Valentine's Day for Prowlers

Valentine's Day is a little more complicated for Prowlers than for other couples. You can't just send your sweetie flowers or buy her some expensive jewelry. You have to go with things that won't be noticed.

But don't skip it!

I remember listening to JJ tell me all about what he did for his wife last year. It was sweet. Until it became clear there was no V-Day card or wish coming for me. That hurt.

Now don't be thinking negative thoughts about JJ.  He's pretty typical.  Lots of guys would think that their mistress would be ok not celebrating the holiday.  Ok, maybe not lots of guys, but definitely some. Besides, JJ is way too sweet and kind to be mad at him.

Anyway, here are a few tips about Valentine's Day for Prowlers:

1. At minimum, send an e-card. It's reasonably safe and it shows you were thinking of her.
2. Even better than an e-card would be to buy a real Valentine's card and write your own personal message inside - in your own handwriting! - and sign it. You can give it to her just like that, knowing of course that she'll have to throw it away after reading it, or you can scan it and send it to her electronically. The important part is that you write the personal message and that you go to the effort to select a card that conveys your sentiments.
3. If you love her, say so!
4. If you're going to buy a gift, go either with something cheesy that anyone could have given her or something that she can easily incorporate into her belongings without notice. Cheesy might be a little teddy bear that she can say one of the gals at the office gave her. An example of something that can be easily incorporated into her life might be some very simple, not-so-flashy jewelry. The perfect gift for me would be a colorful or funky flash drive. It would easily pass for something I would get for myself and every time I used it I would think of him. (I wanted to put those last two sentences in bold so they would be easily noticeable, but I decided that would be just a bit too obvious.)
5. The point is to make it meaningful. The odds are good that she's not with you for your money, so you don't need to spend a lot of money to impress her. Touch her heart. That will impress her.  That goes for your wife, too, by the way.

I'll be going to the store later today to shop for some V-Day cards. Shopping for cards for my husband and boys is pretty easy. Shopping for a lover is harder. Do they have cards that say, "For My Favorite Lover..No one has ever done me like you do?" 

And it's even harder to find something appropriate for an online-only friend. "To the guy I really like a lot who I've never met in person but who has seen me cum via webcam a bunch of times...." I don't think Hallmark makes that card.

So, Prowlers, what are you doing for your sweetie for Valentine's Day?  Please share with the rest of us. 

A Stupid Prowler Story - Yes, It Really Happened

This story is so full of fuck-ups interesting happenings that I just had to share it with you. Here it is in a nutshell:

Cop has affair with mistress.  Cop works the night shift and spends at least 57 nights playing with mistress instead of bring on patrol. Cop falsifies all sorts of records to cover his tracks (of course). Cop parks his patrol car out in front of mistress's house every time he "visits." Neighbor calls police to complain about the police being parked out front so often. Cop gets caught. Cop "retires" after 18 years on the force and draws a full pension. Cop is charged with 80 counts of official misconduct and 25 counts of falsifying business records. Presumably, the affair ends. Mistress makes details of the affair public - like what they did when they were together and the fact that the cop sometimes left his gun where her kids could have reached it.

But here's the part that blew my hair back.....

Mistress sues the county for $10 million for failing to properly supervise the cop while he was on duty.

Wow!

By the way, the cop was married and she was not.

Okay, Prowlers, how many of you can identify the mistakes the cop made in this situation?

Here's a link to the news story if you want to read about it yourself.

Six Tips for the Care and Feeding of a Mistress

I have addressed this topic before but I'm feeling the need to tackle it again.

Getting the mistress is only part of the battle.  Unless you are looking for a series of one-time-fucks, you're going to have to take some action to keep the gal coming back.

In the beginning, it's fairly easy because it's new and exciting, but as time wears on it's going to take more than your gorgeous cock to keep her coming back. I know.  That's unbelievable, isn't it? How could a woman want anything more than the privilege of having wanton sex with you?

Let's assume for a moment that your cock is not enough. Here's what you need to do to keep your mistress happy.

1. Communicate - Communication is what forms that connection between the two of you.  If she doesn't feel connected to you when you're not together, she will not be as willing to make the time to get together. You found a way to communicate when the relationship was new.  You wrote lots of great emails to her or you texted her from time time telling her how much you wanted her. Then you got busy. Other things became important.  Fair enough.  Just realize that as soon as she starts to feel more like a booty call and less like a lover, your days are numbered. Also realize that she may have (probably has) an uncommunicative man at home.  Why would she want two?

2. Act Like You Care - This may be a stretch for some of you, but I think you can handle the challenge. You should be communicating so you know what's going on in her life.  Once you have done that, though, you need to act like you care. Ask questions. Offer comfort, if appropriate.  Most importantly, listen. Pay attention. Know her birthday are other important dates in her life. The special dates matter, but it's really caring about the events of everyday life that matters the most.  Let me give you an example of someone who did not follow this advice. I had been seeing someone for a very long time when I got some bad medical news.  I wanted to share it with him. I contacted him and told him I had received some bad news from the doctor.  He asked if I wanted to talk about it, and I said yes.  He said he'd call.  He didn't.  Not only didn't he call, but he didn't mention it again, didn't bring it up. But when he had time to get together for sex the following week, he was quite available and able to communicate about the arrangements. It may sound like a silly little thing, but it was very important thing in my life and his behavior said, "I don't really care." Now, there's really nothing wrong with that. It's totally fine if he doesn't care about my life or can't make the time to talk about it or whatever, but that's not the way to keep a mistress happy.  Period. I hear that version of "I don't care" as "I guess it's time to move on." And that is ok, too. It has to be.

3. Add Some Variety - You know how sex at home gets boring after a while?  Well, the same thing can happen in an ongoing extramarital relationship. Surprise her with different positions.  Try sometime new. Give her a massage. Try playing with some toys together. Find an unusual place to play. Keep it fresh.

4. Make It All About Her Sometimes - Remember how in the beginning you were so anxious to please her?  Part of that was because you wanted to know you still could have that effect on a woman and part of it was because you really wanted her to enjoy herself so she'd keep coming back. It's likely that you're not focusing as much attention on her as you used to. That's a normal by-product of familiarity, but it's not a good thing. Make a decision to focus entirely on her pleasure.  Don't worry.  She'll make sure you get yours.

5. Skip the Sex Once in a While - I know this sounds like crazy talk, but it really speaks to the "Act like you care" suggestion, above. Once in a while, and only you know how often it should be, skip the bedroom and take her to lunch.  If there is no place you can go publicly together, prepare a picnic for the two of you and take her somewhere for a bite and some conversation. If it turns into some hot car sex, that's ok, but the point is that you were prepared just to spend time with her for a purpose other than getting your cock sucked or fucking her. Now, it may be that she doesn't want this.  She may want some "private time" every time.  That's fine, but make the offer.  Show the initiative.

6. Be Romantic - Get your creativity juices flowing, boys. How can you show her that you want her in your life and that you are grateful that she's your sweetie? Gifts and flowers are nice, but they can be problematic  Those problems can be solved.  I had one sweetie who liked to bring me flowers, and to be honest, I loved getting them, but I couldn't keep them.  I couldn't take them home or back to work, so I gave them to someone on my way out of wherever we were. If we were at a restaurant  I'd give them to another diner.  If we were at a hotel, I left them at the front desk.  On occasion  I'd drop them by a friend's house and leave them anonymously. He understood that I couldn't keep them, but it was the romance he was going for and he hit the nail on the head (he also had more than enough money for that sort of thing). It can also be romantic to give very small gifts that she can keep. Focus on everyday things that wouldn't be noticed at home. JJ gave me a small key chain once from a trip he took. It was from a place that I had been before so it wouldn't spark any interest at home. I love that little key chain and every time I look at it I think of him. Inexpensive, simple, meaningful, safe - a great choice.

If you're thinking, "Kat, I don't have time for all this!" I understand. I really do. But remember this: We make time for that which is important to us. If you don't have time for any of this (and I'm just talking about enough to show you care, not going overboard), then your mistress is getting the message that your relationship with her is not important to you. Maybe it's not.  If that's ok with both of you, that's fine. You may want to be sure, though,  you're both on same page or she may have one foot out the door.

The Care and Feeding of a Mistress

Most men would say that they know how to keep their mistress happy.  The only thing your mistress needs to be happy is regular access to your hot body and the amazing sex you generously bestow upon her. Right?

Well, maybe not so much. If you're talking about a short term (I define short term as two  months or less) fuck buddy relationship, that might be enough to keep her happy for awhile. I would think you would also need to spring for some hotel rooms and a nice meal every now and then, but maybe not.

If you want a long term relationship with your mistress, though, it's going to take more to keep her happy.  Women need some attention and any relationship needs a little bit of nurturing if it's going to last more than a couple of hours.

I've put together a few things that you may want to consider if you want to keep your mistress (married or not) in your bed rather than someone else's.

1. Be generous with genuine compliments. If she looks nice, tell her so.  If you enjoy her company, tell her so.  If she sucks your cock better than anyone you ever known, tell her that, too. Men tend to forget about his simple courtesy after they have known a woman for a while.  They assume that "she already knows I think that." Maybe she does, but she also needs and wants to hear it. If your mistress is married, she probably feels unappreciated at home and if she doesn't feel genuinely appreciated with you, she won't stay long. And let me be clear, I'm not talking about making things up.  Focus on what you like about her, and tell her.

2. Be generous in bed. It's easy to be generous in bed when you're trying to impress her, but what about several months into the relationship?  Do you fall back into a routine that makes sex more about you than about her?  Ok, I know that, from your perspective, it is all about you, but you know what I mean. Mix it up, keep it new and fresh. Remember, if she's married, she has boring sex at home.  Why would she risk her marriage for boring, unfulfilling sex with you?

3. Be generous with your communication. Let's say that you are planning to meet for some naughty fun next week.  Unless you and she have agreed to a radio silence policy, she should hear from you a few times between now and then using whatever communication channels you have agreed on. It doesn't have to be much, but let her know that you are thinking about her and care about her. If you don't communicate at all between meetings (except to set up the time, date, and location of the next meeting) she will eventually decide that you're not interested in her at all. Maybe you're not, but be prepared to lose her if you won't communicate.  I've cancelled more than one meet-up because of a lack of communication in-between meetings. I didn't make a big deal about it.  I didn't whine about communication ("Why didn't you call me or text me?"). I just became unavailable. Get it?

4. Be generous with simple gifts. This is a difficult area.  If she is married, it's unlikely that she can keep any of the standard gift items you might think of, like cards or flowers or jewelry.  And I wouldn't advocate spending much on her anyway.  Think about simple gifts, things that she can keep.  For example, I've got a thing about cute post-it notes. I could receive a little pad of cute post-it notes and keep them, without anyone thinking anything of it. Be creative. If she likes to read, books are a good idea. Remember, the gift itself is not the point.  The point is that you thought about her and went out of your way a bit to make her smile. The odds are good that her hubby is not thinking of her very much in those sweet little ways, so you will keep her attention if you do.

Let me share a little story with you. It's about a holiday and how it went down with me.  I won't tell you what holiday it was, but it was a traditional gift giving holiday. Unfortunately, I didn't get a gift from my husband. I didn't get a gift from my lover, either.  Ouch.  Not only that, but I got to listen to him talk about what a wonderful gift he got for his wife.  Don't get me wrong.  I was very pleased that he did something really nice for his wife.  She deserved that. And it wasn't about a gift at all. It was about being forgotten and taken for granted. Heck, lots women who have been married for a long time are forgotten by their husbands on "special" days. To be honest, I expected my husband to let the day go by without any recognition. But unlike most women, I got to experience the feeling of being forgotten by two men.

It sounds silly and petty, doesn't it?  I know it does, but what matters is how it feels. How much do you think I felt like going out of my way for either of those men? Exactly.

If you want her to keep you happy, you have to keep her happy.  It's a simple formula. If you make her feel wanted, she'll make you feel good. If you neglect her, she'll go away. It doesn't get much simpler than that.

When the Wife Calls. . .

It's always a bit unsettling when the wife calls. It has happened to me several times over the past 25 years or so, and it's never fun. I always seem to be struck silent.  Apparently, I have inherited my mother's uncanny ability of not knowing what to say in a stressful moment. Oh, I think of the perfect thing to say later, but the moment is over by then and it does no good.

Anyway, the first time it happened to me, I was 22 years old.  I was having a torrid affair with a married 40 year old - tall, gorgeous, Latino ex-gang member.  He may have been an ex-gang member, but he still dressed the part and talked the talk, even though he had 6 children and was already a grandfather. This man had "Bad Boy" oozing from every pore, and I couldn't resist.

After we had been "dating" for several months (I was too young to know that fucking isn't dating at that point in my life), his wife called me at work. I was in shock when someone handed me the phone and I heard a voice asking if I was Kat and then telling me who she was. I was speechless.  I wondered how she knew where I worked. She called me some names ("slutty whore," etc.) and expressed her unhappiness about what I was doing with her husband.  She told me to stop, pointing out that he had children (although I was very confused at that time about how that affected our sex life).  Most of the detail of what she said has faded into the dusty archives of my brain.

But the last thing she said before she hung up on me stuck with me.  I can still hear her voice in my head today saying, "You're not the first and you won't be the last.  You mean nothing to him." It didn't hurt me, but I didn't understand why a wife would say that to a mistress. Now that I have been on the wife side of the infidelity equation, I know exactly what she meant and why she said it.

More recently, I had another wife calling experience. I was resting after work for a few minutes before my husband and I were leaving to go out for the evening. My cell rang and it showed that a blocked number was calling.  Normally, I never answer blocked calls.  I let them go through to voicemail. But this time I thought it was someone else calling, so I answered.

Kat: Hello.

The Wife: Is this Kat?

Kat: Yes. who's this?

(pause)

The Wife:  This is Sue, I'm E's wife.

(longer pause)

Kat: Hello.

(Yeah, yeah, I know. MY brilliant conversational skills were not shining at that moment, but I was in shock so you'll have to cut me a little slack. I knew that she knew about me and my affair with her husband, but I really didn't expect her to call me.)

The Wife: I'm calling to invite you to......(pause)

(An invitation? Really? To what?  A dinner date? A three-way with her and her husband?)

The Wife: ...stop having any and all contact with my husband.  No texts. No emails. No phone calls.

(Whew.....I was afraid she was going to say "no getting together to fuck," too.  That would have really sucked.)

Kat: You really should speak with E. Your issues are with him.

The Wife: Don't tell me who to talk to! You need to stop contacting him so I can make my marriage work.  And you need to focus on your own marriage.

(I will admit, there were many things flowing through my mind at that moment. Things like, "Your troubled marriage is not my responsibility, ma'am. Your husband found me after a couple of decades of being ignored, henpecked and denied sex. Instead of focusing on me as the problem, how about giving your husband head instead?  That would be a much better use of your time and it would also be more likely to help your marriage." No, I didn't say any of those things, of course.  I'm not a cruel person.  I could tell she was hurting, and I knew I had a role in that. I'm not proud of that at all. I felt more compassion for her than anything else.  Still, I wasn't sure what to say.)

Kat: I understand what you are saying.

The Wife: So, you'll promise that you won't have any more contact with E?

(Seriously? Did she really think that my promise would mean anything when her husband's promises to her didn't keep him from fooling around?)

Kat: No. You really need that promise to come from him. Look, he loves you very much.  He doesn't want to leave you. He plans on never leaving you.

The Wife: How can I believe that unless I can be sure that he's not involved with you anymore?

(That was a very good question.  I don't think any of us can ever be 100% sure of that. But surely she must know that unless something major changes in their relationship, it won't just be me.  There will be others.  I was reminded about that first wife call I got when I was young. "You're not the first, and you won't be the last." )

The Wife: You'd better understand what I'm saying.

(long pause)

Kat: Is there anything else you'd like to say?

(Let's face it.  I was screwing her husband. She pretty much had the right to say anything she wanted to say.)

The Wife: Yes.  I have a lot more to say.....

(Oh, geez.... this could go on for hours.)

The Wife:  .....but I'm not going to say it now.  I'm going to keep it simple.

(Thank God!  But wait...does that mean she's going to call back another time to say the rest? Uuugghh.)

Kat: O.K.  Goodnight, then.

The Wife: Goodnight.

(I knew she'd kick herself later for saying goodnight and not just punctuating her anger by hanging up on me. I was a little amused that my primary focus after the call wasn't nervousness or fear, but I wanted to coach her on how to better a handle a "telling off the mistress" call. She clearly wasn't used to this.)

Let me make something clear.  I felt genuine compassion for her.  I still do, but I did not pity her at all. She had some responsibility in the creation of this situation that was causing her so much pain. Of course, her husband's infidelity was not her fault, but she was not an innocent.  Every time she told him "no" in the bedroom over the years without discussing the issue and trying to find a solution, she was pushing him closer and closer to another woman. Every time she used words like "perverted" and "disgusting" in response to his perfectly normal requests to try something new sexually, she was preparing the ground for the sprouting of his extramarital activity.

In short, she built that car from the ground up over a lot of years, and then she was indignant and shocked that he actually got in it and drove away. 

Immediately after the phone call, I sent E an email telling him exactly what was said and how I responded so he would be aware.

I got a return email from him expressing his concern for me and asking if I intended to stop seeing him because of the call. He acknowledged that he was about to go home and he had no idea what was waiting for him, and that he didn't know what was going to happen.

The next morning, I got a text from him confirming our plan to meet the next day. Apparently, whatever happened at home didn't change his feelings and his need for what we shared.

You may want to criticize how I handled that call with Sue, but keep in mind that there is just about nothing I could have said that would have made her feel better. Maybe I could have apologized profusely and begged her forgiveness, but would patronizing her like that be the right thing to do?  The truth is that there is no perfect way to handle a call like that.

You have to deal with the situation in front of you. If it had been Webcam Guy's or JJ's wife, I would have denied the whole thing, doing everything I could to help them keep the marriage intact.  Since Sue already knew about the affair, that would have been cruel and stupid.

The best advice I have is to be gentle and kind.  Don't get into an argument. Remember that you're dealing with someone who is angry and afraid. Treat her the way you would like to be treated if you were the one making that difficult call.

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As I was writing this, I realized that I haven't posted anything about E. I'll do that soon.  You're in for a treat.  E is absolutely delectable!

Guest Post: In Praise of a Fast-Thinking Mistress

SomewhereMan had an interesting experience recently, and we are fortunate that he decided to write about it for us. It's amazing how truth is better than fiction, isn't it? Enjoy!

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It's 3 p.m. last week and my workday is about to take a serious jolt.

Here is the texting log.

Mistress:  Hi! What r u up to?  I have to head to the hockey game tonight.  A function that I signed up as part of the group I'm with.
Me: You at a table or in the suites?
Mistress: A suite, I believe.

Uh-oh.  This isn't good.  My wife will also be at the game.  In one of the suites.  We don't live in a gigantic city so our hockey arena only has four suites.

Crap.  Crap.  Crap.

And there's nothing I can really do.  Will today be the day of the Wife-Mistress face-to-face meeting.  I imagine Addison looking at Meredith Grey at the airport, saying, "so you're the slut who is screwing my husband."  I imagine Stalin-Churchill-Roosevelt at Yalta.  I imagine bad, bad things happening.

I'm stuck at work.  Wondering if today will be the big blowup.

I look around the office.  This is going to be an awful day.

Back to the text log.
Me: And which event are you going to?

She writes back that it WILL be the exact same event that my wife has to attend.  That means about 30 people will be in this 15 x 25 room.

Here is the backstory: the mistress and I had been "fully intimate" for two months by this point.  Best sex of my life...without question.  Even to the point where we are both considering leaving our marriages to start a life together.

And it may entirely backfire at a stinkin' hockey game.

The angle here is that wife once found a pic of mistress on one of my email accounts.  She knows what mistress looks like.  It wasn't a racy pic but one that I forgot to delete.  (I know, I know...)

Me: Well, I'm not sure what to tell you.  I'm not going to say 'don't go to this'.  That's not my place.  Any thoughts on this?
Mistress:  I HAVE to go.  I signed up for it.
Mistress (five minutes later): I have an idea.  Will tell you about it later.

Now I'm sweating, flowing with stress, two hours later.  Then I get an email.
From the mistress.

I click on the attachment.

My platinum-blonde girlfriend walks out of her salon... with chestnut brown hair and glasses.

Mistress: Sorry I'm not blonde anymore.
Me: Holy smokes.  How much did that run you?
Mistress: $75
Me: I'll gladly pay that.

Mistress and wife spent an hour in the same room, within a few feet of each other.  Mistress didn't need to offer her "fake name" to wife since mistress tried to avoid eye contact.

Gotta say...I was impressed with the Mistress's quick thinking.

Author's Note: Mistress dumped my prowlin' ass this morning.  Maybe I should've paid her more... :)

I Am Not Your Wife

I'm taking the liberty of writing an open letter to prowling men on behalf of prowling women everywhere. Ok, I know not everyone is the same, but I think I'm average enough to represent my sisters (Me? Average? Stop laughing, Dauntless). Also, please know that this is not a message for my current honey (who makes none of the mistakes I'm about to mention). This is a message for prowling men in general. If you see yourself in this message, it's time for a change. Here we go...

Dear Prowler,

I'm not your wife. That's really the point, isn't it? Because I'm not your wife, things are more exciting with me. The sex is better - a lot better. You feel comfortable talking to me because I actually listen to you and show some interest in what you have to say. You may have forgotten what it's like to have a woman in your life want you and respect you, but you get that with me. We don't have to argue about money or disciplining the kids or which family we're spending the holidays with. I look at you like you want a woman to look at you and I make you feel like you haven't felt in a long time (yes, it's mutual).

But sometimes you seem to forget that I'm not your wife.

I don't require a lot of attention or maintenance, but don't neglect me or take me for granted. I get that at home.

Attentiveness and control are two different things. Attentiveness is good. I love knowing that you're thinking of me and how you feel about me. Email, text messages, chat sessions are nice. Communication makes me feel special, like you want me in you life. On the other hand, control is bad. I already have one man in my life who tries to track my every movement and control my life and who I talk to. I really don't need or want two.

If you're mad at your wife, please don't take it out on me. If you really feel the need to get that aggression out, leave  the harsh words unsaid and give me a nice, hard fucking instead. You'll feel better and I'll enjoy it. It's a win-win.

Your wife may want to plan far into the future, but I really want to focus on today. That doesn't mean that I don't need some planning, though. We both have to re-arrange our lives to make time for each other. Please respect my time as much as I respect yours.

Please also remember that if you can't make time for me, I'll have to move on. Your wife is committed to stay by your side if she doesn't get sex or attention from you for months, but I'm not your wife, remember? I'm not greedy about your time, but any relationship needs time and attention.

If you want something in bed, tell me. I love to help you live out your fantasies. I really do. I'm not going to think you're strange at all. To the contrary, I love that you trust me enough to share your fantasies with me.

Sometimes I just want you to hold me for a while before we have sex . Sometimes I need you to listen to me. Sometimes I want to be your wanton slut and fuck you like a whore. Sometimes I need gentle and passionate love making. Ill let you know what i need, but you have to pay attention. You may have stopped paying attention to these sometimes subtle messages from wife, but if you pay attention and read me right, you'll love what we can do for each other.

I'm not your wife....and I love that.

Warmly,
Your Mistress

Is it ok to Cheat on Your Wedding Anniversary?

I had an intimate conversation with my friend M today Yes, that's the same M from Starbucks with Cream. His wedding anniversary is this week and, like a good husband, he's planning to take his wife out to dinner for their anniversary.  He also has a card and a gift for her.  Very sweet, huh?

However, earlier in the day on his anniversary, he's planning to meet his mistress in a hotel room for some naughty sex.

What do you think about that?  Should your wedding anniversary be off limits for hot and nasty sex with someone else, or is it fair game?

I told M I'd ask my fellow Prowlers for their opinion on this issue.  I don't think you'll change his opinion of the matter, but I'll pass on the results to his honey.  So, what do you say?