Lobbing the PWK Bomb

Daunt here.  We have a smart bunch of readers so I thought I would solicit some advice and generate a little discussion.

Recently I decided to check out a few of the more popular dating sites.  I created an account using my DauntlessD persona and just tried to be playful.  After week or so and sending out a few messages etc, I generally had the feeling they are all quite similar to Ashley Madison; the ratio of men to women allows women to be pretty choosy.

The whole vibe of the sites began to wear on me and one evening, when I was feeling a bit surly, I received an unsolicited message from a woman.  I responded, attempted a little banter, but my heart wasn't in it.  Then I began to grow irritated with some of her questions.  It was clear she was used to men falling all over themselves and answering any question and providing more photos promptly.  So I did something I wouldn't normally do, I sent her the link to my All DauntlessD page.  In essence I was feeling a little testy and I was saying, here take this and go away.  Then what happened was pretty comical.

Her: That was TMI web site Omg

Me: Well it's me.  Read DauntlessD Exposed.  This is a side of me I won't hide from someone I'm seeing.

Her: Wow

Me: Read The Art that is Woman. It's one of my favorites.

Her: Ok... you're scaring me

And that was that.  I stopped hearing from her.  She officially ran for the hills.

So, here is what I would like you all to chime in on.  Upon meeting a new love interest, when should I share this blog and my writing with them?  I'm very curious to hear your thoughts and especially the difference of opinion between men and women.

Kat Clarification - Fucking is not Dating

I was reading another blog recently that was discussing online dating. Specifically, the author was asking readers how many people they had met online and "dated." This is a pet peeve of mine, Prowlers.

Fucking is not dating. 

Let's discuss the difference.

What is dating? Because I only cite the most reliable sources, here's what Wikipedia has to say about dating:

"Dating is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. While the term has several senses, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple."

If you are connecting with someone at a hotel, getting a room, fucking yourselves silly, and then going back to work (or home), you're not engaging in a social activity in public as a "couple."  In fact, you probably go to some lengths to make it look like you are not arriving or leaving as a couple, right?

And you're probably not checking out each other's suitability as a partner or spouse.  That's what all of that scintillating email and chat was about.  By the time you're in the hotel room, you've already decided that your date fuck buddy is suitable acceptable not too bad, and you're in, so to speak.

As for their suitability as a spouse, if you're prowling you already have a spouse and you're probably looking for playmates who are not suitable to marry because they are already married or they are forbidden in some other way.  For example, bad boy who spends hours every day at the gym because he doesn't have a job and who drives up on a motorcycle might be perfect as a fuck buddy. He's hot (good fuck buddy trait), but he doesn't work (bad husband trait). He rides a motorcycle (potentially good fuck buddy trait - purrrr.....does anything scream "bad boy" better than that?...but wait, that's also a lousy husband trait. Uh....that's no family car....).

But can you date the same person who is also a fuck buddy? I'm glad you asked, grasshopper.  Excellent question.

When I meet a fuck buddy in a hotel, that's not a date.  But when I meet the very same honey out in public for lunch or coffee, it may or may not be a date.  What distinguishes the two?  Simple.  1) Is it in public? 2) Is there a purpose for meeting other than leading up to a roll in the hay? If both answers are yes, it could be a date IF you want it to be.

Let's complicate it further.  Is it a date if you're not fucking  and not planning to and both 1 and 2, above, are "yes?" No, that's meeting a friend. Now I'm wondering how intelligent people people with opposable thumbs can make this so complicated.

Here's an example. When I meet DauntlessD for lunch, it's not a date, either. Yes, it's in public and yes there is a purpose other than getting each other in bed.  Still, I have a heck of a time convincing Hubby that Daunt and I are not dating.  Here's how the last conversation on the topic went with Hubby:

Hubby: So, who pays?  Does he pay for your lunch or do you pay for his?

Kat: We each pay for our own.

Hubby:  So you go dutch?

Kat: You make it sound like a date, but it's not.  When you go out with Fred and you each pay for your own, do you call it "going dutch?"

Hubby:  No, but we're both guys.

Kat:  Oh wait.  He did pay for me once when I won a bet and he had to buy me fish tacos.

Hubby: Oh, so he does pay....

Kat: NO!

Hubby:  Ok, well who decides when you're going out?

Kat:  Whoever's hungriest? (I chuckle.  Hubby doesn't laugh.) It can be either one of us.  It doesn't really matter, and I've never really noticed.

Hubby:  Do you kiss him goodbye after?

Kat: No.

Hubby: Do you hug him?

Kat: Yes.

Hubby:  So you rub up against him.

Kat: Only if I'm really horny. (I laugh.  Hubby doesn't.)  Oh, come on now! I told you we're not dating.  We're not a couple.

Hubby:  What are you then?

Kat: Friends.  Friends having lunch.

Hubby: Huh.

And it's over until the next inquisition.

Here's the really important question - Why does this matter?

Dating comes with all sorts of expectations and societal norms. If someone dates you a couple of times and doesn't want to see you again, you get to deal with the angst of figuring out if there was something wrong with you.  Why did he dump me? Did I say something wrong? Am I not pretty enough, smart enough, good enough?

Since Prowlers are not shopping for spouses, who cares?  Who needs all that?

If you can just understand that fucking is not dating, you can release all of those issues and appreciate it for what it is - a sexual encounter, or a series of sexual encounters. It's pleasure and excitement and danger and fun. It could end tomorrow for any of about a hundred different reasons, but most of those are not worth worrying about.

Now, I don't think there is such a thing as a relationship that has no strings (and I don't consider a one night stand to be a relationship), but there's string, there's twine, there's rope, and there are various types of metal chains. What I'm saying is that those of us in the relationship should get to decide what it means and how much attachment there is, not an arbitrary standard associated with "dating."

So, are we clear?

Fucking is not dating.....

.....unless you fall in love.

Then it becomes something else entirely.

Why I Like to Shop Online

I jumped online yesterday to buy some lingerie. I found a couple of really cute things  and they will be discreetly sent to me at my office within a few days. I love shopping online because I can peruse the selections at my leisure, in the privacy of my office, without the prying eyes of others. When I've made my choices, I can have them sent to my office so my husband never sees my purchase, unless I want him to, of course. 

Also, it's easier for me to be objective about things when I'm shopping online. It's really hard to fall instantly in love with something just from a photo and basic description, so I can make more rational decisions. I can't tell you how many times I've made an impulse buy at a department store  because I fell in love with an outfit on a mannequin only to realize later that maybe it wasn't all that great.

If I don't like something once I've seen it in person, I can send it back before I even try it on. If I try it on and it's not the right fit, I can still send it back. As most women know, sometimes you don't know that something doesn't really fit right when you try it on in a store; sometimes, it's only after you've worn it for a day that you notice that rides up on this side or rubs you the wrong way on the other side. When I've bought it online, I can still easily return it at that point without having to drive to the store and have the sometimes awkward experience of dealing with sales people while returning it. Because I live in a fairly small town, I hate having to worry about the gossip (unfortunately, there is no obligation of discretion for employees of retail establishments). "Did you know that Kat returned a size xyz camisole? Yeah, she exchanged it for a pair of crotchless panties!  Can you believe it? I wonder who she's gonna wear those for?"

Shopping for playmates is very similar.  I much prefer to shop online. I can shop in private, and a man doesn't even know I'm looking unless I decide to tell him. Nobody is watching as we strike up a conversation, as they might be if we had met in person at the mall or the grocery store, so I don't have to worry about someone casually mentioning to my husband that they saw me chatting with another man.

I can be more rational about my choices online.  I don't experience any of the rush of pheromones that I might at a bar or club (who am I kidding? It's more likely to be the sporting goods store or golf course) that causes me to lose my head and feel like I must have a guy, approaching him less than cautiously and making decisions to jump into bed faster than is prudent (that would be right then, because those of you who know anything about me know that I tend to be quick into the sack as a matter of practice. If you're looking for great sex, why wait for three dates and two months of chatting to find out if it's going to be any good?). Those lust driven, in-person, on the spot encounters tend to turn out badly - like finding out a month later that the amazing looking guy with the big dick that you fucked behind the trees off the 8th tee turned out to be your kid's new school principal. Not that anything like that has ever happened to me....ahem....

As I was saying....

Online shopping allows for much more discretion. If I'm not comfortable with an online choice, I can choose to stay anonymous and not meet him. If, however, we decide to meet, then we can select the time and place, picking a place where we are unlikely to be discovered. Once we meet, I can still comfortably walk away (as can he) - no harm, no foul. It's unlikely that emotions are involved or that I have to worry about awkward meetings at Boy Scout council meetings, soccer practice, or school events.

If we do hit it off and decide to go further, we can, but if it's not a fit after that meeting, it's still very easy to step away.

As much as I love the thrill of feeling the sparks fly with someone when you first meet them around town by accident, I prefer the control and discretion of meeting online first. I still get the thrill of the first kiss and the incredible fulfillment of first penetration, but it's much more on my terms.

Yeah, online shopping is definitely the way to go.