What'll Keep Me Out of Heaven

It's rare that I hear a song that really touches me and resonates like this one does. Brandy Clark's "What'll Keep Me Out of Heaven" got my attention. It captures the ambivalence I've felt about prowling. It's wrong, but it feels right. It's forbidden, but it lets us access parts of ourselves that have been locked away for a long time. What'll keep me out of heaven will take me there tonight....

What are your thoughts?

What'll Keep Me Out of Heaven

I know I shouldn't be here tonight
I hardly know this man
It's been a long time since I felt as pretty, as he tells me I am
I've met him at a coffee shop and I've met him in the park
But I've never been alone with him in this dress after dark

There's so many shades of grey but this is black and white
He's some stranger's husband and I'm some stranger's wife
Ten floors up he's waiting with champagne and candle light
What'll keep me out of heaven will take me there tonight

The arrow's on the second floor
The bell's about to ring
And I have to turn away right now
Or walk into this thing
If I step into that elevator, there ain't no turning around
And I don't know what scares me most- the ride up or the ride down

There's so many shades of grey but this is black and white
He's some stranger's husband and I'm some stranger's wife
Ten floors up he's waiting with champagne and candle light
What'll keep me out of heaven will take me there tonight

Ten floors up he's waiting with champagne and candle light
What'll keep me out of heaven will take me there tonight

Let's Cut Mrs. Patraeus Some Slack

I know you've been waiting for my thoughts on the Patraeus scandal.  I've been meaning to write about it, but the story keeps changing and more dirt keeps surfacing. It's a sex blogger's dream.

So, yes, I'll be sharing thoughts about it in several posts to come, but I wanted to comment now on how the blogosphere is treating Mrs. Patraeus.

I've read everything from rating her a "1" compared to the Broadwell being rated a "10" to many commentaries arguing that her husband wouldn't have cheated if she were better looking or more in shape or hotter or gave better head or....or.....or....

Bullshit.

The romance started when Patraeus was in Afghanistan.  He was away from his wife for a long time.  She could have been Jennifer Lopez and it wouldn't have mattered.  She wasn't there, through no fault of her own.

Then he was back in the country, but the relationship with Broadwell was already established by then. Mrs. Patraeus didn't have at chance at that point.

Other things to remember:

Mrs. Patraeus was in her late 50's when the affair started and Broadwell was in her late 30's. The Patraeus' had been married for over 30 years. Mrs. Patraeus could have been Ann Margaret and it wouldn't have mattered. There's no way she could compete with fresh, young pussy.  Period.

*********

A little sidebar here.  Most of you know that my Hubby did a fair share of cheating over a recent five year period.  My Hubby adores me. We get along very well. We're good friends. Yeah, I could be in better shape, but sex is not bad between us.  Sometimes it's downright amazing. He loves it. I'm the one who gets bored.  I give the world's best blow job. I don't deny him anything he wants to try in bed. Nothing. But he's a man, and he has a penchant for 18-25 year old women. I'm 48. There is absolutely nothing I can do to compete with new, young pussy - at least in the sexual arena. I can't be what I am not. I can be a lot of wonderful and sexually satisfying things, but I'm not 20 anymore. Is that my fault? Of course not. Is it his fault that he's attracted to that?  No. That's how men are made. Does it mean he doesn't love me? No.

Ok, back to the story.....

*********

Then there's the ego stroking. Holly has known her husband for almost 4 decades. She knows just about everything there is to know about his habits, character, strengths and weaknesses. Paula, on the other hand, was just discovering him and telling him how wonderful he was. That would be almost irresistible to most men in his situation, but then add to that the flattery of being attractive to and desired by such an attractive younger woman.

Add all of this to the fact that men are biologically predisposed to cheat and there's no way you can blame this on his wife. You know that I don't believe there is ever a truly innocent party in an affair.  A marriage rarely splinters unless there is something missing that both parties in the marriage have some power to change, but even given that, we should remember that the odds of a man being 100% sexually faithfully over the life of a long term marriage are very slim.

You can argue about whether it's right or wrong, but you can't eliminate the reality that a majority of married men cheat at some point in their marriage.

David Patraeus did what men do. He fell for the charms of an attractive younger woman who made him feel like a god - both in bed and out of bed.  He made that choice. I'm sure he enjoyed it for most of the affair. If he hadn't enjoyed it, he wouldn't have kept doing it.

Back to his wife....My heart aches for her. She has, by all accounts, been a good and faithful wife for over 35 years. It's true that men have a tendency to cheat, but it's rare that it becomes international news and, literally "everyone knows about it."  She has to put her marriage (and her self-esteem) back together in the midst of an unbelievable level of media attention and jerks who think they are being funny by poking fun at her appearance and implying (or saying directly) that she is responsible for the affair because she somehow wasn't good enough to keep her husband faithful. It's just wrong.

David Patraeus was and is 100% responsible for where he puts his dick.

Let's cut Mrs. Patraeus some slack.

The Lingering Trauma of Prowling

By Somewhere Man

The picture taunts me at work. Every day. The beautiful woman that I fell in love with last year is still in my life. Only she isn't. This woman, whom I wrote and wrote about amid the heartache and heartbreak of last fall, now has a prominent spot in my office. Her image is now in a framed photo next to my closest colleague, a man a whole whopping 26 years older than I am. He's old but not to old to be fucking her. But he has a ton of money and, now that her divorce is final, she is single.

Just like the old man.

Because we work together, I see his endless photos as he flies her to California and Florida. The old man looks pretty damn happy and he should be. He's tapping an unspeakably beautiful woman.

Last night, I was at a going away party for a mutual colleague. Old Man and Blonde Hottie are at a side table of this upscale bar. She sits on his aged lap, arms around him, kisses him deep and then she opens her eyes and makes eye contact with me and smiles.

Ouch.

Many days I walk past the framed picture of the smokin' hot, blonde and suddenly-single cougar and think, "damn, how did I lose her to a frail old man with a bad back?". Yet, more and more, I think: "damn, I really dodged a bullet with that crazy whore." Especially as, in the two years since I crossed a line and became a prowler, I have seen it blow up in far too many peoples' faces.

***

Let's see. I've seen hilarious and popular prowling blogs lead to people (men and women) being "outed" and their unaware spouses finding out. I've seen people get busted through Facebook flirting and messaging. Some of these marriages ended in divorce. Some didn't.

I've been lucky. A recent "outing scare" over the winter sent me off-line for good.

So much of writing a blog about this was to show off. To, somehow, validate that a middle-aged guy like me could still score a parade of gorgeous women even as I could not get indifferent and increasingly unattractive wife to even do anything to or with me in bed.

For the last two years, I have found myself in the embrace of a bevy of beauties. Thin waifs who needed to eat a steak. Curvy women fretting over love handles. Women from different ethnic backgrounds but all women who simply wanted what they were missing. The closeness. The feeling of desire.

Now I just wonder how empty it all was... and still is.

It's just been a game.

Yet it was a game that I had freakin' mastered. As a guy on AM, I had hit a point where 90% of the messages I would send out would be answered. If I was able to talk my way into a "face-to-face", I would usually get my desires filled fairly quickly. As I look back on the actual totals, I met with a total of 9 women from AM. That equaled 7 BJs or intercourse, 1 woman who didn't want me and 1 woman I backed away from. It was not because of my dashing and debonair nature.

I would argue it was because I found "the system" to make it work. In fact, by the end of all this, I had become so proficient in "the system" that I had to even make it appear so non-rehearsed and smooth.

I was joking with Kat recently as I was in a bookstore and came across a book in the "Relationships" section that was a 200-page book about picking up women. 200 pages? I can sum it all up in the rest of this post.

For AM Pickups: I will start here as this is now a very common way to hook up. I cannot stress enough how easy it really is here, especially if you live in a major metro area. I live in a mid-size city which means I have to be extremely careful on who I meet or how much I reveal right away. Yet, AM women are "already on second base". At least the ones that are not those "autobots", out to take away all of your credits.

Target Precisely. Avoid the temptation to buy 100 credits and then message 15 women at once. Allow yourself a maximum of 4 messages a week. That's it. When you have an 80-90% response rate (as I do), 4 is the maximum that I can juggle at one time. Decide which 4 "contestants" will be here for this week. Write on a Saturday or a Sunday and see where it goes.

An Authentic Note Helps. This I also cannot stress enough. I'll offer my standard opening line for you guys: "Amid the 577 men who are probably chasing you, I hope you can take the time to learn a little more about me...." And I am off and running. It's a balance of revealing a little more about yourself (but not too much). Ask her three questions about herself. Mine are easy: Why are you here? What do you crave? What drives you crazy? They almost always respond.

No Talk About Sex Until She Talks About Sex. I am 99.44% certain that Kat has covered this. Far too many men send cock shots or talk about how they like to pump from behind with a finger in her ass. Don't do it...even though we are all here for it.

Once you're on the second message from her, then it is time to move her to an email address. Then, after a few days of emailing, move her to Google Voice.

For Non-AM Pickups: Damn, these are tricky. The woman I fell in love with was a "non-AM pickup". Those are nerve-racking, especially as I refuse to ever get involved with anyone in my workplace. I had one of these non-AM pickup situations this week. I'm at a big-box hardware store and the woman who helped me pick out my paint was stunning. Tall, thin, 40ish, black hair, full eyes, great smile. As I leave, I notice she has the wedding ring (perfect as I do not pursue single women), she tells me that she has five kids.

Me: "I hope that you have someone in your life who tells you that you have a superb smile."

Her (shocked): "Wow... actually, I don't. He never tells me. We're in counseling."

Me: "Well (as I scribble), here is my number in case you'd ever like a man to tell you that you have a great smile."

She texted me five minutes later, agreeing to meet me for coffee the next day.

Yet, with the non-AM pickup, it is like an operating room patient that took a bullet to the chest. "The next 24 hours will be critical". A "straight pickup" will probably be filled with doubts and even guilt that she is considering a date. Mrs. Hot Raven-Haired Lady texted me the next day that she was full of guilt and only wanted to be friends. I wrote that I understood and hoped that she kept smiling.

Perhaps she will be back. Perhaps not.

Something, something about the chase.

The First Face-To-Face/Coffee Date: The most important logistic. Do not meet within five miles of either of your houses. It's not a spouse I'm worried about seeing. It's her little friends. It's a coworker. That's what worries me. I always pick a place away from my side of town and, often, at a non-peak hour. That means a coffeehouse at 10 am, 3 pm or 7 pm.

- Smile and Have Her Drink Ready. Find out if she loves mango smoothies and have it ready to go. This also allieviates the issue of standing in a slow-moving coffeehouse line with a woman who is not your wife.

- Have a Plan For The "Hour". Mine is always the same. Let her talk about her day for five minutes to blow off some steam. Answer any questions she has. I delve into one of my three "stock stories" from my past that are hilarious, detailed and self-deprecating. The woman always laughs at the end. Then we transition into what it is what we're doing here, on the edge of an affair.

About 50% of the time, it ends with me trying to walk her to her car. In those situations, I don't lean in for the kiss unless I see that she wants it badly. The other 50% of the time, especially if she has an SUV or a minivan with tented windows and if the date is going well, I recommend that we go sit in her ride. Middle row. In that situation, you'll have her reaching for your belt buckle within 15 minutes. Guaranteed.

Why write all of this? Ego, perhaps. But also because I've found "the system" that works for me. I am a decent looking guy but also one who is curious and listens to what a woman has to say. It's the balance between "alpha" and "beta". I always arrive with a plan (alpha) but I do listen and try and make her feel more comfortable (beta).

I also write this because, for all of the success I've had in tasting this delicious flesh, I also know how badly it can hurt as well. The image of a woman I wanted to be "the love of my life" taunts me in the office every day. I see her kissing that old man and I can't do anything about it. It hurts.

This is a dangerous game we all play.

Be careful.

Why I Cheat

If you've been reading this blog for more than a week, you know that I love my husband.  I love him very much. He's an important part of my life, and I will never leave him.  Never.

But our sex life is....I don't even know the right words to describe it.  There have been periods over the last 25 years when we have gone over a year without sex. There have been many periods when the dry spell lasted months or weeks. Last summer/fall we tried to revitalize our sex life and it got really good and frequent for about three months, then it slowly started limping back to the routine.

Most, although not all, of his desire for sex is gone these days.  We have sex primarily because he wants to keep me from leaving him. So I get "serviced" a few times a week. I know some of you guys out there know exactly what I'm talking about. It's passionless.  Sometimes it's loving, which is nice, but usually it's just routine.  I feel like I'm one of his household chores and, to be honest, that feeling breaks my heart. It makes me feel like less of a wife, less of a woman.

I'll try different positions, role playing, reading erotica to him, whatever.  It may work for a night, but the routine creeps back overnight.

Have we talked about it?  Ad nauseum. But the bottom line is that I can't make him want sex.  I can't make him want sex with me. Still, I know he's trying.  What he would rather do is just not deal with it, pretend there is no problem and go to sleep, but I won't let him. Correction.  I would gladly let him do that, but he's haunted by the fear that I'll fall in love with a fuck buddy and leave him - which will never happen - but I completely understand the fear.  So, we both keep trying.

Have we tried counseling? Yup.  We're still going, and the sessions go in circles sometimes. We'll keep going mainly because it demonstrates to him that I'm committed to our relationship. I don't expect it to solve much, but it has helped to some degree.  At least we can talk about it now, and that sure beats the uncomfortable silence about sexual issues we've lived with for the last decade or so.

When you reach this point in a long term marriage, it's no one's fault. It's painful for both of us. And we know that the odds are that it will get worse, not better. His interest in sex, in general, is going to continue to decline and mine is showing no signs of slowing down.  In fact, it's increasing. He gets to live with he pain of not be able to fully satisfy his wife's sexual needs, and I get to live with the pain of knowing that I won't be able to have a satisfying sexual relationship with the man I love - for the rest of my life (or his). Remaining sexually faithful means that I accept that I will probably never have passionate, hot sex again with a man who really wants me. Ouch. This was something we never considered when we got married with a nearly 20 year age difference between us.

To those who find fault with my decision and the decision of others like me, I say, walk in my shoes for awhile before you judge. Better yet, spend some time in my bed. ;-)

To give you an idea of what I'm talking about, here's how sex with Hubby went last night....along with the thoughts that flashed through my head (in italics)....

We went to bed a little later than normal because our youngest kept bouncing up out of bed. Those of you with kids know how that is.  Once he was finally asleep, we settled in. Hubby scooched over to my side of the bed and started kissing me while his hand slid up to one of my boobs. His kisses were nice, deep, wet kisses. Mmmm. I knew he didn't really want sex, but it had been a few days so it was time to "service" me. Great.

Why doesn't he ever kiss me like that when he doesn't want sex? And I'll bet this lasts for a total of 60 seconds, just long enough for him to check the "foreplay" box on his checklist.  At least he's trying...and when he does kiss me, he's a pretty good kisser. It has been about a minute, now it's time for his hand to move down....

Hubby's hand moved down to my pussy.  I spread my legs open a little and he slid a finger between my lips.

Ahhhh....now yer talkin'.

Hubby asked, "Do you want to play with Spartacus?"

Let me think for a minute...YES! That's like asking me, "Honey, do you want to cum?"

"Sure," I replied.  "That would be nice." I reached into the drawer next to me and pulled out Spartacus and handed it to him.

As I handed Hubby the toy, he sighed.

What the fuck was that?  A sigh?  Is this too much trouble for you? You know, I can do this by myself. Or I can do this with someone else.

I asked, "Is there a problem?" He sighed again. "No, no.  It's ok."  "What's ok?" I asked. "Nothing," he answered."Do we need any lube?" I put his hand back on my wet pussy again, and asked, "What do you think?" He smiled and turned Spartacus on.

He started rubbing the vibrator on my clit, and I started moaning immediately.

Nice.  Very nice.

Then he started sucking on one of my nipples and moving the vibe around.

What's he doing?

I took his hand and moved it back to my clit again and told him to just hold it there, don't move.  I'll move. I started rocking my hips forward and back, moving against the vibe. Dang, that felt good. As he sucked on my nipple, I got close to coming quickly, pumping my hips a little faster.

Suddenly, the vibe moved out of position.

Uuugghhhhh.  I was so close!  What the heck happened?


I reached down to move his hand back into position.  That's when I realized it.

No fucking way!


He had fallen asleep.

Now what?  Do I wake him up?  Do I just finish myself?  Do we talk about it? Do I tell him how I insignificant and unattractive I feel because he can't even stay awake during sex that he initiated? Do I just let it go?


It took everything in me to keep from crying, but that would just make it worse. I took Spartacus out of his hand and turned it off.  That jarred him awake.  He kissed me. He said sleepily, "Wanna suck on my cock for a while?"

Are you kidding me????

"Sure, " I replied.

He got up on his knees in the bed and I leaned over on my elbow and started sucking him. I know how to make him cum quickly, so that's the mode I went into.  It was clear he was enjoying it.

Oh?  You're awake now?  How nice.

Before he came, I stopped and told him I wanted him to fuck me, hoping that maybe I'd get to come that way. He sighed....again.

What's with the sighs?

He paused a long time before he answered, but I had already moved into position when he finally said, "Okay." He entered me from behind, which felt fantastic and he fucked me nice and hard.  In about 60-90 seconds, just when it started to feel really good for me and I was actually thinking I might get to come, he was done.

As he cleaned up, he said, "That was great, Honey! Thanks!  Did you enjoy it, too?" I pretended I didn't hear and shuffled off to the bathroom to clean up.

In a few minutes, the lights were off and we were in bed again.  "I love you, Kat," Hubby said. I replied, "I love you, too, Hubby." And I meant it.

So, I have another 2-3 days before the next round of unsatisfying sexual humiliation at my house. It turns out that that is just the amount of time I need to forget how sad and hurt I am and to start feeling better about myself. Then it will happen again, or some variation of it.

Some of you understand. Some of you don't. Some of you judge me harshly.

For those of you who get it, you're not alone. For those of you who don't, I pray that you never have to live with a situation like this for so long that you come to understand it.  For your sake, I hope you never get it.

But this is why I cheat.

The Care and Feeding of a Mistress

Most men would say that they know how to keep their mistress happy.  The only thing your mistress needs to be happy is regular access to your hot body and the amazing sex you generously bestow upon her. Right?

Well, maybe not so much. If you're talking about a short term (I define short term as two  months or less) fuck buddy relationship, that might be enough to keep her happy for awhile. I would think you would also need to spring for some hotel rooms and a nice meal every now and then, but maybe not.

If you want a long term relationship with your mistress, though, it's going to take more to keep her happy.  Women need some attention and any relationship needs a little bit of nurturing if it's going to last more than a couple of hours.

I've put together a few things that you may want to consider if you want to keep your mistress (married or not) in your bed rather than someone else's.

1. Be generous with genuine compliments. If she looks nice, tell her so.  If you enjoy her company, tell her so.  If she sucks your cock better than anyone you ever known, tell her that, too. Men tend to forget about his simple courtesy after they have known a woman for a while.  They assume that "she already knows I think that." Maybe she does, but she also needs and wants to hear it. If your mistress is married, she probably feels unappreciated at home and if she doesn't feel genuinely appreciated with you, she won't stay long. And let me be clear, I'm not talking about making things up.  Focus on what you like about her, and tell her.

2. Be generous in bed. It's easy to be generous in bed when you're trying to impress her, but what about several months into the relationship?  Do you fall back into a routine that makes sex more about you than about her?  Ok, I know that, from your perspective, it is all about you, but you know what I mean. Mix it up, keep it new and fresh. Remember, if she's married, she has boring sex at home.  Why would she risk her marriage for boring, unfulfilling sex with you?

3. Be generous with your communication. Let's say that you are planning to meet for some naughty fun next week.  Unless you and she have agreed to a radio silence policy, she should hear from you a few times between now and then using whatever communication channels you have agreed on. It doesn't have to be much, but let her know that you are thinking about her and care about her. If you don't communicate at all between meetings (except to set up the time, date, and location of the next meeting) she will eventually decide that you're not interested in her at all. Maybe you're not, but be prepared to lose her if you won't communicate.  I've cancelled more than one meet-up because of a lack of communication in-between meetings. I didn't make a big deal about it.  I didn't whine about communication ("Why didn't you call me or text me?"). I just became unavailable. Get it?

4. Be generous with simple gifts. This is a difficult area.  If she is married, it's unlikely that she can keep any of the standard gift items you might think of, like cards or flowers or jewelry.  And I wouldn't advocate spending much on her anyway.  Think about simple gifts, things that she can keep.  For example, I've got a thing about cute post-it notes. I could receive a little pad of cute post-it notes and keep them, without anyone thinking anything of it. Be creative. If she likes to read, books are a good idea. Remember, the gift itself is not the point.  The point is that you thought about her and went out of your way a bit to make her smile. The odds are good that her hubby is not thinking of her very much in those sweet little ways, so you will keep her attention if you do.

Let me share a little story with you. It's about a holiday and how it went down with me.  I won't tell you what holiday it was, but it was a traditional gift giving holiday. Unfortunately, I didn't get a gift from my husband. I didn't get a gift from my lover, either.  Ouch.  Not only that, but I got to listen to him talk about what a wonderful gift he got for his wife.  Don't get me wrong.  I was very pleased that he did something really nice for his wife.  She deserved that. And it wasn't about a gift at all. It was about being forgotten and taken for granted. Heck, lots women who have been married for a long time are forgotten by their husbands on "special" days. To be honest, I expected my husband to let the day go by without any recognition. But unlike most women, I got to experience the feeling of being forgotten by two men.

It sounds silly and petty, doesn't it?  I know it does, but what matters is how it feels. How much do you think I felt like going out of my way for either of those men? Exactly.

If you want her to keep you happy, you have to keep her happy.  It's a simple formula. If you make her feel wanted, she'll make you feel good. If you neglect her, she'll go away. It doesn't get much simpler than that.

Is Compromise Possible?

I know that people make many compromises in a marriage. It's how you get along with someone else and how you can manage to live together happily for decades.  Of course, there are some things on which people can't or won't compromise.  We all have those issues. Sometimes they change as we grow and age and sometimes they don't.

I find myself in a situation with Hubby where compromise may not be possible.

First, let me say that we have agreed that we are staying together no matter what. Divorce is not an option. We love each other, and our children, and we are committed to making the marriage work.  We get along very well.  We enjoy each other's company. Our relationship is very good, except for this pesky sex issue.

He wants us to re-commit to only having sex with each other.  Even though we both have done our share of straying outside the marriage for sex recently, he wants that to stop now.

I want to continue to have the freedom to have sex outside the marriage.  I'm totally fine with him having sex with other women if that's what he would like to do. If not, I'm okay with that, too. But I want it all to be out in the open.  No more lying.

This is kind of where things are at right now, but not because we have agreed.  It's kind of the default situation until we reach agreement. I'll admit though, that I have cut way back on my prowling out of respect for him until we reach agreement, and when he asks about it, I tell the truth.

I guess it sort of feels like a compromise to me because I'm doing much less prowling than I'd like.  Of course, Hubby doesn't see it that way. To him, screwing JJ once a month or once a week is all the same.

We're in the negotiation stage now.  We have been here for a while, but our positions haven't been as clearly defined as they are now.

Is compromise possible in this situation?

When the Spouse Suspects. . .

So, what do you do when it becomes clear to you that the spouse has suspicions about your extramarital activities? I'm not talking about when you have been caught, but when your spouse is still at the suspicion stage (I'll write about what to do if you've been caught in another post).

If you find out that your spouse is suspicious, it's time to circle the wagons.  For those of you not familiar with that American old west reference, it means to focus on self-preservation. In the context of prowling, it means that it's time to focus on your marriage and cover your tracks.

Here are my tips for smoothing things over before they get out of hand:

1. Stay calm.  If you start deleting email and taking other actions without thinking, you are actually more likely to get caught. Stop.  Take a deep breath.  If your spouse is there with you, give her a hug and tell her that you love her.  I assume this is true.
2. Think about your recent behavior.  What have you done to cause her to be suspicious?  Don't kid yourself.  She didn't get suspicious for no reason. Take an honest look at your behavior and try to pinpoint where you went wrong (besides cheating in the first place).
3. Stop all current cheating behavior. I'm not saying you have to stop it forever, but at least until things calm down at home. Your sweetie will understand (unless you picked a young single woman; in that case you're beyond my help).
4. Don't immediately contact your lover unless there is an imminent threat.  Remember that your spouse will be watching you closely (and she'll probably have her friends watching you, too). You may have to wait a few days before making contact with your lover.  You'll live.  So will she. (Don't I sound authoritative as I say that?  Sometime I'll tell you about how I melt down and call Daunt crying like a baby if I don't hear from JJ for two days. Daunt should get an award for putting up with me.)
5. Spend more time with your wife. She needs you.  Be there for her.  Assure her. Do some things you enjoy doing together.
6. Have sex with your wife -- or at least try to.  She needs to know that you still want her.  Don't pull away now.  In fact, in many cases it's a change in the sex life that makes a spouse get suspicious in the first place. If you're the wife, do not stop having sex with your husband.  It's both wrong and stupid.
7. Make sure you get rid of any evidence.  Do this calmly and only when it is safe. If you just can't bear to delete those emails, you'd better secure them somehow so your spouse will never be able to get to them. And then, pay attention to #8....
8. Always remember that your spouse is smarter than you think she is. If you think your online activities are safe because your wife is not computer literate, be aware that she will find someone who is computer literate to help her snoop. People who feel that their marriage and family may be threatened become very creative and ingenious. When my husband suspected me, he did some things to check up on me that I never thought he'd be able to do.  Oops. 
9. Don't admit to anything! If your spouse is truly only suspicious and she doesn't know about your affair for sure, do not admit to an affair. It will hurt her necessarily. I know some people disagree with this, and choose to take the opportunity to admit things so they can move forward with trying to fix their marriage.  I respect that view, too, but it's dangerous. Don't do it unless you're ready for a divorce because that's where you may be headed. My advice is a bit different if you have been caught, of course.  You'll get that post soon.
10. Consider ending the affair, or at least taking a break.  You have the option of thanking your lucky stars that it was just a close call and ending the affair before you do irreparable damage to your marriage. The truth is that suspicion leads to more monitoring, and your chances of getting caught are higher if your spouse already has strong suspicions. If you decide to end it or take a break, please tell your lover and tell her the truth.  Just disappearing is cruel. Trust me.  I've been there.  It's no fun at all.

Any other tips for this situation, Prowlers?

Comfortable, Predictable, and Safe

One of the biggest advantages of a long term marriage (20+ years) is that it is comfortable, predictable, and safe.

One of the biggest challenges of a long term marriage is that it is comfortable, predictable, and safe.

*sigh*

Yeah, it's confusing.

Comfortable becomes complacent. Predictable becomes boring. Safe becomes smothering and restrictive.

Sometimes.

Other times comfortable means you can just relax. Predictable means you don't have to deal with the stress of constant change. Safe means the experience of both physical safety and emotional safety.

Usually, you experience it both ways at different points in the marriage.

Some people deal with this situation well. Others don't. Most get divorced because they can't stand it. Many find relief by cheating. Others drink or find some other way of dealing with it.

Sometimes it's all you can do to just hold on to get through the hard times, the years of feeling invisible and realizing that the life you're living is not the one you want.

If you deal with it by cheating, most folks just don't get it, and (if anyone knows) you get subjected to pot shots from the cheap seats - moral judgements made by people who simply don't know what it's like and moral judgements made by people who do know what it's like, but have chosen another way of dealing with it, therefore allowing them to feel superior.

The big payoff comes for those who weather the storm - no matter how they have to do it - and grow through it.  The payoff is a lifelong, intimate and special connection with another human being.

Imagine that the only way to get to heaven would be to have to walk through parts of hell and purgatory to get there.  That's what I'm trying to describe.

If you have been married for decades and you have never gone through any of this and you don't really know what I am talking about, you are a very fortunate exception to the rule.

I'm reading a book right now  in which the author refers to marriage as a "people growing institution." Experiencing wedded bliss at all times is not the point.  Growing together over decades as you walk through mud and fire and flowers and sun---all while raising a family...that is the point.

Together you experience the best and the worst of who you each are. And you choose to love each other anyway.

That is the point.

Types of Cheaters

Not all cheaters are alike. Active prowlers know this, but most people don't. They assume that a cheater is a cheater is a cheater.  Not so.

I've put together some descriptions of different types of cheaters.  I make no moral judgement about any of them. Some people think that sex-only cheating is worse than emotional-only cheating.  I don't know.  I think it's up to the people involved. When I learned about my husband's infidelity, I was very relieved to learn that they were sex-only encounters, and that no emotional involvement was in play, but I know many others who would not agree.

Also, understand that no one fits in only one category for his/her entire life. People change. I've found myself in several of these categories at different times in my life. I've also been faithful for long stretches of time.

The "Affair of the Heart" Cheater - This is the type of cheater that most people think of when they think of infidelity.  This cheater falls in love with someone other than his/her spouse, struggles with the issue, and then ends up consummating the affair sexually. This person probably didn't see the affair coming and may never have another, but s/he is fiercely committed to the relationship which is usually accompanied by a lot of guilt because it is both emotional and sexual. Contrary to the popular belief that most cheaters are male, there are just as many women as men in this category. This cheater is the most likely to actually leave his spouse voluntarily because the emotion, companionship, excitement, and great sex of the affair just underscores what is missing and miserable about his marriage.

The Serial Cheater - This type of cheater has fully embraced the lifestyle and has probably accepted the fact that monogamy is not for him. This person will cheat many times during his marriage, with many partners.  Some of the affairs are sexual only, and others are emotional, but it's the newness that this cheater craves. If this cheater falls in love with a playmate, he will still cheat with others, too, because he needs that thrill and excitement of the hunt and the new catch. Some people believe that these cheaters are sex addicts, but that is not always the case. While sex is definitely involved in just about all of the serial cheater's connections, he is really looking for satisfaction of his need for newness and conquest.

The Variety Loving Cheater - This cheater is very much like the serial cheater except that he probably hasn't yet accepted the fact that monogamy is not for him. For this cheater, it's all about variety, and his cheating will be intermittent.  He'll have periods of monogamy followed by spurts of infidelity with multiple partners for weeks or months and then he'll be monogamous again for a while. The periods of infidelity are stopped by guilt because he really is devoted to his spouse. This type of cheater is unlikely to leave his spouse unless he gets caught.

The Sex Only Cheater - It's all about the sex for this cheater. He doesn't want to develop relationships. He's not interested in "dating" or getting to know his playmate(s) at all. He'll stay after sex only as long as he needs to without appearing like too much of a jerk, and sometimes he'll go as far as to use only a fake name. One of the key features that differentiates this cheater from the other types is that he usually doesn't think he has really betrayed his spouse because he sees his behavior as physical only and he doesn't give away any of himself emotionally.  He feels that he is only "partly cheating" because he doesn't become emotionally involved with his playmate(s). This cheater will rarely leave his spouse unless he is caught and the spouse gives him no choice.

The Emotional Relationship Only Cheater - This type of cheater is in an infidelity grey area.  Because there may never be any physical sex, some people believe that this isn't really cheating, but spouses of emotional cheaters usually feel just as betrayed as spouses of cheaters who have sex with their playmates. Emotional cheaters are devoted to their spouses and won't (or don't want to) cross the line into a sexual relationship, but they crave an emotional connection. The affair may have started as a friendship, but it quickly evolves into a romantic relationship or a very close friendship. As he starts confiding more and more in his playmate and less and less in his spouse, his marriage deteriorates even further. The emotional affair often turns into a full-blown affair of the heart.

The Online Only Cheater - Like the emotional relationship cheater, this cheater doesn't think he's really cheating because the relationship isn't physical, but his spouse will feel just as betrayed if the affair is discovered. This type of affair is less likely than the others to become physical because the partners usually live far apart, although they do sometimes become physical and long lasting. These relationships can last for decades and these cheaters are the least likely to leave their spouses unless they are caught and the spouse initiates the split.

So, Prowlers, where do you fall in this list?

Things to Think About Before You Cheat - A Public Service Announcement

Last March I published a post (9 Things to Think About Before You Cheat) that I pulled because someone I know got really freaked out about it.  I was thinking about it today, though, and I went back to revisit it.  The ideas shared in that post are good ones and should be considered by someone before the decision to cheat is made.  So, I re-activated that post in the archives and I have reproduced it here as sort of a public service announcement.

If you have not cheated, but you're thinking about it, please read this first!

9 Things to Think About Before You Cheat

I have been having a very interesting email exchange with a gentleman over the last couple of days that has some real potential. It got me thinking, though, about the whole "before you cheat" phase of a relationship. There are some important things to be considered before you make the decision to cheat. 

As you read the list, please keep in mind that I don't mean to freak you out, but the decision you are about to make is not an inconsequential one. It could impact your children, your entire family, if you are not careful. It should definitely not be entered into lightly.

1. Are you sure you really want to do this? If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you know my #1 piece of advice for folks who haven't cheated yet is, "Don't do it." Why?  Because you can't turn back the clock. Infidelity is a pretty big bell that you can never un-ring. Obviously, I can't say that there aren't many wonderful pleasures that can be found in prowling (mmm..picture me smiling and getting wet as I think about a few...), but think carefully about it before you start.
2. What do you really want? Don't just say, "sex."  That's too easy. Think beyond that.  Do you want a one night stand?  Do you want a short term fling?  Do you want an emotional relationship with a sexual component?  Do you want a long term affair?  I know, most of you dogs out there just scratched your horny little heads in confusion thinking, "Uh...is it really that complicated?"  Well, it can be.  If you find a woman who wants an emotional relationship with sex and all you want is a short term fling, you may end up with a problem on your hands (can you spell s-t-a-l-k-e-r?).
3. Are you prepared to risk the consequences of getting caught by your spouse? No, you can't just say that you won't get caught. No one starts cheating thinking they will be caught  Everyone hopes and assumes they won't be caught, yet many are. If you can't handle the consequences of getting caught, don't do it. Period.
4. Have you thought about logistics? Take a look at 10 Tips for Cheating on Your Spouse and Kat's Advice for Prowling Men. These posts will give you some advice about logistics and other things you should consider in advance.
5. How much about your life are you willing to share with someone new? Some people like to share a lot about themselves and others don't.  Don't be caught off guard and end up spilling all sorts of information you had hoped to keep private just because you didn't think about it in advance.
6. Are you sure you are disease free? Do me a favor. Go get yourself tested.  You may think that there is no possible way you could have an STD because you have only been with your wife and she's too frigid or too moral (or whatever) to have been with anyone else, but think about this:  If you are bored with your sex life and want some thrills, she may have beat you to it. Or maybe she had a one-time fling with someone a couple of years ago and managed to keep the secret.  Many STDs are symptom-free in the early stages.  Go get checked out so you can honestly tell your new honey-on-the-side that you're clean. By the way, I am 100% certain that my husband would swear I have never, ever cheated and that I never would. Does that make you think twice about your own spouse?  It should.
7. How are you going to be sure you don't bring any diseases home? Yeah, I know you hate condoms.  No one likes them, but not using them is extremely risky.  And here's the real truth - most married people who cheat do not use condoms.  That should scare the hell out of you because if that sweet little new piece of ass you're thinking of screwing has cheated even once, it's likely that she did it without a condom. 
8. Do you have enough time to cheat? This falls under the logistics topic, but it's a big enough deal to be addressed on its own. If your life is too full now, you may not have time for this, and if that's the case, you could end up making some stupid mistakes (changing habits quickly, etc.) that would draw attention to your behavior and increase the likelihood of being caught.
9. Are you able to lie to your spouse? Lying to my husband is the worst part about prowling for me.  I love the man.  I feel terribly guilty for lying to him, but I do it anyway (No, I don't feel nearly as guilty about coming in another man's arms or sucking my honey-on-the-side's gorgeous cock. Go figure.). If you are incapable of lying to your spouse, that's a wonderful thing!  It also means you won't be able to cheat without getting caught.

Like I said before, I'm not trying to freak you out.  I just want you to make your decisions about prowling like a grown up, rather than a horny dog. More than once I've entered into an affair with a man who got into it and then realized that he hadn't considered many of these things.  That's when it can get uncomfortable, and it doesn't have to be. Remember, prowling is supposed to be fun! It can be awesome if you go into it with a little preparation and with your eyes wide open.

Then you can enjoy letting your honey-on-the-side blindfold you.  ;-)

New Year's Resolutions for Prowlers

It's a brand new year!  Are you ready for 2012, Prowlers?  I've been thinking about New Year's resolutions lately, and it occurred to me that it might be nice to offer a few to my fellow prowlers.  So here are a few potential resolutions to choose from:

• Resolve to redouble your efforts at security.  I'm talking about not getting caught when I say security.  It's easier than you might think to get sloppy about things - a credit card authorization that never gets dropped even though you paid cash, text messages that you forgot to delete, a little too much time online when you're home with the spouse. Pay attention to the details.  They matter.
• Resolve to spend more time with your spouse.  Your marriage won't get better on its own.  Devote more time to being with your spouse and when you're there, really be "with" him/her.  Tell her how much you love her often, and don't stop initiating sex. Even if you think you spend lots of time with your spouse already, do more.
• Resolve to locate hotel rooms that don't require a credit card.  They are out there.  Most Motel 6 locations won't require it (I know, Motel 6, yuk).  Also, many will allow to place  a cash deposit down (usually about $200) in lieu of a credit card, but you have to ask.
• Resolve to use Amex or other Visa/Mastercard gift cards to secure your rooms at hotels. If you can't get a room without a card, get a $200 - $500 gift card that you can use. You won't have to give an address or register it, and you can ditch it when you're done with it. And it will be much easier to explain if it is discovered than a new credit card or, worse, a local hotel charge on a credit card bill.
• Resolve to get a Google Voice number. You can direct it to your cell phone, avoiding giving out your real cell number.
• Resolve to remember that your spouse is smarter than you think she is. You may be pretty sure that she's oblivious to what you're doing, but women are very intuitive.  It's likely that she suspects, even if she has no evidence.  And if she suspects, she's going to look for evidence.  Women are very creative and crafty. Ask yourself, "What would I do if I suspected my spouse were having an affair?" Then plan your actions around the answers. Better yet , if you have a female friend you really trust, ask her what she would do to prove her husband was havign an affair, and follow her advice.
• Resolve to cheat less. I know you want to see your sweetie as often as you possibly can, but the more often you see her, the more chances there are for you to be caught. Be patient.  It will pay off. Besides, it's hotter if you haven't seen each other for awhile.
• Resolve to have safe sex. I know, I know.  You hate condoms.  Use them anyway.  You trust your lover?  She's lying to her husband to be with you.  What makes you think she's not lying to you and being with someone else, too?  Wake up! By the way, if you haven't been tested for STD's lately, do it. If you're sexually active outside your marriage, you should be tested often, especially if you are not using a condom every time.
• Resolve to trust your gut.  If something about a meeting on a certain day feels wrong to you (even if it's with a long time lover), don't do it.  Reschedule for another time.
• Resolve to keep trying to improve your sex life at home.  It's easy to start feeling that if you're getting it elsewhere you can finally stop begging for it at home, but that will be a clue to your spouse. Keep initiating sex.  Get into marriage counseling.  Continue efforts to strengthen your marriage however you can.

And finally.....

• If you are having any reservations at all, resolve to stop cheating. Yes, you read that right. No matter what you think you are feeling, you do not have to cheat.  You can avoid it if you haven't cheated yet and you can stop if you've started.  If you don't think you can stop, put it off for a week.  Then, when you get to next week, try putting it off another week. Just be honest with your lover, ok?

So, prowlers, which of these resolutions will you be trying out this year? Are there any other resolutions you have made related to prowling that are not on this list?

When the Wife Calls. . .

It's always a bit unsettling when the wife calls. It has happened to me several times over the past 25 years or so, and it's never fun. I always seem to be struck silent.  Apparently, I have inherited my mother's uncanny ability of not knowing what to say in a stressful moment. Oh, I think of the perfect thing to say later, but the moment is over by then and it does no good.

Anyway, the first time it happened to me, I was 22 years old.  I was having a torrid affair with a married 40 year old - tall, gorgeous, Latino ex-gang member.  He may have been an ex-gang member, but he still dressed the part and talked the talk, even though he had 6 children and was already a grandfather. This man had "Bad Boy" oozing from every pore, and I couldn't resist.

After we had been "dating" for several months (I was too young to know that fucking isn't dating at that point in my life), his wife called me at work. I was in shock when someone handed me the phone and I heard a voice asking if I was Kat and then telling me who she was. I was speechless.  I wondered how she knew where I worked. She called me some names ("slutty whore," etc.) and expressed her unhappiness about what I was doing with her husband.  She told me to stop, pointing out that he had children (although I was very confused at that time about how that affected our sex life).  Most of the detail of what she said has faded into the dusty archives of my brain.

But the last thing she said before she hung up on me stuck with me.  I can still hear her voice in my head today saying, "You're not the first and you won't be the last.  You mean nothing to him." It didn't hurt me, but I didn't understand why a wife would say that to a mistress. Now that I have been on the wife side of the infidelity equation, I know exactly what she meant and why she said it.

More recently, I had another wife calling experience. I was resting after work for a few minutes before my husband and I were leaving to go out for the evening. My cell rang and it showed that a blocked number was calling.  Normally, I never answer blocked calls.  I let them go through to voicemail. But this time I thought it was someone else calling, so I answered.

Kat: Hello.

The Wife: Is this Kat?

Kat: Yes. who's this?

(pause)

The Wife:  This is Sue, I'm E's wife.

(longer pause)

Kat: Hello.

(Yeah, yeah, I know. MY brilliant conversational skills were not shining at that moment, but I was in shock so you'll have to cut me a little slack. I knew that she knew about me and my affair with her husband, but I really didn't expect her to call me.)

The Wife: I'm calling to invite you to......(pause)

(An invitation? Really? To what?  A dinner date? A three-way with her and her husband?)

The Wife: ...stop having any and all contact with my husband.  No texts. No emails. No phone calls.

(Whew.....I was afraid she was going to say "no getting together to fuck," too.  That would have really sucked.)

Kat: You really should speak with E. Your issues are with him.

The Wife: Don't tell me who to talk to! You need to stop contacting him so I can make my marriage work.  And you need to focus on your own marriage.

(I will admit, there were many things flowing through my mind at that moment. Things like, "Your troubled marriage is not my responsibility, ma'am. Your husband found me after a couple of decades of being ignored, henpecked and denied sex. Instead of focusing on me as the problem, how about giving your husband head instead?  That would be a much better use of your time and it would also be more likely to help your marriage." No, I didn't say any of those things, of course.  I'm not a cruel person.  I could tell she was hurting, and I knew I had a role in that. I'm not proud of that at all. I felt more compassion for her than anything else.  Still, I wasn't sure what to say.)

Kat: I understand what you are saying.

The Wife: So, you'll promise that you won't have any more contact with E?

(Seriously? Did she really think that my promise would mean anything when her husband's promises to her didn't keep him from fooling around?)

Kat: No. You really need that promise to come from him. Look, he loves you very much.  He doesn't want to leave you. He plans on never leaving you.

The Wife: How can I believe that unless I can be sure that he's not involved with you anymore?

(That was a very good question.  I don't think any of us can ever be 100% sure of that. But surely she must know that unless something major changes in their relationship, it won't just be me.  There will be others.  I was reminded about that first wife call I got when I was young. "You're not the first, and you won't be the last." )

The Wife: You'd better understand what I'm saying.

(long pause)

Kat: Is there anything else you'd like to say?

(Let's face it.  I was screwing her husband. She pretty much had the right to say anything she wanted to say.)

The Wife: Yes.  I have a lot more to say.....

(Oh, geez.... this could go on for hours.)

The Wife:  .....but I'm not going to say it now.  I'm going to keep it simple.

(Thank God!  But wait...does that mean she's going to call back another time to say the rest? Uuugghh.)

Kat: O.K.  Goodnight, then.

The Wife: Goodnight.

(I knew she'd kick herself later for saying goodnight and not just punctuating her anger by hanging up on me. I was a little amused that my primary focus after the call wasn't nervousness or fear, but I wanted to coach her on how to better a handle a "telling off the mistress" call. She clearly wasn't used to this.)

Let me make something clear.  I felt genuine compassion for her.  I still do, but I did not pity her at all. She had some responsibility in the creation of this situation that was causing her so much pain. Of course, her husband's infidelity was not her fault, but she was not an innocent.  Every time she told him "no" in the bedroom over the years without discussing the issue and trying to find a solution, she was pushing him closer and closer to another woman. Every time she used words like "perverted" and "disgusting" in response to his perfectly normal requests to try something new sexually, she was preparing the ground for the sprouting of his extramarital activity.

In short, she built that car from the ground up over a lot of years, and then she was indignant and shocked that he actually got in it and drove away. 

Immediately after the phone call, I sent E an email telling him exactly what was said and how I responded so he would be aware.

I got a return email from him expressing his concern for me and asking if I intended to stop seeing him because of the call. He acknowledged that he was about to go home and he had no idea what was waiting for him, and that he didn't know what was going to happen.

The next morning, I got a text from him confirming our plan to meet the next day. Apparently, whatever happened at home didn't change his feelings and his need for what we shared.

You may want to criticize how I handled that call with Sue, but keep in mind that there is just about nothing I could have said that would have made her feel better. Maybe I could have apologized profusely and begged her forgiveness, but would patronizing her like that be the right thing to do?  The truth is that there is no perfect way to handle a call like that.

You have to deal with the situation in front of you. If it had been Webcam Guy's or JJ's wife, I would have denied the whole thing, doing everything I could to help them keep the marriage intact.  Since Sue already knew about the affair, that would have been cruel and stupid.

The best advice I have is to be gentle and kind.  Don't get into an argument. Remember that you're dealing with someone who is angry and afraid. Treat her the way you would like to be treated if you were the one making that difficult call.

*******************************
As I was writing this, I realized that I haven't posted anything about E. I'll do that soon.  You're in for a treat.  E is absolutely delectable!

Sex for Kat and Hubby after the Big Confession

The Big Confession (or should I say, big confessions?) changed things in my marriage. For those of you who are new here, a couple of months ago my husband confessed that he had been unfaithful for the better part of the past 5 years, with multiple women.  About a month ago, I confessed my infidelities. Everything was out on the table and we had to decide where to go from there.

Would we stay together?  That was the easiest decision because we both are committed to each other and our marriage.

But what was next?  Would we recommit to fidelity? Would we agree to an open marriage? Would we start swinging? Would we ever be able to really trust each other again like we did before? What would happen to our sex life?

Specifically, my husband was worried that I would be bored by him since I had enjoyed so many alternatives. It wasn't an unreasonable concern. Neither of us knew if I could be satisfied by plain vanilla after sampling lots of other delectable flavors.

We decided to try a fresh start and focus on improving both our communication and sex life. We got into counseling (individual and couples counseling), and we agreed to tell each other the truth, meaning that if I had a roll in the hay with JJ, I would tell Hubby, and he would admit any slips he had.

We agreed to start acting like we did early in our marriage, whether or not we felt like it. What did that mean? It meant the TV would get turned off in the evening.  It meant we would go to bed as soon as the kids were asleep so we'd have time for each other. It meant we'd start dating again, at least one night a week. It meant we'd leave heartfelt love notes for each other in the car, on the bathroom mirror, etc. We brought our plan into the current century by adding loving and sexy email and texts to each other throughout the day. I started sexting him at embarrassing moments.

And it meant we'd plan on sex every night. The rule was/is that neither of us can cancel it during the day, but either of us can cancel when we are actually in bed; however, the one who cancels is obligated to help the other come if he/she wants. I have to tell you I have been surprised by how many times I thought I was too tired or not in the mood, but when we started enjoying each other and I started helping him get off, I started to get excited, too.

We also each decided to really give it an honest try.  For me, that meant I would get into it with all the enthusiasm I had with JJ or J or S or...... For him, that meant being willing to try some variety and focusing on my pleasure.

So, for the first two weeks, that's how it was - sex every night.  Sometimes more than once. And it was really great sex! My old dog hubby kept thinking that he couldn't do it again for the 4th (5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, etc...) night in a row, but he did, and quite nicely, I might add. ;-)

We included some play with sex toys, and experimented with different positions. We asked each other what we had liked about sex with our other lovers and we incorporated some of those things into our own lovemaking.

The next week, it slowed down a little.  We only had sex on five nights of the seven that week. There were two nights that we both agreed to take a break.  Frankly, I needed a break, things were starting to get a little sore "down there" from all the attention. What a wonderful problem to have, huh? It was during this week that we also started reading to each other in bed (sex books and books about reclaiming your marriage) and talking about what we read.

Over the last 7 days, we've had sex on six nights. On one of them, we had agreed not to, but I changed my mind just as we were about to fall asleep and that kept us up for a couple more hours.

As the sex got better, lots of other things started turning around, too.  We actually wanted to be around each other more. We started talking more.

It didn't solve all of our problems, though.  Hubby is still too clingy, afraid that I'm going to take off and find another man...and, ultimately, leave him.  He has a reason to be concerned.  I won't leave him., but I have not lost my desire for my honey...or J, or P. or B, or C.....or...... As you can see, PWK is still here and going strong.

A couple of nights ago, we discussed a new "problem" we have.  We need to adjust our "act like we were newly together" plan because the sex now is much better than it was when we were newly together.  Huh? How can that be? Sounds crazy, huh?  I always thought that people were supposed to be on track for divorce when affairs were discovered, but that's not what has happened for us. The man who seemed to have lost interest in me sexually is now pursuing me and is trying as hard as he can to keep me interested in him and not in other men.

Now, we're looking to the future and wondering where it goes from here. You never really know what's going to happen in life, do you?

I'd better get writing.  I have some hot sex posts to write.

How I Screwed Up My Prowling

I know how to cheat and not get caught. I didn't screw up because I didn't know how to keep it hidden.  I screwed up because I let my guard down and started breaking my own rules and guidelines.

I knew I was doing it, too.  I had become so cocky that I didn't think I could be caught because I was just too good at flying under the radar.

In short, I was an idiot.

After a long, long time of successful prowling, I started to let my guard down. I spend too much time online in the evenings.  I started staying late at work much more than was reasonable. I carried my phone with me at all times (even at home when there was no need for it to be on my person) and I scrambled whenever Hubby reached for it. I wasn't deleting naughty texts and emails anymore. I started getting sloppy about my excuses for where I would be when I went out for play time.

And the mistake that ultimately forced me to admit things to Hubby - I used a business credit card for a local hotel, and Hubby had access to the records. When he was just an hour or so away from discovering that charge, I told him. I am still convinced that it was better for him to hear it from me directly than to find out as he looked through bank records.

I am very fortunate that the fallout has not been negative - no divorce, no separation. In fact, my marriage is better now than it has been for over two decades, but it could easily have gone the other way - all because I was careless.

The Advice for Prowlers page includes link to many posts with excellent advice for Prowlers. Read it, but remember that you need to do more than read it. Knowing how to avoid being caught is worthless information unless you apply it.

Take it from an idiot who learned the hard way.

Negotiating with Hubby

It was almost two weeks ago that I revealed my infidelity to Hubby. He told me about his a couple of months ago. Now that the "Kat is out of the bag," so to speak, we have spent the better part of the last couple of weeks deciding how we want our marriage to work.

Our starting points were almost as far apart as you can imagine.  I wanted an open marriage in which we both could have sex with others, as long as we didn't lie to each other about it. He wanted to go back to what he thought was going on before - he can have sex outside the marriage, but I remain faithful. We each vetoed the other's starting proposal.

At first, the issue was sex. He came around to, "OK, let's start over, and both of us will be faithful and honest." I met him part way with, "Sounds good, but I'll remain faithful only if you can meet my sexual needs."

As we talked, though, it became clear that sex wasn't the only issue. Hubby was also concerned about emotional fidelity (specifically, he doesn't want me becoming emotionally attached to another man - with or without a sexual relationship). I was concerned about being controlled and monitored too much, living a life with no freedom at all.  I'm not talking about sexual freedom, but the freedom to go out with friends if I want, the freedom to talk to whoever I want, and befriend whomever I choose.

My insistence on having some emotional space, coupled with my seeming nonchalance about whether he has sex with other women or not, flipped Hubby's insecurity switch, complicating our negotiations. I learned that no matter how much you tell a man that you are not going to leave him, once you have had sex with another man, he apparently will never believe you. 

I pointed out to him that he was having sex with a bunch of women over a period of years, and he didn't leave me. He clearly understands the difference between sex and love.  Why can't he believe that I know the difference, too? It seems that men are just wired to believe that they can fool around and still remain with the family, but women can't do the same. 

To a man, a woman's infidelity is a huge betrayal, but his own infidelity is just a minor indiscretion that doesn't mean he is any less devoted to his wife.

Huh?

So, how have we resolved this? So far, we have an agreement that has several components:

1. We agreed that we will talk more and keep the lines of communication open. We are doing very well with this.  I think we have talked more in the last two weeks than we have in any year of our marriage. We are checking in with each other emotionally a lot, and talking a lot more about what we each like sexually. We are also receiving couples counseling.
2. We agreed that we will remain faithful to each other - at least for now - but that either of us can bring this up for renegotiation at any time.  OK, I'll be honest.  I'm not giving up my honey. So, I'm back to a little prowling, but much less than before. In fact, we get together so infrequently that it's almost like I've given up prowling, but not.
3. We agreed that we would spend more time together to develop our relationship. This means bringing back our weekly "date night" and doing more things together.  It also means that I'll only work late if I have no other choice and that I'll try to avoid weekend work, too. If you own a business, as I do, you know that this is no small commitment.
4. We agreed that he would let me have time for myself and that he won't constantly monitor me. This means I can chat with Daunt or any other friend without his reading over my shoulder and constantly asking what we're talking about.  It means I can go out with Cara and Daunt without getting the third degree when I return. It means I can choose my own friends, and have a couple of hours a couple of times a week all to myself. This may not seem like a big deal to many of you, but I have had to lie or sneak around to get any of these for the last 23 years.

So far, the result has been that our marriage is actually better than it was before.

The most surprising change?  Our sex life. We have had sex on 11 of the last 13 nights. And not just sex, but really great sex! It seems that the idea of competition has caused Hubby to shift into high gear in the bedroom. If I had known this would happen, I would have 'fessed up much sooner. I expect it to cool down at some point, but it's really nice right now. I plan to enjoy it as long as I can.

Where do we go from here?  Who knows?  What matters is that we're still together, we love each other, and we're walking through it together.

'Fessing Up

I just did something that I thought I would never do.

I just confessed my infidelities to my husband.

Well, some of them.

Here's what happened. He was digging through some records and he was about to discover one of the affairs.  Seriously, he was probably only an hour or two away from knowing, so I had a choice - Keep lying and make up another excuse or just tell him the truth.

He has been suspicious for a while.  Once he found the hotel payment records for a local hotel, he'd know.  I could have tried to lie and make up an explanation, but my husband is not that stupid. I am only attracted to smart men, remember? It would have been just too demeaning and insulting to him to make up another lame excuse that he knew was a lie. And, frankly, I have grown pretty tired of lying to the man I have loved for almost 25 years.

So I told him.

At first, he didn't say anything.  He just stared at me. He asked a question or two.  I answered them honestly. He asked if I was still seeing him. I replied, "One of them."

Hubby: There's more than one???

Kat: Yes.

Hubby: Does that one know you are telling me?

Kat: No, not yet.

Hubby: So he doesn't know you're breaking it off with him yet?

Kat: No, but I didn't say I was breaking it off with him.  You and I haven't gotten that far yet.

Hubby: So, you're still planning to see him again.

Kat: That depends.

Hubby: On what?

Kat: You.

And that's where the negotiations began.  What do I want from our marriage?  What does he want?  Could our marriage survive an open marriage relationship?

Surprisingly, he didn't ask any of the questions I was expecting, like how did we meet, how long has it been going on, etc. I think he was in shock. I expect that some of those will come as he processes things a bit more.

The conversation between us is not over yet, but we did agree on a few things - We love each other, we love our family, and we will not be splitting up over this or anything else.

The question is.... Can I give up prowling?  Will I?

What do you think?

Popcorn Anyone?

I was watching a TV show this weekend with my husband and oldest son (a young adult). The storyline was about a man who was having an affair and the young woman with whom he was having the affair. 

Let me say right now that I avoid watching TV shows about infidelity because of the danger of the conversation turning toward a discussion of how awful it is and how wonderful it is for Hubby to know that I would never cheat on him, etc. This time, my husband was engaging my son in a discussion about infidelity, which I found particularly interesting since he recently admitted that he'd been cheating with several woman for over 5 years.

But I digress.....

In this storyline, the man wanted to break it off, but the young woman became enraged and started threatening to tell his wife. The man was beginning to panic.  She walked out of his office and into the street, still yelling at him and telling him exactly what she was going to report to his wife when....

She was hit by a bus. She was killed instantly and left a bloody mess all over the bus and the street.

We were all shocked into silence for a moment. Then we laughed and cheered.

(No, I do not normally cheer when people are flattened by buses, but this was a special occasion.  We really liked the man in this show and we really did not like that young woman.)

Then this conversation ensued:

Hubby: See, son? That woman could have ruined that man's life.  That is why you should remain faithful to your wife when you are married.

Son: Actually, it looks like it turned out great for him.  He got some young pussy, and then she got hit by a bus so she couldn't tell his wife. He's a happy guy now.

Hubby: (speaking while I cringe at hearing my sweet baby boy use the word "pussy") Yeah, but he just got lucky.  That's a one in a million thing. The real lesson here is that you shouldn't cheat.

Kat: I think the real lesson is that he shouldn't have cheated with a single woman.  She had all the leverage and all the power in the relationship, which put him in a very risky and tenuous position.  If he had cheated with a married woman, that never would have happened.  She wouldn't threaten to tell his wife because then he could tell her husband. Not telling the spouses is a mutual agreement.  It's like mutually assured destruction.  They both have something to lose. So, it's much safer with a married person, and.....

I stopped talking when I realized they were both staring at me.  My son was looking at me like I was the biggest idiot ever, and Hubby was white as a ghost and he had a stunned expression on is face.  I needed to recover quickly.....

Kat: But your father is right, Son. It's much better not to cheat at all. Popcorn anyone?

And then I jumped up and glided swiftly into the kitchen to make some popcorn. When it was finished, my son came into the kitchen to help me with the bowls. He stepped next to me and leaned over, lowered his voice, and said, "Smooth, Mom."

I sighed as we walked back into the living room.  This is why I don't like watching TV.

Reality Check

I know that most of you are here for the naughty sex stories and the cheating advice.  Unfortunately, sometimes all that can make infidelity seem glamorous when, in reality, it's not like that at all.

Even those of us who have been doing this for a while and know most of the tricks can get sloppy after a while and take chances we shouldn't take.

So, to give us all a reality check, I found this video on YouTube called "Cheaters Vengeance." It shows some of the things wives have done after they found out their husbands were cheating.

(If you're watching this at work or some other non-private place, be sure to turn the sound down or off.  The pictures are the important part, anyway.)



Don't let this happen to you!

Re-read some of my tips  to refresh your memory about things to watch for to be sure you don't get caught.

10 Tips for Cheating on Your Spouse

And remember, let's be careful out there, Prowlers.

Kat's Big Idea...after the Big Surprise

I sat directly across from Hubby in a restaurant the day after he made his big admission to me (read Kat's Big Surprise if you need to come up to speed with that). It took me about 24 hours to process what he had said to me and to think through how I should respond.  It seemed like this would be the best opportunity I would ever have to ask for an open marriage and have any chance of actually getting one.

Soon after he sat down and we ordered some water and tea, I started the conversation:

Kat:  Honey, I have an idea.  Since it seems like we both want more sex and a different kind of sex than we can get with each other, what would you think about trying an open marriage? We could both have sex with other people, but we would establish some boundaries that work for both of us, and the best part would be that we wouldn't have to lie to each other. We could be honest and upfront about what we were doing.  What do you think?

I could tell that he was shocked.  He wasn't expecting this. He wasn't expecting the blow job and sex the night before, either, but he jumped right on board with that.  This was different. His jaw dropped a little bit and he just stared at me for awhile. I didn't fill up the silence with talk; I just waited for him to say something. Eventually, he spoke.

Hubby:  I don't want that.

Kat: Why not? You told me you've been having sex with other women for years.  That is clearly what you want, so why not do it openly?

Another long pause.  Wow, he really wasn't ready for this.

Hubby: I could be ok with being honest with you, now that I've already told you, but I don't want you having sex with anyone else.  I'd be too jealous.

Seriously?  Did he just say that he wants half an open marriage?  His half is open, but my half is not? Now I was speechless. Fortunately, he continued.

Hubby:  What I mean is that if you started sleeping with other men, you'd find someone you like better than me and you'd leave me, and I couldn't handle that.  I don't want you to leave me.

How does he do that?  How does he take a moment when I am really frustrated by him and turn it into a tender moment?  It's a gift, I swear.

Kat:  I'm not going to leave you.  I've told you that.  No matter what. That's a non-issue.  I'm talking about a way for us both to be happy and have our needs met while we're together.

Hubby: Can't we find another solution besides an open marriage?

Kat: I'm listening....

Hubby:  We could go to counseling.

Kat: Okay.  You know I'm not opposed to counseling, but how is that going to make you want to have sex with me rather than other women.

Hubby: I've wanted you all along.  Sex with you has always been better than with anyone else.

It's official, I'm confused.

Kat: If you wanted sex with me all the time, why have you turned me down so much?  And why did you propose that we stop having sex altogether?

Hubby:  I thought it was a burden for you.  You work so much and you're always so tired. I didn't want to make things harder than they already are for you.

Not buying it, but go on, I thought.

Hubby: ...and you know my desire has decreased a lot anyway recently.

Oh, don't even pretend to go there....

Hubby: I was thinking that if I stop doing it with the other women then maybe you and I can have sex more because I won't use it all up on them.

Ya think???

Kat: Okay, but haven't I made it clear to you that I want more sex?  How could I have said it differently, or shown you differently?

Hubby:  Yes, you said it, but I didn't really believe it because you were so tired and busy with the business.

Kat: So, you're saying that you paid multiple other women for sex for years because you thought I was too busy and tired, even though I told you otherwise?

He went on to explain how he felt insecure about asking for sex because he couldn't handle the rejection, even though I had never turned him down. It was still a fear he had. Sex with those other women was easier because it was just a business transaction; there was no emotion involved.  There were no feelings to be hurt.  And they never turned him down, so he didn't even have to worry about that.

Yeah, I thought, we need some counseling.

In the meantime, we agreed to communicate better about sex and to make time for it every night, in case one of us wants it.  That means going to bed earlier, being prepared for it.

He agrees to stay open minded about the open marriage concept. I agree not to start telling him about rendezvous I may or may not be having until we decide on the whole open marriage issue and have a counselor.

Most importantly, we both agree that the conversation is not over.

******************************
Update

It has been about two weeks since that conversation and hubby has been more affectionate and sweet to me than he has been for years.  He's bringing me coffee in the morning, making breakfast on the weekends, and helping out more in general.

And we've had more sex in the past two weeks than we've had in the last 3-4 months.

We start counseling soon.


He's very happy.

The problem now is that I'm not. It's not that I'm unhappy because I'm not. But the sex is exactly the same as it has been for years.  No change.  No variation. Actually, there is one pretty significant change.  I can't seem to cum with him anymore. I've been married long enough to know not to make any rash decisions based on a feeling or temporary issue. There's more conversation to be had.  There's counseling.

Most importantly, there's time.

Kat's Big Surprise (Are You Sitting Down?)

I really didn't think anything could surprise me. Until yesterday.

I was at work dealing with a rather messy legal situation that had sucked all my energy and had put me in a rather foul mood, so I wasn't in the best frame of mind when my husband called and said, "Do you have a minute to talk?" Rather than saying something sarcastic like, "What do you think?" I responded to him as I always do when he asks that questions.  I said, "I'm busy, but I always have time for you, Handsome.  What's up?"

My husband proceeded to tell me that he had just received a call from a woman we know. Let's call her F-ing Bitch, shall we?  That's not her real name, but it's the name I will be using for her from now on. He then proceeded to tell me that F-ing Bitch said she was going to call me and tell me about the sex he'd been having with her for the last several years if he didn't give her a large sum of money. WTF?!

Those of you who have been reading the blog for awhile know that there are several things in his statement that were surprising.  First, he's having sex?  Any sex?  With anyone?  Wow. Second, he's been telling me he's not interested in sex anymore, yet he's been doing her?  Really? Third, she actually thinks that blackmailing him is the best way to get money out of him?

Apparently, after he hung up the phone from talking with her (and telling her that he wasn't going to pay her a dime, by the way), he thought he should call me and tell me about it right away in case she did, in fact, call me.

She didn't.  At least not yet.

I assured him that I loved him and we'd be fine.  We'd work through this.  I told him we would discuss it more when I got home (I knew that would put the fear of God into him for a few hours while he waited for the end of day and worried about what I might say or do).  I hung up the phone, closed my office doors and thought about what I had just heard.

A few weeks ago, in response to a post I wrote on tolerance, a reader posed this question:

"Ok, Kat. Honest Question: what would your reaction be if your husband confessed to you (without knowing you had cheated on him at all) that he had carried on a number of affairs? How would that effect (sic) your feelings for him, and how would that effect (sic) your relationship with him."
My response to him was, "I really don't know."  And that was the truth.  I had no idea how I would feel about it.

As I sat there after talking with my husband, that reader's comment popped into my head, and I thought, well, now I'll find out how I feel about that.  How do I feel about it?

I tried to separate my feelings from my thoughts because I'm such a logically-driven person that sometimes it's hard to know what I'm feeling because my brain takes over in difficult situations and sets about the task of solving the problem before my feelings even know what's going on.  I focused on my feelings.  What was I feeling?  What was I really feeling?

Relief.  Yes, that was it. I was relieved because now I knew that if he found out about me our marriage wouldn't be over.  There would be no lectures or "holier than thou" attitude because we both had cheated. I was also relieved because this meant the door was now open to talk about sex and infidelity and maybe, just maybe, the possibility of an open marriage. It had been killing me not to be able to talk with him about these things, being afraid that he would freak out or worse.

I scanned my feelings for all the things I would be expected to be feeling.  Jealousy?  Nope.  None.  F-ing Bitch meant nothing to me and I know she meant nothing to him. Anger? Some, but I was angry at F-ing Bitch for trying to blackmail him.  I was not angry at him for stepping out. How could I be? Fear? No. I am still 100% certain that he loves me and he won't be leaving me for another woman.  He might fuck others, but he'll always come home to me.  Yes, I'm positive of that. Confusion? Yes, a little bit.  We are two people who both want more sex and we're stepping outside of our marriage to get it.  Why aren't we looking to each other for it?  Why can't we talk about that? I made a mental note that we would be talking about that when I got home from work or some time very soon

Then I felt relief again - relief that this wasn't so bad.  I wasn't devastated.  I wasn't even upset.  Of course, I reminded myself that I might be in shock and some other feelings may surface later, but for now I was OK.

I asked myself the big question - Was I willing to leave him over this? The answer was a resounding, "Hell, no!" I knew I needed to tell him that as soon as possible.

When I walked in the front door at home a couple of hours later, he was sitting on the couch looking like a little boy (o.k., a grey-haired little boy) who was about to be taken out to the woodshed for a whipping. I sat down next to him, took his hand and looked him in the eye. He didn't say anything.  He just looked at me with big puppy dog tears welled up in his eyes. Now I was feeling a few things - compassion, love, sadness, guilt.

The baseball game had just started and was on TV in the background.  I lightened the mood by saying, "Hey!  There's no crying in baseball, remember?" We both laughed a little and some of the color returned to his face.  Better. 

He said, "I don't want you to leave me."

I replied, "I will never leave you, Mr. Kat.  I love you. Are you going to leave me for some bimbo?"

"No!" he replied. "I'm not going anywhere, ever."

"Well then," I said, "Let's not worry about that anymore, ok?"  He nodded his agreement.

Then we started talking about it, and more information came out.  It wasn't one woman; it was a handful of women.  It wasn't for a brief period of time; it was over many years. Yes, he had brought some of them to our home to fuck in our bed while I was at work (ouch!). Yes, he had been supporting a couple of them for a couple of years with the money I earned (another ouch). F-ing Bitch had gone the blackmail route because he had cut off her gravy train.  He stopped giving her money. Yes, I knew all of the women he had been with (triple ouch).

It was a lot to process (ya think???), so we agreed we'd talk about it more the next day.

Later in the evening, when we went to bed, I initiated sex with him. I knew it was an important part of letting him know that I still loved him and wanted him and wasn't going to kick him out. I also decided it was time to focus (again) on some of my own tips from 10 Tips for Wives to Keep Your Husband from Cheating, so I gave him the best BJ I knew how to give and then I fucked him like a woman who had been starving for sex with him (Ok, some acting and fantasizing about JJ were involved, but it worked).

Afterwards, I thought, "Take that, F-ing Bitch. How dare you try to blackmail my family??? And by the way, you've had your last fuck with this man, Sister." I can't wait to see her and share those thoughts with her in person.

I had a chance to chat with DauntlessD about the whole thing, and he suggested that I use the opportunity to ask my husband for an open marriage.  At first I thought, "No way! He'll never go for that and I'm not ready to tell him about my activities yet." But then I thought about it.  Dauntless was right. There would never be a better time than this to have that conversation.

So, I sent my husband a text today around lunch time and asked him if we would join me for lunch so we could talk and continue the conversation we started last night.  I also said that I have an idea I'd like to discuss with him.  He agreed, and we decided on a meeting place.

He walked into the restaurant and looked around for me.  I already had a table and was waiting for him.  I had been rehearsing exactly what I would say and how I would say it.  He sat down across from me and reached over the table to take both my hands in his.

I said, "Honey, I've been thinking and I have an idea......"