High Maintenance?

I never thought I was high maintenance.  Seriously, in high school and college friends would laugh about girls who were high maintenance and then  say, "I'm glad Kat's not like that."  My husband has bragged for years about how low maintenance I am, how I never complain, how it doesn't take much or cost an arm and a leg to keep me happy.  It's true. All it really takes to keep me happy is to love me, tell me often, and at least pretend to be interested in my life. I used to say that real interest was required, but I've grown old enough to know that having the courtesy to at least pretend you care is often good enough.

See?  I said I was low maintenance.

But something has happened recently that is making me take notice.

I've mentioned the pattern before.  When you first meet someone online, there's a flurry of email.  There are chat conversations and phone calls and texts, and it's all so exciting and new. Then, as you get to know each other, things calm down a bit, as they should. You settle into a comfortable rhythm of communication and make exceptions for the times when one or both of you gets really busy or things at home get crazy.

But for me there seems to be another stage when communication slows way down.  An email every day becomes one a week - maybe. Quick text exchanges just to check in and say something nice slow down, too, from once a day to every 2-5 days - maybe. Phone calls? From once a week to once every two or three weeks, if that.  Phone sex? That's gone completely.

When I bring it up, I'm told everything's fine. He's just been busy. Don't worry.

Then nothing.  For days.

Seriously, how hard is it to text a quick, "Crazy day but I'm thinking about you" or something like that?

It's one thing to be lousy communicator when you are having an in-person affair, but when you have a long distance relationship, all you have is the virtual communication. If you go silent for days, there's a vacuum of communication. If it happens a few times, I can live with that.  Life happens. But when it becomes the normal state of affairs I start to wonder.  I start to ask myself questions:

Does he really care about me or has he moved on and he's afraid to tell me?
Has he mistaken low maintenance for no maintenance?
Or is something wrong with ME? Am I expecting too much? Is this normal?

It's interesting to be told that "everything's fine" because clearly it's not.  I'm feeling devalued and unimportant so everything is not fine for me. But when that text or email shows up after almost a week, I'll act like everything is fine. Apparently I want to live with the delusion that he'll change.

The part of me that loves him says, "Shut up. Everything will be fine.  I'm sure he had a good reason...again." I wonder if he's ok. Maybe he's been hurt? Because I can't let myself believe that everything is fine in his world and he is just choosing not to communicate with me."

But the part of me that has a sliver of self-respect remaining says, "I'm worth more than that. I don't need to beg someone to talk to me." But I'm still very sad.  I still miss him.

Here's what a wise woman told me several years ago:

If he's not talking to you, it's because he doesn't want to. Walk away.

What Do You *Really* Want?

I have a pet peeve that is growing larger by the day. I get annoyed when people say they want something from a partner, and then follow the statement with a qualification.

For example, a man says to a woman, "I just want to hold you," and then he continues with "but if you want to do more, that's good, too." The first part of the sentence is a total lie.  He doesn't just want to hold her.  He makes that clear with the second part of the sentence. He said it to try to communicate that he appreciates her for more than sex, but he accomplished the opposite.

Then there's Hubby's famous, "I want you to be happy, but I don't want you to have sex with anyone but me." I looked him in the eye and said, "You don't want me to be happy. You want me to behave the way you want me to behave, and you want me to be happy doing it. That's what you want." He agreed. When you love someone, the first half of one of these sentences hurts because you know it's not true. I'd much rather he say, "I love you, and I want you to find a way to be happy only having sex with me." That makes his wants clear and still communicates that I'm important to him.

Here's a common one. "I want you to feel free to say what you think and feel, but.........." You can fill in the rest of the sentence after the "but" with all sorts of things, but it doesn't really matter. What is actually communicated ranges from "I'd rather you not express your thoughts and feelings about this topic," at best, to "I wish you would shut the fuck up about your feelings.  I can't handle them anymore and I don't care," at worst.

There are many more examples I could give, but I think you get the point.

I wish people would just say what they really want. Men think they are softening the blow of what they are saying after the but by including the first half of the sentence.  In reality, it heightens the anxiety about what's following and what it may mean.

I know some people may say, "That's just semantics," or "Women over think everything." The first objection is simply not true. The second one is probably true to some degree, but if you want to play with us you need to speak our language.  And maybe it's not that women over think everything, but that men under think it all.

 The truth is that it's not about thinking as much as it's about communication, how what you said has been received. When the communication is clear, everything is a lot easier.

Work, Sex, Communication....and Marital Discord

I know I haven't been posting regularly, Prowlers. I'm sorry about that.  Trust me, I really want to post often, but sometimes life just gets in the way. This time, it has been work that has interfered. As many of you know, I own a small business and the buck stops with me, as they say. I've been working long hours and not having time to do any of the things I really enjoy.

And that includes sex.

Marital sex is complicated enough under the best of circumstances, but when you throw in crazy work hours and work-induced exhaustion, it's even worse.

For example, I worked a 15 hour day yesterday (yes, on Sunday), came home, fixed dinner for the family (late), cleaned up, got the little one bathed and to bed, showered myself and went to bed. Don't even get me started on why I had to make dinner when Hubby and my adult son were home all day lounging around; that's really another conversation entirely, but it is related to the exhaustion factor.

In spite of all of that, I was up for sex.  Heck, I'm always up for sex. In fact, I primed the pump, so to speak, in the shower and it wouldn't have taken much to make me very, very happy, relaxed, and ready for my six hours of sleep.

I got in bed, and there was Hubby.  Sweet Hubby. Hubby had a dilemma.  He knew I've been working like crazy and he doesn't want to pressure me into sex when he knows I'm tired.  Of course, he had no problem with that over the dinner issue, but I digress.....again.

He also knows that, generally speaking, I want sex all the time. He's not particularly interested in sex.

He's confused. He has a dilemma.  What to do?  What to do?

So, he says, "I can do you if you want. I don't want it, but I can do you if you want."

Wow.  What a way to get a gal's pussy quivering....NOT.

I would have enjoyed sex, even as tired as I was, but I was too tired to deal with "duty sex" and the emotion that it stirs up in me. And I was way too tried to have the conversation that usually goes along with duty sex (explaining to Hubby, in language that men understand, why his offer is not alluring in any way).

I responded, "No, thank you."  That's it.  A simple, "No, thank you."

Hubby knew he was in trouble. He was ready for, "Sure, let's fuck!" or a conversation of some kind, but "No, thank you" in that situation is wife-speak for, "Don't do me any favors, you son-of-a-bitch. And don't touch me, either."

I rolled over and was in the process of falling asleep (because I really was that tired), but he wanted to talk. Uuugghhhhhh. So, we talked about the duty sex offer.  We talked about how many hours I've been working and how he wants me to work less.  We talked about how I'd like a little help around the house.  We talked about how he misses me because I'm gone so much.  We talked about how little sex we've had recently and his fear that it means I'm getting it elsewhere (which is true, but not lately. Why?  Because I'm working too much!).

By the time the conversation was done, I was wishing I had ignored my abhorrence of duty sex and just said, "Sure, let's fuck!" We would have been done a lot sooner. A lot sooner.

It occurred to me this morning that this bout of marital discord could have been avoided with just a little bit better communication before we got into bed. All I had to do was indicate that I wanted it or not and Hubby never would have been forced into his atrocious duty sex offer which started the downhill spiral. While I was tired, I wasn't too tired to say, "Let's get it on" or "Let's skip sex tonight, ok?" That's all it would have taken.

But I didn't say anything. The real problem wasn't that I have been working too much (although that is a problem).  The real problem was communication....again.

So, today I decided that I was not going to make the same mistake. I sent Hubby the following series of text messages throughout the day:

7:00 a.m. - Please be advised that I would like a nice hard fucking tonight.

10:00 a.m. - Still want to cum.  Don't forget.

11:00 a.m. - Did I mention I'm not wearing a bra today?

12:30 p.m. - I'm looking at the picture on my desk of our trip to Florida.  Remember making love in the hot tub?

2:30 p.m. - (No words, just a picture of my tits I took in the bathroom with my phone.)

4:00 p.m. - I'll be home by 7:00. Can you get dinner started? That will leave me more energy to give you a nice long blow job later.

5:30 p.m. - Do we have to wait 'til bedtime?  Can't we just duck into the back room for a few minutes while the kids are watching TV?  Better yet...let's do that AND do it at bedtime, too!

6:30 p.m. - Did I mention that I'm horny and I would love some hot sex with you tonight?  Be home soon.;-)

Think he got the message?

I'll let you know. It's time to head home.

The Response

I was very moved by the response to the post Why I Cheat, not because I wanted approval of or support for my choices, but because I was struck by how many of us struggle with sexual issues at home. Having a mismatch in sexual desire between spouses is not uncommon at all, but when you're living with it, you feel alone because folks don't talk about it.

Sure, there's a common refrain from men worldwide that their wives don't give them enough sex, but accepting that that's "just the way it is" minimizes the issue and discounts the huge amount of pain that the situation causes men. And when the wife is the one with the greater sex drive, it's just as hurtful.

Recently, I had lunch with a friend whose marriage was on the rocks and her husband had moved out.  She was talking about it, asking for advice and my thoughts on the situation because she couldn't figure out why they had just become so disconnected.  She shared many personal details about their relationship, but none were sexual.  I asked her, "How's your sex life?  What's going on there?" She looked shocked that I even mentioned sex and she quickly said, "Oh, everything is fine in that area.  We have no problems there."

Bullshit.

My question is, why can't we talk about this stuff? Talking about it with a spouse (and that's the exact person with whom we should be talking) is extremely difficult. We don't want to hurt their feelings.  We're afraid we'll say something wrong and make things worse.  We have lost confidence that even possible to change things, so why bother?

I think it's so hard because it gets down to who we are as men and as women. It's about our emotional identity and our sexual identity and messing with those is just dangerous. It's Pandora's Box; you don't know what's in there but once it's open there's no putting it back in the box and there may be no controlling it.

But why wouldn't my friend discuss it? She couldn't hurt me by discussing it.  She wouldn't harm the friendship.

Why do we choose to be miserable, rather than talk about it?

There's another blogger who suggests that men tell their wives about their sexual expectations of them and that they explain that it is part of their marital responsibility and they will be expected to turn their husbands on and participate with enthusiasm. The problem with that is that you can't make people want you - at least not for long.

When we had been married several years, my husband made a similar demand.  I was working full time, I had a two year old at home, and I was going to graduate school.  And he wanted enthusiastic sex every other night regardless of how I felt emotionally or physically.

I tried.  I was successful for a while, too.  But then I started to dread "sex nights" because it became a huge source of stress and pressure, and I knew that if he didn't have sex that night he'd become sullen and quiet until he did.  And then there was the schedule.  If I missed a sex night, he expected that I make it up, which meant two or three nights in row. And it was my responsibility to initiate.

After several months, I couldn't handle it anymore, and sex had become no fun for me at all.  It was a chore, and at a time in my life when I was dealing with extreme stress in most areas of my life, it only added more.  It wasn't a loving communion between partners anymore. It was an oppressive control mechanism.

I finally broke down in tears one day and told him I couldn't handle it anymore.What shocked me was that he had no idea how unhappy I was.  Why?  Because I wasn't talking to him about how I was feeling and I was "performing" well in bed.

What he was really trying to tell me months before is that sex was very important to him, that he became physically and emotionally uncomfortable when he went for days or weeks without it. What he gave me instead was a command to perform.

Fast forward 20 years...... The situation is now reversed. I become physically and emotionally uncomfortable without regular sex, and he feels like sex is a chore and he has to perform.  The difference is that when we were younger, he didn't notice how I felt about it until I completely lost it. Today, I notice every sigh, reluctant touch, nod of the head when he's about to doze off.  Part of me gets very angry.  Why can't he just fake it like I was forced to do years ago?  If I could pretend that I was really into it, why can't he?

But I don't want him to pretend to be happy.  I want him to be happy. I don't want him to feel the emotions I felt back then.  I love him.

So, we keep moving forward, dealing with it as best we can.  Sometimes we talk.  Sometimes we fake it.  Sometimes we really connect and have great sex.  Sometimes I feel like a lousy wife who can't inspire her husband to want her.  Sometimes he feels like a lousy husband who can't satisfy his wife.

But we always end up looking past the sex and see our best friend.

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I genuinely appreciate all the comments and the many emails written by folks who didn't want to comment but wanted to share their own stories. If I haven't responded to you yet, please be patient.

Negotiating with Hubby

It was almost two weeks ago that I revealed my infidelity to Hubby. He told me about his a couple of months ago. Now that the "Kat is out of the bag," so to speak, we have spent the better part of the last couple of weeks deciding how we want our marriage to work.

Our starting points were almost as far apart as you can imagine.  I wanted an open marriage in which we both could have sex with others, as long as we didn't lie to each other about it. He wanted to go back to what he thought was going on before - he can have sex outside the marriage, but I remain faithful. We each vetoed the other's starting proposal.

At first, the issue was sex. He came around to, "OK, let's start over, and both of us will be faithful and honest." I met him part way with, "Sounds good, but I'll remain faithful only if you can meet my sexual needs."

As we talked, though, it became clear that sex wasn't the only issue. Hubby was also concerned about emotional fidelity (specifically, he doesn't want me becoming emotionally attached to another man - with or without a sexual relationship). I was concerned about being controlled and monitored too much, living a life with no freedom at all.  I'm not talking about sexual freedom, but the freedom to go out with friends if I want, the freedom to talk to whoever I want, and befriend whomever I choose.

My insistence on having some emotional space, coupled with my seeming nonchalance about whether he has sex with other women or not, flipped Hubby's insecurity switch, complicating our negotiations. I learned that no matter how much you tell a man that you are not going to leave him, once you have had sex with another man, he apparently will never believe you. 

I pointed out to him that he was having sex with a bunch of women over a period of years, and he didn't leave me. He clearly understands the difference between sex and love.  Why can't he believe that I know the difference, too? It seems that men are just wired to believe that they can fool around and still remain with the family, but women can't do the same. 

To a man, a woman's infidelity is a huge betrayal, but his own infidelity is just a minor indiscretion that doesn't mean he is any less devoted to his wife.

Huh?

So, how have we resolved this? So far, we have an agreement that has several components:

1. We agreed that we will talk more and keep the lines of communication open. We are doing very well with this.  I think we have talked more in the last two weeks than we have in any year of our marriage. We are checking in with each other emotionally a lot, and talking a lot more about what we each like sexually. We are also receiving couples counseling.
2. We agreed that we will remain faithful to each other - at least for now - but that either of us can bring this up for renegotiation at any time.  OK, I'll be honest.  I'm not giving up my honey. So, I'm back to a little prowling, but much less than before. In fact, we get together so infrequently that it's almost like I've given up prowling, but not.
3. We agreed that we would spend more time together to develop our relationship. This means bringing back our weekly "date night" and doing more things together.  It also means that I'll only work late if I have no other choice and that I'll try to avoid weekend work, too. If you own a business, as I do, you know that this is no small commitment.
4. We agreed that he would let me have time for myself and that he won't constantly monitor me. This means I can chat with Daunt or any other friend without his reading over my shoulder and constantly asking what we're talking about.  It means I can go out with Cara and Daunt without getting the third degree when I return. It means I can choose my own friends, and have a couple of hours a couple of times a week all to myself. This may not seem like a big deal to many of you, but I have had to lie or sneak around to get any of these for the last 23 years.

So far, the result has been that our marriage is actually better than it was before.

The most surprising change?  Our sex life. We have had sex on 11 of the last 13 nights. And not just sex, but really great sex! It seems that the idea of competition has caused Hubby to shift into high gear in the bedroom. If I had known this would happen, I would have 'fessed up much sooner. I expect it to cool down at some point, but it's really nice right now. I plan to enjoy it as long as I can.

Where do we go from here?  Who knows?  What matters is that we're still together, we love each other, and we're walking through it together.

Fool Me Once, Shame on You....

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Once upon a time there was a woman who met a man on Ashley Madison. At first, she thought he was perfect for her. They had a few things in common, and they seemed to want the same things. Seeing him would require that she break one of her biggest rules (no single guys), but she liked him. They corresponded by email and text for a while, and then they set up a time to get together.

Everything seemed to go right.  He booked the room.  It was a nice place. She enjoyed her time with him and he enjoyed his time with her.  At least she thought so. They parted with a plan to meet the next morning.  He said he'd call, but he didn't, so she called him. He said he couldn't meet that morning and that he'd call her later.

She waited.  No call.  No text messages.  No email.  The woman was confused. She thought they had a great time. As the days went by, she began to doubt. It was pretty clear to her that she was being dumped, but she wanted to reach out to him anyway.  Why?  Because she actually liked this guy. So she sent him an email asking what happened.

The man replied.  He told her he was sorry.  He explained what happened.  He asked for another chance. She weighed her options. In addition to breaking the "no single guys" rule, giving him another chance would require that she break another rule and look a little desperate, and she was most definitely not desperate.

But she liked him.  She didn't really know why, but she did.

He was good about communicating for awhile. It seemed to be going well again.  They set up a time to meet, and the arrangement was that he would call when he was in town.

She waited.  No call.

The next day, he called an apologized again.  She was understanding.  Cautious, but understanding.

Within another couple of days, the communication stropped again.

The woman felt like a fool.  She reminded herself that she has rules for a reason. This time, she didn't reach out to him. This time, she walked away like she should have the first time - like she should have before she broke any of her rules.

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on you.

Kat's Top 9 Prowling Pet Peeves

Anyone who knows me or who has been reading this blog for almost any amount of time knows that I am a pretty laid back Kat. Not much really bothers me and when it comes to prowling, I'm a "live and let live" kind of gal. Still, there are some things that really annoy me. In the spirit of helping some of you avoid these pitfalls, I've shared my top 9 pet peeves here:

1. Pre-meeting non-communication - It goes like this....you've met someone online.  You're chatting and emailing, maybe even chatting on the phone, and things seem to be going well, and then.....nothing. The communication stops.  For no apparent reason. Another scenario is that things progress just like I described and you decide to set up a meeting date for the following week.  Great.  Then you hear nothing until the day before you are supposed to meet when he expects you to be all excited about meeting.  Excuse me? That's much more like making arrangements with a prostitute than an affair.  You don't have to spend all day every day chatting, but checking in regularly matters.
2. Post-meeting non-communication - I had an experience where a man I met was very communicative and charming prior to our first meeting. Then we met, and had what was by any standard great sex. As we parted, he seemed very enthusiastic about meeting again.  Then nothing.  WTF? At minimum, your partner deserves a thank you.  If you don't plan on seeing him/her again, a decent person will bite the bullet and say so.  Just slinking away is how cowards and jerks behave. Another variation on post-meeting non-communication is when you meet, have great sex, agree to see each other again, and you hear nothing until the day you're supposed to meet again.  Now this is fine if you have both agreed that you just want to hook for sex with no other communication, but if not, it's being a jerk.
3. Constantly pressing for photos - If you have an ongoing relationship with someone, this is not a bid deal at all, but if not, this is just annoying.  Wanting a photo (or two or three) early on in the relationship is totally fine, but constantly asking for naughty photos every time you chat.....no. Let me put it another way, I have enough stress in my life as it is.  I really don't need it from someone who is supposed to help me escape the stress of my life.
4. Not making room arrangements - Look.  We all know that cheating is dangerous.  We all know that it's not easy (or sometimes even possible) to book a hotel room anonymously. Still, that doesn't mean that you should expect that the other person be the one to take the risk every time. For gosh sake, take the time to get a pre-paid credit card and deal with it.
5. Not paying for the room (or at least sharing the cost) - You're going to ask me to get the room because you're too nervous to do it yourself and then you're going to skip out without offering to pay it (or at least part of it)?  Really? Most women won't participate unless the guy takes care of all the arrangements and completely covers the cost.  It's simply expected.  Every now and then, you'll come across a gal who is willing to share the burden, but don't expect it.  Guys, be prepared to step up and handle this.There has only been one guy I saw more than once who wouldn't pay for the room for the first visit (yeah, he was pretty special) and only one for whom I would book the room every time (also very special guy).  
6. Leaving cash on the nightstand - This is just my personal pet peeve.  I'm sure it doesn't bother all women but it makes me nuts. I knew one guy who would always leave $50 on the nightstand as we were getting dressed and ready to go, regardless of who booked or paid for the room.  he was "just helping out" because he knew I had gone to some expense to meet him.  Eeeewwww.  I may be a slut.  I may act like a whore.  But I'm not a prostitute. To do it once is a misunderstanding.  To do it multiple times after I explain how I feel about is just insulting.
7. Just assuming that going bareback is ok with me - WTF?  The use of condoms should be discussed before the meeting.  Another peeve in this area is when we discuss using a condom, and the guy shows up without any.  Are you serious? You really think I'm going to be so horny that I'll say, "Oh, ok.....let's just do it anyway?" Yes, I have gotten up, dressed, and walked away in a situation like this. And then there are the ones who bring only one condom. That just makes me laugh.
8. Showing up unannounced - I like a sweet surprise as much as the next gal, but showing up at my office unannounced just freaks me out. You never know if my husband is going to be here or someone else who will be suspicious because of your presence, not to mention the fact that I may just not want to see you right then. Just don't do it, please.
9. Lying about your appearance or the size of your....you know - I am very up front about my appearance.  No secrets, no surprises.  I'll send a photo taken within the past two weeks.  Heck, I'll take one with my phone right now and send it if that's better. So why do some of you guys insist on using the 10 year old photo? I once heard of someone who actually used someone else's photo.  Also, about cock size, please don't lie about that either.  I'm not even going to ask about that.  If you have read my post, Does Size Matter?, you'll understand better why I don't. Even though I don't ask about it, guys often offer the information.  Imagine my surprise when we meet and I learn that they were either 4 inches off or they "forgot" to indicate they were using the metric system and they were really speaking in millimeters rather than inches. 

If you get nothing else from this post, please know that lying (about anything) is always worse for a first meeting than telling the truth. Cheating requires a certain amount of trust.  Yes, I completely understand the complexity of the issue - cheaters are inherently dishonest because the act requires lying to - or withholding truth from - one's spouse. In spite of this, your partner is not going to want to meet you unless she trusts you, at least to some degree.

Whew....this one was no fun to write, but somebody had to do it so you prowlers don't make these mistakes. I'm happy to sacrifice for the cause.

As I was writing this list of pet peeves, though, I started thinking about some of the wonderful and sweet things that some of my prowling partners have said and done for me over the years. I'll share some of those soon.