Why I Like to Shop Online

I jumped online yesterday to buy some lingerie. I found a couple of really cute things  and they will be discreetly sent to me at my office within a few days. I love shopping online because I can peruse the selections at my leisure, in the privacy of my office, without the prying eyes of others. When I've made my choices, I can have them sent to my office so my husband never sees my purchase, unless I want him to, of course. 

Also, it's easier for me to be objective about things when I'm shopping online. It's really hard to fall instantly in love with something just from a photo and basic description, so I can make more rational decisions. I can't tell you how many times I've made an impulse buy at a department store  because I fell in love with an outfit on a mannequin only to realize later that maybe it wasn't all that great.

If I don't like something once I've seen it in person, I can send it back before I even try it on. If I try it on and it's not the right fit, I can still send it back. As most women know, sometimes you don't know that something doesn't really fit right when you try it on in a store; sometimes, it's only after you've worn it for a day that you notice that rides up on this side or rubs you the wrong way on the other side. When I've bought it online, I can still easily return it at that point without having to drive to the store and have the sometimes awkward experience of dealing with sales people while returning it. Because I live in a fairly small town, I hate having to worry about the gossip (unfortunately, there is no obligation of discretion for employees of retail establishments). "Did you know that Kat returned a size xyz camisole? Yeah, she exchanged it for a pair of crotchless panties!  Can you believe it? I wonder who she's gonna wear those for?"

Shopping for playmates is very similar.  I much prefer to shop online. I can shop in private, and a man doesn't even know I'm looking unless I decide to tell him. Nobody is watching as we strike up a conversation, as they might be if we had met in person at the mall or the grocery store, so I don't have to worry about someone casually mentioning to my husband that they saw me chatting with another man.

I can be more rational about my choices online.  I don't experience any of the rush of pheromones that I might at a bar or club (who am I kidding? It's more likely to be the sporting goods store or golf course) that causes me to lose my head and feel like I must have a guy, approaching him less than cautiously and making decisions to jump into bed faster than is prudent (that would be right then, because those of you who know anything about me know that I tend to be quick into the sack as a matter of practice. If you're looking for great sex, why wait for three dates and two months of chatting to find out if it's going to be any good?). Those lust driven, in-person, on the spot encounters tend to turn out badly - like finding out a month later that the amazing looking guy with the big dick that you fucked behind the trees off the 8th tee turned out to be your kid's new school principal. Not that anything like that has ever happened to me....ahem....

As I was saying....

Online shopping allows for much more discretion. If I'm not comfortable with an online choice, I can choose to stay anonymous and not meet him. If, however, we decide to meet, then we can select the time and place, picking a place where we are unlikely to be discovered. Once we meet, I can still comfortably walk away (as can he) - no harm, no foul. It's unlikely that emotions are involved or that I have to worry about awkward meetings at Boy Scout council meetings, soccer practice, or school events.

If we do hit it off and decide to go further, we can, but if it's not a fit after that meeting, it's still very easy to step away.

As much as I love the thrill of feeling the sparks fly with someone when you first meet them around town by accident, I prefer the control and discretion of meeting online first. I still get the thrill of the first kiss and the incredible fulfillment of first penetration, but it's much more on my terms.

Yeah, online shopping is definitely the way to go.

The Online Pickup Lines that Don't Work on Women

I have been playing online - on and off - since the early 90's.  Yes, for you youngsters out there, I'm talking about the days of dial up modems (when 56K was like, omg fast!!!), bulletin boards (the old school version of forums), IRC (that's internet relay chat), and 5.25" floppy disks (oh, nevermind). I have heard more than my share of bad online pickup lines over the years. 

So, think of this post as a public service. If you have been using any of these lines, stop immediately! If you have been thinking about any of them,  please go no further.

Of course, there is no way this can be an exhaustive list.  I'm sure there are many other bad pickup lines that are not listed here. Feel free to add them in the comments, or send me a message on Twitter and I'll add them to Bad Online Pick-up Lines, Part 2.

The Worst of the Worst
As the competition online has become pretty intense, you would not believe how many men still try these golden oldies, largely unsuccessfully, I suspect.

• Wanna fuck? (Tell me, what about that line makes you think I would actually want to fuck you?)
• Show me your tits. (Why?)
• a/s/l (Now, I understand that these are vital statistics; however, they are likely in my profile already, which means you can't read or that you are not interested enough even to try.)
• Do you have big tits? (This is a variation on the "Show me your tits" approach, above.  It doesn't work, either).
• I like to eat pussy. (That's nice.  I like pasta.  So what?)
• Married? (Again, this is probably in my profile, so you shouldn't have to ask, certainly not as an opening line.)
• Are you just another whore who thinks she's better than me? (Wow. Yes, I actually experienced this one. What else could I say to this, but "Yes.")
• Do you like big cocks? (Hmmm.....let me think for a minute. Is this a trick question?  Are you asking because you have one or because you don't?)
• Shaved? (Classless. Period.  At least say, "Hi" first.)
• Hi.  (What?  Cat got yer tongue? The response you'll get will be, "Hi."  Then what? Wanna fuck? Please, go practice talking to checkers at the grocery store.  It will help.)
• Say baby, I have a 10" cock that needs polishing.  Need a workout? (This one was offered by my honey, DauntlessD.  Good thing he didn't use it on me - the line I mean, not the gorgeous cock.)

The Kinky

• Nice tits.  Can I take a shit on them? (I put the call out on twitter for bad pickup lines and this one was offered by @1victus.  The problem was that it almost worked me as I had forgotten that I was asking for bad pickup lines. Ha! Just kidding, of course. The deal with these type of lines is that they definitely make a woman stop and think about if for moment because it so kinky, but the initial thought is usually followed by, "Eeewwwww," which is not the response you want.  Trust me on this.)
• Have you been a bad girl? (Ok, I'll admit that this one always makes me smile, and you can use it if you're into S&M, but otherwise stay away from it.)
• Are you kinky? (This is a scary question that will rarely get a straight answer.  Most women wonder what kinky means to you, and if your definition of the word is more extreme than theirs.)
• Are you into golden showers? (I have never, ever met a real woman who would answer "yes" to this question.  I didn't say I don't know women who like them, but admitting that out the gate is another thing entirely.  Also, this question will get you the big "Eeeewwww" and exit from most women. Remember, you don't want that.  Here's a big hint for you kinky boys: Stay totally away from the toileting issues in the first conversation.  Your chances will improve dramatically. Guaranteed.)

Cute, but Corny

• Why don't you come sit in my lap?  We can discuss the first thing that comes up. (This one was offered by twitter friend @mtruth65.  He swears it's all in the delivery, but....no).
• If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? (Another one from @mtruth65. This is cute and corny enough to possibly work in person, with the right delivery and the right person asking, but online?  I don't think so.)
• Are you the woman I'm looking for?  (I don't know.  Who are you looking for?  Is that a pickup line or do you have dementia? A/S/L, please).

As I said, this is not an exhaustive list, but it should help some of you increase your online pickup success rate just by avoiding these lines.

Remember, if you have more to offer, add them to the comments.  I'd love to hear them!

And yes, Online Pickup Lines that Really Work on Women will be coming soon.

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Looking for some romance?  Try First Encounter.

Just looking for a raw sex post?  Try  My Best Sex Ever.