expect in that regard? 
4. If the nature of the relationship changes, tell your partner immediately. If you're starting to feel more attached than you agreed you would be, speak up. Your buddy may be fine with that, but maybe not. If you start to feel jealous of her other playmates or her husband, that's a good sign tat you have moved beyond being a casual fuck buddy.
5. Take your partner at his word...sometimes.  This advice goes for everyone, but especially for women. If he says he doesn't want a love relationship, accept that or get out.  Please don't think that you can change him and convince him to love you because you're....special. The odds are very, very slim that he'll change, and you'll end up hurt. However, no matter what is said.....
6. Go with your gut. This goes for everyone, but especially for men. If your prospective fuck buddy is saying all of the right things, but it just doesn't feel right, walk away. Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, women often say one thing and mean another. Before I get hate mail from all the women out there, let me quickly add that men do it, too.  Women usually do it out of hope that deeper feelings will develop.  Men typically do it because they don't know what they're feeling.
7. Don't treat your partner like your on-call whore. I had a fuck buddy once who never communicated with me at all except when he wanted to fuck.  I'd get a text, "Hey, can you come over for an hour today?" If I said that I was busy, he'd be mad. He genuinely thought that our arrangement meant that I should drop everything and come to service him when he called. Needless to say, that was a very, very short "relationship."
8. Don't expect hearts and flowers and gifts. The fuck buddy relationship is the only male-female relationship that really is about one thing, and one thing only - mutual sexual gratification.  If the relationship grows and becomes a friendship, you're not true fuck buddies anymore, you're "friends with benefits." As mentioned above, you should be clear about this upfront.  If one of you thinks you're fuck buddies and one of your thinks you're friends or lovers. You could end up like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky (see below). You shouldn't expect birthday gifts and flowers from your fuck buddy, although I once asked for a new vibrator as a birthday gift from one of mine. He was only too happy to oblige. ;-)
9. Don't share all your private information with a fuck buddy. If it really is a fuck buddy relationship, all the other person needs is enough information about you to feel safe. If you share too much, you could be giving an angry ex-fuck buddy ammunition to hurt you later when her feelings deepen and yours don't. If it's truly just about sex, she won't mind that she doesn't know where your parents live, your best friend's phone number, and where your wife works. Heck, trust me, if it's truly about sex, she won't want to know those things.
10. Don't be selfish in bed. Just because you don't have to buy her dinner doesn't mean you don't have to make her come. As much as you want to believe it's all about your gratification, it's about her's, too.  In fact, the best way to keep things going is to make sure she's satisfied and wants to come back for more. Let's be honest. There are a lot more prospective male fuck buddies out there than there are prospective female fuck buddies. If you don't take the time to satisfy her, she'll find someone else. Why not?  She has no emotional attachment to you. When a woman loves you, you can be a selfish jerk in bed and she'll stay (for awhile, at least).  In a true fuck buddy relationship, you have to put out to keep her.

I love this clip from Vanilla Sky with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. It's a classic example of what can go wrong when one person thinks it's a fuck buddy relationship and the other thinks it's love. Some thoughts to ponder:

In this clip, Cameron Diaz says, "I swallowed your cum!  That means something!" She goes on to say that your body makes commitments that you don't have to speak out loud. Poor Tom.  No wonder he's confused. He thinks she's crazy, which is true, but not in the way he thinks. It's not uncommon for some women to believe that great sex means there is something of an emotional connection, even when there isn't. Why? Because we want that connection whether we want to want it or not.  That's how we're wired.

But let me be clear just in case you were wondering - swallowing cum is not a commitment.  Coming four times is not love.

Random Kat Thoughts on a Sunday Afternoon

It's a lazy Sunday afternoon and I'm lounging on the couch watching Vanilla Sky with my oldest son and pondering many things, some of which can be shared with polite company and most of which cannot. Since I can't share most of these things with anyone at home, you're the lucky ones!

First, I did it.  No, not what you think, although I did do that recently, too, as you know. I'm referring to Google +.  I got an invite and I joined. I haven't figured it out yet, of course, but I've started. I did figure out how to keep my circles from being visible from my profile, which is handy because most of my "friends" don't want to be publicly known. If your want an invite or you want to join one of my circles of buddies, just send me an email and ask.

If you read the post Alone that I wrote in the middle of the night last night, you know that I was thinking of JJ....again.  It's a common thing for me these days. I was thinking of him again this morning, and in between naughty thoughts, it occurred to me that it can't be easy to be a sex blogger's lover. Imagine the pressure. Some of that came though in Raunchy Hotel Sex. The only way to take that pressure away is to either forget about the blogging completely (which is not as easy as you may think) or for the relationship to become about more than sex. Then it's about expressing emotion and sharing ourselves with each other, and the sex is only part of the whole picture.

Interesting how in "normal" relationships, the getting to know each other and developing feelings for each other comes first and the sex follows. When it goes the other way around, things don't go well.

The Cameron Diaz character in Vanilla Sky is speeding through the streets with Tom Cruise in the car, shouting, "You fucked me four times the other day! I swallowed your cum!  That means something!"  Oh, really? See? The sex came first and she thought that it meant something that it didn't. 

But Prowlers often have the sex first (with the exception of the long distance online affairs) and know that it doesn't mean what Cameron Diaz thought it meant.  Once in a while, though, we start to get to know each other and something bigger, more meaningful develops. Sometimes it's a friendship that makes a real difference in our lives.  Sometimes it's something even more. 

The Penelope Cruz character just said to Tom Cruise, "Do you love me?  Because if you don't, I'll have to kill you." What's with all the crazy women in this movie? 

Ok, just so you don't think I'm ignoring you, I will be posting about that conversation with my husband as I promised.  It will be soon now. 

Back to Vanilla Sky.......