An Afternoon Escape with T (Part 2 of 2)

This is Part 2.  If you'd like to read Part 1 of An Afternoon Escape with T, click here.

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Looking at T's face is one of my favorite things to do.  I've already told you that he's ruggedly handsome, and that's true.

Forget about the shirtless Abercrombie & Fitch models who have never seen a day of hard work in their lives. They have those little ripply muscles that were made in a gym, not the real world, and those will go away when they are older, their modeling days are over and they are not paid to hang out in a gym for 4 hours a day. Their eyes are blue, but they look hollow, and you wonder if the blue is real or from colored contacts. They are a type of handsome, sure, but it's a faux-handsome.  Its more like "pretty."

Now picture another guy.  Let's say you meet while camping by the river. Dark hair, dark eyes. You watch him move firewood and set up camp. He takes off his shirt and he has a real man's body - strong, a little hairy (but not too much), proportioned. His skin is glistening with perspiration and he rubs a towel over his hair and face. He turns to look at you and you lose your breath for a second when he smiles. He's not a model, but a regular guy, and that makes him hotter, much more appealing to you. He reaches for a beer and you notice the muscles in his chest and arms again. They are flexing in a natural way, moving as he moves, not just sticking out like permanent artificial attachments or growths. He sits down in a camp chair to relax and stretches his legs out.  You notice a few scars here and there on his tan skin as you try not to fixate on his sexy mouth, the late-afternoon stubble on his chin and cheek, or the faraway look in his eyes when he thinks you're not looking anymore. The closer and longer you look, the more you think Wow.  This guy is really good looking, but it's the kind of attractiveness that you don't notice until you really stop and look. You look around at the other men nearby to check your theory and you realize you're right. This one is different. He's the kind of handsome that comes from living and working and sacrificing and taking care of other people. Nothing about that is fake.  The Abercrombie boys are nothing next to this guy, even though he could easily blend in with a crowd without turning every woman's head as they pass by. Those who take a good look, though, will turn and watch him, and they'll notice all the pieces come together until a minute later they realize that they are staring at a very attractive, real man.

That's T.

I was having that realization again - that he's so attractive  - when he entered me deeply and pulled all of my attention to that one and only thought. I gasped and my mouth dropped open. Not only did it feel marvelous, but it was the first time.  Yes, the first time his cock had been inside me.  We had thoroughly enjoyed our oral and manual fun for a long time, but this.....

I pulled my knees up toward my chest and tried to keep my eyes on his while he fucked me, but every now and then I had to close my eyes to focus on the perfect sensation of his cock inside me. He continued for quite a while, which was awesome, but then we stopped for a moment and I suggested we try it from behind.

"Can you do that?" he asked, referring to the same issue he mentioned earlier when I was kneeling on the floor.  My answer was simple. "Yes."  Not only did I know I could, but I knew it wouldn't hurt and I knew I was going to be feeling so good when I came from doing it that way that I wanted to hurry.

We got in position and I felt him behind me. I spread my knees a little wider to adjust my height and he slid inside me easily, deeper this time, and I leaned back against him. What followed wasn't gently and sweet. It was fast, hard fucking. It took me no time at all to come again, and I screamed, pushing back against him, trying to hold onto the pleasure that was reverberating through me while he was pounding me HARD from behind. He came soon after that, and then he collapsed next to me, covered with sweat and breathing hard.

We just lay there quietly for a bit, holding hands, catching our breath. Then we started talking about this and that.  I rolled onto my side and leaned over to kiss him. This may sound silly but I never get tired of kissing that man. I could kiss him for hours.  Ok, that's probably not a great idea, but I could.

I'm not sure how much time had passed while we were kissing and talking, talking and kissing, but after one of our prolonged kissing bouts he said, "I want you taste us."  I knew exactly what he meant. I scooched down toward the foot of his bed and licked his cock. One little lick.  Then another.  Another. Then I moaned and took the whole thing in my mouth.  Yes, I could taste both of us. I licked and suckled and swallowed until I felt his cock go from firm to immalleable and unyeilding. Even though he had just come 20 minutes before, I felt his hands on the back of my head, his fingers tightening around my hair, and his hips thrusting upward. I matched him, stroke for stroke, until he exploded into my mouth.

I love the groan a man makes when he comes. I really do. When I hear it, I feel victorious, like there was just a little bit of a power swap and I won. He may have thought he was in control, but that guttural groan means he wasn't in control for that moment. In that moment, he was mine. All mine.

I lingered a bit, keeping his cock in my mouth until I was certain he was finished.  Then I swallowed one last time and gently licked his cock and balls until they were all cleaned up.

I scooched back up and into his arms.  The rest of our time together was spent kissing and talking, and talking and kissing some more, until it was time to go.

We got cleaned up and dressed, and I would be the first to go.  He was going to hang out there for a while. I picked up my purse and keys and I turned toward the door. That's when I saw my cane hanging from the chair where I had left it when I came in. I grabbed it and whispered under my breath, "Fucking stairs."  T was right there next to me, and he slid his arms around me again and kissed me just like he did when I walked in the door a few hours before. We said our goodbyes and I heard the door close behind me as I walked down the hall.

With every step, I could feel the peace of our afternoon escape slipping away. By the time I was at my car, my mental To Do list had forced itself to the front and center of my mind and I knew that by the time I walked through my front door at home, the last remnants of the escape would be completely gone and I'd be inundated again with chores and demands. The family would want dinner.  I'd have clients that would want their phone calls returned. The list would just keep going from there and my life wouldn't be my own again.

Then I shifted in my seat a little and remembered. T's gorgeous cock had been inside me and it was unbelievably wonderful. Then I saw his face in my mind and remembered our kisses, and it occurred to me that all of that was mine. The rest of my life couldn't take away my time with him or the way he made me feel. It was all mine.

The Art of the Alibi

The main reason that prowlers get caught is because they get sloppy with their alibis. We tend to be very careful in the beginning and then, if we have succeeded at not being caught, we get cocky and start to cut corners and that's when the disasters happen.

A good alibi needs to be simple, believable, and verifiable.

It should be simple because the likelihood of being caught goes up exponentially with each degree of complexity. Simple means that it doesn't involve more than one other person ("Oh, I was at Dave's house with all the guys from the bowling team."  "Really? I talked with Marcia tonight and Steve and Joe were at her house." Oops.), it's easy to remember ("What was the name of that new restaurant you said you went to with Joe the other night? What do you mean you don't remember?  Do you still have the receipt?"), and it doesn't involve multiple steps ("I was at the book store, then I went to the gun store, then took the car for an oil change, and...and...and....").  The more complicated it gets, the more chances you have to screw it up.

Of course, everyone knows it needs to be believable.  In fact, that's what we spend most of our time on. It needs to be something that you either normally do already or that your spouse would think is reasonable for you. If you never go anywhere, it's time for you to get a life.  Not only will this help you become a much more interesting person, but it will help establish an alibi should you need one in the future. If you regularly volunteer at your local homeless shelter (or animal shelter or whatever), it will be pretty easy to peel away a few hours from that activity to use for some playtime. For godsake, don't use going to the library as an alibi if you don't have a library card, and if you hate museums, don't use going to an art museum as an alibi.  Use some common sense, will ya?

It also needs to be verifiable. This is the one that catches many of us and, yes, this is the one that caught me. I had planned for my time one day a couple of years ago so I could spend a nice 6-8 hours with JJ. I picked a business trip as an alibi, a client that I had been seeing fairly regularly recently and that was located 3 hours away.  The round trip would be 6 hours of driving, plus two hours of meeting time while I was there.  There it is.  8 hours. What I didn't plan on was that Hubby would be tracking my mileage.  If I had actually gone where I said I was going, I would have logged about 350-380 miles on the car. Instead, I logged 60 miles. I had some 'splainin' to do.

You should have seen his face.  He had that, "Gotcha!" look and he was acting victorious until he realized what every newly awakened cuckolded spouse eventually asks.  What now? Yeah, he caught me, but what was he going to do then? Anyway, that's another story. (For those who don't know, I didn't try to wiggle out of it.  I fessed up.)

The point of this part of the story is that I truly came to appreciate how important it is that an alibi be verifiable. Now when I establish an alibi, I know how many miles I'd log round trip if I actually went there and I make sure that my rendezvous location will be within a few miles of that distance.

If you suspect that your spouse may be tracking your whereabouts via GPS (or if you just want to be extra careful), pick a meeting location that is near your alibi spot, and park at the alibi spot. If you're being tracked through your phone, consider leaving your phone in the car, where you're supposed to be, if you can. If you can't, get a room that is closest to your alibi location.

Also, for an alibi to be truly verifiable, if you say you're going to be with a friend, that friend should know that he/she is an alibi and should be willing to vouch for you. That doesn't necessarily mean that the friend has to know your prowling.  For example, I have a good friend who knows I spend most of my time locked in the tower (my home), under Hubby's careful watch. She knows I rarely get out these days and that makes me crazy.  So, from time to time, I can call her and say, "Hi Suzy.  I've got cabin fever and I'm dying to do some shopping.  Can I tell Hubby I'm having lunch with you?"  She says yes, happy to be helping a friend, and we agree on where we went shopping and that we didn't buy anything.  You may ask why I just didn't ask Hubby if I could go shopping (or tell him I was going shopping, depending on how liberated you are), but that won't work for me because Hubby needs to be able to verify my story, which he can do if I'm with a friend. If I'm going out alone, Hubby hears that as "fucking around" and more deadbolts are added to the tower doors.

There were a couple of times a while back when I said I was going to Cara's house for lunch or a BBQ. To help verify that, Cara texted me a few photos of the BBQ, herself, the food, and I saved them to my phone and texted them to Hubby. Then Cara texted him a picture of herself at the BBQ with a little message, "Wish you could have joined us!" Hubby was happy.  Heck, what man wouldn't be happy to get a text and a photo from Cara? :-)

If you use a friend as an alibi, and that friend doesn't know it, you're rolling the dice.  What if your spouse runs into him/her at the gym or the grocery store or the park or wherever when he/she is supposed to be with you?  What if your spouse asks him/her about your outing a week or two from now and that person just looks back at him confused?

Finally, don't sabotage your own alibi. If you said you were going to share a meal with a friend, don't come home ravenously hungry. Dress appropriately for wherever you are supposed to be. If it's a work appointment, don't wear your jeans (unless that's what you wear for work appointments). You also need to talk about your alibi without looking or sounding nervous. Talking about it needs to come easy to you.  If it doesn't, re-think it.

If you feel like this alibi business feels slimy and scummy, that's because it is. Lying to Hubby is the worst part about prowling, by far.  I've even cancelled a couple of play dates because I just couldn't lie to him on those days. There was no particular reason except I just couldn't do it. As most of you know, my preference would be to be completely honest and upfront about the whole thing. Unfortunately, that's not what Hubby wants.

Do you have a favorite alibi?  Is it simple, believable, and verifiable? Have you ever been caught because you used a bad alibi?

The Unexpected Downside of Infidelity

I was chatting with a dear friend this morning and he reminded me about one of the downsides of infidelity that we rarely talk about and that most never see coming.  It's not getting caught, although that can be, and usually is, pretty bad. It's something that is brought on by the experience itself.

Most of us who cheat are looking for something that is missing from our relationship at home.  It's usually intimacy and/or sex, but it could include many other things, too. If you're lucky, you'll meet the right person and find what you're looking for. At that point, all you see is the upside.

If everything clicks, you experience intimacy like you never have before, maybe not even with your spouse in those flush early days. The sex is great.  You feel alive. You wonder why you waited so long. You find that feeling so connected to another human being on so many levels is amazing beyond description. In a nutshell, for the first time in a long time, you feel complete. All of your needs are being met and you're happy.

What could be bad about that?

Well, nothing.  As long as it lasts.  The problem is that, unlike marriage, affairs are not intended to go on forever.  That's generally speaking, of course.  Some can go on for years or decades, but those are the exceptions.  Most affairs end. In the best of situations, they end well. The affair has run its course and you both agree that it's time to move on or that it's time to attempt fidelity again.  Maybe you end on good terms because you just drifted apart. The time between meetings just got longer and longer until *POOF*you just weren't seeing each other anymore. That's pretty much what happened between me and JJ.  There was no decision to end it, no falling out.  It just fizzled out due to lack of attention.  That doesn't mean we don't care about each other, just that the affair is not active (I'm hesitant to say "done" because I don't know what the future holds, even though it looks like it's done).

But maybe your affair ends on bad terms.  Your wife finds out or your partner's husband finds out, and things turn very, very ugly. Maybe you can salvage your marriage, but that was only possible because you agreed to end the affair. Maybe your partner just decided she wanted to end it or she found someone else. Regardless of how you feel about it, it's over.

The ending, though, isn't even the bad part I'm talking about. It's worse when the affair is over, and you know it's over forever, and you're still with your spouse, and you're faced with the heart wrenching knowledge that you have experienced indescribable intimacy with another human being, and now it's gone.  And you may not have that ever again.

I'm a believer in Alfred Lord Tennyson's assertion that " 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved," because I honestly believe that connecting with our fellow human beings is part of why we're here. Loving others, in all the possible forms that love takes, is how we live to the fullest.

As long as I'm quoting literature, let me add another. "A ship in the harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are for." This is attributed to William G.T. Shedd as well as to several other people (that's what the internet does to authors who don't copyright their work; eventually, everyone claims it). Some people, most notably those who obviously can't read, claim that Theodore Roosevelt said it first in his 1901 State of the Union speech, saying that "ships are not built for a harbor."  Of course, he was actually talking about real ships and the need to get them out of the harbor so peacetime crew can get adequate training, not ships leaving a harbor as a metaphor for courage and risk taking. The funny thing is that he never really said it.  What he said was, "Our ships must be assembled in squadrons actively cruising away from harbors and never long at anchor." Even poor Teddy Roosevelt can't escape bad reporting.

Wow.  My inner nerd just jumped out at you.  Sorry about that. However,  if you're ever in a nerdy mood, read Roosevelt's speech in its entirety. He talks about the importance of building the Panama Canal and the cavalry, basing U.S. foreign policy on the Monroe Doctrine, and changing the way recruits are addressed at Annapolis. Good stuff...and kind of amusing given today's context.

But I digress....again.

The point was that I agree that knowing there will be pain in the future is no reason to avoid living and loving fully today. Still, it's painful to have what you were craving and then have to face a life without it again.

Before you experience it, you know you're not happy, not content.  You know something is missing, but it's only when you have it in your life for a period of time that you fully understand the depth of the hole in your life without it. Yes, you can go to counseling with your spouse and if you're both willing, things can definitely get better, and that's awesome! But it is unlikely that your spouse will ever be able to fill that void for you completely.

I know that some of you may be thinking, "Hey! It's not your spouse's job to fill that void!  You need to fill it yourself by growing spiritually and learning to appreciate what you have."  Ok, there's some truth to that. One of the secrets of a happy long-term marriage is appreciation.  Another is for each spouse to be on his/her own path of growth and self-actualization (did you ever think you'd see that word again after the 70's?). I have to tell you, though, that my first thought when I hear someone say something like that is that they have probably never experienced the intimacy I'm talking about.  If they had, they'd know that one person can't recreate that alone just by concentrating on being grateful. It's like magic. It's illusive and addictive......and sorely missed when it's gone.

This morning I told my friend that he should never say never because it's possible that he may find that lost intimacy with his wife. We don't know what the future holds. If they are both working on it, it's possible.

But we both knew the truth.  It's unlikely. So how do you live with that?  How do you happily stay on the farm when you've seen Paris, so to speak? I don't know.  I know it's difficult, and I know that life is full of trade offs.  Maybe we have to let go of the magic to keep the family we love whole. Maybe we have to go back to settling for something that doesn't fully fulfill us in exchange for a chance at another kind of happiness. Maybe we just have to hope that as we age it won't really matter as much to us.

Warning someone about this downside of infidelity before they cheat won't do any good because it will just make them want to find that magic and have the experience themselves.  And then they'll know. Unfortunately, at that point, there's going back.

Is it really "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved?"

10 Surefire Ways to Ruin Your Affair

You've done all the searching.  You've found someone. You have an affair.  It's fantastic! But then it all blows up in your face.  What happened? We tend to focus our time and attention on finding a partner, but that's just the beginning. If you're not careful, it can end as quickly as it began.

Here are 10 surefire ways to ruin things.

1. Be uncommunicative. You wooed her with your witty repartee and sensitive, insightful emails, but once you caught her, you became silent or very close to it. You told her you're busy, but it really doesn't matter why.  If you stop communicating, she'll be gone. How long it takes her to walk away depends on many factors, including how much she likes you, how desperate she is, how good you are in bed, and probably one or two other things. Eventually, though, she'll go.
2. Treat her like a booty call. In the beginning you romanced her and seduced her, but now you don't talk to her much at all, except when you want sex. So you call and act like everything is exactly as it should be and you try to set up a date.  She'll go along with it for awhile, but eventually you'll be shocked when she's always too busy to see you, especially when she had no problem making the time before. Even a fuck buddy needs some friendly communication in between fuck sessions.
3. Lie to her.....and get caught. Face it.  We're all liars.  We lie to our spouses and, yes, we even lie to ourselves at times. Still, we don't want to believe that a lover would ever lie to us. You tell her you're not looking on AM anymore, but she catches you. Now she says she can't trust you, which is odd because you really weren't too trustworthy before because you're cheating on your wife with her, but she didn't count that in the trustworthy equation (there's that lying to ourselves thing again).
4. Start to fantasize (and talk) about being together full-time. The majority of prowlers never leave their spouses, and those that do very rarely end up with the lover they were with when they split. You have a deal. You're both married and you're planning to stay married.  If you start making noises about changing the plan, your lover may disappear very quickly.
5. Tell your friends. You think it's safe.  You think your friends would never, ever tell anyone that you're having an affair. Until they do. Of course they're not trying to hurt you, but the intention doesn't matter when your spouse finds out.
6. Start getting sloppy. After a while, you think you've  got your spouse totally hoodwinked so you don't delete messages and email like you used to. You forget to clear your browser history. You wear perfume or scented after shave to a meeting with lover, leaving him/her smelling like s/he was inappropriately close to someone of the opposite sex. It's only natural to let your guard down a little after a while.  Maintaining constant vigilance is difficult, but if you get sloppy, you'll slip up, and the affair will be over.
7. Get selfish in bed. There's nothing wrong with being selfish in bed every now and then and just letting your lover please you, but remember that s/he has a spouse at home who probably does that all the time. If it becomes a regular thing, why would s/he want to be with you? S/he could be stay at home and be completely unsatisfied without risk of divorce.
8. Be emotionally unavailable. Let me be very clear on this.  An affair is about more than sex. It's about friendship,  emotional connection, mutual support, and sex. If all you want is sex, you don't want an affair.  You want a fuck buddy or a prostitute. If you go into the relationship saying you want an affair and then you shut down emotionally, she won't stay long, or if she does, she'll also be looking for someone else. If you can't be at least a little bit emotionally vulnerable, just call a hooker.
9. Talk only about yourself. Don't forget the 'mutually supportive' part of having an affair. If you're talking all the time and you don't know much about what's going on in her life, you won't be able to be very supportive at all. Why should she stay? I've been in relationships (both long and short term) with men who could not tell you anything substantial about my life because the topic of conversation was always their lives, their needs, their struggles. I've even been told by someone that he didn't want to hear about anything related to my family. What the fuck?! Try this test. Let's imagine that someone were to ask you about your lover, "Hey, what's going on with (your lover) these days?"  Would you know what to say?  Would you be able to say anything more than, "Oh, uh, she's great!" If you can't, she's either on her way out the door or she's unhappy and thinking about it.
10. Take her for granted. Things have been going so well for so long that you don't feel the need to be as diligent about the niceties. You may go for days without contact because you're really busy. Come on, how long does it take to send a two sentence email saying that you're busy but you care about her/love her and you miss her? You start forgetting to send her a thank you text or email after playtime. You just assume she'll show up for playtime, so you quit asking her. All the little acts of appreciation you showed in the beginning are long gone. Basically, you treat her like you treat your wife, or worse. Remember, she's already taken for granted and under appreciated at home.  Why would she take that from you? And when she leaves, you'll probably be shocked because you didn't see it coming.

Now, take a look at this list again. Except for numbers 4, 5, and 6, these are also ways to ruin your marriage. If you recognize yourself in any of these, there may still be time to change. 

Knock at the Door

It all started with a knock at the door.

My son looked out the front window and shouted to me that it was a friend of Daddy's. I opened the door expecting it to be one of Hubby's buddies. Instead, I was looking at Hubby's  favorite playmate from a few years ago. Twenty-something.  Blonde.  Not gorgeous, but not unattractive. I just stared at her.

She looked like a deer in the headlights.  She stuttered and finally managed to ask if Hubby was home.

That's when I realized what was going on.  Hubby had taken my car to the shop to have some work done. So, it was the middle of the day on a weekday and only his car was in the driveway.

She wasn't expecting me to be home. She thought she'd find Hubby there alone. Un-fucking-believable.

I told her that he wasn't home. She asked if she could have his phone number because she lost it. Seriously. She asked ME for my husband's phone number.  I told her I couldn't do that, but if she gave me her number I could call him and pass on her message. I grabbed some paper and wrote down the number.

Let's back up for a moment.  You may remember that Hubby came clean about his extracurricular activities a couple of years ago when one of his skanks tried to blackmail him.  She wanted cash in exchange for not telling me about their affair. He decided to tell me rather than pay her, which was the right thing to do, of course.  As we talked about it, I learned that he had been seeing several women for a long time. The one standing in front of me was his favorite and the only one that he used to bring into our home for sex.

Not only did he bring her to our home, but he fucked her in our bed - many times. That was a big deal for me. I was (and am) ok with him playing with other women, but not in our home and not in our bed. It's a simple matter of respect for me.  He agreed he would never do it again, yet her she was standing on my porch at a time when he should have been home alone.

After she gave me her number, she didn't know what to do.  She apologized for bothering me. I told her it was no bother at all. Then, after another awkward moment or two, she turned and walked away.

I was too angry to call Hubby, so I texted him. "M just showed up at the door and asked for you. She asked for your number but I refused and I got her number instead. xxx-xxx-xxxx.  She would like you to call her. When you speak with her, please tell her I never want to see her at my home again.When we talk later, you may want to be prepared to answer some questions.  What the fuck was she doing here?!? Why did our son know her?? He called her 'Daddy's friend'.Are you still seeing her? Remember our deal?  If you screw around then I can do it openly, too. You should think about these things before you come home."

Within 15 seconds of hitting Send, my phone rang.  It was Hubby.

"I have no idea why she came to the house," he said. "I haven't seen her for a couple of years and I told her never to come to the house."  He sounded a bit frantic.

"I suggest you make that clear to her again."

"Do you believe me?" he asked quietly.

I thought about it for a moment.  Then I answered, "No, I don't believe you, but that really doesn't matter. I don't want her anywhere near our home and I don't want her anywhere near our son. You need to make sure she complies."

He agreed and said he would call her and straighten things out.

About ten minutes later, the phone rang again.  It was him, but I didn't answer. Whatever he had to say, it could wait until he got home in a couple of hours.

I spent some time thinking about what had happened, trying to figure out what I was feeling. I was definitely angry, not because of the likelihood that he was still seeing her, but because she came to the house. Because I opened the door and there she was.  Because Hubby had obviously had her over when my son was home. Because I just didn't want to deal with her. I shouldn't have to deal with her. If I could keep my playmates completely away from him, why couldn't he manage to do the same for me?

Yeah, I was angry.

When Hubby got home, he told me that he called her and she started apologizing as soon as she answered the phone. He said she promised she would never come by the house again, under any circumstances. He said she came by because she thought he'd be there alone and she was interested in starting things up again.

That was already obvious to me, but I was glad he was honest enough to say it.

We talked a bit more about my anger that our son knew her. He apologized and said he knew that was wrong and he shouldn't have had her over when our son was home.

And he swore repeatedly that he hadn't been with her for a couple of years. I finally stopped him because I was tired of talking about it. I didn't believe him anyway and no amount of talking would change that.  Besides, as I said before, it really didn't matter. I didn't (and don't) object to him having sex with twenty-something playmates.  I'm not that young anymore and I certainly can't offer a 25 year old pussy. If he wants to get that, he can. But he needs to follow the rules and be discreet.

The last thing I said to him that night when we got in bed was that I don't ever want another visit like that. He agreed.  Then  he asked if I wanted to fool around. Seriously. After all of that, he asked for sex.

I was stunned, silenced in disbelief.  Then I thought about it and answered.

"Sure, why not?"

What'll Keep Me Out of Heaven

It's rare that I hear a song that really touches me and resonates like this one does. Brandy Clark's "What'll Keep Me Out of Heaven" got my attention. It captures the ambivalence I've felt about prowling. It's wrong, but it feels right. It's forbidden, but it lets us access parts of ourselves that have been locked away for a long time. What'll keep me out of heaven will take me there tonight....

What are your thoughts?

What'll Keep Me Out of Heaven

I know I shouldn't be here tonight
I hardly know this man
It's been a long time since I felt as pretty, as he tells me I am
I've met him at a coffee shop and I've met him in the park
But I've never been alone with him in this dress after dark

There's so many shades of grey but this is black and white
He's some stranger's husband and I'm some stranger's wife
Ten floors up he's waiting with champagne and candle light
What'll keep me out of heaven will take me there tonight

The arrow's on the second floor
The bell's about to ring
And I have to turn away right now
Or walk into this thing
If I step into that elevator, there ain't no turning around
And I don't know what scares me most- the ride up or the ride down

There's so many shades of grey but this is black and white
He's some stranger's husband and I'm some stranger's wife
Ten floors up he's waiting with champagne and candle light
What'll keep me out of heaven will take me there tonight

Ten floors up he's waiting with champagne and candle light
What'll keep me out of heaven will take me there tonight

Things I Want to Say to Ex-Lovers

When a relationship or encounter ends, I do my best to always be gracious. After all, it does no good to express a bunch of anger to the person. I prefer the high road - walk away without saying anything I might regret later and look at the whole thing as a positive experience and a lesson learned.

It also doesn't make sense to give them all the detail about why I'm breaking it off, if I'm the one walking away. A simple, but kind, "moving on" message is best.

I also try to maintain some of my own dignity.  Begging them not to leave me would be rather unbecoming, wouldn't it?  Not that I usually want to, but there have been a couple of times. I could make it hard for them, but I never do. No, I exhibit self-control and graciousness.

Don't I sound so mature?

The truth is that while I make sure to be gracious and sweet on the outside, there are all sorts of emotions and thoughts flying around on the inside. Those are the things I want to say, but I don't. Why don't I?  Because I don't want the result that saying them would have. There's no point.

But this morning as I was having some of those those thoughts, it occurred to me - I have a blog! I really can say them.

I wonder if each of my ex-lovers would know which statements apply to him. Interesting thought. Some apply to more than one person and, in some cases, several statements apply to the same man.

So, here they are, in no particular order.

• You're feeling guilty now?  Really?  Don't you think you could have thought about that before you came in my mouth?
• I'm not stupid. Just tell me the truth. I would have preferred that to your avoiding me for days or weeks.
• I loved you. I still love you.  I'm pretty sure I always will.
• You really weren't that good.
• Every single time I think of you I smile. 
• I faked it.  Every time.
• I didn't really leave you because I needed more time for my family.  I left you because of your incessant talk about wanting a threesome.
• Yes, your dick is too small and you need to develop some other skills to make up for that. 
• This might have worked if you could carry on a conversation. 
• You really hurt me. I know you apologized, and I know you did what you felt you had to do at the time, but you could have done it differently. I deserved better.
• Your constant pressure to come out and play at night when you knew that was family time for me was just too annoying. It felt like harassment. And when you acted hurt because I said my kids were more important that fucking around I was just blown away (and not in a good way). Buh bye.
• Damn, I miss you.
• Your veiled threat to tell my husband was not a good idea. I can't believe you would even consider such a thing. Do you really want this to become ugly when it doesn't have to?
• You're judging me?  Seriously? You went shopping for a woman on a site for married people, you found a married woman, and now you're making a moral judgement about me? What's wrong with you?
• Fuck you, Asshole!!!
• Quoting my own words from PWK to me constantly was really creepy.
• No, this affair isn't all about you. It's about me, too.
• My time with you was one of the best experiences of my life. I wish it could have continued.
• Why didn't you pursue me harder, make an attempt to show me you were really interested or, better yet, just tell me you wanted me? I can't read minds.
• You killed it for me when you asked if we could pray together for forgiveness after we had just screwed around.

Ahhh.....that feels better. Sometimes you just have to get that stuff out.

A Stupid Prowler Story - Yes, It Really Happened

This story is so full of fuck-ups interesting happenings that I just had to share it with you. Here it is in a nutshell:

Cop has affair with mistress.  Cop works the night shift and spends at least 57 nights playing with mistress instead of bring on patrol. Cop falsifies all sorts of records to cover his tracks (of course). Cop parks his patrol car out in front of mistress's house every time he "visits." Neighbor calls police to complain about the police being parked out front so often. Cop gets caught. Cop "retires" after 18 years on the force and draws a full pension. Cop is charged with 80 counts of official misconduct and 25 counts of falsifying business records. Presumably, the affair ends. Mistress makes details of the affair public - like what they did when they were together and the fact that the cop sometimes left his gun where her kids could have reached it.

But here's the part that blew my hair back.....

Mistress sues the county for $10 million for failing to properly supervise the cop while he was on duty.

Wow!

By the way, the cop was married and she was not.

Okay, Prowlers, how many of you can identify the mistakes the cop made in this situation?

Here's a link to the news story if you want to read about it yourself.

Where Is This Thing Going?

Affairs are different than other types of romantic relationships in several ways. Of course, there's the secrecy and the risk, but there's also a difference in the very nature of the relationship.

This is usually difficult for women to understand - and live with - but it seems to fit right into how men think.

Most romantic relationships seem to be headed somewhere - to living together, to marriage, to kids, to "happily ever after." Women get out of relationships that they don't think are going anywhere or that they don't think are progressing fast enough in the right direction.  Why?  We have a biological imperative tick-tick-ticking away. We need to lock in that husband/provider so we can start nesting. Ladies, please don't go all feminist on me.  I know that women have many choices nowadays, but biology is biology.

At the same time that women are trying to tie you down, Boys, you are feeling a biological imperative to spread your seed and resist the nesting, but you still want to lock your favorite mate into a nesting relationship. It's a paradox, but its' reality.

What about an affair, though? You both have your mates locked in.  The nest has been established.  The little birds are being cared for and well-fed. You don't want to rock the boat at home, but you want more. So, you find a partner and have an affair.

It's great at first.  After a while, however, the woman starts thinking, "where is this going" and how do I move it along? I think we women start to think that because we're programmed to think that.

Our lovers are very confused by that. "What do you mean, 'where is this going?' This is it!  This is great!" they reply. And they are exactly right.

It goes back to the fact that men are much more capable of living in the moment and enjoying the moment for what it is and women are always looking ahead and around us and planning and thinking.

There is nowhere for an affair to go, other than where it is. You have to embrace it for what it is and enjoy it for what it gives you in the moment - or get out.

If you're unhappy because you don't like the nature of the relationship - too much emotion, not enough emotion, whatever - just get out. An affair has to be appreciated for what it is, and it can be amazing.  Or it can be a constant reminder of what you don't have at home and what you're missing.

I know it can be disconcerting if you invest any emotion at all into a relationship to know that it's really not "going anywhere" and it could end at any moment. But that's also what makes it exciting to some degree, and it teaches you to truly live in the moment.  Enjoy this person on this day.

Abandon yourself to the experience.

If you can't do that, don't do it.

Would You Tell?

I made a big mistake with a friend recently. Her marriage has been in trouble, since...well, since it began. Her husband has been physically and verbally abusive to her and her children for years. Their most recent argument had been particularly bad, and she sought me out to talk.  As she was talking with me about  how she had finally had enough, she slipped in, "...and I think he may be having an affair, too."

I have heard the he's-abusive-but-I-love-him story  many times over the past 12 years or so, but this was a new development and, as the infidelity goddess, my interest was piqued.

"What makes you think he's having an affair, " I asked as casually as I possibly could.

She went on to tell a very familiar story. He flipped out if she attempted to touch his phone. When she did get her hands on it late at night while he was sleeping, it was completely blank - no texts, no emails, no phone call history - even though he was always using his phone. He went out a lot in the evening and at least once a week he would suddenly get mad about something - anything - and he'd stomp out of the house and be gone for hours. If she asked him where he had gone or where he was anytime he wasn't at home, he'd get very angry and she'd back off in fear, and he'd never tell her where he was. Their sex life was not good, as you might expect.  He constantly complained that she wouldn't give him enough sex, but whenever she offered when he came back from one of his evening "outings," he always declined.

Wow, I thought.  This guy was barely even trying to hide it.

I've been around long enough to know that nothing strains a friendship like unsolicited advice, so I just looked sympathetic, adding in a gasp to indicate my shock every now and then. If she didn't ask the question, I wasn't going any further.

But then she asked.

"Kat, do you think he's having an affair?"

My answer was swift and definite, "Yes."

She looked like I had slapped her in the face.

I wanted to say, "Hey, don't be mad at me.  I'm not the one cheating on you," but I chose instead to ask her a few questions. Did he clean up just before he got mad and stomped out?  When he came home, did he head straight for the shower? Did he ever whisper into his phone when he was talking?  Did he excuse himself to go into the bathroom a lot (presumably to text her)?

I asked her several other questions, and pointed out that the signs she had been noticing on her own were common signs of infidelity.

She was appalled. Shocked. She talked about how she wanted to handle it.  Given his propensity for violence, I suggested that she not accuse him directly.  I also suggested that she consider getting a restraining order if she was going to actually attempt to leave him again.

She left and I heard from her again the next day.  She told me that she went straight home and confronted him about it. So much for my advice, I thought. Then she told me that I should know that he had a perfectly good explanation for everything and he was definitely not having an affair.  She had overreacted and I had convinced her to interpret things that way because I never liked her husband.

Wow.

How did I manage to get such a stupid friend?

The truth, though, is that many people just don't want to accept the reality that their spouse is cheating because then it means they either need to do something or accept it, and they don't want to do either. What they want is for it not to be happening, so they think like a small child who doesn't think something exists if he just pretends it's not there.

I don't believe in forcing anyone to accept it. There's something to be said for the, "ignorance is bliss" approach.

As for my friend, she's right that I don't like her husband.  How could I like a man who treats his wife and children like that? But that has nothing to do with the fact that I am 100% certain that he is cheating on her.  I probably never would have told her if she hadn't asked me directly.

My question for you today, Prowlers, is would you tell?  If you knew a friend's spouse were cheating, would you tell your friend or would you keep it to yourself?

Panty Games Part 2

Daunt here.  If you read part 1, you should recall I acquired a lovely pair of soaked post orgasm panties.  The following week Madison and I had dinner plans again and I decided to put those panties to good use and tease her a bit.

Before our dinner date I wash the the delicate undergarment. Yes I read the tag, wash gentle, lay out to dry -- I wouldn’t want to ruin them now would I?  Panties in hand I hop in my car and head out.  As I drive the smile grows on my face, each mile giving me time to reflect on how much I enjoy Madison.  The restaurant we are meeting at has fond memories attached to it, it’s where I met her for the very first time.

As I pull into the parking lot I see Madison’s car pulling up to the valet station, I choose to go to the regular parking lot.  I park, pull the brake and grin.  Folding the panties just so, I tuck them into the breast pocket of my black pinstripe button up shirt.  The panties are black and they are peeking out, not too noticeable, but noticeable enough.  I exit the car and head for the restaurant.

Upon entering the rear entrance and rounding the bar I see Madison seating herself on the other end.  She’s wearing another sundress, cream colored and clinging to her.  The dress hugs her curves and delights my eyes with just enough cleavage.  What can I say, I love it. She sees me and smiles.  I give her a hug and a kiss, then take a seat next to her.

Conversation flows and we laugh and share with one another.  After a drink we decide just to stay at the bar and have our meal there.  I ask the bartender to bring us a couple of menus, then it happens.  I’m facing Madison with a foot on her stool and she turns toward me and begins to speak, “Daunt, do you...” In mid-sentence she freezes.  My mischievous grin widens as I follow her gaze to my chest, my pocket.  The seconds tick with each expression crossing her face.  Curiosity, then comprehension, her jaw falls open in disbelief, finally her cheeks plume red flustered and embarrassed.  With slow deliberation she reaches out her right hand and tucks her panties deeper into my pocket. I burst into laughter.  Madison turns back toward the bar giggling and fanning her warm, glowing face.  “I can’t believe you did that!” she says through a grin.

We finish our dinner with leisure and affection.  We’re very comfortable with one another and neither of us want the evening to end.  It’s dusk out and we walk out the back of the restaurant.  The summer breeze is cool, but there are lawn chairs placed around gas powered fire pits.  We find a couple of chairs away from others and sit down.  I pull her feet into my lap, slip off her shoes and begin massaging Madison's feet.  Looking up I find her looking at me intently.  She’s beautiful.  I quietly look back into her eyes and find them welling up with tears.

“Madison,” I begin clearly concerned, “what’s on your mind?  Is everything ok?”

She looks away briefly.  “Yes, I’m ok.” her voice thick with emotion.  “It’s just... you’re so good to me...”

At this point Madison and I have been seeing each other for 6-7 months.  We had spent weekends together, gone on outings together -- we were a couple, but not a couple at the same time; she’s married -- and not to me.

As we talk I find myself agast.  She explains that she had convinced herself that having the simple affections, like me rubbing her feet, were too much to expect.  I was floored to learn that this was something her husband had never done.  It also drove home the level of neglect she had been living with; married, but still alone.

I reach out, cup her cheek and kiss her tenderly.  She returns the kiss with urgency, passion.  I want her, but again it’s not in the cards for this evening.  I scan the area.  It’s nearly night and we’re still alone. Gently I begin running my hand up the inside of her bare thigh.  Her legs part slightly, welcoming.

My hand nears her sex feeling the heady heat of her arousal.  Finding the edge of her panties I navigate around them. Madison arches slightly with a shudder as my fingers slide into her with ease.  I look deeply into her eyes as I bring her to orgasm, kissing her at its height.

Arching my brow with a sly half smile I tell her, “I want this pair too.”

Madison laughs.  “What is it with you?  I’ll give them to you at the car.”

“No.  I’ll have them now, thank-you” I reply.

Madison smiles widely shaking her head.  She lifts her bottom from the lawn chair, wriggles off her panties and hands them over.  “Just what are you going to do with this little collection you got going?” she asks.

With nonchalance I reply, “I’m going to put them in little glass trophy cases and put them on the mantle.  They’ll need little brass label plates indicating the date and where they were acquired too.”

“You would, wouldn’t you!” Madison retorts with a giggle.

I take her hand and help her rise from her chair.  Hand in hand we walk to the rear of the restaurant, through the large windows you can see the patrons eating their meals and drinking at the bar.  Stopping near the windows I pull Madison into an embrace.  I kiss her running my hand down the small of her back and over her bottom.  “No panty lines,” I tease.  Madison smiles back, eyes sparkling.

We walk through the rear entrance then exit out the front and say our good-byes.  I begin walking to my car, reaching into my pocket.  I chuckle to myself as my hand finds the new damp little prize that’s going home with me.

Panty Games Part 1

I know it has been a while, but yes, it's Daunt.  The post you're about to read was written over a month ago and with it I have some bittersweet news to share.  Madison and I are no longer seeing each other.  Her husband discovered the affair and began to put forth truly amazing effort to save his marriage and keep his wife.  Madison was cynical at first, but then began to soften; she decided to give him a chance.  As for me... well... I'm happy for her, but I will miss her very much.

I have a lot of thoughts surrounding this I want to share, which I will likely do at the end of part 2.  It is important for everyone to know that none of us came out of this unscathed; not me, not Madison nor her husband. There was hurt and pain to go around.  For now though, let me share a memory that is a lusty joy.  Here is the post:

____________________

Not long ago Madison and I met for dinner.  We both arrived at the quaint little mom-and-pop Italian restaurant I had chosen at nearly the same time.  She exits her car and strolls toward me wearing a lovely light sundress; my eyes take her in from head to toe.  After sharing a hello kiss we walk inside.

Upon being seated at a table I ask to have the bottle of wine I had brought to be opened; It was a bottle Madison and I had bought on one of our outings.  As we chat and catch up I find myself watching her every movement, the way her hand cups the glass, the way her lips delicately conform to the rim as she sips her wine, the sparkle of her blue eyes and the shine of her smile.  As dinner goes on a growing arousal builds, it’s mirrored in her eyes and crackles in the air between us; palpable.

Dinner was wonderful and dessert is brought, a frothy whipped cream concoction with fresh berries.  I watch enraptured as Madison’s tongue sensually licks the spoon.  Does she know the effect she’s having on me? My body is a coiled spring without release.  I sigh knowing that there will be no time for lovemaking this evening.  I call for the check.  What am I going to do?

Hand in hand we walk out to her car.  We share an intimate kiss near Madison’s car.  As she pulls back from the kiss she asks, “Would you like to sit with me for a few minutes?”  I nod my head and smile, then hop into the passenger seat.

Soon my fingers are curled into hair pulling her into a hungry kiss and my right hand feels the bare skin of her knee.  Slowly my hand makes its way up her thigh, the soft skin gliding under my palm.  Soon my hand feels the sultry heat of her sex.  Gently I pull her panties aside, the only noise in the car is our urgent breathing.  I slip a finger inside her and rest my thumb against her clit triggering a shudder and a moan.

I pull my head back and look into Madison’s eyes.  “You will not come without asking my permission”, I state flatly.

“This again huh?”, with mock exaggeration she rolls her eyes. Then her face spreads into a mischievous knowing smile. “You know I’ll do whatever you ask”, she says sweetly.

I begin to rub her clit with my thumb, the finger inside curling up to stimulate her on the inside.  Madison’s face relaxes, lips parted, awash in sensation.  Her breathing becomes clipped and her body begins rocking to the tempo set by my hand.

“Daunt”, she says breathily, eyes half-lidded, “can I come now?”

“No”, I reply.  Slowly I begin increasing the level of sensation.  Easily I slip another finger inside her, my hand wet with her arousal.

“Daunt, please.  I want to come.”
“I know you can wait longer for me.  No”, I state calmly.

“Daunt, please let me come!”

“No.  You’ll wait”, I command.

“I don’t know if I can!”  Madison’s left hand darts out clutching the car’s door handle, knuckles turning white.  I can feel her legs beginning to tremble.  Her right hand tightly grips my bicep.

Madison’s eyes look into mine intently pleading.  I look back at her while her body shudders under my ministrations.  I wait watching until I fear she truly can’t hold back anymore.  Quietly while looking her in the eyes I say, “Come for me Madison.”

As soon as the words have left my lips her body succums.  A moan escapes her lips and she shakes, her pussy throbbing and squirting over my hand.  The seat is soaked with the ecstasy of her climax.  As she works to regain her composure I kiss her gently.

“Wow”, she giggles.  “The seat is soaked. I think there is a towel in the back.”

As I hear her speak a thought occurs to me.  I can’t be inside her this evening, but I can take some of her with me.  “Madison, I want your panties.”

“Oh, you do huh?” she chuckles through a smile.

“Yes, I do.”

“Well okay!” she replies. She gets out the car and with a delightful wiggle slips her panties off, jumps back in the car and hands them to me.  They are very wet.  I could wring them out if I wanted, but I dismiss that thought quickly -- that’d be foolish.

I give Madison a goodnight kiss thanking her for her gift and get in my car.  Yes. Part of her is with me all the way home.

The Other Husband

I knew it would happen eventually, but I wasn't prepared for it. Hubby did all of his fooling around locally - with women I know. These are women I see around town regularly.  One is the mother of a child at my son's school.  Others attend my church.

There's really nothing to say or do when I have a "slut sighting," as I call it, except smile sweetly and get the hell out of there as soon as possible.

What I wasn't prepared for was an encounter with a husband or boyfriend of one of Hubby's playmates.  I was innocently walking around the block at lunch time to shake off some work stress and Mr. M walked out of a business onto the sidewalk and right into my path.  I stopped for a moment, startled. he said, "Oh! Excuse me!" and then he looked up and saw who I was and then he looked startled, too.

It was one of those slow motion moments - two people staring at each other for what seemed like forever but it probably was only a second. I turned away first, said, "Sorry" quickly, and started walking away.

What is the polite thing to say in such a situation?  As some of you will remember from some earlier posts, I have been to charm school three times. I know the rules of etiquette.  I've read all the famous books on the subject, but I don't remember a chapter on "What to say to the husband of the woman your husband was fucking for several years." The only thing I knew for sure was that when such a moment arrived, I was not going to let myself say "I'm sorry" as a reflex because I don't owe an apology for my husband's behavior. Ok, I might say "I'm sorry this happened to your family," but that's it.

I was two steps away, thinking I had made a clean getaway when I heard, "Excuse me, Kat...."  Damn. I turned around and raised my eyebrows, giving the nonverbal "what can I do for you?" signal. All I knew for sure at that moment was that speaking as little as possible was probably my best bet.

"Mrs. M told me what happened," he said. "With your husband, I mean."

Gee, I'm glad you clarified that, I thought.

"Oh. Okay," I said.  So far, the 'woman of few words' plan was working well.

"Are they still.....involved?" he asked.

"I don't think so," I answered,"but I really don't know." I tried to turn and walk again, but then he said, "I didn't know, you know.  I had no clue. Did you know?"

That's when I saw the pain on his face, in his eyes.  My heart broke for him. Damn, I thought. There's no clean getaway here.


"No, I didn't know. I didn't have a clue, either.  In fact, a couple of friends of mine asked me if I thought he was fooling around and I swore that I was sure he wasn't, so that shows you what I know. It wasn't just you."

He asked me to sit with him on the nearby bus bench and talk, and I agreed.  I'm not sure why I agreed.  I felt badly for him. I felt like I owed him some time, although I don't know why. He told me what he knew about it and he asked questions.  He was unaware that his wife wasn't the only one.  He was unaware that to Hubby it was not an emotional affair at all, that it was only sex. He was unaware that they did their fucking in my bed. He was unaware that his wife had taken money for her "services."  I was unaware that sometimes her child was with her, sitting on the couch in my living room while mommy and her friend played in the back room.  I was unaware that to his wife it was most definitely an emotional affair and she thought she was in love with my Hubby. I was unaware that Mr. and Mrs. M were struggling to keep their marriage together and it didn't look like they were going to make it.

Thirty minutes later, I think we both felt like we'd been put through an emotional wringer. I couldn't believe that I had been afraid of an attack.  This man wasn't on the offensive at all.  He was simply trying to make sense of it all and keep his family together. He was broken.

He asked, "Have you ever thought of cheating, too?"

I hadn't lied yet.  This was no time to start, but I kept my answer simple.

"Yes."

"Me, too," he said, "but then I'd be just like her."

I smiled and said, "Only if you did it for money in my bed."  We both laughed.  He cocked his head a little and looked at me. I think he was trying to figure out if I was just trying to lighten the mood or if I was flirting. It was a little of both, to be honest.

We chatted a little more and then I told him I had to get back to work.  He asked if we could get together for lunch next week. I told him that I was busy at work and wasn't available, but then he asked about the following week.  As I agreed, I already knew that I'd probably cancel. Unlike my Hubby, I don't play with folks from town (Okay, there was Young One, but he was an exception - in several ways). I don't think that's what Mr. M had in mind, but it was a chance I didn't want to take.

We said goodbye and I continued my walk. I wanted to slap Hubby at that moment and tell him, "Look what you did to that man?!" But that would have been a bit hypocritical, wouldn't it? I was going to go home later and tell him about the encounter and ask him if he ever thought about Mr.M, the other husband.

Heartache and Renewal

Daunt here.  I know it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me, so I thought I’d catch you up on me and Madison.

Not long ago Madison and I went on a lovely trip to Paso Robles wine country.  We spent five nights together -- this is no small thing considering that she is married.  Prior to the trip she was feeling pretty confident in the direction her life was going; she had decided to make plans to leave her husband. No, not for me, I wouldn’t accept that.  Madison has become frustrated with me on many occasions when I have come to her husband’s defense; strange, right? However by the end of the trip Madison had become very pensive and I’m feeling like something has gone awry.

The ride back to Sacramento was quiet. Although we had made love that morning, and both enjoyed it, Madison wasn’t with me so to speak.  Her body was there, but her much of her mind was elsewhere.  Something palpable had manifested between us, but neither one of us were acknowledging its presence. As she got in her car to go home she kissed me and smiled, but her eyes betray deep concern.

I watch her car drive away and I begin to ponder our time together.  We had had a fantastic time.  We both thoroughly enjoyed our outings wine tasting, our meals at various restaurants were wonderful and rich with fun, sometimes deep, conversation; and our lovemaking was hot and fulfilling.  We found ourselves reaching a surprising level of comfort with one another.  Then my thoughts are interrupted by a phone call.  It’s Madison.

She starts off by saying, “I’m having all these strange feelings, I don’t know what’s going on.  Maybe I’m feeling guilty.”  We chat a while and come to the uneasy conclusion that maybe it was simply the amount of time spent together and the level of comfort we feel with one another, but the conversation ends feeling unsettled.

At roughly 4PM, while she is on her lunch break from work, we chat again on the phone.  Madison’s guilt and conflicted feelings persist, if anything they’ve become worse.  I listen, try and help her sort her feelings, but at the same time I am careful to avoid influencing her.  She’s sounding like she wants to reconcile with her husband, but at the same time wants me in her life. As the conversation goes on I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  The level of duress Madison is feeling is worrisome.

After our afternoon phone conversation I find myself wrestling with what I want and what I feel Madison needs.  I am concerned. I fear I am clouding her ability to figure out what she needs for herself.  In the end I reach a decision.  I have to stop seeing her.  If she truly wants to work things out with her husband she needs to be released to do so, and if that’s not the case she needs the space to get her head clear.

Sometime after 8PM I tell Madison the decision I had come to. The tears begin to flow.  As I try to explain a war takes place within me; part of me is wanting to take it all back.  She says she understands, but it’s clear she is hurting.  Madison had told me that she would be attending an event with her husband and his family over the weekend.  I suggest that she really try over the weekend to open her heart to her husband, to really try and decide if he can fulfill what she is lacking in her life.  I tell her that we shouldn’t communicate until Monday so she can have the space to do this.  She agrees and we say our goodbyes.

Something that I think is often overlooked in regard to affairs, is that they are almost never a person's first choice.  The majority of people that enter into an affair do so because something in their marriage relationship is already very broken.  Often, as was the case was with my marriage, one party in the marriage will believe that everything is fine.  And frequently the party that feels the marriage is okay will dissuade the other from seeking help like counseling.

Listen up folks.  If your spouse is asking for counseling, there is a problem.  If this problem could have been handled without outside help, it would have been.  Just go.  I also suggest seeing an individual counselor.  An objective party trained to listen and help you organize your thoughts can be an enormous help.

Madison and I couldn’t even make it through a weekend without a couple of text messages, but we were mostly good.  Come Monday we talk on the phone.  She said she really made an effort to open herself to her husband and that the weekend mostly went well.  They had gotten into a couple of deep discussions that caused her to feel disheartened, but they were going to another couples counseling session that evening.

Tuesday I touch base with Madison again.  I learn the couples counseling didn’t go so well.  She’s seeing more clearly the issues she has come to believe can never be overcome.

Friday rolls around.  Madison sees her individual counselor.  Much of what she is feeling is validated and for the first time she shares with her counselor about her friendship and time spent with me.  Shockingly, in light of what was shared with the counselor, the counselor doesn’t see me as a negative force in Madison’s life.

In the end my decision to stop seeing Madison lasted less than a week.

Make up sex... don’t you love it?

During the following week Madison and I set a time in the evening to see each other.  Next to the bed I kiss her deeply then light a candle.  Slowly we undress one another.  I sit her on the edge of the bed then with a lingering kiss lay her back. No toys, no tethered cuffs, in my heart I wanted our time to be about re-connecting and so did she.

I stand back up next to the bed and gaze down at Madison. Her legs dangle off the edge of the bed at the knee and my hands are resting on her thighs.  She raises herself up on her elbows and looks at my face, from her expression I can tell she’s wondering what I’m thinking.  I smile and say, “Madison, tonight I’m going to treat you.  Roll over onto your stomach.”  A questioning look flutters across her face, but then she does as was bid. She rolls over and stretches out. For a moment I allow myself the simple pleasure of looking at her, the profile of her face, eyes closed; the smooth slope of her back narrowing to her waist, the bell flare to her hips and bottom.

Taking her right foot in my hands I begin massaging and kneading it. Madison’s lips part then shortly after I hear a quiet contented moan.  I continue for some time watching the flickering shadows of candlelight on her skin.  Then I switch to the left foot.

I’m going to share something I’ve truly come to adore about Madison, her skin -- and I don’t mean a particular patch of skin, I mean all of it.  The more aroused Madison becomes, the more sensitive her skin becomes.  I love this.  Her whole body becomes an adventure in discovery.

As her arousal builds I’ll start lightly tracing my fingertips over her.  She will shudder and writhe, sometimes suddenly her hand will dart out and snatch mine because the sensation is simply too much.  Then I’ll find a spot and gently continue swirling my fingertips over it.  The game is on... I get to find out if I can get her to orgasm.  If I win my reward is her sheepish embarrassed laugh.  So far I’ve won our little game with her ear and neck, but those aren’t too uncommon. A more fun one was near one of the dimples at the small of her back.

So after finishing the foot massage I begin running my hands lightly over Madison’s back searching, giving her time to enjoy and take in the sensation.  As I begin to identify a few hot spots I get an idea.  I lean down and kiss her back.

“Let’s have you roll back over”, she can hear the mischievous tone in my voice.  Her eyes open and she smiles rolling to her back.  Still standing next to the bed I grab her thighs and pull her toward me so I’m between her knees, her hips right at the edge of the mattress.  I give her a deep kiss, then kiss and lick her neck.  Then I begin tracing my fingers over her skin again, between her breasts, down her sides, over her thighs, slow circles teasing their way toward her nipples.  I grin as she shudders  and her breathing deepens.

I reach down and slowly ease myself inside her.  She gasps and tilts her hips to take me deeper.  Then I give her a sly half smile and grab her right foot.  Madison watches as I bring her foot to my mouth and touch my tongue to her second largest toe.  She grins back with a look indicating that she thinks I’m just teasing, then she looks a little startled as I take her toe into my mouth.  She gently tries to pull her foot back.  I run my tongue under the back side of her toes, her eyes widen briefly then become half-lidded.  I hear her quiet moan as I take her toe back in my mouth caressing it with my tongue.  She shudders and by being inside her I can feel her climax.  Her eyes pop open and she giggles.

Yes, I won our little game again.

A Story About a Marriage Made Better by an Affair

I met R on Ashley Madison.  He was a great guy. In his 60's. Fit. Married for 40 years. Fun. Smart. A good provider.  He loved his wife very, very much.  She was his best friend. The only problem he had at home was the lack of sex and lackluster sex, and those had been  problems for decades.  In recent years, he had tried everything -talking with her, encouraging her, and even several years of couples therapy. The conclusion was "that's just how she is."

It was at that point that R went on AM looking for more. I was skeptical when we met, both because of his age (I have a 60+ honey at home, ya know) and the fact that he had been having less that fabulous sex for so long.  Maybe he wasn't as good as he thought he was.  He didn't have much feedback to go on.  I know it seems a bit shallow to have thought such things, but I'm just telling you the truth.  At that point in my life, I was looking for a "friend with benefits" situation so the quality of the "benefits" mattered.

I was very pleasantly surprised.  He was an amazing lover! He was generous and patient.  He had an unbelievable amount of stamina and, I have to say it, a cock that was well above average in size (both length and girth). And yes, he definitely knew how to use it - and his fingers...and his tongue.

After being with him about three times, I started to think, "What the heck is wrong with his wife? I know women who would kill to have this man at home.  He's the whole package."

Everything was going along nicely until his wife, P, found out. She didn't take it well. Apparently things were not pretty for awhile.  He continued to see me, being more careful.

R told her why he was having an affair.  He confirmed that he loved her and he didn't want to lose her, but she couldn't argue that he had tried everything he could think of to improve their sex life and she had just refused to make a change, and he couldn't stand it anymore. I am sure that was as difficult a thing to say as it was to hear.

After an initial period of anger and tears, something happened.  She started fighting for her husband - in the bedroom. Apparently, the conclusion that "that's just how she is" was wrong. That was how she was choosing to be, but faced with the prospect of sharing her husband with another woman (and a younger one at that), she decided to make an effort. And things started to change.  Both the frequency and the quality of their sex improved.

I have to admit, I was proud of her! She didn't just lay down and cry, she decided to do what she could to give her husband what he wanted to he wouldn't want another woman. She was going to fight for 40 years of marriage and all of the wonderful things they shared.

When she caught him again, he finally cut things off with me for good.  I haven't heard from him since, but I know for certain that their marriage is better because of the affair he had. It was the shake up P needed to get out of her comfort zone and take her husband's sexual needs seriously.

Now, it could easily have gone the other way and many couples end up in divorce court instead of wedded bliss after an affair, but my point is that it doesn't always mean divorce. Not only can marriages stay together after an affair, but sometimes they are even better than they were before.  That is how it was for R and P.

Popcorn Anyone?

I was watching a TV show this weekend with my husband and oldest son (a young adult). The storyline was about a man who was having an affair and the young woman with whom he was having the affair. 

Let me say right now that I avoid watching TV shows about infidelity because of the danger of the conversation turning toward a discussion of how awful it is and how wonderful it is for Hubby to know that I would never cheat on him, etc. This time, my husband was engaging my son in a discussion about infidelity, which I found particularly interesting since he recently admitted that he'd been cheating with several woman for over 5 years.

But I digress.....

In this storyline, the man wanted to break it off, but the young woman became enraged and started threatening to tell his wife. The man was beginning to panic.  She walked out of his office and into the street, still yelling at him and telling him exactly what she was going to report to his wife when....

She was hit by a bus. She was killed instantly and left a bloody mess all over the bus and the street.

We were all shocked into silence for a moment. Then we laughed and cheered.

(No, I do not normally cheer when people are flattened by buses, but this was a special occasion.  We really liked the man in this show and we really did not like that young woman.)

Then this conversation ensued:

Hubby: See, son? That woman could have ruined that man's life.  That is why you should remain faithful to your wife when you are married.

Son: Actually, it looks like it turned out great for him.  He got some young pussy, and then she got hit by a bus so she couldn't tell his wife. He's a happy guy now.

Hubby: (speaking while I cringe at hearing my sweet baby boy use the word "pussy") Yeah, but he just got lucky.  That's a one in a million thing. The real lesson here is that you shouldn't cheat.

Kat: I think the real lesson is that he shouldn't have cheated with a single woman.  She had all the leverage and all the power in the relationship, which put him in a very risky and tenuous position.  If he had cheated with a married woman, that never would have happened.  She wouldn't threaten to tell his wife because then he could tell her husband. Not telling the spouses is a mutual agreement.  It's like mutually assured destruction.  They both have something to lose. So, it's much safer with a married person, and.....

I stopped talking when I realized they were both staring at me.  My son was looking at me like I was the biggest idiot ever, and Hubby was white as a ghost and he had a stunned expression on is face.  I needed to recover quickly.....

Kat: But your father is right, Son. It's much better not to cheat at all. Popcorn anyone?

And then I jumped up and glided swiftly into the kitchen to make some popcorn. When it was finished, my son came into the kitchen to help me with the bowls. He stepped next to me and leaned over, lowered his voice, and said, "Smooth, Mom."

I sighed as we walked back into the living room.  This is why I don't like watching TV.

DauntlessD Exposed

I just looked back at my very first post, Nice Guys are *NOT* Attractive, and discovered it was posted back in January. It's funny thinking about that first post. It took Kat quite a bit of urging to get me write something, anything. During this span of time I avoided exposing my personal life.

This was for two reasons. First, I have an unusually strong bent in regard to privacy. Even with the anonymity of the blog I felt uncomfortable. This post is about getting past that. Second, I just didn't feel you would enjoy reading about my rather mundane life. Yes my marriage is crumbling so I have the same type of strife as Kat and many others, but outside of participating as co-author on this blog I have not been engaged in any activity that could be considered saucy or controversial; trust me, you would have yawned.

Maybe I'll learn I'm wrong, but Kat has an amazing ability I don't think I have. Even while writing about the rather ordinary struggles with her husband and life, she is able to pull out and highlight some insights and thoughts that make for a fun read. I think my writing on my real world struggles would have simply sounded like whining.

So what's up Daunt, why do you suddenly want to share now?

Here comes the exposure part. My life has suddenly gone from a sickly simmer, to an outright cantankerous boil of change. My marriage is ending and I am moving my wife to the east coast. So with that I have a hunch I'm going to have quite a lot to write about in the near future as I embrace this and face new struggles. AND I have something a bit saucy to share! (Bet you didn't see that coming did you?)

Time to bring up you to speed. I'll try and be brief.

Roughly last October I hit a strange crossroads in my life that rose up in me suddenly and compelled me to make a change. Initially I thought it was a mid-life thing. The thought of an affair at the time appealed to me so I set out to make one happen. I signed into Ashley Madison and went to work. I met a number of women, but for some odd reason something in me just didn't want to pull the trigger so to speak; PWK readers paying attention may have noticed me alluding to this in our 200th post. However, one beautiful thing did come out of this time, I met Kat; read Prowling Friendships, for a bit more insight.

After meeting Kat, something strange happened. As my friendship with her grew, that weird feeling I was having that drove me to Ashley Madison shrunk. Now in retrospect I can finally put a word to that feeling: loneliness. I had never really felt it like that before so I didn't know what it was. However my marriage was gasping and I had roughly a year prior helped my closest friend move out of state. So it makes sense. I was just... lonely.

Oh Daaaauuunnt. DauntlessD, you said you had something saucy for us where is it?

Ah, yes. Well in that phase of meeting women through Ashley Madison, there was one other than Kat that perked my interest. Madison. With this woman I felt that... chemistry... It's the feeling that comes out in Kat's naughty posts. You can almost envision a lioness patiently stalking, then with zest, power and strength the prey is brought down in the blink of an eye. That vibe that causes Kat to POUNCE. That heart pounding sexual energy that causes DauntlessD to... be insufferably nice -- for 7 whole freakin' months!

And with that intro, meet Madison.

To be continued...

(and yes, the saucy part is coming...)

The Road Not Taken

We all have to make choices in life. I've always been pleased that I could look back over my life and not regret many of my choices.  Even the ones that weren't so great played a role in making me who I am, so there aren't many I would change.

But there is one choice that I still think about from time to time, and wonder how my life would be different if I would have made the other choice. What if I had followed through with what I wanted to do, what I had planned to do, at the time?

I met him in an AOL chat room 17 years ago. He lived in upstate NY.  I lived in southern California. We flirted online, and the flirting became sexual.  Just talk, of course. Then it turned into weekly phone sex (sometimes more than just weekly).  Still, it was just talk. What else could we do living at opposite corners of the country?

But I was in love.  We were in love.

Communication was a bit different then than it is now.  Those of you who are under 30 may want to sit down because this is probably going to shock you. We had online chat (at a very, very slow speed...remember 56K?) and telephone calls, and I'm talking about regular land lines.  Cell phones were very uncommon then. They were typically called car phones and ordinary people didn't have them, so there was no texting or going for a walk and calling from around the corner. I did have a pager, though, so he could page me and I could call back or I could get myself to a phone where he could call me. To exchange photos, we had to take actual pictures, have them developed, and send them via snail mail (back then, it was simply known as "mail."). I sent panties.  He sent me CDs that I would listen to for hours on end while I thought about him and how much I wished I could be with him. We read erotica and included it in our fantasies.  He'd send me erotic books with hidden notes.

My husband asked to see my computer once when he was chatting with me and the words "I love you" popped up on the screen as my husband was looking. Yeah, that was a difficult one to explain, but I managed to explain it away (I am Kat, you know). From that point on, we used a sort of shorthand for "I love you."  He selected a particular uncommon vegetable and we would use that word as our shorthand for "I love you." Eventually, we just started using the first letter of that word as our symbol for our profession of  love for one another. No, I'm not going to tell you what the special word was because it's between him and me.  It still means something to me. Yeah, call me sentimental if you want.  Whatever.....

The phone sex was fantastic! He had (and still has) the most amazingly sexy phone voice I have ever heard. It wasn't long before just hearing his voice would get me wet. We had a standing time every week when he would call me.  It was a night when my husband was out each week and I'd be home with my oldest (at that time only) child.  I'd put the baby to bed and then go lie down in bed and wait for his call. I'd take off all my clothes and wait, fighting the urge to touch myself as I thought about him.  Then the phone would ring.  I'd answer and hear, "Hello," and I'd melt.  Every time. The sex came first.  I'd come a few times, he'd come, and then we'd just talk until it was approaching time for my husband to come home.  As soon as I hung up the phone, I'd be looking forward to the next week's call.

Yes, he was married.  He had already been married for a long time.  I had been married for about 6 years. Talking to him was easy. Listening to him talk about his marriage, his work, and his life was even easier.  He understood me.  I didn't keep any secrets from him. and he still loved me knowing even the unpleasant stuff about me. It was remarkable to me because I didn't think anyone could.

His wife was an invalid and was very dependent on him, not just for his income, but for day to day assistance like cooking, cleaning, and helping her in and out of the tub. As the years went by, she became sicker and sicker.  I knew he would never leave her.  He made that very clear, and it was one of the things I admired about him.

I made a plan to take my young son and move to New York.  I thought that I could rent an apartment near where he lived and if I couldn't be his wife, I'd be his mistress. He didn't have any children, and I wanted to give him children. I started investigating apartments and jobs and day care in his area.  I thought about what I could take with me that could fit in two large suitcases because that's all I'd be taking. I starting thinking about how I would tell my mother, my friends, my husband. I started to think about when I should go.

It was the closest I have ever come, before or since, to actually leaving my husband.

I didn't tell my lover about all the plans I was making because I didn't want him to try and talk me out of it. He was sensible and responsible like that and I didn't want to hear it.  I just wanted to be with this person who made me feel like no one had ever made me feel before - and he did it from 3,000 miles away. I was chatting with him recently and I finally told him about my plans back then and he was really surprised.  He never knew how close I came to really being his.

I can't remember exactly what stopped me. I held onto the plans for another year or so and then I let them go. Our relationship had changed to more of a friendship, although we continued to have awesome phone sex whenever I traveled, and I never worked up the courage to take the steps I needed to take to put my plans into motion. I thought about how much I still loved my husband.  What kind of woman leaves a man she still loves? That's crazy, right?  I thought about how wrong it would be to take our son away to the other end of the country.  What kind of mother does that?

So, I stayed on the path I was on, and the other path - the one that included moving to NY and following my heart and desire to be with this amazing man - became the road not taken. While I think about it from time to time, I don't regret the decision to stay.

But our story doesn't end there.  We stayed in touch, on and off, for 17 years. I started seeing W (my first real affair; see My First Affair - Who, What, Where, When, and Why), but that didn't end our relationship.  His wife passed away.  That didn't end our relationship, either. I moved to northern California, had more children, started a business. He retired, traveled around the world, and settled in a nearby state with a girlfriend. None of that has ended the relationship. No, the relationship is not like it was in the beginning.  We've both changed in some substantial ways. Sometimes we stop "talking" for significant periods of time. Sometimes we get frustrated with each other. His political beliefs annoy me now. Mine annoy him. In fact, we are so different that some of my friends have asked me why I'm even friends with that guy after they have followed some of our debates on Facebook.

What they don't know is that he holds a very special place in my heart.

What they don't know is that he is my dear friend and I love him.

Someday we may finally meet in person. Or maybe we won't. It doesn't matter. We share something very special and rare. It's a product of the early days of social media, and it has weathered almost a generation of change.
I have only truly loved 4 men in my life.  My husband is one of them. This online and phone lover that I still have never met in person is another. How do you stop loving someone who has been an important part of your life for so long?

You don't.  At least I don't.

Kat's Big Announcement ...After the Big Surprise and the Big Idea

As you might expect, things continue to move forward with my hubby.  Three weeks ago, he made his big announcement about his own infidelity (see Kat's Big Surprise) and then I presented my idea for an open marriage (see Kat's Big Idea), which wasn't as successful as I had hoped it would be. The good news is that it got us talking, which is how I was able to make my big announcement to hubby.

First, you need a little background. Hubby has forbidden me to have any male friends for years. Of course, he could have as many female friends as he wanted (because they were just friends, you know), but the only way I could have a male friend was if he was openly gay and preferably, in a long term relationship. Even then, hubby was uncomfortable. I won't go into the details of the lengths hubby went to in his efforts to ensure that I had to male friends, but let me assure you that they were extreme.

Then I met DauntlessD on AM. If you've been following the blog for awhile, you know that DauntlessD and I started out as romantic buddies and that the relationship changed course and we ended up becoming very close friends (see Prowling Friendships).  We connect every day via IM and/or text. We get together in person once a week, usually for lunch, to catch up and talk face-to-face. There's pretty much not a secret about me that he doesn't know. I know it's perfectly safe to tell him the truth about anything, and he won't walk away. When my world was falling apart recently and I was having an emotional meltdown, he was the one I reached out to for help.

In short, my relationship with Daunt has become a primary relationship in my life, and I'm closer to him than I am to most of my family.

But it was a secret.

It was a secret because hubby had forbidden me to have any male friends.

A couple of months ago, I came up with a way for hubby and DauntlessD to meet (see DauntlessD Meets Hubby), but it was a very brief meeting, and it didn't really do much to pave the way for our friendship to be ok with hubby.

It was very frustrating - ridiculous, actually. I knew that I should be able to be open about my friends with my husband, but it was just too hard to go there with him without it being a big deal.

Then came hubby's big surprise for me, his rejection of my big idea, and our new commitment to start talking with each other more and sharing more. The day came last week when I decided it was time to tell hubby the truth about Daunt (ok, most of the truth about Daunt...I withheld the truth about how we met and how the relationship started). So, one evening when we were talking and I was sharing some particularly difficult stuff about how I was feeling and coping with things in my life, I told him.

He immediately jumped to assuming it was an affair. I clarified for him that there is no sexual relationship.  It's a friendship.

He called it an emotional affair.  I clarified for him again that it is a friendship. Yes, there is an emotional component, but all close friendships have an emotional component, or they are not close friendships.

Then I took a deep breath and told him that I wasn't going to allow him to pick and choose or approve my friends anymore. I told him that Daunt was a very close friend (and I described more of the nature of the relationship) and that I wasn't going to give up that relationship. I told him that he should thank DauntlessD for helping me through some very difficult times when he (hubby) had been incapable of helping me. Then I told him that I wouldn't be hiding the friendship anymore; if I was texting him in the evening and hubby wanted to know who it was, I'd be telling him the truth.  If hubby wanted to know who I went to lunch with on a particular day, I'd be telling the truth from now on about that, too.

Hubby asked, "I suppose you're saying there's nothing I can do about it, right?"

I replied, "Well, yes, but you can choose to get to know him.  That may make you feel more comfortable, or you can treat him as a rival, even though he is no threat to you or our marriage.  In fact, he is a strong supporter of our marriage and of us working things out.  But it's up to you."

Whew. After nearly 23 years of marriage I finally took back my right to choose my own friends. It felt good at the moment I made the announcement, and it feels good now.

The other night I was slow playing my turn in a game of Words with Friends I was playing with hubby. He asked who else I was playing with.  I said, "I'm playing with Daunt, and I have another game going with his wife.  I'll play my turn in your game next." He said, "Oh," and got quiet in that way that I recognize as sulking.  I let the silence hang there. If that's what he needs to adjust to our "new normal," then he can have all the silence he needs to reflect on things.

After about a minute, I clarified for him, "I just want to play my turn with them first because I know they'll be going to bed soon so our time is limited, but you and I have the rest of our lives to play, don't we?"  And I kissed him. He smiled and leaned over my shoulder looking at my game with Daunt, and he said, "You can play 'FIX' right there."

Yes, we are slowly fixing things, aren't we?