Give Me More Choices

There should be more choices in life, particularly in one's relationship status on Facebook. I get only one choice, so I picked, "Married."  But what if I could pick more than one status?

The Intimacy Challenge

There's no rule book for this lifestyle.  I wish there were. I've written a whole bunch of tips and I still believe they are valid, good guidelines, but there are still parts that I haven't been able to master.

Intimacy is one of them. It's not that I haven't had intimacy with anyone other than my husband.  To the contrary, I've been blessed with a number of intimate relationships, and I am grateful for every one.

The problem is that I tend to give away too much of myself in pursuit of intimacy. I charge right in and give my heart away freely and am more than willing to do my part to maintain and grow the relationship, but when it becomes clear that the other person isn't, I just keep giving and giving and giving, hoping that he'll figure it out and come around. You know what? They never do.

Don't get me wrong.  Not every prowling relationship needs to be an emotionally intimate one.  I've had some fantastic fuck buddy relationships that were absolutely wonderful...for what they were. You can read about a bunch of them in the archives. J, P, and C were/are all great examples of this type of relationship.  It's fun. It's exciting. But it's not intimate.

When I say I need a rule book, that's not to say that I haven't learned anything, because I definitely have.  For example, if your lover says he wants an emotionally intimate relationship with you but he rarely, if ever, has time for any substantive conversations or email, he's showing you what he really wants - and it's not intimacy. If the only time he has time for you is when it's time for fucking, he's made it very clear what he wants, regardless of what he says. So why do you keep trying to push him toward intimacy? He wants a fuck buddy. Accept it. Be a fuck buddy or move on.

Here's another example. If a man tells you that he doesn't love you and he's not going to, what should you get from that? That he doesn't love you and he's not going to. I can't imagine why someone would say that in that way to someone they claim to care about, but that's beside the point. Here's what I tend to hear - that he doesn't love me, yet. However, when he continues by saying that he's not going to, that pretty much negates the possibility of "yet." This man either wants to be a fuck buddy or a friend. The conundrum I have is that my close friends, the very few I have, love me. Do I even know how to have a close friendship with someone who says upfront that he's not going to love me?  I don't know. Yeah, it confuses me, too.

Want another example? What does it mean when a very close intimate friend quits communicating with you? No, this isn't a trick question, but it seems to be for me sometimes. The answer is: The relationship is over. If the communication is only one way, it's not communication. If the intimacy is only flowing one way, it's not intimacy.

Now that I've said all that, here's a very important thing to remember - None of those guys are wrong. Maybe they could have expressed themselves better or more directly, but they each made their intentions clear either through what they said or through their actions. They didn't lie. They didn't intentionally try to be hurtful, even if they were. They did their best. That's all we can really ask, isn't it?

They just suck at intimacy. Just like me, only they suck at it by not giving enough of themselves and I suck at it by giving too much.

This is just general relationship stuff.  It has nothing to do with prowling.  When you add the infidelity dynamic it just stirs it up so what was a little messy becomes mud.

The bottom line question is: How much of yourself are you willing to give away in pursuit of intimacy? If the other person has made it clear they don't want that with you (like my examples above), the answer should be NOTHING. If it's the right person and he/she is capable and willing of giving as much a you do, my answer is EVERYTHING because it is, without question, worth it.

TMI Tuesday 9/13/11 with DauntlessD

This weeks TMI Tuesday questions are on Dating.

1. You’re on a speed date. You’ve got 7 minutes with the potential partner. You already know the person’s name. What are the first three questions you would ask?

What was the last adventurous thing you did?

What was the last conversation you had with your mother like?

On a vacation, would you prefer quiet solitude or shopping and nightlife?

That second question... I have no idea why it popped in my head, but it would likely provide some insight to a woman, don't you think?

2. Have you ever participated in speed dating? Did you get a regular date/second date out of it?

No, I've never tried speed dating. However I do know someone who got married as a result of s speed date.

3. Do you participate in online dating? How many dates have you had as a result of online dating sites/matches?

Yes, back in the pre-internet days we had what were called BBS's (Bulletin Board Systems), I've met an enormous amount of people online; had quite a few dates etc. too.

More recently there was Ashley Madison, if you can call that "online dating". Over the past 10 months or so I engaged in quite a lot conversation with roughly a dozen women of which about half of those I met in person, and only 2 of which I honestly liked; Kat and Madison. I found I wasn't interested in the quick hook-up. You can read a bit more about this in my last post, DauntlessD Exposed.

4. You are attracted to:

a. Who people are? This is by far what most attracts me, the person them self. Their compassion, their sense of humor, the types of things they enjoy etc.

b. What people have? This has little to do with what attracts me. I suppose it can tell a little about how responsible a person is, like if they're living beyond what they can afford; but beyond that -- dirt poor or rich -- who they are is more important to me.

c. What they can do? Nope, also not very important to me. Of course a guy is going to like a gal that can cook -- and vice-versa -- but this one could easily cross over into using them couldn't it?

5. What “little red flag” will cause you to end a date or immediately decide this person isn’t for you?

This one is hard for me, it could be a number of things; insincerity comes to mind... Immaturity too. Once after I'd been seeing a gal for a bit I was invited to dinner at her apartment. She asked me to pick up something from the store and I brought her the wrong brand. She threw herself on her couch in what looked like a little girls tantrum. My eyebrows shot up and alarm bells started going off in my head.

6. What do you feel you need to sacrifice or have sacrificed to be a part of a relationship?

This one is something I've been reflecting on a lot lately. I've come to realize that you must not parts of your personality. It's easy to do early on, it feels like a small thing. Then it bubbles up later. But to answer the question, time, comes to mind. You need to sacrifice some of your time to grow and cultivate a relationship.

7. If you cooked for your date, what would you cook?

I am a decent cook, but I am a god at the barbecue. I could do a nice pasta dish of some sort, but I'd most likely do shark, steak, or salmon on the grill. It would depend on what she liked.

8. At the end of a first date, how would you kiss your date?

a. Press your lips against theirs - if I liked her, but she seemed nervous.

b. Gentle kiss on the cheek - if I liked her, but she was young enough to be my daughter.

c. Lots o’ tongue, like you’re on a tonsil exploration - If I really liked her and she was engaging and not nervous.

d. I don’t kiss on the first date - what kind of a lame option is this?

Bonus: You just put up a profile on a dating site. You must describe yourself in 10 words or less. What are your 10 words?

Vince Rizzo, Clam Digger.

So sad. The odds are that most of you have no idea what the hell I'm referencing.

Thanks again TMI Tuesday Blog!

Kat Clarification - Fucking is not Dating

I was reading another blog recently that was discussing online dating. Specifically, the author was asking readers how many people they had met online and "dated." This is a pet peeve of mine, Prowlers.

Fucking is not dating. 

Let's discuss the difference.

What is dating? Because I only cite the most reliable sources, here's what Wikipedia has to say about dating:

"Dating is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. While the term has several senses, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple."

If you are connecting with someone at a hotel, getting a room, fucking yourselves silly, and then going back to work (or home), you're not engaging in a social activity in public as a "couple."  In fact, you probably go to some lengths to make it look like you are not arriving or leaving as a couple, right?

And you're probably not checking out each other's suitability as a partner or spouse.  That's what all of that scintillating email and chat was about.  By the time you're in the hotel room, you've already decided that your date fuck buddy is suitable acceptable not too bad, and you're in, so to speak.

As for their suitability as a spouse, if you're prowling you already have a spouse and you're probably looking for playmates who are not suitable to marry because they are already married or they are forbidden in some other way.  For example, bad boy who spends hours every day at the gym because he doesn't have a job and who drives up on a motorcycle might be perfect as a fuck buddy. He's hot (good fuck buddy trait), but he doesn't work (bad husband trait). He rides a motorcycle (potentially good fuck buddy trait - purrrr.....does anything scream "bad boy" better than that?...but wait, that's also a lousy husband trait. Uh....that's no family car....).

But can you date the same person who is also a fuck buddy? I'm glad you asked, grasshopper.  Excellent question.

When I meet a fuck buddy in a hotel, that's not a date.  But when I meet the very same honey out in public for lunch or coffee, it may or may not be a date.  What distinguishes the two?  Simple.  1) Is it in public? 2) Is there a purpose for meeting other than leading up to a roll in the hay? If both answers are yes, it could be a date IF you want it to be.

Let's complicate it further.  Is it a date if you're not fucking  and not planning to and both 1 and 2, above, are "yes?" No, that's meeting a friend. Now I'm wondering how intelligent people people with opposable thumbs can make this so complicated.

Here's an example. When I meet DauntlessD for lunch, it's not a date, either. Yes, it's in public and yes there is a purpose other than getting each other in bed.  Still, I have a heck of a time convincing Hubby that Daunt and I are not dating.  Here's how the last conversation on the topic went with Hubby:

Hubby: So, who pays?  Does he pay for your lunch or do you pay for his?

Kat: We each pay for our own.

Hubby:  So you go dutch?

Kat: You make it sound like a date, but it's not.  When you go out with Fred and you each pay for your own, do you call it "going dutch?"

Hubby:  No, but we're both guys.

Kat:  Oh wait.  He did pay for me once when I won a bet and he had to buy me fish tacos.

Hubby: Oh, so he does pay....

Kat: NO!

Hubby:  Ok, well who decides when you're going out?

Kat:  Whoever's hungriest? (I chuckle.  Hubby doesn't laugh.) It can be either one of us.  It doesn't really matter, and I've never really noticed.

Hubby:  Do you kiss him goodbye after?

Kat: No.

Hubby: Do you hug him?

Kat: Yes.

Hubby:  So you rub up against him.

Kat: Only if I'm really horny. (I laugh.  Hubby doesn't.)  Oh, come on now! I told you we're not dating.  We're not a couple.

Hubby:  What are you then?

Kat: Friends.  Friends having lunch.

Hubby: Huh.

And it's over until the next inquisition.

Here's the really important question - Why does this matter?

Dating comes with all sorts of expectations and societal norms. If someone dates you a couple of times and doesn't want to see you again, you get to deal with the angst of figuring out if there was something wrong with you.  Why did he dump me? Did I say something wrong? Am I not pretty enough, smart enough, good enough?

Since Prowlers are not shopping for spouses, who cares?  Who needs all that?

If you can just understand that fucking is not dating, you can release all of those issues and appreciate it for what it is - a sexual encounter, or a series of sexual encounters. It's pleasure and excitement and danger and fun. It could end tomorrow for any of about a hundred different reasons, but most of those are not worth worrying about.

Now, I don't think there is such a thing as a relationship that has no strings (and I don't consider a one night stand to be a relationship), but there's string, there's twine, there's rope, and there are various types of metal chains. What I'm saying is that those of us in the relationship should get to decide what it means and how much attachment there is, not an arbitrary standard associated with "dating."

So, are we clear?

Fucking is not dating.....

.....unless you fall in love.

Then it becomes something else entirely.

That Pesky "L" Word

The "L" word. It has the power to stun even the strongest men to silence. You know which word I mean. Not lust, longing, lascivious.... Men don't seem to have trouble with those. But love....that's a different story altogether.

Ok, I know some of you are sweating and squirming in your chairs right now thinking, "I thought this was a sex blog, goshdarnit! Why is she talking about l-l-l-love???" Just breathe, honey. You be fine, and this will be over soon.

Most extramarital affairs that last longer than a month include at least some element of love. Navigating those waters can be tricky.

Any parent who has had more than one child knows that we have an inexhaustible supply of love to share. It seems crazy to think that you couldn't love a second child because you already love your first child, doesn't it?

You can have five siblings and love them all, right?

And you probably have two parents and you love them both, don't you?

You may have several very close friends and you love them all, right?

So why is it that so many think they can only love one mate?

I know there are different types of love, and the love you have for a spouse is different than the love you have for a friend, even a best friend, but different doesn't necessarily mean better or less than. Just different.

For some reason, many don't think cheating is so bad if it's "just sex" and having an emotional affair (falling in love) is a line they can't - or won't- cross. By the way, I've never heard the spouse of a cheater, upon learning about an affair, say, "Well, thank God it was only sex!" even though the cheater swears up and down that "it didn't mean anything." That emotional boundary line is more in the cheater's mind than in reality, and I think it has a lot more to do with self-preservation than anything else.

Another issue is that the "L" word has different implications for men and women. For men, it carries all sorts of thoughts of commitment, and loving a woman that isn't his wife can feel like a betrayal of his wife. For women, though, loving another man doesn't necessarily feel like a betrayal of her husband. Of course, don't even try to use the same logic in reverse.

Also, for men, life is very compartmentalized, and romantic love is typically in the "family" compartment. Great sex is in the "mistress" compartment. Treating those two compartments the same in any way just feels wrong. Women, on the other hand, don't see things that way. For women, everything is connected. Love crosses all boundaries and all relationships are connected in some way.

My buddy DauntlessD talks about it in terms of waffles and spaghetti. Men are waffles and relationships and roles all fit neatly into a square and they stay separate. Women are spaghetti and we connect everything. Sometimes we'll be talking and he'll say something like, "You're getting all spaghetti on me now," and I know exactly what he means. Or I'll say, "Come on, now, lemme in that square," and he gets it.

So what about the connection between love and sex? Wild, passionate, uninhibited sex with someone you are not in love with can be great! But wild, passionate, uninhibited sex with someone you love is fantastic beyond words. There's nothing wrong with raw sex just to enjoy the sex. However, intentionally limiting it to a non-loving relationship is closing off a whole dimension of awesome sexual experience.

Okay, I'll admit I can't even claim to know everything about the L word and relationships, but I know this: I can absolutely love two men at the same time. I can love my husband and be devoted to him and I can also be in love with my lover - without feeling like loving one diminishes the love I have for the other. They are very different men. Both are amazing. I can also have a loving (and sexual) relationship with a friend. Does it mean I love my husband less? Of course not.


Have I fallen in love with every lover I've had?  Absolutely not.  It's a rare occurrence actually - a very rare occurrence, but when it happens I am more than willing to let it in.

For me, the more I love others, the more my capacity to love increases.


So, fellow Prowlers, what are your issues with Prowling and love?