Actually, I find that more than frustrating. I find it insulting and very unloving. If your husband approaches you and says he loves and wants to discuss some issues about your marriage, how should you respond? I can think of many appropriate ways, but the two most inappropriate are to say "No" directly or to just ignore his request over and over until he quits asking.
Anyway, let me say that I know there are always two sides to an marital issue. I have only heard one side, but I'm going to go with it and assume it's 100% because it's not an uncommon situation.
Here's the story:
Wife doesn't like to be touched and she doesn't like to touch her husband. She doesn't like physical affection at all. She resists it and pulls away if he touches her. As you might imagine, she's not a big fan of sex either. I'm sure she enjoys it when it's happening, but it's infrequent and pretty much rationed by her. To get sex, her husband has to ask in advance when he thinks she's not too busy, too stressed, too tired or too anything that might make her inclined to say no. Asking in advance doesn't mean as they are getting ready for bed. Oh, no. It means earlier in the day when he would like sex that evening, sometimes a day or two ahead of time. Why? Because she, who doesn't want to be touched, is the gatekeeper for all intimacy and sex. And for the most part, she keeps the gate shut and locked. If she says no the conversation is over. Period. There is no wooing or playful flirting to convince her because that might give him the impression that she's open to it, which she isn't, of course.
Now, the wife caught her husband sharing some naughty photos with another woman. No sex. No affair. But sharing naked pictures isn't a good thing for a marriage, right? Of course she's upset; she has a right to be to some extent, but now that becomes her excuse not to have sex, even though it's obvious she doesn't want it anyway. The wife tells her husband that there's something wrong with him for sharing naughty pictures.
Over time, the husband feels like he's being taken for granted. He's hurt that his wife won't let him be openly affectionate, even when they are home....especially when they are at home. As for the sex, he's just about accepted that there's nothing he can ever do about that and he'll be begging her for it for the rest of his life. He feels guilty for sending those photos and very sad for hurting his wife because he loves her. As for there being something wrong with him, he starts to question himself. Is there something wrong with me?
I'll bet some of you can see your marriage somewhere in that story, huh? It kind of stings, doesn't it? What is immediately obvious to me at first is that that is not a wife; that's a roommate. If you take all affection and sex out of a marriage, you have a couple of roommates living together. They may be best friends, but they are still just roommates. In this case, I don't consider the wife and husband to be best friends because no friend would try to make their friend think there was something wrong with them for following a natural inclination. I can understand hurt and several other reactions, but the shaming is a sign of non-loving relationship.
Why am I sharing this? It makes me angry. This is a woman who is trying just about as hard as she can to push her husband away, but she doesn't know it. This is a woman who will be surprised and shattered when she learns of an affair or when the marriage ends even though her behavior played a large role in the situation. This is a woman who expects the advantages and benefits of a wife when she is only willing to behave as a roommate.
And she doesn't even know how hurtful and demeaning her behavior is. She has no idea how much she hurts her husband when she won't let him touch her, or kiss her hello when he gets home from work, or when she denies his request for sex - again - with a flippant yet shaming tone that indicates what has been said before - that all he wants is sex. How long can you take a man's dignity before he quits trying?
Here's what really frosts me - There are millions of women who would love to be treated the way this husband wants to treat his wife, yet the one who is married to him just pushes it away. It's a damn shame.
If you're a wife and you're reading this, ask yourself if you are a real wife or just a roommate. If changes need to be made, make them. Remember that he's the father of your children and if he's home with you and he wants YOU, be grateful!
Ok, ok. You men are not perfect, but I'll address your side of this another day.