Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Kat's Big Surprise (Are You Sitting Down?)

I really didn't think anything could surprise me. Until yesterday.

I was at work dealing with a rather messy legal situation that had sucked all my energy and had put me in a rather foul mood, so I wasn't in the best frame of mind when my husband called and said, "Do you have a minute to talk?" Rather than saying something sarcastic like, "What do you think?" I responded to him as I always do when he asks that questions.  I said, "I'm busy, but I always have time for you, Handsome.  What's up?"

My husband proceeded to tell me that he had just received a call from a woman we know. Let's call her F-ing Bitch, shall we?  That's not her real name, but it's the name I will be using for her from now on. He then proceeded to tell me that F-ing Bitch said she was going to call me and tell me about the sex he'd been having with her for the last several years if he didn't give her a large sum of money. WTF?!

Those of you who have been reading the blog for awhile know that there are several things in his statement that were surprising.  First, he's having sex?  Any sex?  With anyone?  Wow. Second, he's been telling me he's not interested in sex anymore, yet he's been doing her?  Really? Third, she actually thinks that blackmailing him is the best way to get money out of him?

Apparently, after he hung up the phone from talking with her (and telling her that he wasn't going to pay her a dime, by the way), he thought he should call me and tell me about it right away in case she did, in fact, call me.

She didn't.  At least not yet.

I assured him that I loved him and we'd be fine.  We'd work through this.  I told him we would discuss it more when I got home (I knew that would put the fear of God into him for a few hours while he waited for the end of day and worried about what I might say or do).  I hung up the phone, closed my office doors and thought about what I had just heard.

A few weeks ago, in response to a post I wrote on tolerance, a reader posed this question:

"Ok, Kat. Honest Question: what would your reaction be if your husband confessed to you (without knowing you had cheated on him at all) that he had carried on a number of affairs? How would that effect (sic) your feelings for him, and how would that effect (sic) your relationship with him."
My response to him was, "I really don't know."  And that was the truth.  I had no idea how I would feel about it.

As I sat there after talking with my husband, that reader's comment popped into my head, and I thought, well, now I'll find out how I feel about that.  How do I feel about it?

I tried to separate my feelings from my thoughts because I'm such a logically-driven person that sometimes it's hard to know what I'm feeling because my brain takes over in difficult situations and sets about the task of solving the problem before my feelings even know what's going on.  I focused on my feelings.  What was I feeling?  What was I really feeling?

Relief.  Yes, that was it. I was relieved because now I knew that if he found out about me our marriage wouldn't be over.  There would be no lectures or "holier than thou" attitude because we both had cheated. I was also relieved because this meant the door was now open to talk about sex and infidelity and maybe, just maybe, the possibility of an open marriage. It had been killing me not to be able to talk with him about these things, being afraid that he would freak out or worse.

I scanned my feelings for all the things I would be expected to be feeling.  Jealousy?  Nope.  None.  F-ing Bitch meant nothing to me and I know she meant nothing to him. Anger? Some, but I was angry at F-ing Bitch for trying to blackmail him.  I was not angry at him for stepping out. How could I be? Fear? No. I am still 100% certain that he loves me and he won't be leaving me for another woman.  He might fuck others, but he'll always come home to me.  Yes, I'm positive of that. Confusion? Yes, a little bit.  We are two people who both want more sex and we're stepping outside of our marriage to get it.  Why aren't we looking to each other for it?  Why can't we talk about that? I made a mental note that we would be talking about that when I got home from work or some time very soon

Then I felt relief again - relief that this wasn't so bad.  I wasn't devastated.  I wasn't even upset.  Of course, I reminded myself that I might be in shock and some other feelings may surface later, but for now I was OK.

I asked myself the big question - Was I willing to leave him over this? The answer was a resounding, "Hell, no!" I knew I needed to tell him that as soon as possible.

When I walked in the front door at home a couple of hours later, he was sitting on the couch looking like a little boy (o.k., a grey-haired little boy) who was about to be taken out to the woodshed for a whipping. I sat down next to him, took his hand and looked him in the eye. He didn't say anything.  He just looked at me with big puppy dog tears welled up in his eyes. Now I was feeling a few things - compassion, love, sadness, guilt.

The baseball game had just started and was on TV in the background.  I lightened the mood by saying, "Hey!  There's no crying in baseball, remember?" We both laughed a little and some of the color returned to his face.  Better. 

He said, "I don't want you to leave me."

I replied, "I will never leave you, Mr. Kat.  I love you. Are you going to leave me for some bimbo?"

"No!" he replied. "I'm not going anywhere, ever."

"Well then," I said, "Let's not worry about that anymore, ok?"  He nodded his agreement.

Then we started talking about it, and more information came out.  It wasn't one woman; it was a handful of women.  It wasn't for a brief period of time; it was over many years. Yes, he had brought some of them to our home to fuck in our bed while I was at work (ouch!). Yes, he had been supporting a couple of them for a couple of years with the money I earned (another ouch). F-ing Bitch had gone the blackmail route because he had cut off her gravy train.  He stopped giving her money. Yes, I knew all of the women he had been with (triple ouch).

It was a lot to process (ya think???), so we agreed we'd talk about it more the next day.

Later in the evening, when we went to bed, I initiated sex with him. I knew it was an important part of letting him know that I still loved him and wanted him and wasn't going to kick him out. I also decided it was time to focus (again) on some of my own tips from 10 Tips for Wives to Keep Your Husband from Cheating, so I gave him the best BJ I knew how to give and then I fucked him like a woman who had been starving for sex with him (Ok, some acting and fantasizing about JJ were involved, but it worked).

Afterwards, I thought, "Take that, F-ing Bitch. How dare you try to blackmail my family??? And by the way, you've had your last fuck with this man, Sister." I can't wait to see her and share those thoughts with her in person.

I had a chance to chat with DauntlessD about the whole thing, and he suggested that I use the opportunity to ask my husband for an open marriage.  At first I thought, "No way! He'll never go for that and I'm not ready to tell him about my activities yet." But then I thought about it.  Dauntless was right. There would never be a better time than this to have that conversation.

So, I sent my husband a text today around lunch time and asked him if we would join me for lunch so we could talk and continue the conversation we started last night.  I also said that I have an idea I'd like to discuss with him.  He agreed, and we decided on a meeting place.

He walked into the restaurant and looked around for me.  I already had a table and was waiting for him.  I had been rehearsing exactly what I would say and how I would say it.  He sat down across from me and reached over the table to take both my hands in his.

I said, "Honey, I've been thinking and I have an idea......"


Liam said...

He's a lucky man, Kat, a VERY lucky man. And kudos to you for handling things so gracefully.

Adam said...

Wow, quite a story. I hope it goes well from here on out :)

Asian Girl said...

Oh wow, that's quite a lot to take in. I think you handled it all wonderfully and asking for the open marriage sounds like a good thing! I hope it all works out for you!

SomewhereMan said...

That's quite a day, Kat.

So... what is his response?

I really hate to think in terms of "leverage"... but, right now, you have a lot of it. Push for what you want your life to be for the next few years. There will NOT be a better time to ask for going open.

However, are you upset that he claims a low sex drive but has been having these affairs? I would be upset if MY wife claims the same thing. I'm the one who wants it more... and if she was screwing around, I'd be flabbergasted. Is that a double standard?? I wonder...but then if I was getting "serviced" often enough, I wouldn't be stepping out.

Thinking of you, Kat!


Ms. Inconspicuous said...

Oy, that's harsh. You reacted more generously than I would have (even considering I'm also a cheater...well, a cheater-with-permission).

My way of thinking: If he doesn't want to have sex with me, it's going to hurt more that he wants to have sex with other women than if he just has a low sex drive.

But. But. Sex is not everything. No ma'am, it is not everything at all.

petunia said...

Yikes. I can't believe you're cool with him screwing in your bed when you're at work and supporting several women for several YEARS with YOUR money. Never mind that you needed to look outside your marriage for sex because he wasn't interested. Christ. Puppy eyes wouldn't impress me at that point.

Ryan Beaumont said...

OK, so I'm warped here. Everyone else is commenting about your husband and I want to know who would be causing my poor Kat legal challenges :(

Anonymous said...

I am like Ryan. Did F-ing Bitch ever attempt black mail in writing or e-mail? If so, then I say that you go to the police...

BenSmarty said...

Interesting tack the FB woman used, considering he was paying her way. Dare I throw out unstable? Ms. I says sex is not everything. I agree, but sex and money in the same story always rubs me the wrong way.

So much to chew on here and I can only wish you luck as you can probably get your open marriage and the moon and stars.

Anonymous said...

Ahhhh....I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning...

Ethan Lambert said...

This is perfect. This is THE opportunity to get all your cards on the table and monkeys off your back with the minimum amount of collateral damage. I think it's sort of romantic that you're both in a position to explore this side of your lives together now.

I can't wait to see what happens next.

Anonymous said...

You are a wonderful wife. He confesses and you welcome him with a BJ and some very hot sex. He is a lucky man and will hopefully see this when he hears your proposal. Can't wait to hear how it turns out.

Alex said...

So I get that you believed your husband had a low sex drive and the solution for you was to cheat. I don't agree with it, but I understand it considering he was not living up to his part of the marital sex life and all.

Now you find out that in fact he has been having lots of sex with other woman, so his sex drive appears to be fine. But instead of figuring out how to focus it on you to fix things, you decide its time for an open marraige?! It doesn't bother you that he found other women attractive enough to sleep with but you not so much? You don't feel the need to find out why?

Good luck with everything. I've come to the conclusion that I will never understand your motivations, despite wanting to. I suppose we are just wired differently.

Kat said...

Ms. I - That's the conclusion I have come to - that sex is not everything. A marriage is about so much more than that.

Liam, Adam, Asian Girl - Thank you. You guys are the best!

SomewhereMan - Leverage is an interesting concept here, isn't it? But I would be a real bitch if I used it knowing what *I* have been up to myself, wouldn't I?

BenSmarty - I know!

Ryan- Are you asking about the legal challenges I was dealing with before his phone call? or after? ;-)

Bob - No, FB didn't put anything in writing (yet), but we have some questionable voice mails. At this point, I hope to give her enough rope to hang herself. And yes, the police are involved.

Ethan - I think so, too! The communication between us has really opened up since this happened. Overall, it has turned out to be a very good thing.

Marcus - Thank you! You are so sweet. Can I show hubby your comment? Hehe.

Anonymous - Come on now, use a name, will ya? You can even make one up. To what hypocrisy are you referring? I treated him exactly as I would have liked to be treated in the same situation. You're just made because I wasn't all hurt and upset, huh? Sorry to disappoint you. Some people clearly understand the difference between sex and love.

Alex - Of course it bothers me! And I do want to find out why.Why can't we focus on fixing things (counseling) *and* have an open marriage? Why are all marital solutions so black and white to you? Just because it wouldn't appeal to you doesn't mean that it can't work for us. As for not understanding my motivations, that's ok. There are many things I can't accept from the manoshpere out there. I just learn what I can from it and leave the rest.

By the way, I'm still getting nasty email and propositions from some of your buddies from that other blog. Interesting, no?

Alex said...

I wouldn't call them my buddies. I like a lot of what Athol writes about, but his group of fans has some odd individuals. I found him looking for why my marraige failed so I can prevent it from happening again. I've stuck around here mostly to find out what I am up against, sorta. I figured learning why you (and other chronic cheaters) do it, I might be able to fill that need and prevent an affair in the future.
The unfortunate thing for me is I crave understanding, and I can't understand your motivationns, or people like Roosh for that matter. He may know how to get laid, but he is a pig that treats women as living sex toys.
In the end, what I really want is a solid, exclusive relationship that endures. For me that means monogamy, and frankly it seems like a fading concept. I get that everyone needs friends and people outside a relationship for social interactions, but sexual exclusivity is a must have for me. I'm just trying to figure out how to make that work where it is becomming common to find couples in open relationships, cheating, swinging, etc. I want to understand how someone can love one person, but seek sex from another and still feel secure in their relationship.
Maybe I'm just selfish. Could be I'm jaded by my past experiences. Or maybe I'm just one of the fading group of people that actually believe love and sex should NOT be separated.
So although I come accross as a judgemental ass sometimes (and I know I can be...) in the end I am really just trying to understand you. I don't know that I ever will, but I'll keep trying.

Kat said...

Alex - Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I'm very sorry about your marriage. I agree that it is difficult to understand how a marriage can last when infidelity is involved. It's not an easy thing, to be sure, and as you noted, it's not for everyone. I think I'll share some insight in a future post on "how someone can love one person, but seek sex from another and still feel secure in their relationship." Well, I can at least share how it has worked in my marriage. I don't pretend to speak for everyone.

I'm also very pleased to hear that the misogynist group of guys who treat women as objects are *not* your buddies.

I have more thoughts to share, but I'll share them with you privately, via email. Thanks, again, for trying to understand. I suspect we'll learn much from each other.

Doug1 said...

Can I ask about how often you and your husband have sex these days?

I believe I read you saying that you almost never turn him down. Do you try to initiate with him, or are you fine with his apparently not wanting sex with you very often.

In my direct and vicarious internet experience not having sex much wiht a spouse or someone you live with tends to have a corrosive effect on feelings of pair bondedness, though obviously people differ. You seem to be someone for whom that isn't so much true, though maybe you're having sex with hubby more than I've supposed?

Kat said...

Doug-- I'm sorry I haven't answered your comment until now. Time got away from me. To answer your questions: For the last year or so it has been about once every two weeks, although I was giving him BJs almost every day for a long time. I was always the one to initiate. That all changed a few months ago when I stopped the BJs and I stopped initiating. I had kind of had enough, ya know?

Since his admission and our subsequent discussion, though, we've been having sex more often - four times last week and two so far this week.

I agree with you that lack of intimacy can have a corrosive effect on a marriage, but I don't think that has been true for us. We definitely have issues, and there's much to work on in our marriage, but we remain committed to the marriage.