If you've been reading this blog for more than a week, you know that I love my husband. I love him very much. He's an important part of my life, and I will never leave him. Never.
But our sex life is....I don't even know the right words to describe it. There have been periods over the last 25 years when we have gone over a year without sex. There have been many periods when the dry spell lasted months or weeks. Last summer/fall we tried to revitalize our sex life and it got really good and frequent for about three months, then it slowly started limping back to the routine.
Most, although not all, of his desire for sex is gone these days. We have sex primarily because he wants to keep me from leaving him. So I get "serviced" a few times a week. I know some of you guys out there know exactly what I'm talking about. It's passionless. Sometimes it's loving, which is nice, but usually it's just routine. I feel like I'm one of his household chores and, to be honest, that feeling breaks my heart. It makes me feel like less of a wife, less of a woman.
I'll try different positions, role playing, reading erotica to him, whatever. It may work for a night, but the routine creeps back overnight.
Have we talked about it? Ad nauseum. But the bottom line is that I can't make him want sex. I can't make him want sex with me. Still, I know he's trying. What he would rather do is just not deal with it, pretend there is no problem and go to sleep, but I won't let him. Correction. I would gladly let him do that, but he's haunted by the fear that I'll fall in love with a fuck buddy and leave him - which will never happen - but I completely understand the fear. So, we both keep trying.
Have we tried counseling? Yup. We're still going, and the sessions go in circles sometimes. We'll keep going mainly because it demonstrates to him that I'm committed to our relationship. I don't expect it to solve much, but it has helped to some degree. At least we can talk about it now, and that sure beats the uncomfortable silence about sexual issues we've lived with for the last decade or so.
When you reach this point in a long term marriage, it's no one's fault. It's painful for both of us. And we know that the odds are that it will get worse, not better. His interest in sex, in general, is going to continue to decline and mine is showing no signs of slowing down. In fact, it's increasing. He gets to live with he pain of not be able to fully satisfy his wife's sexual needs, and I get to live with the pain of knowing that I won't be able to have a satisfying sexual relationship with the man I love - for the rest of my life (or his). Remaining sexually faithful means that I accept that I will probably never have passionate, hot sex again with a man who really wants me. Ouch. This was something we never considered when we got married with a nearly 20 year age difference between us.
To those who find fault with my decision and the decision of others like me, I say, walk in my shoes for awhile before you judge. Better yet, spend some time in my bed. ;-)
To give you an idea of what I'm talking about, here's how sex with Hubby went last night....along with the thoughts that flashed through my head (in italics)....
We went to bed a little later than normal because our youngest kept bouncing up out of bed. Those of you with kids know how that is. Once he was finally asleep, we settled in. Hubby scooched over to my side of the bed and started kissing me while his hand slid up to one of my boobs. His kisses were nice, deep, wet kisses. Mmmm. I knew he didn't really want sex, but it had been a few days so it was time to "service" me. Great.
Why doesn't he ever kiss me like that when he doesn't want sex? And I'll bet this lasts for a total of 60 seconds, just long enough for him to check the "foreplay" box on his checklist. At least he's trying...and when he does kiss me, he's a pretty good kisser. It has been about a minute, now it's time for his hand to move down....
Hubby's hand moved down to my pussy. I spread my legs open a little and he slid a finger between my lips.
Ahhhh....now yer talkin'.
Hubby asked, "Do you want to play with Spartacus?"
Let me think for a minute...YES! That's like asking me, "Honey, do you want to cum?"
"Sure," I replied. "That would be nice." I reached into the drawer next to me and pulled out Spartacus and handed it to him.
As I handed Hubby the toy, he sighed.
What the fuck was that? A sigh? Is this too much trouble for you? You know, I can do this by myself. Or I can do this with someone else.
I asked, "Is there a problem?" He sighed again. "No, no. It's ok." "What's ok?" I asked. "Nothing," he answered."Do we need any lube?" I put his hand back on my wet pussy again, and asked, "What do you think?" He smiled and turned Spartacus on.
He started rubbing the vibrator on my clit, and I started moaning immediately.
Nice. Very nice.
Then he started sucking on one of my nipples and moving the vibe around.
What's he doing?
I took his hand and moved it back to my clit again and told him to just hold it there, don't move. I'll move. I started rocking my hips forward and back, moving against the vibe. Dang, that felt good. As he sucked on my nipple, I got close to coming quickly, pumping my hips a little faster.
Suddenly, the vibe moved out of position.
Uuugghhhhh. I was so close! What the heck happened?
I reached down to move his hand back into position. That's when I realized it.
No fucking way!
He had fallen asleep.
Now what? Do I wake him up? Do I just finish myself? Do we talk about it? Do I tell him how I insignificant and unattractive I feel because he can't even stay awake during sex that he initiated? Do I just let it go?
It took everything in me to keep from crying, but that would just make it worse. I took Spartacus out of his hand and turned it off. That jarred him awake. He kissed me. He said sleepily, "Wanna suck on my cock for a while?"
Are you kidding me????
"Sure, " I replied.
He got up on his knees in the bed and I leaned over on my elbow and started sucking him. I know how to make him cum quickly, so that's the mode I went into. It was clear he was enjoying it.
Oh? You're awake now? How nice.
Before he came, I stopped and told him I wanted him to fuck me, hoping that maybe I'd get to come that way. He sighed....again.
What's with the sighs?
He paused a long time before he answered, but I had already moved into position when he finally said, "Okay." He entered me from behind, which felt fantastic and he fucked me nice and hard. In about 60-90 seconds, just when it started to feel really good for me and I was actually thinking I might get to come, he was done.
As he cleaned up, he said, "That was great, Honey! Thanks! Did you enjoy it, too?" I pretended I didn't hear and shuffled off to the bathroom to clean up.
In a few minutes, the lights were off and we were in bed again. "I love you, Kat," Hubby said. I replied, "I love you, too, Hubby." And I meant it.
So, I have another 2-3 days before the next round of unsatisfying sexual humiliation at my house. It turns out that that is just the amount of time I need to forget how sad and hurt I am and to start feeling better about myself. Then it will happen again, or some variation of it.
Some of you understand. Some of you don't. Some of you judge me harshly.
For those of you who get it, you're not alone. For those of you who don't, I pray that you never have to live with a situation like this for so long that you come to understand it. For your sake, I hope you never get it.
But this is why I cheat.
26 comments:
I really wish I didn't get it. But I do. Sigh.
I find fault with your decisions to cheat on your husband... and since your shoes are probably too small for me, then I guess that I'll just have to spend sometime in your bed.
That's a bed without your husband, right?
I get it all too well, only your sex sounds a bit hotter (it's all relative right).
I think he is a lucky man and since he has cheated on you with no real consequences I don't think he has much to complain about.
He should be extremely grateful.
The servicing interval for me was 4-8 weeks.
Kat, my heart literally hurts for you, probably because of the similarities of some experiences. My spouse falling asleep while going down on me. Being told that I was "badgering" her for sex, even though it had been weeks since we'd had any real physical intimacy. I finally became sick and tired of being rejected and feeling like having a high sex drive was a bad thing. I love to give in bed and I love how my body responds when I have an interested lover. I send you care and compassion... AND if I lived by you I'd take you out for a tequila shot!
I UNDERSTAND!!! I UNDERSTAND!!! PICK ME!! PICK ME!!! Omg! I've been trying to describe this to my readers and potential lovers forever and they just can't figure it out! Thank you! FINALLY! Someone gets it!
At some point hubby may need to reconcile love and support with allowing you to get what you need in terms of sexual satisfaction.
That is a tough but necessary conversation. And one therapist probably are not accustomed to discussing although they may be able to help in terms of facilitating a discussion. It may be worth a try.
This breaks my heart. I give you all the credit in the world for trying so hard.
Pshew, it hurt just reading this. How awful. I feel for you, but what made me most curious (as I am not a regular reader) is what gets HIM off. It seems like he's not completely anti-sex here, there just isn't a "thing" that is getting you both to want to have sex together. (Sorry, I'm sure if I read regularly this might have already been explained.) I am not 100% anti infidelity. I think there are situations in which a relationship can benefit from each partner finding satisfaction and happiness outside of the relationship. Not the cleanest of solutions, but life is messy and so is sex.
Sorry for your situation and sorry that you get judged harshly by some. You are trying to make some lemonade out of a lemon of a situation. Good luck.
FD
This anon...the one who has been soooo critical. Now I understand. My pen rests...may you find peace, solution, and most of all, sexual satisfaction that meets all of your needs (both passionate and companionate).
God I wish this wasn't the story of my relationship too. I think most often it's the flip side where it's the woman avoiding so it is much harder maybe for people to get that many women have needs just as strong as men and we need to be craved and attended to or else we look elsewhere.
Beautifully written; heartbreakingly honest.
That age difference really comes back to bite you in the butt. I bet not many couples stop to consider the potential for sexual incompatibility, when the dude is the older one!, that is inherent in having that great an age disparity. I thought you had some success with Viagra, doesn't that at least help?
Wow.. Anti-inspirational reading, now I am even more scared. I am sorry that this is the situation in your marriage. After 2,5 years of being married, this sounds a bit familiar.. the chore.. I feel I Have to do it, and I feel she feels she Has to do it too. Most of all, I miss feeling Wanted. I find that in my sex partner (who interestingly is also in 20-year difference relationship, but still claims to be happy!). I hope the best, maybe I am like you husband, if so I will get my act together :-) Good luck with it all and thanks for a great post
I am one of those husbands who could go without sex with my wife for a month and not miss it. W do have sex at least once a week, sometimes twice, but it is usually the routine of her prodding me to get started.
I know I am the bad guy in this scenario, or at least I feel guilty that I can't force myself to crave her. It has nothing to do with body issues or weight, typical things husbands seem to complain about. I know it is all mental. There are simply ugly truths about my wife's demeanor that I cannot get beyond.
So, even when she has such genuine fondness for me and clearly she loves me, I can only reciprocate with politeness and pleasantness.
Thankfully for her and thankfully for my guilt, she cums easily. We are not afraid to use toys or fantasy talk to get us in the mood (my fantasies center around her fucking other men) and our encounters are usually quick and with very little passion on my side.
She has had my "permission" (not even the appropriate word) to have others, and in the past has done so, but her preference is to just live with it and probably use her toys a lot while I'm at work.
I totally understand why you cheat. I just don't understand why my wife doesn't cheat.
Great post. I agree with jfbreak. My husband has demeanor issues I too struggle to move past. That coupled with his lack of inititation (that is my job) and fulfilling my simple request of "noticing" me, has created lack of passion on my part. I am not a switch that can be "turned on". I do my part in keeping the sex alive as it makes life easier, discussing it doesn't work anymore, and I have needs as well. I have recently joined the infidelity world and have never been happier. I feel desired, have amazing sex and have my family life as well. I was drowning prior. I was loosing a bit of myself and couldn't imagine another 20-30 years on the same path. I love my husband and will never leave. In some ways, I am now a better wife and mother. Kat, thank you for sharing your genuine thoughts. I am sorry this too is happening to you. I would be curious to see how many married couples are sexually satisfied. I heard someone say the other day, "Marriage is good for a lot of things. Sex isn't one of them.". I'd have to agree.
"He fell asleep."
Unfortunately, I understand...but my husband is less than *2* years older than me. And he's only 30! WTF? Where are we going to be in 10 years? 20? 40?
I hate cheating because I love husband dearly, but I love cheating because it gives me the intense, hot sex that I crave. Why are men who are just acquaintances willing to fulfill my fantasies, but my own husband won't?
I always feel unattractive and unwanted with husband. Why else wouldn't he want to have sex with me? I've tried dressing up, shaping up, changing the routine up, and nada. There's no medical explanation for his lack of interest, and even though he loves talking dirty to me about the things he's doing to me later, they never happen!
Nobody can judge until they've been here. It *is* a huge heartbreak. Daily.
Kat, I'd really like to thank you for opening up this discussion. It has been eye opening to hear from both men and women.
I've recently been told by my wife that any pursuit of her just makes her feel guilty because she has no physical desire toward me whatsoever.
And although I haven't cheated yet, I understand the frustration and have had to seek validation online from people (who were initially strangers), that I can in fact be desirable.
Every couple has their story, on both sides, but it is so frustrating, embarrassing and sometimes shameful to be on the receiving end of chronically being turned down and then being given the bare minimum out of pity.
OMG... it hurts to see my parallel life written out in such articulate detail. This is why we do what we do.
Long time reader here--commenting for the first time.
That was painful to read, and it's really sad that you have to endure humiliation during the course of something that would otherwise be so intense, so intimate and incredible.
The first thing that occurred to me is that maybe he's still interested in sex---but not with you (i.e., maybe you've gained too much weight or have otherwise become unattractive or something like that). But the sighs and falling asleep during the act---those are signs of a man who is lazy & selfish and besides just isn't physically up to the sex act. Not making an effort to do right by his wife is effectively thumbing his nose at a core marital obligation. Has he made any effort to get checked out? Have you guys tried viagra?
In any case, this post definitely puts things in context---I feel like I understand you a lot better.
Wow...I love this post, for so many reasons. Mostly, it's your honesty (as usual). I personally get your situation. Thankfully, not through experience. I have a man who would either let me go or give me permission far before it got to this point. Hell...we have a great sex life and he gives me permission. But, we have had our ups and downs - all marriages/long-term relationships do. From the comments here, it seems tragically common for people to just "suck it up" and accept it. I say "poppycock" to that. And I wouldn't suggest cheating - though I don't judge you for choosing that route. Relationships are hard. There's just no way around that; and we all deal with them differently. I really appreciate that you share the ins and outs of your journey here. This is how we all learn. From each other.
At first i thought is was Ms. I who spoke for me and of our similar situations. But no, it is you who knows what I know, who speaks to me as friend would, and who has the honesty and ability to communicate some very deep feelings.
Thank you for sharing, for allowing others to identify with you, and for casting a light on such issues.
Kat, I understand to the point of wondering if I wrote your post myself!
Everything you said echoes exactly what happens with me too. Now I need to tell you something......
Have your husband checked out for heart problems. My husband lost interest in sex over 10 years ago, and investigations found he had hardening of the arteries which was slowing the blood supply to his penis and as a result he didn't have much feeling or urges there. He's since had a heart bypass but I'm sad to say nothing much has changed.
I am so sorry... but unfortunately I get it too...
We have moments of great sex with very long droughts in between...
She told me she was a morning sex person so I have tried to get that going, although I can only try that on the weekends now. So I can go weeks or months without anything.
I feel your pain.
Pump up the old guy's testosterone, and insist on afternoon naps.
I just discovered your blog tonite, so I haven't read far. But my first thought was that he needs a full physical, bloodwork, and a candid conversation with his physician. It might not solve the problem, but would rule out any medical issues. (Forgive me if you've already been down this path.)
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