My Lover or My God?

I think of him with longing every day.
The thoughts of him flow gently in and out of my consciousness
Like a thick but fading fog giving way to the gentle breezes of morning.
I'm cold.

Is the cold because of his absence or my nakedness?
I know I can't resist my desire for his presence.
The more I try, the more I need. The more I need, the more I fear.
I'm afraid.

I fear that my need won't be satisfied and that it will.
In the confusion of my own feelings I turn one way, then the other
Unable to commit to staying or going, diving in with my whole heart or walking away.
I'm ashamed.

I feel shame for wanting him like I do.
Echoes of childhood prayers and devotions reverberate through my soul,
Clouding my thoughts and intensifying my loneliness.
I'm alone.

In the calm of my solitude, I find clarity.
He fills me and fulfills me as no one else ever could.
I fall to my knees, look up, and open myself to him.
I'm free.

But who is the subject of my longing?
My lover or my God?

********************************************************

I started this as a response to this week's FFF, but the picture really didn't do anything for me or help me go where I wanted to go with the sentiment of the poem. So, I just went my own way.

Many of us struggle with the nagging choice between prowling and fidelity, between the morality we grew up with and the fulfillment we need now. Often we come to understand that it's not a choice between one or the other, but a mosaic of choices, mistakes, passion, loss, and love that makes up our life.

Room 201 (Part 1 of 2)

I looked at my phone and the text read, "Room 201."

I replied, "Geez, you're already there?"  He was about an hour early. That's ok. Eager is good.

I had to wait another 10-15 minutes before I could leave without attracting attention, but as soon as I could, I texted, "Leaving now."

The 30 minute drive went quickly.  I wondered what it would be like to see him after so long. Would it be awkward? As good as before?  Better?

When I pulled into the hotel parking lot, I sent my final text, "I'm here."

I walked in the front door and headed straight to the elevator and up to the second floor. Room 201 was close to the elevator.  The door was propped open by the slider lock.  I pushed the door open and returned the lock to its proper position before closing the door.

I stepped in."Hello?"

He walked around the corner and stood in front of me. I smiled and said, " Hi, JJ."  He slipped his arms around me and said, "Hi, Baby" just before kissing me deeply. We stood there kissing for a long time. Eventually he pulled off my blouse and bra and touched a breast. I sighed what would be the first of many sighs acknowledging both the pleasure of the sensations and memories of experiencing them before.

He reached a hand into my pants and started stroking my clit. I wiggled out of my pants to give him easier access. His was an experienced touch.  He knew exactly how to please me. He should.  He's had years of practice.

I started tugging on his shirt, trying to get it off. He pulled it off for me, then his pants, and we jumped into bed. It made me smile that before we did, we followed the same routine of pulling back the bedspread - him on his side and me on mine - and then the blanket and sheet. It had been 11 months since we'd seen each other, but those little routines and habits were still there.

We got in bed and I curled up next to him, feeling a comfortable understanding that this was where I belonged. It felt right. He kissed me again and again before sliding his hand between my legs. He slid a couple of fingers inside me, finger fucking me. After a couple of minutes, he rubbed his palm across my clit with each stroke.  That was like flipping a switch.  I was still kissing him, and I screamed into his mouth as I came, bucking against his hand.

I knew that was his warm up. As soon as my shuddering subsided, he said, "Get on your knees." I scurried into position. He moved behind me and slid his hard cock into me slowly.  I sighed and moaned this time. Ohmygod it felt amazing, filling me completely.

Not only do I *love* JJ's cock, but I haven't had a cock inside me for a few months. I know.  That's crazy, isn't it?  Me! After a while, you tell yourself that you don't really need it, and that works until you are fucked again and reminded exactly how much you do need it.

"Fuck me!" I moaned loudly, hoping he would go faster, and he did. I got dizzy  when he started pounding me full force, not because it hurt, but because it was pure pleasure - all control taken away, grabbing onto the sheets and bracing myself by putting a hand on the wall in front of me to keep from being pushed into it, his fingers digging into my hips. The orgasm came on me like an explosion, like the dizziness was the burning fuse and the launch propelled me to another level of pleasure. I screamed and bucked against him. Soon after I came, while I was still coming, actually, he released into me, groaning loudly, pulling me back onto him as he took his final thrusts.

After he came he pulled out and collapsed next to me.  Holy shit! I thought. I have missed that so much. I looked at him and realized I've missed him so much.

I curled up next to him and we kissed some more. In between kisses, we finally talked.

"I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too."

"I never stopped loving you."

"Me, neither."

"Don't ever leave me again."

"I won't."

Eventually, we started talking about ordinary things. Had he started training yet for that upcoming race? How my boys are, what's going on with his family, you saved how much when you switched from AT&T to T-Mobile?

More kisses, then he reached between my legs again. Time to go again? I thought. He answered that unspoken question a moment later when he smiled and said, "On your knees again."

To be continued.....

A Thanksgiving Blessing

On this Thanksgiving Day, and beyond....

May we all be truly thankful for the goodness in our lives - our families, friends, jobs, and joy, our homes, health, pets and prosperity;

May we all focus on bringing joy to those we love rather than nurturing our own wants;

May we all make room in our hearts for forgiveness so we can let go of resentments for harms of the past;

May we all find a way to be of service to others as a way of living our gratitude;

May we all release any guilt or regret so we and those we love can thoroughly enjoy this day;

May we all take some time to search our hearts and reflect on all the love that surrounds and enfolds us. May we be grateful for that most of all.

----------------------------

To all readers of PWK,

Many of you are friends, some have been lovers, one of you still is. ;-)  Whether you commented and engaged with our community or chose to simply lurk, please know that I am so grateful for all of you over the past several years. PWK has been a place where I can share who I am without conforming to who I need to pretend to be in the rest of my life. I've shared highs and lows, and connected with people here who have become very important to me. I don't say it enough, so I'll say it now.....

Thank you!

Kat

Kat's Version of a Sweet Saying

I'm sure you've heard this very sweet little saying before. It's meant to make you feel better if someone leaves you.

Isn't that sweet?

Here's my version for today.

Yeah, I'm working on my attitude.

February's Sex Blog Chain - Love

February is the month of love, so of course that's the topic for this month's Sex Blog Chain.Our participating bloggers have quite a variety for you this month.

Ryan Beaumont - I Want to Thank You for Giving Me the Best Day - Ryan wins the award for "real life love" this month with his post that highlights the difference between falling in love and real love between two committed partners. His story really moved me.

Advizor - Honored  - The photo alone makes this one worth visiting. However, beyond that, it's quite a moving post.

Same Sassy Girl - The Love Chat - Both spicy and sweet. Sassy gives you a glimpse of an "I love you" chat with Phil. These two sure do love taking photos!

Ponyboy - Taking Her for Granted - Ponyboy discusses what a marriage looks like when the couple takes each her for granted, and how that can be avoided.

Kat - Love and Living Deliberately - I wrote about living life fully sand sucking all the marrow out of life.  No, that is not a euphemism for giving head. Sorry.

Remember, please take the time to comment as you read these posts and consider following these bloggers if you don't already.  If you do, share them with your friends. We *love* being passed around. ;-)

Also, stop by the Sex Blog Chain page to read the posts from previous months.  Some are pretty hot and naughty, but all are worth reading.

Love and Living Deliberately

I was talking with a friend yesterday about living deliberately and I pulled up the quote from Henry David Thoreau's Walden that talked about living deliberately, sucking the marrow out of life, cutting a broad swath and shaving close, and driving life into a corner. The part that hit home for me the most was the part about how he didn't want, when it came time to die, to discover that he hadn't yet lived.

Life is short. We've been given a seemingly unlimited capacity to love other people, yet we hold back for a whole bunch of stupid reasons. Of course, we don't think they are stupid at the time.

The biggest one is fear.  We're afraid that the other person won't love us back so we push our own feelings down as deeply as we can or we refuse to express them. If I don't tell you I love you then you can't reject me, right?  That's just crazy, isn't it? Sometimes we're afraid that loving someone will take us to a place we don't want to go, a place that will cause us to bring disorder to the life that we've been so careful to order or a place that will cause us to hurt others we love. This fails to acknowledge that love doesn't eliminate your decision-making ability. You still decide who and what you are and how you treat others in your life.  .

Another reason we hold back is a misunderstanding of what love is . We think we can't love more than one person. Well, it's likely that you already do.  You love your spouse, your parents, your siblings, your children. Sure, you love all these folks differently because love for each person is as unique and individual as people are. You would never say to a second child, "Sorry, I can't love you because I already love your older brother." That would just be ridiculous wouldn't it? Yet we essentially do the same thing with our adult relationships.  We limit our friendships and other love relationships because we "already have one."

It's time to quit listening to that little girl on the playground in first grade who told you that you could only have one best friend. You can have as many as you want. In fact, the more you share of yourself and your love, the richer your life is. Real love doesn't diminish the other loving relationships in your life, it enhances them

And there's another reason people hold back their love, and I've seen this a lot among men - they think that if they allow themselves to love another woman besides their wife that it means they are making a decision to leave their wife. Whoa! The decision to give a piece of your heart to someone and the decision to rearrange your whole life and tear apart your family are completely different things.

Some consider it a betrayal of their spouse if they love another.  By the way, I'm not talking about sex here. I'm talking about love. I certainly can't tell anyone what their own definition of betrayal is, but consider this: If you are in a relationship with another person that is close enough that you are making the decision not to talk about love because you think that would be a betrayal and if you're keeping it a secret, then you have already crossed that line.

Personally, I don't consider loving another to be a betrayal of my marriage vows. I never promised to close my heart to all other people from the moment of my wedding onward. I never promised to ration the love in my heart and give it only to those my husband approved. I never gave away the right to my own feelings, my own life. Marriage doesn't mean he owns me, body and soul. It means we love each other and we're sharing our lives together and we've promised ever to leave each other, to support each other through sickness and health, good times and bad, etc.  I honor all of those commitments. But I won't give away my right to love whomever I choose.

In the end, it's my life. The regrets will be mine alone.  Those don't get shared. So far, I've never regretted opening my heart to another person, even when I ended up hurt. Love is about the only thing in this life that is all good. What rational reason could I possibly have for limiting it? All of the reasons listed above are compromises. They buy you some safety and security, but the cost is very high. Maybe you're ok with that cost. If so, ok.

But I'm not. I'm not willing to end up at the end of my life (which could be today for all I know) saying, "I had the chance to experience an infinite amount of love, but I limited myself to just a small measure because it was safer or because someone told me that's all I should have." No, I prefer to be able to look back and feel the flood of goodness erupting from all the love I gave and received.

This doesn't mean that I'll have romantic feelings of love for everyone I meet. In fact, it's pretty rare. But it means that when they do rise up within me, I don't hold them back, even if the other person doesn't love me back.  Ouch.  Yeah, that's the hard part.  However, my part of "sucking the marrow out of life" is about giving love and opening myself completely to the human experience. Sometimes that hurts. Another person's refusal to give love to me (or anyone else)  is really not my business.  It's sad for them. It puts them in with most people who are in great danger of facing death someday realizing that they didn't truly live.

I've never once heard someone faced with a terminal illness say, "I so regret loving so many people and telling them that I love them." No, they usually express regret for opportunities to express their love that they didn't take. They often spend a significant portion of their remaining time telling people they love them and opening their hearts to love.

Why wait until the end of life is in sight to live deliberately and to love? If there is someone in your life you love that doesn't know how you feel, regardless of the kind of love it is, tell them today.  Right now.  Quit playing the tape in your head of all the objections and justification and reasons for not telling them.  Just do it.

Let that be your gift to yourself today.

The Intimacy Challenge

There's no rule book for this lifestyle.  I wish there were. I've written a whole bunch of tips and I still believe they are valid, good guidelines, but there are still parts that I haven't been able to master.

Intimacy is one of them. It's not that I haven't had intimacy with anyone other than my husband.  To the contrary, I've been blessed with a number of intimate relationships, and I am grateful for every one.

The problem is that I tend to give away too much of myself in pursuit of intimacy. I charge right in and give my heart away freely and am more than willing to do my part to maintain and grow the relationship, but when it becomes clear that the other person isn't, I just keep giving and giving and giving, hoping that he'll figure it out and come around. You know what? They never do.

Don't get me wrong.  Not every prowling relationship needs to be an emotionally intimate one.  I've had some fantastic fuck buddy relationships that were absolutely wonderful...for what they were. You can read about a bunch of them in the archives. J, P, and C were/are all great examples of this type of relationship.  It's fun. It's exciting. But it's not intimate.

When I say I need a rule book, that's not to say that I haven't learned anything, because I definitely have.  For example, if your lover says he wants an emotionally intimate relationship with you but he rarely, if ever, has time for any substantive conversations or email, he's showing you what he really wants - and it's not intimacy. If the only time he has time for you is when it's time for fucking, he's made it very clear what he wants, regardless of what he says. So why do you keep trying to push him toward intimacy? He wants a fuck buddy. Accept it. Be a fuck buddy or move on.

Here's another example. If a man tells you that he doesn't love you and he's not going to, what should you get from that? That he doesn't love you and he's not going to. I can't imagine why someone would say that in that way to someone they claim to care about, but that's beside the point. Here's what I tend to hear - that he doesn't love me, yet. However, when he continues by saying that he's not going to, that pretty much negates the possibility of "yet." This man either wants to be a fuck buddy or a friend. The conundrum I have is that my close friends, the very few I have, love me. Do I even know how to have a close friendship with someone who says upfront that he's not going to love me?  I don't know. Yeah, it confuses me, too.

Want another example? What does it mean when a very close intimate friend quits communicating with you? No, this isn't a trick question, but it seems to be for me sometimes. The answer is: The relationship is over. If the communication is only one way, it's not communication. If the intimacy is only flowing one way, it's not intimacy.

Now that I've said all that, here's a very important thing to remember - None of those guys are wrong. Maybe they could have expressed themselves better or more directly, but they each made their intentions clear either through what they said or through their actions. They didn't lie. They didn't intentionally try to be hurtful, even if they were. They did their best. That's all we can really ask, isn't it?

They just suck at intimacy. Just like me, only they suck at it by not giving enough of themselves and I suck at it by giving too much.

This is just general relationship stuff.  It has nothing to do with prowling.  When you add the infidelity dynamic it just stirs it up so what was a little messy becomes mud.

The bottom line question is: How much of yourself are you willing to give away in pursuit of intimacy? If the other person has made it clear they don't want that with you (like my examples above), the answer should be NOTHING. If it's the right person and he/she is capable and willing of giving as much a you do, my answer is EVERYTHING because it is, without question, worth it.

Kat's Seven New Year's Non- Resolutions

I hate New Year's resolutions. Does anyone ever keep them? So you must be wondering why I'm making some. I'm not. I'm making non-resolutions.

I'm constantly thinking of ways to grow and improve.  I don't just do it January.  If I only did it in January, I would really run amuck throughout the rest of the year. My non-resolutions are more like priorities, reminders, things to keep in mind to reach the goals I have in mind. But it's a continual list, rather that a once-a-year list. Throughout the year, things get added and other things drop off.

This isn't the comprehensive list, but it includes the items I'm willing to share..

1. Focus more on intimacy, rather than sex. I think I can finally say that I've head enough sex in my life.  Well not really, but I've reached a point where sex alone is not what I'm interested in. Don't worry. I'm not giving up sex, which would mean this blog would eventually become about knitting and cats, and no one wants that.  Am I right? But sex within the context of intimacy takes things to a whole different level. "Kat, does this mean you'll never have casual sex again?" If that question even crossed your mind, your clearly don't know me.
2. Follow my own rules.  I'll admit it.  I've become pretty sloppy about the rules over the past year, and several of you have called me out on that. What rules am I talking about? Kat's Top 10 Cheating Rules, of course. The number one rule is "Married Men Only."  Strike 1.  I broke that one. Another rule is Safety First and that includes everything from getting a first and last name before meeting someone, making sure someone always knows where you are, always using condoms, and a bunch of other safety-focused precautions. Strike 2. My risk taking behavior has gone way too far.  Time to refocus on safety. Another rule : Communicate. Strike 3. I know you may find it hard to believe that I don't communicate well, but I do have a tendency to hold back on talking about things that upset me and I take way to long to admit out loud that a relationship isn't working for me.
3. Be open to new experiences.  I'm not just talking about sex here.  I'm talking about new experiences of all varieties.  Life is too short to get stuck in a rut.
4. Be more consistent - in everything. This means keeping in touch with friends (as few as they are) consistently, rather than communicating once and then not again for months.  It means posting on PWK and my other blogs (for work) regularly. It means being more consistent at home with my children and Hubby.
5. Love more. Trust more. Reach out more. To be fair, I'm already pretty out there, but I tend to pull back when it counts.  I trust when it really doesn't matter and become too self-protective when it does. That's not what I want.  Finding and sharing love is what life's all about. 
6. Forgive more. Part of the reason I've held back and not trusted as much as I would like to is that I've been burned several times in the last year or two. People I've trusted and loved have chosen to just disappear from my life or pull way back without a reasonable explanation or any real excuse. In one case, it was a very good friend who got a new girlfriend and then pretty much quit speaking to me. I need to let those things go and forgive.  It doesn't mean I have to open myself and trust them again, but I do need to forgive.
7. Fuck more. Duh.  This one is a no brainer.  You didn't think I was going all celibate on you, did you? Hell no! And focusing more on intimacy, rather than sex, does not mean have less sex. I want more sex, but I definitely want more good sex....with intimacy. It's a tall order, I know, but that's what I want.

There you have it. Do you have any New Year's non-resolutions to share?

Happy New Year!

End of an Era...and Some Other Thoughts

End of an Era

I never thought this would happen, but Strange Hotel Guy sold the hotel. The place that JJ and I used as our "home base" for about a year and a half is now owned by someone else. It's really a shame because it took us a long time to train Strange Hotel Guy (JJ calls him Creepy Hotel Guy), his wife Mrs. Strange, and the Strange kids. They knew which room we wanted. They didn't require a credit card.  Toward the end, they didn't even require ID.

I walked in once and Mrs. Strange said, "Hi, Kat! How are you today?" (Wow! She knew my name! I guess showing up over 50 times had an impact.)

What I said: "I'm great, thank you.  How are you?"
What I thought; "I'm awesome! Just a few minutes away from a nice hard fucking.  How's Mr. Strange serving you these days?"

No more Strange Hotel Guy.  No more Strange Family.  Eegads! This means we have to find another hotel that won't take a credit card.  And we have train new staff all over again. {sigh}

Truly, this is the end of an era. Maybe it's time to take it back out to the country roads again.

A Few Things I Have to Get Off My Chest

This first thing I had decided I wasn't ever going to mention, but I think enough time has passed (several weeks) so I can be somewhat graceful about it. There is a certain blog that posts a Top 100 Sex Bloggers list each year.  The list is decided by a single individual - the owner and author of the blog. I'm sure she gets some input from her friends, which makes perfect sense, of course, but there is no formal process for making the determination. It's just the blogs she likes.

However, most people are not aware of this and they assume that the blogs on the list are the cream of the crop. To be fair, there are some excellent blogs on her list. There's also some crap.  But that's just MY individual opinion.

Last year, I was on the list. I think I was number 35 or something like that.  This year, I wasn't on the list at all. Huh?  Really? Not at all? Yes, Prowlers, not at all. Clearly, I did something to piss this person off, even though I have never said a negative word about her or her blog. I'm not mentioning her name now or the name of her blog so I don't break that record.

But it did piss me off.  More than a little, certainly more than it should have.

"What's the big deal, Kat?" Well, obviously, my ego is bruised. But it's not just that.  Being on her list is a traffic bonanza because lots of people search for lists of sex blogs.  Many of you found PWK through that list, didn't you?

I've passed "getting it off my chest" and now I'm moving officially into whining.  It takes a lot of work to keep a blog going. Regular posting isn't as easy as it seems. Being creative and producing quality posts are not a walk in the park, either. I don't do it to be on anyone's list. I do it for myself...and for you guys.

I should stop now or I'll say something I regret.

Next topic.....

The topic of LOVE has come up recently in several emails and conversations with readers, so I want to review a few things here. I wrote about Heartache about a year ago. The point of that post was to keep your eyes open and keep your wits about you when you're in an affair or affair-type relationship.  I've had my heart stomped on a few times now. It sucks. But I'm still a believer in loving.  So far, after the pain subsides, I've never regretted loving someone, but I have regretted holding myself back and not letting myself love.

Here's another post about love in an extramarital relationship - That Pesky L Word. This one is definitely worth a read.

For the friend who asked me recently if she should pull back because the man she's in love with doesn't love her..... I am SO the wrong person to answer this question, but for what it's worth.... Don't think you can change him. Accept him for who he is. If you can really be happy without him loving you (unlikely), then go for it, but don't assume you can make him love you or want you more. If you can't live with the fact that he's always going to keep that emotional wedge between you, then by all means, protect yourself emotionally.  Either pull back emotionally or end the relationship. Take care of yourself. Do what feels right.  Usually, if you're honest with yourself, you know what that is.

A final thought on that.... Generally speaking, I'd rather regret something I did than something I didn't do.  I'm just sayin'.....

As for the end of the world.....

Well, it's been nice knowing you, Prowlers. Gee, since the world is ending tomorrow and there won't be any backlash, I should probably just speak my mind on the 100 Sex Blogger list, huh? LOL. I don't think so.

Ryan wrote a special post just for this event. It's the End of the World As We Know It is a great title and a great song. For those of you who may not be familiar with Ryan's blog, The Ashley Madison Adventures of  Regular Guy Gone Bad, Ryan references music a lot.....and food. And he's funny. Take a few minutes and read some of his posts.  You'll like them.  But read them quickly because the world is ending, so you don't have much time.

I was talking with JJ this week and one of us brought up the end of world. Here's a snippet of that conversation:

Kat: If the end of the world on Friday is actually the Rapture, then I won't be going anywhere.

JJ: Me, either.  I guess I'll see you next month, then.

Seriously, I don't believe the world will end tomorrow.  However, it shouldn't matter. We should all be prepared to go at any time. Have you lived the life you wanted to live?  Have you done the things you wanted to do? I learned this lesson from Steve. 

Live like there's no tomorrow.

Live now. Love now. 

The Bath

I don't usually take a bath.  I'm more of a shower kind of gal, but it had been a long day and I needed the time alone to decompress and relax more than I needed to be washed. I had been out in the rain, so my clothes were clinging to me, adhered to my skin by cold water.  I was shivering.

I began to undress as I ran the water, dropping my clothes into a disheveled pile on the floor.  I added some bubble bath and then stood there in only my panties and stared at the pile as I waited for the tub to fill.  I thought about how everything in that pile was clean and pressed this morning - and now look at it. It was kind of like me.  I started out the day all filled with energy and hope, and now I was cold and exhausted and stressed.

I checked the temperature of the water.  Perfect.  Nice and hot.  Hotter than most people would like it. I reached over and turned off the water, slipped out of my panties and stepped in.

The heat of the water against my cold skin stung as I eased in, but soon the sting transformed to pleasurable warmth that had magical powers.  It was as if the stress and negativity was being sucked out of me, inch by inch, as the sting disappeared. As I slowly lowered my body into the tub, the sting of the hot water on new portions of skin collided in my brain with the intense pleasure of release from other parts. I surrendered to it, letting my mind slip into a nearly meditative state as my body was enveloped by the water.

I exhaled slowly when I was laying down in the tub. Yeah, this is exactly what I needed. I put a washcloth behind my head as a pillow and noticed that my shoulders were hunched and tight. I rolled them back a few times, intentionally trying to relax them, an act which caused me to notice the tension throughout the rest of my body - my neck, my back, my abdomen.  I was one big knot of tension and anxiety. Clearly, the hot water alone was not enough to relax me.

I decided to try some meditation, but my thoughts kept drifting to him. I remembered what he'd said to me earlier in the day and it made me smile. I wondered what he was doing right at that moment as I was laying naked in my tub thinking of him.

Most of the little waves of water left from my getting into the tub had subsided, but little ripples of water lapped at my nipples which were sticking out of the water. At first, I thought, I sure wish we had a bigger tub, but then I lifted a hand and flipped it down quickly, creating more ripples so I could enjoy more of the sensation of the teasing water.

I closed my eyes and imagined that it were him playing with my nipples, not touching me anywhere else, gently brushing his fingers against my nipples, telling me not to move. I grabbed a washcloth and put it over my eyes, imagining it was a blindfold. Soon, the gentleness of the water wasn't enough, and I reached up and started pinching and flicking each nipple myself. My pussy instantly twitched.

Keeping my left hand on my left breast, I slipped my right hand slowly between my legs and found my clit, pressing on it gently.....holding....waiting. I could "hear" him whispering in my ear, telling me not to move, telling me to wait when what I wanted more than anything at that moment was to start rocking my hips and pressing against his hand. I could imagine him looking at me, smiling, amused at my pathetic attempt to control myself. I pinched my left nipple as hard as I could. Was I attempting to distract myself? It was poor attempt if that's what I was trying to do because it caused a jolt of pleasure to shoot downward making my hips thrust forward. I imagined him laughing out loud at my lack of self control.

No. I couldn't wait any longer. I circled my clit slowly with my finger as I gently rocked my hips. Very gently. Just enough to get the water lapping at that right nipple while I continued to pinch the left.

I imagined him joining me in the tub, sliding his hardness inside me as I wrapped my legs around him. Then he kissed me. I melted into that kiss, wishing it could last forever, wishing it were real.

The orgasm didn't sneak up on me like happens sometimes.  This one was like a freight train. The vibrations started in the distance and roared forward in a fury, finally exploding with a geyser of pleasure like the steam bursting forth from the exhaust chute of a steam engine.

I bit my lip as I tried not to make any noise. I wished he were there to kiss me hard and muffle the sounds so I could enjoy it with abandon, but he wasn't. As the shaking subsided, the illusion I had created for myself had evaporated. The cool air on my breasts and the tops of my shoulders now felt cold. For a moment, the comforting solitude of the bath felt lonely and sad.  I really did want him to be here with me. No matter how I tried to think about it differently, the reality was that I was there and he wasn't. That's the way it was and there was nothing I could do about it.

I reflected for a few minutes as I cleaned myself on how strange it was to feel so connected to someone while being so physically distant.....and to feel so disconnected from someone who is physically close. It's not that I feel completely disconnected from Hubby.  Not at all. But there's a part of me that he'll never understand, that he doesn't even want to understand.

I felt that loneliness return briefly as I thought about that.  Then I realized the water had cooled down. It wasn't hot and inviting anymore, but tepid and dull.

No, I told myself. No tepid and dull for me. Not anymore. That's not the life I choose.

I sat up, pulled the plug out with my toe and heard the water start gushing down the drain. I stood up quickly and grabbed my favorite big towel from the towel rack. As I wrapped it around me, my mind slipped one more time to thoughts of him - of his arms sliding around me as he pulled me close to him. Then I stepped out of the tub and pushed the thoughts of him away. It was time to come back to now, to this moment, this place. I dried off and wiggled into the clean panties and oversized shirt I had brought in with me. I hung up the towel and ran a brush through my hair. The I pulled on the big fluffy robe I loved and opened the door.  As I stepped into the hallway, I remembered my dirty clothes and I turned around to get them, but I didn't quite make it.  My youngest son came flying down the hallway, screaming, "The Robe!!!!"

I laughed and steadied myself because I knew what was coming. He launched at me and I caught him in the air. Dang, he gets bigger every day. We ended up on the floor with me tickling him and him struggling to wiggle inside part of the warm fluffy robe. I pretended to be trying to keep him out.  Eventually, though, he won (he always does) and we ended up in a big, robe-enveloped hug. I knew I'd have him there for about 30 seconds before he'd leap up and skip away, so I held him close and breathed him in and kissed his head as much as he'd let me.

My heart was full, and three simple, but powerful, thoughts overwhelmed me.

This is now.  This is real.  This is love.

My First Fuck Buddy

I was in college at the time. I'd had boyfriends and a couple affairs with married men by the time I met the guy who was to be my first fuck buddy.  His name was Ben.

I met Ben at a party. It started like it always did, with some guy swaggering up to me and asking if he could get me a drink. This one was cute, though.  And he was a baseball player, there on a baseball scholarship, no less, and you know how I feel about baseball. We talked.  We drank. We kissed.  We drank some more. Then we went back to his place and fucked for several hours. He had a very nice body - not a Pablo Sandoval body, but more of an Aubrey Huff body. Lean, muscular.

Anyway, after coming and fucking a few times, I got up started getting my clothes.  He asked me where I was going and I told him I was heading back to my room.  I thanked him politely for a nice time, etc., and then he asked me to stay the night.  I was horrified. Stay the night? Nooooooooo.  I explained that I never stay the night. That sort of intimacy was reserved for someone I really cared about or loved. The look he gave me as I was leaving was the first sign I had that I was different than "normal women." It was about the sex for me, not the cuddling or the pillow talk.

Before I go on, I need to tell you that the sex was good, very good.  No, it was great! The stamina of a 19 year old is hard to beat. And he responded to direction well...and learned quickly.

He called the next week and asked me out.  When he showed up at my dorm to pick me up, he suggested dinner, a movie, and then maybe some fun like we had the previous week. Sounded good to me. That was to be our first, and last, date.

The next week, he called and invited me over for the fun part.  Great.  We were fuck buddies for two years. I had a couple of different boyfriends in that time, and he had more than a few girlfriends, but through them all, we still connected once or twice a week for "fun." We had very little contact in-between play sessions (except for long talks about baseball after games when I'd tell him things I noticed about his play or that of his teammates), but our "arrangement" was common knowledge among both of our sets of friends. Friends of mine would run up to me every now then, very concerned about me as they told me they had seen him flirting with some other gal, and they seemed very confused when I wasn't bothered by it at all. His friends would report to him when they'd see me kissing some other guy at a party. He wasn't surprised or annoyed by that information, either. I considered it to be the perfect fuck buddy arrangement.

Then things started to change. All of a sudden, he asked me if I could keep my flirting more private so his friends wouldn't see.  Then he told me he didn't care if I fucked other guys, but he asked if I could please do it in secret because his friends were giving him a bad time about it. WTF?! I didn't agree to that.  He got mad.  It looked like our arrangement was going to end.  But it didn't.

What happened several months later, though, ended it for good.  Sort of.

His best friend was visiting from another state and he brought him over to my room to meet me.  I have a feeling that his friend wanted to know if I really existed. Ben was already pretty drunk when they arrived. We hung out for a while drinking and ......well.......using some other chemicals that were popular in the early-80's. Within 30 minutes, Ben passed out on my bed. His friend and I kept talking, and drinking, and you know what happened.  One thing led to another and the next thing I know, we were both naked on my roommate's bed and I was riding him like I hadn't had sex for a l-o-n-g time - with arousal that was enhanced, I'm sure, by that popular early-80's substance.

It was fantastic sex. It was amazing sex. It was noisy sex.

Ben never stirred.

We got dressed and curled up on my roommates bed and fell asleep.

We woke up the next morning and they left. Everything was fine.

Three days later, Ben came bursting into my room, deliriously angry.

"Did you really fuck my best friend when I was asleep in the bed right next to you?!"

I knew it wasn't time to lie or to make light of things, even though I really wanted to say, "Yeah, and I also gave him head and tongue-fucked his ass, too."  But I was scared.  I had never seen him like that before.

"Yes," I said quietly.

He sat down right next to me and continued, "And then you slept with him....all night?" That's when I saw the tears in his eyes.

Oh my god.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I didn't realize....I thought you wouldn't care."

He stood up, and threw the chair he was sitting in across the room. The he yelled, "You are so stupid!"

And he left.

I was stunned. We had been fuck buddies for about two years.  The arrangement had never changed from what it was at the beginning - at least not from my perspective.  Sure, I thought his recent request that I not be seen with other guys in public was a bit strange, but he said that was all about his friends giving him grief. I was confused. I tried to talk it over with my current boyfriend, and let's just say that didn't go over very well at all.

I didn't hear from Ben at all for a couple of weeks, and I didn't see him around school, either. I was sad. I missed him, but I wasn't broken up about it.

Then he called and asked if I could come over. I got to his place and we sat down to talk.  He apologized for his violent outburst in my room. He acknowledged that he should have told me that his friend was off limits.  He asked if we could forget that any of it happened and just go back to the way things were. I was all for it.

We started fooling around, though, and it was clear that something was different. He was gentler, the sex was much less raw. It felt like making love rather than fucking and then, in the middle of the act, he said it.

"I love you, Kat."

Shit.

I didn't answer, but we kept fooling around for a long time.  After, I started to get up, but he grabbed my arm and asked me to stay.

Double shit.

I stayed.  As I drifted off to sleep, I knew that we were done.

After that school year, I got married and changed schools. I came back to see some friends and later that night as I was about to leave, I saw him. He stopped the car and called me over.  We sat in his car talking for a couple of hours. He asked if we could fool around one more time, "for old times' sake," but I was newly married and not interested in having sex with anyone without Hubby's consent.

I got out of the car and watched him drive away. I was sad, but I glad that we'd had the chance to talk. This felt like closure - finally.

Looking back, I realize how naive I was to believe that a sexual relationship as intense as that one could go on for two years without one of us developing an emotional attachment. I used to think that something was wrong with him. Weren't guys supposed to be the ones who had sex without caring? But after a few years of therapy, I learned that I was the one who was broken, not him. There was a reason why sex and love were (and are) completely separate for me, and it's not a good thing.  It's not a normal thing. If I hadn't been so fucked up, Ben and I would have ended up as boyfriend-girlfriend. We had so much in common.  We got along great. Maybe he and I would have married.  Who knows?

I have wanted to apologize to Ben for years now. I wouldn't be apologizing for the sex because that was fantastic, but for the way I handled it when he started developing feelings for me. I want to apologize for making him feel like he had done something wrong, like there was something wrong with him, when in reality it was me. He knew something was wrong with my reaction, but he couldn't name it.  It was just his intuitive sense of knowing that I was not responding like a normal person should. And I had no clue about how badly I was broken.

Now, decades later, I still miss him.

The Ones Who Broke My Heart ....

I have no idea why I'm writing this post. It's just in me, pushing to come out.  Daunt and I were talking about that recently - how sometimes a post just demands to be written, and when that happens it pretty much writes itself.

Here's how it came about for me today.  I was thinking about Hubby and our date night today.  Then I was thinking about JJ and a really nice text exchange we had earlier today. Then I was reflecting on how much I loved these two men. I love them differently, but they are both very important to me. Then my mind started wandering to the few others I've loved in my life, and how it went with them.

Believe it or not, I've only fallen in love - and I mean head over heals in love - several times in my life. I've had relationships that looked like they were going in that direction, but then something changed before affection was transformed into love.

Real love....for me it's rare, and permanent. I don't think I've ever fallen out of love with anyone I really loved. Sometimes the relationship changed, but the feelings never did for me.  Sometimes it just doesn't work out the way you would like, and that can be a good thing.  A friendship with someone you love is wonderful.

I definitely love Hubby, and I always will.  And I love JJ. There's no doubt about that. I know, though, that there will be a point at which there will be heartbreak with each of them.

One of the things I like to say about marriage is that it never ends well. It always ends in either divorce or death.  Well, I don't see divorce in my future with Hubby at all, but I see death on the horizon (hopefully, far away on the horizon), and that sucks.

As for JJ, you know that I've told you that prowling always leads to heartache. It's just a matter of when. But I plan to enjoy JJ for every moment that I can.

There are others, though, who broke my heart along the way (in no particular order):

Matt - Matt was my boyfriend for just a few months in 8th grade. He was the first boy I ever made out with (although not my first kiss). He dumped me for a girl named Gina who was always showing off her precociously big tits by wearing tube tops even though that was clearly against the dress code at school (but I'm not bitter...really, I'm not. LOL). Matt didn't have the nerve to dump me to my face.  Instead, he requested our song at a school dance and then danced with her. Then, with everyone watching - looking at them, then at me, then back at them - he kissed her. That's how I found out that we were done. I was completely heartbroken and humiliated.  As strange as it sounds, it still stings me a little today.

Webcam Guy - It was a unique relationship.  We met on AM, had some sexual encounters, but not many.  Mostly, we became very good friends, and it was a friendship that kind of snuck up on me unexpectedly. I shared things with him that I had never told anyone. He meant a lot to me (he still does) and eventually I fell for him.  I am pretty sure it was more on the friendship side than the romantic side, but it really doesn't matter because he just cut of all contact with no explanation.  A few months later, he gave me a little more of an explanation, but then all contact was cut off again. That one still hurts a lot, especially whenever I drive by where he lives or works. It will probably make more sense if I explain that I don't make friends easily.  Oh, I can fuck strangers without a second thought and love it, but actually trust someone with anything that really matters to me? That's extremely rare for me.  Close friends worth trusting are hard to find.  I still don't get why he would throw that away.

F- I fell for F very early on in our relationship. We enjoyed many of the same things and we wrote an incredible amount of email in the early days.  Some of it was fantasy, some was just about life. There was an undeniable connection. We both knew it, and we decided to meet in person a couple of months after we met online. That meeting (in a hotel room, of course) didn't go well - for either of us, I think - but we didn't talk about it afterwards.  We just kind of went back to our online relationship, which was great. Both of us had a lot going on in our lives at that time and we didn't really have a chance to meet again. Then, about three or four weeks after our first meeting disaster, I got the email. He didn't want to stick with one person.  He wanted to still look around and see who he could find. I was dumped. When I read it, it felt like all of the air had been sucked out of my lungs. I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't think. I remember the feeling.  It was exactly the feeling I had in 8th grade when I saw Matt kissing Gina on the dance floor. Heartbroken. Humiliated. Rejected. F quickly explained that he still wanted to be friends.  So, I was just being dumped as a lover, not as a friend.  Well, that's better, I thought. Sort of. I agreed, and we continued the friendship, which is a good thing, of course, but over a year later there are still times when that pain rushes back in. I don't think I'll ever forget being rejected.  I try not to let it interfere with our friendship today, but I can't help it sometimes.

Love hurts. The problem is that you can't always tell when it's coming.

Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote in his poem, In Memoriam: 27 (1850)

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

I love that.  It reminds me that I'm not the only one to have loved and lost. My life is richer because of the experiences I've had and the people I've known, especially the ones I've loved. When I think about people who have never known the kind of love that I have, I'm very grateful...even for the ones who broke my heart.

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I know.  Some of you are reading this and thinking. "That's nice, but when do we get another sex post?!?"

Soon, my impatient prowlers.  Soon.

Dreaming of You

I'm laying in bed in the middle of the day,  eyes closed, thinking of you. As I remember your smile, your eyes, and your presence, I relax. I imagine reaching out to you and touching your shoulders, leaning closer to you - close enough to breathe your scent in deeply. I relax even more, imagining your arms slipping around me.

I help you take off your shirt. You pull off my blouse and unhook my bra quickly. My nipples harden instantly when they touch your chest. I try not to let my gasp become audible, but it's no use. You smile and kiss me.

I breathe you in- inhaling as you exhale, exhaling as you inhale. Needing you. Wanting you.

I feel your hand sliding between my legs, and I slide my hand between my legs as I lay on my bed. I imagine that moment when you first touch my clit and I touch myself, releasing the spark of electricity that had been building up. I gasp into your mouth, and you begin to circle my clit with your finger.

I hold onto you with one hand to steady myself. With the other, I fumble with your pants until I can reach in to feel your cock. A growl escapes from me when I realize that you're rock hard. Now I don't just want you; I crave you. I have to have you. I need you.

I've pushed off the covers now and spread my legs, rubbing my clit harder and pinching a nipple with my other hand.

In my imaginary encounter with you, I'm starting to get close to orgasm. I try to break from our kiss to beg you to fuck me, but you grab the hair on the back of my head and force me back to your mouth. I moan, both in protest and pleasure. As I start to shake, I'm begging you as we kiss, moaning into your mouth. You tighten your grip on my hair, making me squeal, taking my attention away from my pussy for a second, long enough to push that orgasm back for a few more seconds.

But here in my room,  on my bed, I have already come once and my hand is drenched with my own juices. But I don't stop, I want more.

In my mind, you pull your hand away from my pussy. I try to object but the sharp pain of your hand pulling my hair roughly as you pull me across the room distracts me.  You put your hand on the back of my neck and bend me over the desk. I feel you pulling off my pants and panties just before you kick my legs apart.

I comply, not even trying to stand up or resist you. I hear you undressing the rest of the way behind me and I grab onto the edges of the desk, knowing what you're about to do.

But you stop. You slide your hands up and down my back very slowly as you rub your hardness against me. I can feel my wetness literally dripping down my inner thigh as your cock becomes drenched.

I feel the tip against me, just positioned there. Then you stop again. You tell me to back onto you. I press back, taking you inside me. I exhale an audible groan of....pleasure? No, relief....relief that you've finally given me what I need.

Then you tell me to move. Just one word, move. I know what you want and I start moving forward and back taking your cock in and then moving off it, not completely, but just until only the head is inside. Then I press back again. I keep moving at a steady pace while you stand still behind me. I wonder if I'm pleasing you, and then **SLAP**. You bring your hand down hard on my ass, making me  jump and squeal.

You sternly tell me to fuck you harder, to show you that I'm your slut.  I nod my head yes and start moving faster. Within 30 seconds I start to come. I ask your permission and try to wait for you. I bite my lip. I ask again, still fucking you. Then I start begging, shaking , knowing I can't wait.

I hear you laugh when I start telling you that I'm sorry. I come hard, almost against my will, but as soon as I do, before I'm done, you pull out. I scream in protest and start to stand, but you roughly push me down again.

Before I can look back at you I feel you driving your hard cock into my ass. Mmmmm... I relax and let my body feel you, breathing deeply to minimize the pain, trying not to pull away, knowing you want me to accept you however you want to take me. I feel the orgasm still rippling through my body as you grab my hips and pull me back onto you as you thrust harder and harder. I grip the desk, loving the feel of the way you are using me, violating me so hard now that you're lifting my feet slightly off the ground with each thrust.

You finally drive deep and hold. I hear you groan and I feel your cock pulsate as you come. I squeeze you, holding you inside me after you let go of my hips.

In my room, I'm coming again, imagining the feel of you, the smell of sex filling the room. I moan loudly, feeling my body tense and then relax slowly as the pleasure washes over me.

I open my eyes, alone in my room. You're gone, but I can still feel you. I drift off to sleep for a nap knowing I'll dream of you and be with you again.

Heartache

I should warn you.  Infidelity rarely ends well. It almost always ends in heartache.

I'm referring to affairs here, not one night stands that are just about sex.  I'm talking about real relationships in which you come to care about each other.  Sometimes it's love; sometimes it's not, but it usually ends badly nonetheless.

I used to say it always ends badly, but there are a few very rare exceptions, so I can't be so absolute anymore.  There's the rare case when the affair turns into a friendship and that friendship lasts for a long time.

But that's about it.

The usual scenario?  Pick one:

1. One or both spouses find out about the affair and there is a lot of pain and anguish.  Sometimes divorce ensues. The best case scenario is that feelings are hurt. The worst is that someone kills someone else in a jealous rage. Both of these are extremes. Divorce and/or a long period of painful rebuilding are closer to the norm.
2. Spouses don't find out, but one or both of the cheaters decides to stop cheating or moves on to another lover.
3. One or both of you are filled with guilt, which is no fun at all and usually leads to scenario #2 (above).
4. Fill in the blank with any one of many tragic endings - disease, death, etc.

I wish I could tell you that post-affair heartache goes away quickly, but I can't. I'm learning first hand that rebuilding a marital relationship when an affair has been discovered is a long process.

As for heartache, I'm still heartbroken about Webcam Guy who cut off all communication with me months ago, even though the relationship had transitioned to a friendship level several months before. I didn't see it coming and I don't think I could have prepared myself for it if I had. I still miss him.

Now that I have thoroughly depressed you, you may be wondering, "Why is Kat telling us this?"

I want you to go into it with your eyes open, if you go into it at all.  You read about the up-side of infidelity here a lot, but it's not all sunshine and roses. An affair is a relationship just like other relationships, except that it's much more complicated and the potential for hurting others is much higher.

That said, is it worth it?

That depends on what you're willing to risk.

My answer is - Absolutely! I wouldn't trade away a single moment with some of the extraordinary people I've met. I've built a life that reaches beyond the borders of the conventional.  I've risked a lot, and I've gained a lot. I appreciate my husband in a way I never would have if I had made different choices. I'm not tortured with thoughts of "what if?" and "the road not taken."

I've shared before that one of the things I was looking for when I cheated the very first time was to feel something.  Anything.  My life had become black and white and I was dying for some color. I have always loved my husband, but the feeling of being penned in and isolated by my marriage was suffocating me.  I needed to breathe.

I got exactly what I asked for. I got some room to breathe. I have become much less isolated.  I've made some great friends. I've experienced some mind-blowing sex.  I've fallen in love. 

And I've had my heart broken.

Both the pain and the joy in my life are deeper and more textured. My life is no longer black and white.

I didn't know what I was getting into the first time, but since then I have known exactly what I was reaching for - and risking.  I chose to live out loud, so to speak, to experience life along a different path than many other people, to be judged by others. I chose my marriage - and more.

In order to get the rich taste out of life, I also chose the heartache.

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To Our Friendly Neighborhood Kat Haters

Why Kat Prowls

I Love....

I love laying with you with my head resting on your shoulder, your arms around me, and my fingers tracing my unspoken thoughts of love for you on your chest.

I love that moment when I first see you and you smile as we move toward each other to embrace.

I love the sound and rhythm of your breath as you lay next to me in the silence after we have made love.

I love melting into you and losing myself in your loving kisses.

I love that feeling of surrendering both mind and body to you, knowing I am completely safe with you.

I love the anticipation of seeing you, knowing that the ache of missing you will be replaced soon with the pleasure of being yours again.

I love the sound of your voice in the dim room as you whisper that you love me and command me to surrender to you.

I love knowing that no matter how crazy my life is on any given day, you are in my world and I'll see you again soon.

I love the feeling as you enter me for the first time each time we are together.

I love the taste of you, the scent of you, the feel of you, the look on your face when you come.

I love your sarcastic and sometimes silly wit and your laugh.

I love the tender way you stroke my hair as you hold me.

I love you.

Sex for Kat and Hubby after the Big Confession

The Big Confession (or should I say, big confessions?) changed things in my marriage. For those of you who are new here, a couple of months ago my husband confessed that he had been unfaithful for the better part of the past 5 years, with multiple women.  About a month ago, I confessed my infidelities. Everything was out on the table and we had to decide where to go from there.

Would we stay together?  That was the easiest decision because we both are committed to each other and our marriage.

But what was next?  Would we recommit to fidelity? Would we agree to an open marriage? Would we start swinging? Would we ever be able to really trust each other again like we did before? What would happen to our sex life?

Specifically, my husband was worried that I would be bored by him since I had enjoyed so many alternatives. It wasn't an unreasonable concern. Neither of us knew if I could be satisfied by plain vanilla after sampling lots of other delectable flavors.

We decided to try a fresh start and focus on improving both our communication and sex life. We got into counseling (individual and couples counseling), and we agreed to tell each other the truth, meaning that if I had a roll in the hay with JJ, I would tell Hubby, and he would admit any slips he had.

We agreed to start acting like we did early in our marriage, whether or not we felt like it. What did that mean? It meant the TV would get turned off in the evening.  It meant we would go to bed as soon as the kids were asleep so we'd have time for each other. It meant we'd start dating again, at least one night a week. It meant we'd leave heartfelt love notes for each other in the car, on the bathroom mirror, etc. We brought our plan into the current century by adding loving and sexy email and texts to each other throughout the day. I started sexting him at embarrassing moments.

And it meant we'd plan on sex every night. The rule was/is that neither of us can cancel it during the day, but either of us can cancel when we are actually in bed; however, the one who cancels is obligated to help the other come if he/she wants. I have to tell you I have been surprised by how many times I thought I was too tired or not in the mood, but when we started enjoying each other and I started helping him get off, I started to get excited, too.

We also each decided to really give it an honest try.  For me, that meant I would get into it with all the enthusiasm I had with JJ or J or S or...... For him, that meant being willing to try some variety and focusing on my pleasure.

So, for the first two weeks, that's how it was - sex every night.  Sometimes more than once. And it was really great sex! My old dog hubby kept thinking that he couldn't do it again for the 4th (5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, etc...) night in a row, but he did, and quite nicely, I might add. ;-)

We included some play with sex toys, and experimented with different positions. We asked each other what we had liked about sex with our other lovers and we incorporated some of those things into our own lovemaking.

The next week, it slowed down a little.  We only had sex on five nights of the seven that week. There were two nights that we both agreed to take a break.  Frankly, I needed a break, things were starting to get a little sore "down there" from all the attention. What a wonderful problem to have, huh? It was during this week that we also started reading to each other in bed (sex books and books about reclaiming your marriage) and talking about what we read.

Over the last 7 days, we've had sex on six nights. On one of them, we had agreed not to, but I changed my mind just as we were about to fall asleep and that kept us up for a couple more hours.

As the sex got better, lots of other things started turning around, too.  We actually wanted to be around each other more. We started talking more.

It didn't solve all of our problems, though.  Hubby is still too clingy, afraid that I'm going to take off and find another man...and, ultimately, leave him.  He has a reason to be concerned.  I won't leave him., but I have not lost my desire for my honey...or J, or P. or B, or C.....or...... As you can see, PWK is still here and going strong.

A couple of nights ago, we discussed a new "problem" we have.  We need to adjust our "act like we were newly together" plan because the sex now is much better than it was when we were newly together.  Huh? How can that be? Sounds crazy, huh?  I always thought that people were supposed to be on track for divorce when affairs were discovered, but that's not what has happened for us. The man who seemed to have lost interest in me sexually is now pursuing me and is trying as hard as he can to keep me interested in him and not in other men.

Now, we're looking to the future and wondering where it goes from here. You never really know what's going to happen in life, do you?

I'd better get writing.  I have some hot sex posts to write.

I Love Fish Tacos...and I Can't Stop...and I Don't Want To

Let me begin by clarifying that I really am talking about fish tacos here.  Corn tortillas with fish, lettuce, tomatoes, etc. I am not using fish tacos as a euphemism for lesbian sex, so all of you boys who are out there giggling about the sexual implications of the term can focus now. There is a point for you that applies to the prowling life, but you must stay with me.

As I was saying, I love fish tacos. I live close to both the coast and the Delta region of northern California so it's the perfect place to be a fish taco lover.  In fact, I get into a rut sometimes and I can't seem to order anything but fish tacos.

Recently DauntlessD started making fun of me because we'd go out for lunch (something we like to do regularly) and no matter where we went, I'd order fish tacos.  Seafood place?  Obviously.  Mexican place? Fish tacos. California cuisine? Fish tacos. In fact, he taunted me so much about not experiencing enough variety that once we went out and I intentionally did not order fish tacos, even though I wanted to. DauntlessD's taunting is very low key, but it grates on you like steel wool on porcelain. You'll do just about anything to make it stop.  So, even though I wanted what I wanted, I opted for variety just for the sake of variety, and a little peace. You know what happened?  He ordered fish tacos! Then he ate them in front of me and talked about how good they were. It was wrong. Very wrong.

However, I digress...again.....

The point is that I found something I liked and I let someone else influence me into choosing variety instead. In reality, I love variety (if you don't know that, you haven't been reading here very long), but sometimes I also love the stability of sticking with something (or someone) I really like.

There's a concept out there in the dating and cheating world called "one-itis."  The idea is that you're not supposed to stick with just one woman (or man)  because it leads to dependence, and it sends a message that you're either easily manipulated or you're not good enough to attract multiple mates.  Those who argue against one-itis say that women are more attracted to men who are attractive to other women, and a woman will find you much more desirable if you make it clear that you have other options.

But what if you really, really like one better than the others? What if, after trying the variety, you decide that the one you have found is the one you want to keep fucking over and over again and that you don't want to spend much (or any) time with the others? Should you keep seeing others just because of the theory of one-itis? Or should you quit hunting and focus on your fish taco, er, I mean, the one you like the best?

Repeating encounters a lot with one person can mean one of two things.  Either you're on your way to digging a rut for yourself because you just don't want to expend the energy to find other partners (Gee, sounds like your marriage, huh?). Or maybe it means that you actually found something very special and you should just go with it. Enjoy it for what it is as long as you can.

I've done a lot of prowling.  I've met many men over the years.  In fact, I have met enough to know when I have a special one within my grasp, or in my bed. So why should I keep looking just so the one I have will stay aware that I am desirable to others? As long as he is behaving well, what is wrong with being content?

There is nothing wrong with being content.

I'm going to stick with the honey I have come to love as long as it works for us (which I expect to be a long time). I don't particularly care how others perceive it.

And the next time DauntlessD and I go to lunch, I don't care what he says or how much grief he gives me.  I'm going to order fish tacos....because I love them.

To Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love

TMI Tuesday with DauntlessD - May 31, 2011

1. What time did you go to bed last night and were you alone?

I was a light-weight last night and went to bed about 9:30. We had a Memorial Day barbecue with a large gathering. Yard work, house cleaning, food preparation, fun and indulging in my famous sangria, slumber started sounding good as early as 8:30. No I was not in bed alone, my wife was as tired as I was.


2. If you could be given ANY gift what would it be?

Money is the obvious choice, but not because I want material things -- I want time and options. I am at a point in my life where I pretty much have all the playthings I want... Uhhh... let's narrow the scope of that last statement a bit. Doggie Daunt can't say he has already caught all the women he wants to chase ;) Anyhow, as I was saying, I don't really want any more toys. I want the freedom to spend time doing the things that I want to do; writing, answering TMI questions whatever that may be.


3. What was the last film that really moved/disturbed/thrilled you and why?

I have to agree with Kat on this one. City Island is a truly wonderful movie that moved me; comedic and full of heart it still surprises me how it quietly slipped through the theaters with so few noticing.

City Island moved me because of all honest bits of truth in it. It is about a dysfunctional family and the secrets and regrets they hide from one another; but all the while still loving one another. Take the time to see it if you haven't already, trust me you'll be telling your friends about it. It's too late to add this to the Prowling with Kat Trivia Contest, but I enjoyed this movie so much I named one of my Ashley Madison profiles after one of its characters. If one of you ladies, or gentlemen with "Claire" accounts finds it we'll award you with some Prowling With Kat bragging rights!


4. What is your favorite way to wake up and what is the first thing you do?

I enjoy waking up slowly where you're almost awake and feel like you're on a cloud, warm and content. Feeling the warmth of a lover against my body makes waking up like this doubly delicious.

5. You’ve been granted an extra hour in the day, what are you going to do?
a. Sleep more
b. Extend a sexual interlude
c. Shop
d. Finally fit in that workout that you usually can’t make time for

B, Extend a sexual interlude. While I enjoy my sleep, I typically get enough and once I'm awake, I'm awake; trying to sleep in once I've awoken is worthless. I'm not big on shopping and my workouts are at 5AM much to my own dismay.

BONUS: Are you in love or lust?

Always. Love some and lust many ;)


Many thanks to the TMI Tuesday Blog for the fun and questions.

TMI Tuesday with Kat - May 31, 2011

Is it Tuesday again?  Already? It must be because it's TMI time!
 
1. What time did you go to bed last night and were you alone?

Midnight, and I was not alone.  I was with my husband. I wanted to stay up later, but he wanted to go to bed and he refuses to go to bed if I am still up, so I went to bed because he was exhausted.  It was sort of like when I was a kid and I had to put on a sweater because my mom was cold.


2. If you could be given ANY gift what would it be?

 This is a tough one! I would love the gift of perfect health. I took my health for granted when I was a young woman, and now I wish I had paid more attention to it because once it starts to go, you can't get it back. If perfect health were not on the gift table, then I'd pick time. Time is a scarce resource in my life. I'd love to have more.  Ok, ok, if I have to pick something that is actually possible to give as a gift, I would be very grateful for about $50 million. They say that money can't buy happiness.  Well, I'll let you know.

3. What was the last film that really moved/disturbed/thrilled you and why?

City Island. It moved me and it disturbed me.  DauntlessD suggested I watch it a couple of months ago.  Actually, he recommended it before then but I didn't watch it until a couple of months ago. I have learned that when Dauntless makes a book or movie suggestion, I should jump on it quickly for two reasons.  First, he's usually right when he says something is good and worth seeing or reading.  Second, he gets pretty upset with me if I don't follow his recommendations.  He's still giving me grief for not finishing Game of Thrones.


As for why I found City Island moving and disturbing, it's about family dynamics (if you think your family is dysfunctional, watch this movie and you will feel so much better). Everyone in the family has secrets, and the main character has a dream that he keeps from his wife and pretty much everyone he knows, but pursuing it really feeds his need for creativity and for something in his life that is just his.  He then develops a secret friendship that makes a big difference in his life. Wait a minute....that sounds a lot like my life....hmmm.......


4. What is your favorite way to wake up and what is the first thing you do?

My absolute favorite way to wake up is with a man's arms wrapped around me and a nice hard cock entering me. Mmmm.....that is a real treat.  Of course, I rarely get to wake up that way. I won't say never, but it has been so rarely that it has barely moved out of the fantasy column in my life.

As for the first thing I do in the morning, it depends. If  I'm waking up my favorite way, the first thing I do is press back against him and enjoy the experience.  If not, the first thing I do is to say my morning prayers and thank God for another day of life.

5. You’ve been granted an extra hour in the day, what are you going to do?
a. Sleep more
b. Extend a sexual interlude
c. Shop
d. Finally fit in that workout that you usually can’t make time for

Definitely b - Extend a sexual interlude.  One of the things I really don't like is that the time with my honey goes by too quickly.  When we look at the clock and know it's time to get up, get dressed and leave, I would give just about anything for an extra hour with him.

As for the other choices, I can sleep when I'm dead. I have too much living to do right now for more sleep. Shopping?  Seriously? Uh...no. As for working out, can someone please clarify for me how that is different from "b - Extend a sexual interlude?" I consider that a "kill two birds with one stone" sort of thing, even though neither has anything to do with actually killing birds or throwing stones.

BONUS:  Are you in love or lust?

Yes. Why is there an  "or" in that question?

Oh, wait. Are you asking about being in love or lust with the same guy? Or can I mix and match?

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Today is the deadline for the Prowling with Kat Trivia Contest!  You have until 5:00 p.m. (Pacific) today to email me your entry. I don't have many entries at this point, so your chances of winning a prize are very, very good!  Come on, do it....you know you want to.