Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Kat Clarification - Fucking is not Dating

I was reading another blog recently that was discussing online dating. Specifically, the author was asking readers how many people they had met online and "dated." This is a pet peeve of mine, Prowlers.

Fucking is not dating

Let's discuss the difference.

What is dating? Because I only cite the most reliable sources, here's what Wikipedia has to say about dating:

"Dating is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. While the term has several senses, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple."

If you are connecting with someone at a hotel, getting a room, fucking yourselves silly, and then going back to work (or home), you're not engaging in a social activity in public as a "couple."  In fact, you probably go to some lengths to make it look like you are not arriving or leaving as a couple, right?

And you're probably not checking out each other's suitability as a partner or spouse.  That's what all of that scintillating email and chat was about.  By the time you're in the hotel room, you've already decided that your date fuck buddy is suitable acceptable not too bad, and you're in, so to speak.

As for their suitability as a spouse, if you're prowling you already have a spouse and you're probably looking for playmates who are not suitable to marry because they are already married or they are forbidden in some other way.  For example, bad boy who spends hours every day at the gym because he doesn't have a job and who drives up on a motorcycle might be perfect as a fuck buddy. He's hot (good fuck buddy trait), but he doesn't work (bad husband trait). He rides a motorcycle (potentially good fuck buddy trait - purrrr.....does anything scream "bad boy" better than that?...but wait, that's also a lousy husband trait. Uh....that's no family car....).

But can you date the same person who is also a fuck buddy? I'm glad you asked, grasshopper.  Excellent question.

When I meet a fuck buddy in a hotel, that's not a date.  But when I meet the very same honey out in public for lunch or coffee, it may or may not be a date.  What distinguishes the two?  Simple.  1) Is it in public? 2) Is there a purpose for meeting other than leading up to a roll in the hay? If both answers are yes, it could be a date IF you want it to be.

Let's complicate it further.  Is it a date if you're not fucking  and not planning to and both 1 and 2, above, are "yes?" No, that's meeting a friend. Now I'm wondering how intelligent people people with opposable thumbs can make this so complicated.

Here's an example. When I meet DauntlessD for lunch, it's not a date, either. Yes, it's in public and yes there is a purpose other than getting each other in bed.  Still, I have a heck of a time convincing Hubby that Daunt and I are not dating.  Here's how the last conversation on the topic went with Hubby:

Hubby: So, who pays?  Does he pay for your lunch or do you pay for his?

Kat: We each pay for our own.

Hubby:  So you go dutch?

Kat: You make it sound like a date, but it's not.  When you go out with Fred and you each pay for your own, do you call it "going dutch?"

Hubby:  No, but we're both guys.

Kat:  Oh wait.  He did pay for me once when I won a bet and he had to buy me fish tacos.

Hubby: Oh, so he does pay....

Kat: NO!

Hubby:  Ok, well who decides when you're going out?

Kat:  Whoever's hungriest? (I chuckle.  Hubby doesn't laugh.) It can be either one of us.  It doesn't really matter, and I've never really noticed.

Hubby:  Do you kiss him goodbye after?

Kat: No.

Hubby: Do you hug him?

Kat: Yes.

Hubby:  So you rub up against him.

Kat: Only if I'm really horny. (I laugh.  Hubby doesn't.)  Oh, come on now! I told you we're not dating.  We're not a couple.

Hubby:  What are you then?

Kat: Friends.  Friends having lunch.

Hubby: Huh.

And it's over until the next inquisition.

Here's the really important question - Why does this matter?

Dating comes with all sorts of expectations and societal norms. If someone dates you a couple of times and doesn't want to see you again, you get to deal with the angst of figuring out if there was something wrong with you.  Why did he dump me? Did I say something wrong? Am I not pretty enough, smart enough, good enough?

Since Prowlers are not shopping for spouses, who cares?  Who needs all that?

If you can just understand that fucking is not dating, you can release all of those issues and appreciate it for what it is - a sexual encounter, or a series of sexual encounters. It's pleasure and excitement and danger and fun. It could end tomorrow for any of about a hundred different reasons, but most of those are not worth worrying about.

Now, I don't think there is such a thing as a relationship that has no strings (and I don't consider a one night stand to be a relationship), but there's string, there's twine, there's rope, and there are various types of metal chains. What I'm saying is that those of us in the relationship should get to decide what it means and how much attachment there is, not an arbitrary standard associated with "dating."

So, are we clear?

Fucking is not dating.....

.....unless you fall in love.

Then it becomes something else entirely.

6 comments:

H said...

how about if you like fucking dating? :)

Great post, I agree with you completely

JerZey Girl said...

#1 I am SO confused! #2. I have broken about half of your rules already including fucking a single guy, falling in love...UGH! Anyway, this made me smile just before going to meet my boss to fuck. Oh, shit is that another one of your rules that I have broken???

If he takes me out to lunch afterwards is it a "date" or "payment"??

Ms. Inconspicuous said...

Oh, until you get to the "unless you fall in love" part. Just had to toss that in there, didn'tcha? :D

Big Kahuna said...

Love the discussion with your hubby - sounds just like my insecurities with my wife when she goes out with her girlfriend,whether it be lunch, date or to fuck each other.

Men (Husbands) - We are just unfortunately geared to insecurity WAY DEEP DOWN past the macho when we do in fact love some one. Likely even the bad boy fuck buddy has when with his person he loves. Women are simply more mature emotionally.

Ryan Beaumont said...

Tell hubby that "huggin' it out" is the new bro-mantic thing to do so your just being one of the guys.

Kat said...

H - Thanks. Fucking dating...hmmm

JerZey Girl - Fucking your boss is a bad, BAD idea for some many reasons. I hope it works out for you, but the aren't good, my friend.

Ms. I - Falling in love always complicates things, doesn't it?

Big Kahuna - I agree with you. I think we're all gushy and soft way down, not just men.

Ryan - LOL Huggin' it out....I AM going to try that. hahah