Kat's Counseling Update: Session #2 (Serious Stuff)

If any of your were wondering if I went back after my first counseling session, wonder no more.  I did. I was more comfortable than I was the first time, now that she knows the secret about my double life. I decided that I wouldn't bring up the blog or AM again unless she asked, and she didn't ask this session. She had more questions about DauntlessD and JJ and "others," but nothing I couldn't easily handle and nothing too probing.

That session, though, was all about my childhood and growing up years - Not my choice, I can assure you that.

I considered skipping this update because I'm really not interested in sharing my life details with the world, and there are many things about my younger years that would make me immediately identifiable to anyone who knows me in the real world, but a promise is a promise.

First, let me say that I cringe at the phrase "younger years." It implies that I'm now in my "older years," and while the same can be said for anyone living, I suppose, I resent the implication. These are great years!  In spite of the issues I have at home, they sure do beat my "younger years."

Anyway, back to the session......

I went back though my childhood and young adult years answering her questions as best I could. Parents?  Deceased. Was I close to my parents?  To my mother, yes.  To my father, no. Siblings?  Alive and distant. Children?  All but one still living (and, no, I won't talk about it). Abuse as a child?  Yes.  Sexual abuse?  Yes.

Let's stop here for a minute. The number of women I know who were sexually abused as girls or teens is very high. It's much more common, I believe, than most people want to admit.  So, if you are one of those out there who is still holding on to that secret, do yourself a favor and let it go.  Find a counselor and talk about it and let that burden lift a bit, ok? By the way, the same goes for men who were sexually abused.  The stigma of talking about it feels much worse for you guys, which makes it even more important that you say something to someone. You are not alone.  You really aren't.

I was hoping that maybe she would be ok with not knowing the details, but I knew that was unreasonable.  I was prepared when I walked in that day to have to re-live a bit of the non-fun stuff from my younger years, but that didn't make it much better.

(For those of you hoping that this would be an amusing post, I apologize.  As much as I thought about it and tried, I simply couldn't find a way to make child molestation funny. It's just not.)

The counselor made an interesting segue from keeping secrets in childhood to keeping secrets now. Ah, now that would have been an interesting revelation if I weren't already aware of the connection.

She wanted to know what secrets I keep from hubby. "Let's make a list," she said. It didn't look like she had enough paper, but I was willing to go with it. I started with the obvious - JJ, "others," the blog, lots of details around my prowling. The list continued until I finally thought we had exhausted all the secrets.

Then she dropped the bomb. "You know, Kat, when you start couples therapy in a few weeks, you're going to have to give up your secrets.  We have a 'no secrets' policy here for couples therapy.  It will be completely ineffective unless you both are willing to give up your secrets to each other."

Seriously?

Here's the issue I have with her 'no secrets' policy - Who says that having absolutely *no* secrets from your spouse is the recipe for a happy marriage? Ok, I'll concede that the infidelity thing may not fit into this category and I'll also concede that I ahve more secrets from him than I should, but I am pretty certain that all couples in long term marriages have some secrets from each other.  They may be small things (how much she really spent on that sofa, how many times last week he stopped for a beer with the guys after work, and the fact that one of the "guys" was really that secretary from accounting), but full disclosure of every single detail was not in the vows.

Ladies, how many of your husbands know your exact weight? Some will, some won't.  Does that mean that those who do not disclose that are "secret keepers?"  Oh please.

And guys, does your wife know you're reading this blog right now?  Does she know how much you enjoy Cara's photos?  Right.  I didn't think so.

I don't believe that we give up all rights to own lives and our own private thoughts when we marry. And having our own lives and private thoughts doesn't mean the marriage is in trouble. In fact, one of the secrets to a successful long term marriage is giving your partner a little bit of space to be him/herself.

Okay, that's enough of the heavy stuff for now. So, what are your thoughts on secret keeping within a marriage?

10 Secrets about Kat

As you might imagine, there are many things about my life, even my prowling life, that I choose not to publish here.  But every now and then it can be fun to give you a little peek behind the silk curtain, so here are 10 secrets that few people know about me:

1. I don't own a pair of white panties or a white bra. White underwear is for little girls, old women, nuns, and Mormons. 

2. My first encounter from AM was with a man traveling on business. It was a wonderful and very satisfying one night stand. No, I don't remember his name. Does it matter?

3. I do not publish the details of every sexual encounter. Some experiences are just too special to be shared. Others are not special enough.

4. Not all of my encounters with men from AM have been positive (although most have been great!).  One was pretty creepy. Another became violent. And I've had to deal with flakes like just about everyone else. I am very grateful not to be out "on the open market" anymore. It's scary out there.

5. One of my fantasies is to have wild, outdoor sex with a biker guy. Oh, I've had sex with men who have bikes. In fact, DauntlessD looks pretty hot in leather. But I'm talking about a Jax from Sons of Anarchy bad boy type. 

6.  In spite of my biker fantasy, my real preference is for wickedly smart nerd types. They can carry on a decent conversation and they are wild in bed. 

7. In recent years I have become acutely aware of how quickly time passes, and that has spurred me to focus on "sucking the marrow out of life," so to speak.  ;-)

8. Even though I've prowled around quite a bit over the years, I've only been truly in love with 4 men in my entire life. 

9. There is a man in my life today with whom I would run away right now if he asked, but I know he won't, and that's ok.

10. I really want to get my nipples pierced and get a tattoo, but my husband would be very angry if I did, so I don't.

Did I surprise you with anything or did all of these sound like the Kat you have come to know and love?

Secrets About DauntlessD

DauntlessD went away on a weekend fishing trip with the guys and he wouldn't let me come along. Apparently, having a penis is a pre-requisite for a fishing trip. So, in retaliation, I'm posting some of his secrets. He has no cell access and very limited internet access where he is, so he won't be able to do anything about it until he's back next week. Even if he takes this post down as soon as he's back in town, the dirt will still be out there for several days.

The moral of the story? Be nice to this pussy Kat or you'll pay. ;-)

Secret #1: As a young teen, Dauntless used to masturbate while watching videos of the Solid Gold Dancers. Yes, he shared this in his recent TMI post, but I wanted to repeat it just in case anyone missed it.

Secret #2: He's an insufferably nice guy. Seriously. Nice. Too nice.

Secret #3: He calls his boxers, "Man Panties."

Secret #4: He also authors a political blog (sorry, I can't tell you which one, but it's quite good).

Yeah, I know. I'm still laughing at Secret #3, too. LOL.

Secret #5: He acts all cool and suave around here, but he's really a geek (computer geek, gadget geek, etc.). Oh, he's a hot looking geek, but a geek nonetheless.

Secret #6: Dauntless has three AM profiles - the nice guy, the bad boy, and the kinky Master. Yes, he's all three of those in real life, too, but the nice guy is the front man most of the time. But when that bad boy shows up....mmmm.

Ok, I'll stop there. I've saved the most embarrassing secrets for another day. I can't use up all my ammunition at once, can I? ;-)

When Worlds Collide

As you might have guessed, my real name isn't Kat and most of the people in my real life don't know anything about this blog or my prowling ways.  In fact, I'm quite the picture of respectability - business owner, soccer mom, churchgoer, pillar of the community. I contribute to bake sales, I chaperon school field trips, and I work a board room better than most. To paraphrase a famous song - I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let my husband forget who's the man.

I think I'm pretty good at keeping my worlds separate, but every now and then the boundaries get a bit muddled.  I have one very good friend from my prowling world who has crossed over to be a true friend in my real life. And I have a friend from my respectable life who knows all about Kat and my adventures (well, not all of my adventures, but many; some secrets are shared with no one...ever). These two wonderful people provide just enough connection between my two worlds to keep me from feeling schizophrenic.

But every now and then, someone in my respectable world comes dangerously close to my prowling world, and I have to make a decision. Quickly deflect, change the subject, and hope they missed it? Or trust them and let them in on my secret? Well, that second option is just stupid, since I want to stay married, so I always default to the first choice and I start talking around the issues until we're talking about sports or the new line of Coach purses.

The real problem comes up, though, when there is someone in my respectable life who I want to pull into my prowling world. It happened to me today. I was having an impromptu lunch with a man I have known and loved as a friend for years. In fact, he was a friend of my husband's before he was my friend.  Yes, I can see the flashing red lights and sirens telling me to step away from the danger zone, but this man draws me to that danger zone. Now, I just said I love him as a friend, and that's the truth. Have I ever thought about more than that?  Heck yeah!  But all of the rules of respectability say not to go there...and he's made it clear in the past that he's not interested. Doesn't get much clearer than that, right?

Today, though, I was tempted to just tell him about my prowling secret, but I didn't, of course.   Then, later on, he was using my phone to check his email and my Kat email came up instead.  Ack! So, I told him quickly about the blog. No details. No URL.  Just the name, and that it's a sex blog, and then the subject change. It was a clumsy combination of the two options above - not a full deflection, but not full trust or disclosure, either.

It's official.  I'm an idiot. 

What good does it do me to expend all the energy I have for years to keep my two worlds separate if I'm just going to blow it by saying too much to one off-limits guy I've had a crush on for years? And when I say "saying too much," I'm talking about showing a glimpse of my prowling world through the lens of the blog.  The identity of my honey-on-the-side would never be revealed, along with a bunch of other secrets.  I'm actually a very good secret-keeper.

Also, don't get me wrong, I really do cherish this guy's friendship. He's easy to talk to and we can really relate to each other on many levels (I'm talking about all the respectable levels. Get your minds out of the gutter, Prowlers.). Unfortunately, we can't really pursue our friendship as we would have liked because, well, that just wouldn't be proper.

Not only is he off-limits, but I'm very happy (very, very happy in fact) with my current honey-on-the-side.  He gives me exactly what I'm looking for and more.

Remembering that gives me added incentive to keep the two worlds separate so I can continue to enjoy him for a long, long time.