Heartache and Renewal

Daunt here.  I know it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me, so I thought I’d catch you up on me and Madison.

Not long ago Madison and I went on a lovely trip to Paso Robles wine country.  We spent five nights together -- this is no small thing considering that she is married.  Prior to the trip she was feeling pretty confident in the direction her life was going; she had decided to make plans to leave her husband. No, not for me, I wouldn’t accept that.  Madison has become frustrated with me on many occasions when I have come to her husband’s defense; strange, right? However by the end of the trip Madison had become very pensive and I’m feeling like something has gone awry.

The ride back to Sacramento was quiet. Although we had made love that morning, and both enjoyed it, Madison wasn’t with me so to speak.  Her body was there, but her much of her mind was elsewhere.  Something palpable had manifested between us, but neither one of us were acknowledging its presence. As she got in her car to go home she kissed me and smiled, but her eyes betray deep concern.

I watch her car drive away and I begin to ponder our time together.  We had had a fantastic time.  We both thoroughly enjoyed our outings wine tasting, our meals at various restaurants were wonderful and rich with fun, sometimes deep, conversation; and our lovemaking was hot and fulfilling.  We found ourselves reaching a surprising level of comfort with one another.  Then my thoughts are interrupted by a phone call.  It’s Madison.

She starts off by saying, “I’m having all these strange feelings, I don’t know what’s going on.  Maybe I’m feeling guilty.”  We chat a while and come to the uneasy conclusion that maybe it was simply the amount of time spent together and the level of comfort we feel with one another, but the conversation ends feeling unsettled.

At roughly 4PM, while she is on her lunch break from work, we chat again on the phone.  Madison’s guilt and conflicted feelings persist, if anything they’ve become worse.  I listen, try and help her sort her feelings, but at the same time I am careful to avoid influencing her.  She’s sounding like she wants to reconcile with her husband, but at the same time wants me in her life. As the conversation goes on I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  The level of duress Madison is feeling is worrisome.

After our afternoon phone conversation I find myself wrestling with what I want and what I feel Madison needs.  I am concerned. I fear I am clouding her ability to figure out what she needs for herself.  In the end I reach a decision.  I have to stop seeing her.  If she truly wants to work things out with her husband she needs to be released to do so, and if that’s not the case she needs the space to get her head clear.

Sometime after 8PM I tell Madison the decision I had come to. The tears begin to flow.  As I try to explain a war takes place within me; part of me is wanting to take it all back.  She says she understands, but it’s clear she is hurting.  Madison had told me that she would be attending an event with her husband and his family over the weekend.  I suggest that she really try over the weekend to open her heart to her husband, to really try and decide if he can fulfill what she is lacking in her life.  I tell her that we shouldn’t communicate until Monday so she can have the space to do this.  She agrees and we say our goodbyes.

Something that I think is often overlooked in regard to affairs, is that they are almost never a person's first choice.  The majority of people that enter into an affair do so because something in their marriage relationship is already very broken.  Often, as was the case was with my marriage, one party in the marriage will believe that everything is fine.  And frequently the party that feels the marriage is okay will dissuade the other from seeking help like counseling.

Listen up folks.  If your spouse is asking for counseling, there is a problem.  If this problem could have been handled without outside help, it would have been.  Just go.  I also suggest seeing an individual counselor.  An objective party trained to listen and help you organize your thoughts can be an enormous help.

Madison and I couldn’t even make it through a weekend without a couple of text messages, but we were mostly good.  Come Monday we talk on the phone.  She said she really made an effort to open herself to her husband and that the weekend mostly went well.  They had gotten into a couple of deep discussions that caused her to feel disheartened, but they were going to another couples counseling session that evening.

Tuesday I touch base with Madison again.  I learn the couples counseling didn’t go so well.  She’s seeing more clearly the issues she has come to believe can never be overcome.

Friday rolls around.  Madison sees her individual counselor.  Much of what she is feeling is validated and for the first time she shares with her counselor about her friendship and time spent with me.  Shockingly, in light of what was shared with the counselor, the counselor doesn’t see me as a negative force in Madison’s life.

In the end my decision to stop seeing Madison lasted less than a week.

Make up sex... don’t you love it?

During the following week Madison and I set a time in the evening to see each other.  Next to the bed I kiss her deeply then light a candle.  Slowly we undress one another.  I sit her on the edge of the bed then with a lingering kiss lay her back. No toys, no tethered cuffs, in my heart I wanted our time to be about re-connecting and so did she.

I stand back up next to the bed and gaze down at Madison. Her legs dangle off the edge of the bed at the knee and my hands are resting on her thighs.  She raises herself up on her elbows and looks at my face, from her expression I can tell she’s wondering what I’m thinking.  I smile and say, “Madison, tonight I’m going to treat you.  Roll over onto your stomach.”  A questioning look flutters across her face, but then she does as was bid. She rolls over and stretches out. For a moment I allow myself the simple pleasure of looking at her, the profile of her face, eyes closed; the smooth slope of her back narrowing to her waist, the bell flare to her hips and bottom.

Taking her right foot in my hands I begin massaging and kneading it. Madison’s lips part then shortly after I hear a quiet contented moan.  I continue for some time watching the flickering shadows of candlelight on her skin.  Then I switch to the left foot.

I’m going to share something I’ve truly come to adore about Madison, her skin -- and I don’t mean a particular patch of skin, I mean all of it.  The more aroused Madison becomes, the more sensitive her skin becomes.  I love this.  Her whole body becomes an adventure in discovery.

As her arousal builds I’ll start lightly tracing my fingertips over her.  She will shudder and writhe, sometimes suddenly her hand will dart out and snatch mine because the sensation is simply too much.  Then I’ll find a spot and gently continue swirling my fingertips over it.  The game is on... I get to find out if I can get her to orgasm.  If I win my reward is her sheepish embarrassed laugh.  So far I’ve won our little game with her ear and neck, but those aren’t too uncommon. A more fun one was near one of the dimples at the small of her back.

So after finishing the foot massage I begin running my hands lightly over Madison’s back searching, giving her time to enjoy and take in the sensation.  As I begin to identify a few hot spots I get an idea.  I lean down and kiss her back.

“Let’s have you roll back over”, she can hear the mischievous tone in my voice.  Her eyes open and she smiles rolling to her back.  Still standing next to the bed I grab her thighs and pull her toward me so I’m between her knees, her hips right at the edge of the mattress.  I give her a deep kiss, then kiss and lick her neck.  Then I begin tracing my fingers over her skin again, between her breasts, down her sides, over her thighs, slow circles teasing their way toward her nipples.  I grin as she shudders  and her breathing deepens.

I reach down and slowly ease myself inside her.  She gasps and tilts her hips to take me deeper.  Then I give her a sly half smile and grab her right foot.  Madison watches as I bring her foot to my mouth and touch my tongue to her second largest toe.  She grins back with a look indicating that she thinks I’m just teasing, then she looks a little startled as I take her toe into my mouth.  She gently tries to pull her foot back.  I run my tongue under the back side of her toes, her eyes widen briefly then become half-lidded.  I hear her quiet moan as I take her toe back in my mouth caressing it with my tongue.  She shudders and by being inside her I can feel her climax.  Her eyes pop open and she giggles.

Yes, I won our little game again.

Kat's Counseling Update: Session #2 (Serious Stuff)

If any of your were wondering if I went back after my first counseling session, wonder no more.  I did. I was more comfortable than I was the first time, now that she knows the secret about my double life. I decided that I wouldn't bring up the blog or AM again unless she asked, and she didn't ask this session. She had more questions about DauntlessD and JJ and "others," but nothing I couldn't easily handle and nothing too probing.

That session, though, was all about my childhood and growing up years - Not my choice, I can assure you that.

I considered skipping this update because I'm really not interested in sharing my life details with the world, and there are many things about my younger years that would make me immediately identifiable to anyone who knows me in the real world, but a promise is a promise.

First, let me say that I cringe at the phrase "younger years." It implies that I'm now in my "older years," and while the same can be said for anyone living, I suppose, I resent the implication. These are great years!  In spite of the issues I have at home, they sure do beat my "younger years."

Anyway, back to the session......

I went back though my childhood and young adult years answering her questions as best I could. Parents?  Deceased. Was I close to my parents?  To my mother, yes.  To my father, no. Siblings?  Alive and distant. Children?  All but one still living (and, no, I won't talk about it). Abuse as a child?  Yes.  Sexual abuse?  Yes.

Let's stop here for a minute. The number of women I know who were sexually abused as girls or teens is very high. It's much more common, I believe, than most people want to admit.  So, if you are one of those out there who is still holding on to that secret, do yourself a favor and let it go.  Find a counselor and talk about it and let that burden lift a bit, ok? By the way, the same goes for men who were sexually abused.  The stigma of talking about it feels much worse for you guys, which makes it even more important that you say something to someone. You are not alone.  You really aren't.

I was hoping that maybe she would be ok with not knowing the details, but I knew that was unreasonable.  I was prepared when I walked in that day to have to re-live a bit of the non-fun stuff from my younger years, but that didn't make it much better.

(For those of you hoping that this would be an amusing post, I apologize.  As much as I thought about it and tried, I simply couldn't find a way to make child molestation funny. It's just not.)

The counselor made an interesting segue from keeping secrets in childhood to keeping secrets now. Ah, now that would have been an interesting revelation if I weren't already aware of the connection.

She wanted to know what secrets I keep from hubby. "Let's make a list," she said. It didn't look like she had enough paper, but I was willing to go with it. I started with the obvious - JJ, "others," the blog, lots of details around my prowling. The list continued until I finally thought we had exhausted all the secrets.

Then she dropped the bomb. "You know, Kat, when you start couples therapy in a few weeks, you're going to have to give up your secrets.  We have a 'no secrets' policy here for couples therapy.  It will be completely ineffective unless you both are willing to give up your secrets to each other."

Seriously?

Here's the issue I have with her 'no secrets' policy - Who says that having absolutely *no* secrets from your spouse is the recipe for a happy marriage? Ok, I'll concede that the infidelity thing may not fit into this category and I'll also concede that I ahve more secrets from him than I should, but I am pretty certain that all couples in long term marriages have some secrets from each other.  They may be small things (how much she really spent on that sofa, how many times last week he stopped for a beer with the guys after work, and the fact that one of the "guys" was really that secretary from accounting), but full disclosure of every single detail was not in the vows.

Ladies, how many of your husbands know your exact weight? Some will, some won't.  Does that mean that those who do not disclose that are "secret keepers?"  Oh please.

And guys, does your wife know you're reading this blog right now?  Does she know how much you enjoy Cara's photos?  Right.  I didn't think so.

I don't believe that we give up all rights to own lives and our own private thoughts when we marry. And having our own lives and private thoughts doesn't mean the marriage is in trouble. In fact, one of the secrets to a successful long term marriage is giving your partner a little bit of space to be him/herself.

Okay, that's enough of the heavy stuff for now. So, what are your thoughts on secret keeping within a marriage?