Matthew, Chapter 1

Just a day after TommyKat noticed the word c-o-c-k in something I was writing, we had another interesting experience. He and I were reading Matthew, Chapter 1, from the New Testament of the Bible.  For those of you who haven't read your Bibles in a while (or ever), the highlights of Matthew, Chapter 1, are the ancestry of Jesus and Joseph finding out that Mary is pregnant - and he knows he didn't do it, so he plans to dump her quietly.  He gets a visit in a dream from an angel who tells him that the Holy Spirit was responsible for the pregnancy and that he should go ahead and marry Mary. We also learn that they marry, but don't consummate the marriage until after Jesus is born.

That's all simple and straightforward, right? We had a little discussion about what we read and then TommyKat, age 10, started asking questions. He kept asking questions for a very long time. Because I'm a believer that if a child is old enough to ask a question, he's old enough for an honest answer, I answered each question as directly and honestly as possible.

Here's just a sample of the questions TommyKat fired at me over the next couple of hours (in no particular order):

• What does "consummate the marriage" mean?
• If Mary got pregnant without having sex, was that like artificial insemination?
• Is it a normal thing for the Holy Spirit to make women pregnant?
• What's an erection?
• What's masturbation?
• How does masturbation work?
• Why to people masturbate?
• How do women masturbate?
• What does it mean when a girl gets her period?
• Why can't men get pregnant?
• What is the cause of "morning wood?"
• How does a condom keep a woman from getting pregnant?
• Do women get pregnant every time they have sex without a condom?
• Is masturbation a sin?
• What does the Bible say about masturbation?
• Why are some kids called "unwanted children?"
• When a guy goes to donate sperm, how do they get it out of him?
• What makes a man "aroused?"
• Do men and women like sex the same amount?
• What's an orgasm?
• Do women get orgasms, too?
• How is a woman's orgasm different than a man's?
• So women can have sex without having an orgasm?  Why?
• How does a condom work?  Can I see one?
• When is a woman too old to have any more babies?
• Are you too old to have more babies?
• If a woman gets too old to have kids, does she stop having sex?
• Do you and Dad still have sex even though you guys are really, really old?
• How do lesbian women get pregnant?
• Is it true that there are tampon machines in women's restrooms?

Oh. my. gosh. All I wanted was a quick little Bible reading and discussion at the start of our day, just like we've had on many other days, and instead  I was quizzed about sex for over two hours by a prepubescent boy. And I still hadn't had my coffee yet.

Where was Hubby during all of this?  He wasn't home, of course.  He was safe at the office, far away from  ground zero.  I did leave a few questions for him ("I think you and your dad should talk about that."), mostly questions about wet dreams, if a guy can control when he gets an erection, and how you put on a condom.

Because Hubby was planning on making a stop at the grocery store to buy milk on the way home, I sent him a text. "Please pick up some condoms at the store.  TommyKat wants you to show him how they work."

This was his reply:

This morning, I heard the two of them chatting in the living room.  Hubby was answering questions and then I could tell there was a condom demonstration going on. I made sure to keep myself busy in another room until they were finished.

When I was sure it was safe, I wandered into the living room in time to kiss Hubby goodbye as he headed out for the day. I leaned forward and grabbed the banana that was on the coffee table and asked, "Is this your banana?"

TommyKat answered, "No, but that's the one Dad was using to show me how to put on a condom."

"Oh," I said casually as I peeled it. "That's nice."

"Are you going to eat that?!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, that was my plan," I answered.

"But we were pretending it was a penis, and a condom was on it, and you're going to put it in your mouth?!? Ewwww!"

I just smiled and took a bite.

9 Things to Think About Before You Cheat

I have been having a very interesting email exchange with a gentleman over the last couple of days that has some real potential. It got me thinking, though, about the whole "before you cheat" phase of a relationship. There are some important things to be considered before you make the decision to cheat. 

As you read the list, please keep in mind that I don't mean to freak you out, but the decision you are about to make is not an inconsequential one. It could impact your children, your entire family, if you are not careful. It should definitely not be entered into lightly.

1. Are you sure you really want to do this? If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you know my #1 piece of advice for folks who haven't cheated yet is, "Don't do it." Why?  Because you can't turn back the clock. Infidelity is a pretty big bell that you can never un-ring. Obviously, I can't say that there aren't many wonderful pleasures that can be found in prowling (mmm..picture me smiling and getting wet as I think about a few...), but think carefully about it before you start.
2. What do you really want? Don't just say, "sex."  That's too easy. Think beyond that.  Do you want a one night stand?  Do you want a short term fling?  Do you want an emotional relationship with a sexual component?  Do you want a long term affair?  I know, most of you dogs out there just scratched your horny little heads in confusion thinking, "Uh...is it really that complicated?"  Well, it can be.  If you find a woman who wants an emotional relationship with sex and all you want is a short term fling, you may end up with a problem on your hands (can you spell s-t-a-l-k-e-r?).
3. Are you prepared to risk the consequences of getting caught by your spouse? No, you can't just say that you won't get caught. No one starts cheating thinking they will be caught  Everyone hopes and assumes they won't be caught, yet many are. If you can't handle the consequences of getting caught, don't do it. Period.
4. Have you thought about logistics? Take a look at 10 Tips for Cheating on Your Spouse and Kat's Advice for Prowling Men. These posts will give you some advice about logistics and other things you should consider in advance.
5. How much about your life are you willing to share with someone new? Some people like to share a lot about themselves and others don't.  Don't be caught off guard and end up spilling all sorts of information you had hoped to keep private just because you didn't think about it in advance.
6. Are you sure you are disease free? Do me a favor. Go get yourself tested.  You may think that there is no possible way you could have an STD because you have only been with your wife and she's too frigid or too moral (or whatever) to have been with anyone else, but think about this:  If you are bored with your sex life and want some thrills, she may have beat you to it. Or maybe she had a one-time fling with someone a couple of years ago and managed to keep the secret.  Many STDs are symptom-free in the early stages.  Go get checked out so you can honestly tell your new honey-on-the-side that you're clean. By the way, I am 100% certain that my husband would swear I have never, ever cheated and that I never would. Does that make you think twice about your own spouse?  It should.
7. How are you going to be sure you don't bring any diseases home? Yeah, I know you hate condoms.  No one likes them, but not using them is extremely risky.  And here's the real truth - most married people who cheat do not use condoms.  That should scare the hell out of you because if that sweet little new piece of ass you're thinking of screwing has cheated even once, it's likely that she did it without a condom. 
8. Do you have enough time to cheat? This falls under the logistics topic, but it's a big enough deal to be addressed on its own. If your life is too full now, you may not have time for this, and if that's the case, you could end up making some stupid mistakes (changing habits quickly, etc.) that would draw attention to your behavior and increase the likelihood of being caught.
9. Are you able to lie to your spouse? Lying to my husband is the worst part about prowling for me.  I love the man.  I feel terribly guilty for lying to him, but I do it anyway (No, I don't feel nearly as guilty about coming in another man's arms or sucking my honey-on-the-side's gorgeous cock. Go figure.). If you are incapable of lying to your spouse, that's a wonderful thing!  It also means you won't be able to cheat without getting caught.

Like I said before, I'm not trying to freak you out.  I just want you to make your decisions about prowling like a grown up, rather than a horny dog. More than once I've entered into an affair with a man who got into it and then realized that he hadn't considered many of these things.  That's when it can get uncomfortable, and it doesn't have to be. Remember, prowling is supposed to be fun! It can be awesome if you go into it with a little preparation and with your eyes wide open.

Then you can enjoy letting your honey-on-the-side blindfold you.  ;-)