Lobbing the PWK Bomb

Daunt here.  We have a smart bunch of readers so I thought I would solicit some advice and generate a little discussion.

Recently I decided to check out a few of the more popular dating sites.  I created an account using my DauntlessD persona and just tried to be playful.  After week or so and sending out a few messages etc, I generally had the feeling they are all quite similar to Ashley Madison; the ratio of men to women allows women to be pretty choosy.

The whole vibe of the sites began to wear on me and one evening, when I was feeling a bit surly, I received an unsolicited message from a woman.  I responded, attempted a little banter, but my heart wasn't in it.  Then I began to grow irritated with some of her questions.  It was clear she was used to men falling all over themselves and answering any question and providing more photos promptly.  So I did something I wouldn't normally do, I sent her the link to my All DauntlessD page.  In essence I was feeling a little testy and I was saying, here take this and go away.  Then what happened was pretty comical.

Her: That was TMI web site Omg

Me: Well it's me.  Read DauntlessD Exposed.  This is a side of me I won't hide from someone I'm seeing.

Her: Wow

Me: Read The Art that is Woman. It's one of my favorites.

Her: Ok... you're scaring me

And that was that.  I stopped hearing from her.  She officially ran for the hills.

So, here is what I would like you all to chime in on.  Upon meeting a new love interest, when should I share this blog and my writing with them?  I'm very curious to hear your thoughts and especially the difference of opinion between men and women.

TMI Tuesday 9/13/11 with DauntlessD

This weeks TMI Tuesday questions are on Dating.

1. You’re on a speed date. You’ve got 7 minutes with the potential partner. You already know the person’s name. What are the first three questions you would ask?

What was the last adventurous thing you did?

What was the last conversation you had with your mother like?

On a vacation, would you prefer quiet solitude or shopping and nightlife?

That second question... I have no idea why it popped in my head, but it would likely provide some insight to a woman, don't you think?

2. Have you ever participated in speed dating? Did you get a regular date/second date out of it?

No, I've never tried speed dating. However I do know someone who got married as a result of s speed date.

3. Do you participate in online dating? How many dates have you had as a result of online dating sites/matches?

Yes, back in the pre-internet days we had what were called BBS's (Bulletin Board Systems), I've met an enormous amount of people online; had quite a few dates etc. too.

More recently there was Ashley Madison, if you can call that "online dating". Over the past 10 months or so I engaged in quite a lot conversation with roughly a dozen women of which about half of those I met in person, and only 2 of which I honestly liked; Kat and Madison. I found I wasn't interested in the quick hook-up. You can read a bit more about this in my last post, DauntlessD Exposed.

4. You are attracted to:

a. Who people are? This is by far what most attracts me, the person them self. Their compassion, their sense of humor, the types of things they enjoy etc.

b. What people have? This has little to do with what attracts me. I suppose it can tell a little about how responsible a person is, like if they're living beyond what they can afford; but beyond that -- dirt poor or rich -- who they are is more important to me.

c. What they can do? Nope, also not very important to me. Of course a guy is going to like a gal that can cook -- and vice-versa -- but this one could easily cross over into using them couldn't it?

5. What “little red flag” will cause you to end a date or immediately decide this person isn’t for you?

This one is hard for me, it could be a number of things; insincerity comes to mind... Immaturity too. Once after I'd been seeing a gal for a bit I was invited to dinner at her apartment. She asked me to pick up something from the store and I brought her the wrong brand. She threw herself on her couch in what looked like a little girls tantrum. My eyebrows shot up and alarm bells started going off in my head.

6. What do you feel you need to sacrifice or have sacrificed to be a part of a relationship?

This one is something I've been reflecting on a lot lately. I've come to realize that you must not parts of your personality. It's easy to do early on, it feels like a small thing. Then it bubbles up later. But to answer the question, time, comes to mind. You need to sacrifice some of your time to grow and cultivate a relationship.

7. If you cooked for your date, what would you cook?

I am a decent cook, but I am a god at the barbecue. I could do a nice pasta dish of some sort, but I'd most likely do shark, steak, or salmon on the grill. It would depend on what she liked.

8. At the end of a first date, how would you kiss your date?

a. Press your lips against theirs - if I liked her, but she seemed nervous.

b. Gentle kiss on the cheek - if I liked her, but she was young enough to be my daughter.

c. Lots o’ tongue, like you’re on a tonsil exploration - If I really liked her and she was engaging and not nervous.

d. I don’t kiss on the first date - what kind of a lame option is this?

Bonus: You just put up a profile on a dating site. You must describe yourself in 10 words or less. What are your 10 words?

Vince Rizzo, Clam Digger.

So sad. The odds are that most of you have no idea what the hell I'm referencing.

Thanks again TMI Tuesday Blog!

Kat Clarification - Fucking is not Dating

I was reading another blog recently that was discussing online dating. Specifically, the author was asking readers how many people they had met online and "dated." This is a pet peeve of mine, Prowlers.

Fucking is not dating. 

Let's discuss the difference.

What is dating? Because I only cite the most reliable sources, here's what Wikipedia has to say about dating:

"Dating is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. While the term has several senses, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple."

If you are connecting with someone at a hotel, getting a room, fucking yourselves silly, and then going back to work (or home), you're not engaging in a social activity in public as a "couple."  In fact, you probably go to some lengths to make it look like you are not arriving or leaving as a couple, right?

And you're probably not checking out each other's suitability as a partner or spouse.  That's what all of that scintillating email and chat was about.  By the time you're in the hotel room, you've already decided that your date fuck buddy is suitable acceptable not too bad, and you're in, so to speak.

As for their suitability as a spouse, if you're prowling you already have a spouse and you're probably looking for playmates who are not suitable to marry because they are already married or they are forbidden in some other way.  For example, bad boy who spends hours every day at the gym because he doesn't have a job and who drives up on a motorcycle might be perfect as a fuck buddy. He's hot (good fuck buddy trait), but he doesn't work (bad husband trait). He rides a motorcycle (potentially good fuck buddy trait - purrrr.....does anything scream "bad boy" better than that?...but wait, that's also a lousy husband trait. Uh....that's no family car....).

But can you date the same person who is also a fuck buddy? I'm glad you asked, grasshopper.  Excellent question.

When I meet a fuck buddy in a hotel, that's not a date.  But when I meet the very same honey out in public for lunch or coffee, it may or may not be a date.  What distinguishes the two?  Simple.  1) Is it in public? 2) Is there a purpose for meeting other than leading up to a roll in the hay? If both answers are yes, it could be a date IF you want it to be.

Let's complicate it further.  Is it a date if you're not fucking  and not planning to and both 1 and 2, above, are "yes?" No, that's meeting a friend. Now I'm wondering how intelligent people people with opposable thumbs can make this so complicated.

Here's an example. When I meet DauntlessD for lunch, it's not a date, either. Yes, it's in public and yes there is a purpose other than getting each other in bed.  Still, I have a heck of a time convincing Hubby that Daunt and I are not dating.  Here's how the last conversation on the topic went with Hubby:

Hubby: So, who pays?  Does he pay for your lunch or do you pay for his?

Kat: We each pay for our own.

Hubby:  So you go dutch?

Kat: You make it sound like a date, but it's not.  When you go out with Fred and you each pay for your own, do you call it "going dutch?"

Hubby:  No, but we're both guys.

Kat:  Oh wait.  He did pay for me once when I won a bet and he had to buy me fish tacos.

Hubby: Oh, so he does pay....

Kat: NO!

Hubby:  Ok, well who decides when you're going out?

Kat:  Whoever's hungriest? (I chuckle.  Hubby doesn't laugh.) It can be either one of us.  It doesn't really matter, and I've never really noticed.

Hubby:  Do you kiss him goodbye after?

Kat: No.

Hubby: Do you hug him?

Kat: Yes.

Hubby:  So you rub up against him.

Kat: Only if I'm really horny. (I laugh.  Hubby doesn't.)  Oh, come on now! I told you we're not dating.  We're not a couple.

Hubby:  What are you then?

Kat: Friends.  Friends having lunch.

Hubby: Huh.

And it's over until the next inquisition.

Here's the really important question - Why does this matter?

Dating comes with all sorts of expectations and societal norms. If someone dates you a couple of times and doesn't want to see you again, you get to deal with the angst of figuring out if there was something wrong with you.  Why did he dump me? Did I say something wrong? Am I not pretty enough, smart enough, good enough?

Since Prowlers are not shopping for spouses, who cares?  Who needs all that?

If you can just understand that fucking is not dating, you can release all of those issues and appreciate it for what it is - a sexual encounter, or a series of sexual encounters. It's pleasure and excitement and danger and fun. It could end tomorrow for any of about a hundred different reasons, but most of those are not worth worrying about.

Now, I don't think there is such a thing as a relationship that has no strings (and I don't consider a one night stand to be a relationship), but there's string, there's twine, there's rope, and there are various types of metal chains. What I'm saying is that those of us in the relationship should get to decide what it means and how much attachment there is, not an arbitrary standard associated with "dating."

So, are we clear?

Fucking is not dating.....

.....unless you fall in love.

Then it becomes something else entirely.

Attitude Reset, the "Plate of Cookies" Mentality

I am often bewildered when I try and understand women. Being a thoughtful person and a bit of an intellectual typically serves me well. However, in the arena of women and Prowling I often find myself lost down a rabbit trail, tricked by my own mind. I have discovered that with Prowling relationships this state of bewilderment and confusion can often be amplified.

There is an odd dance that occurs when Prowling. Each party takes a step trying to find out the other's motivations while at the same time protecting themselves. Recently I had began communicating with a woman I met via Ashley Madison and was sharing a concern with our delightful Kat. We were IM'ing each other but I could see her eyes rolling just before she said, "Good grief Daunt, you're totally over thinking this! Just send her a note telling her you'd like to see her again." I took her advice and, lo and behold, I quickly got a response, "Yes Daunt, I would love to see you again." *sigh* Clearly, I'm a very silly man...

I mentioned to Kat that I really need to work on keeping my frame of mind on the "Plate of Cookies" concept. Years ago I had heard this promoted as a sales concept but it works for me in this context, too; it helps me stop over thinking things. The idea is that if you have a plate of cookies, and you hold it out to someone. Whether the person chooses to take a cookie or not is up to them. If they choose not to take a cookie, you're not upset, there's nothing lost; you just move on to the next person.

How does this apply to Prowling? Simple! Don't think, be friendly, be yourself and make your offer -- hold out that plate of cookies. And by this, gentlemen, that doesn't mean saying, "Yo, wanna fuck?", when first meeting a woman. The cookies you're offering need to be appealing for the state of the relationship in that moment.

If you are turned down, don't take it personally! All they did was pass on a cookie. Just continue to be friendly and don't let it affect you. Maybe the other party will offer you a cookie before you have the chance to offer another of your own. If not, move on to the next person; the last one just got you that much closer to finding the person that does like the cookies you're offering.