If you've been reading this blog for more than a week, you know that I love my husband. I love him very much. He's an important part of my life, and I will never leave him. Never.
But our sex life is....I don't even know the right words to describe it. There have been periods over the last 25 years when we have gone over a year without sex. There have been many periods when the dry spell lasted months or weeks. Last summer/fall we tried to revitalize our sex life and it got really good and frequent for about three months, then it slowly started limping back to the routine.
Most, although not all, of his desire for sex is gone these days. We have sex primarily because he wants to keep me from leaving him. So I get "serviced" a few times a week. I know some of you guys out there know exactly what I'm talking about. It's passionless. Sometimes it's loving, which is nice, but usually it's just routine. I feel like I'm one of his household chores and, to be honest, that feeling breaks my heart. It makes me feel like less of a wife, less of a woman.
I'll try different positions, role playing, reading erotica to him, whatever. It may work for a night, but the routine creeps back overnight.
Have we talked about it? Ad nauseum. But the bottom line is that I can't make him want sex. I can't make him want sex with me. Still, I know he's trying. What he would rather do is just not deal with it, pretend there is no problem and go to sleep, but I won't let him. Correction. I would gladly let him do that, but he's haunted by the fear that I'll fall in love with a fuck buddy and leave him - which will never happen - but I completely understand the fear. So, we both keep trying.
Have we tried counseling? Yup. We're still going, and the sessions go in circles sometimes. We'll keep going mainly because it demonstrates to him that I'm committed to our relationship. I don't expect it to solve much, but it has helped to some degree. At least we can talk about it now, and that sure beats the uncomfortable silence about sexual issues we've lived with for the last decade or so.
When you reach this point in a long term marriage, it's no one's fault. It's painful for both of us. And we know that the odds are that it will get worse, not better. His interest in sex, in general, is going to continue to decline and mine is showing no signs of slowing down. In fact, it's increasing. He gets to live with he pain of not be able to fully satisfy his wife's sexual needs, and I get to live with the pain of knowing that I won't be able to have a satisfying sexual relationship with the man I love - for the rest of my life (or his). Remaining sexually faithful means that I accept that I will probably never have passionate, hot sex again with a man who really wants me. Ouch. This was something we never considered when we got married with a nearly 20 year age difference between us.
To those who find fault with my decision and the decision of others like me, I say, walk in my shoes for awhile before you judge. Better yet, spend some time in my bed. ;-)
To give you an idea of what I'm talking about, here's how sex with Hubby went last night....along with the thoughts that flashed through my head (in italics)....
We went to bed a little later than normal because our youngest kept bouncing up out of bed. Those of you with kids know how that is. Once he was finally asleep, we settled in. Hubby scooched over to my side of the bed and started kissing me while his hand slid up to one of my boobs. His kisses were nice, deep, wet kisses. Mmmm. I knew he didn't really want sex, but it had been a few days so it was time to "service" me. Great.
Why doesn't he ever kiss me like that when he doesn't want sex? And I'll bet this lasts for a total of 60 seconds, just long enough for him to check the "foreplay" box on his checklist. At least he's trying...and when he does kiss me, he's a pretty good kisser. It has been about a minute, now it's time for his hand to move down....
Hubby's hand moved down to my pussy. I spread my legs open a little and he slid a finger between my lips.
Ahhhh....now yer talkin'.
Hubby asked, "Do you want to play with Spartacus?"
Let me think for a minute...YES! That's like asking me, "Honey, do you want to cum?"
"Sure," I replied. "That would be nice." I reached into the drawer next to me and pulled out Spartacus and handed it to him.
As I handed Hubby the toy, he sighed.
What the fuck was that? A sigh? Is this too much trouble for you? You know, I can do this by myself. Or I can do this with someone else.
I asked, "Is there a problem?" He sighed again. "No, no. It's ok." "What's ok?" I asked. "Nothing," he answered."Do we need any lube?" I put his hand back on my wet pussy again, and asked, "What do you think?" He smiled and turned Spartacus on.
He started rubbing the vibrator on my clit, and I started moaning immediately.
Nice. Very nice.
Then he started sucking on one of my nipples and moving the vibe around.
What's he doing?
I took his hand and moved it back to my clit again and told him to just hold it there, don't move. I'll move. I started rocking my hips forward and back, moving against the vibe. Dang, that felt good. As he sucked on my nipple, I got close to coming quickly, pumping my hips a little faster.
Suddenly, the vibe moved out of position.
Uuugghhhhh. I was so close! What the heck happened?
I reached down to move his hand back into position. That's when I realized it.
No fucking way!
He had fallen asleep.
Now what? Do I wake him up? Do I just finish myself? Do we talk about it? Do I tell him how I insignificant and unattractive I feel because he can't even stay awake during sex that he initiated? Do I just let it go?
It took everything in me to keep from crying, but that would just make it worse. I took Spartacus out of his hand and turned it off. That jarred him awake. He kissed me. He said sleepily, "Wanna suck on my cock for a while?"
Are you kidding me????
"Sure, " I replied.
He got up on his knees in the bed and I leaned over on my elbow and started sucking him. I know how to make him cum quickly, so that's the mode I went into. It was clear he was enjoying it.
Oh? You're awake now? How nice.
Before he came, I stopped and told him I wanted him to fuck me, hoping that maybe I'd get to come that way. He sighed....again.
What's with the sighs?
He paused a long time before he answered, but I had already moved into position when he finally said, "Okay." He entered me from behind, which felt fantastic and he fucked me nice and hard. In about 60-90 seconds, just when it started to feel really good for me and I was actually thinking I might get to come, he was done.
As he cleaned up, he said, "That was great, Honey! Thanks! Did you enjoy it, too?" I pretended I didn't hear and shuffled off to the bathroom to clean up.
In a few minutes, the lights were off and we were in bed again. "I love you, Kat," Hubby said. I replied, "I love you, too, Hubby." And I meant it.
So, I have another 2-3 days before the next round of unsatisfying sexual humiliation at my house. It turns out that that is just the amount of time I need to forget how sad and hurt I am and to start feeling better about myself. Then it will happen again, or some variation of it.
Some of you understand. Some of you don't. Some of you judge me harshly.
For those of you who get it, you're not alone. For those of you who don't, I pray that you never have to live with a situation like this for so long that you come to understand it. For your sake, I hope you never get it.
But this is why I cheat.