Monday, July 11, 2011

Kat's Big Idea...after the Big Surprise

I sat directly across from Hubby in a restaurant the day after he made his big admission to me (read Kat's Big Surprise if you need to come up to speed with that). It took me about 24 hours to process what he had said to me and to think through how I should respond.  It seemed like this would be the best opportunity I would ever have to ask for an open marriage and have any chance of actually getting one.

Soon after he sat down and we ordered some water and tea, I started the conversation:

Kat:  Honey, I have an idea.  Since it seems like we both want more sex and a different kind of sex than we can get with each other, what would you think about trying an open marriage? We could both have sex with other people, but we would establish some boundaries that work for both of us, and the best part would be that we wouldn't have to lie to each other. We could be honest and upfront about what we were doing.  What do you think?

I could tell that he was shocked.  He wasn't expecting this. He wasn't expecting the blow job and sex the night before, either, but he jumped right on board with that.  This was different. His jaw dropped a little bit and he just stared at me for awhile. I didn't fill up the silence with talk; I just waited for him to say something. Eventually, he spoke.

Hubby:  I don't want that.

Kat: Why not? You told me you've been having sex with other women for years.  That is clearly what you want, so why not do it openly?

Another long pause.  Wow, he really wasn't ready for this.

Hubby: I could be ok with being honest with you, now that I've already told you, but I don't want you having sex with anyone else.  I'd be too jealous.

Seriously?  Did he just say that he wants half an open marriage?  His half is open, but my half is not? Now I was speechless. Fortunately, he continued.

Hubby:  What I mean is that if you started sleeping with other men, you'd find someone you like better than me and you'd leave me, and I couldn't handle that.  I don't want you to leave me.

How does he do that?  How does he take a moment when I am really frustrated by him and turn it into a tender moment?  It's a gift, I swear.

Kat:  I'm not going to leave you.  I've told you that.  No matter what. That's a non-issue.  I'm talking about a way for us both to be happy and have our needs met while we're together.

Hubby: Can't we find another solution besides an open marriage?

Kat: I'm listening....

Hubby:  We could go to counseling.

Kat: Okay.  You know I'm not opposed to counseling, but how is that going to make you want to have sex with me rather than other women.

Hubby: I've wanted you all along.  Sex with you has always been better than with anyone else.

It's official, I'm confused.

Kat: If you wanted sex with me all the time, why have you turned me down so much?  And why did you propose that we stop having sex altogether?

Hubby:  I thought it was a burden for you.  You work so much and you're always so tired. I didn't want to make things harder than they already are for you.

Not buying it, but go on, I thought.

Hubby: ...and you know my desire has decreased a lot anyway recently.

Oh, don't even pretend to go there....

Hubby: I was thinking that if I stop doing it with the other women then maybe you and I can have sex more because I won't use it all up on them.

Ya think???

Kat: Okay, but haven't I made it clear to you that I want more sex?  How could I have said it differently, or shown you differently?

Hubby:  Yes, you said it, but I didn't really believe it because you were so tired and busy with the business.

Kat: So, you're saying that you paid multiple other women for sex for years because you thought I was too busy and tired, even though I told you otherwise?

He went on to explain how he felt insecure about asking for sex because he couldn't handle the rejection, even though I had never turned him down. It was still a fear he had. Sex with those other women was easier because it was just a business transaction; there was no emotion involved.  There were no feelings to be hurt.  And they never turned him down, so he didn't even have to worry about that.

Yeah, I thought, we need some counseling.

In the meantime, we agreed to communicate better about sex and to make time for it every night, in case one of us wants it.  That means going to bed earlier, being prepared for it.

He agrees to stay open minded about the open marriage concept. I agree not to start telling him about rendezvous I may or may not be having until we decide on the whole open marriage issue and have a counselor.

Most importantly, we both agree that the conversation is not over.


It has been about two weeks since that conversation and hubby has been more affectionate and sweet to me than he has been for years.  He's bringing me coffee in the morning, making breakfast on the weekends, and helping out more in general.

And we've had more sex in the past two weeks than we've had in the last 3-4 months.

We start counseling soon.

He's very happy.

The problem now is that I'm not. It's not that I'm unhappy because I'm not. But the sex is exactly the same as it has been for years.  No change.  No variation. Actually, there is one pretty significant change.  I can't seem to cum with him anymore. I've been married long enough to know not to make any rash decisions based on a feeling or temporary issue. There's more conversation to be had.  There's counseling.

Most importantly, there's time.


Liam said...

Kat, I'm tremendously relieved that this is turning out peacefully, but I think you two have strange times ahead.

Anonymous said...

WOW, I am totally glad I am not the only one with hubby issues. Hubby is in his trying to be nicer phase. Let's see how long it lasts.

Asian Girl said...

Counseling? Wow, I guess I wasn't expecting that. I really thought your hubby would be ok with the open marriage. Well I hope it all works out the way you want it to!

Anonymous said...

Wow, it seems like things are really evolving. Hopefully the end result is that everyone is satisfied - in all ways. It also sounds like he is at least partially idea to the open marriage even though he won't admit it just yet.
I can sympathize with the not wanting to be rejected from asking for sex, but I don't understand it in this case.
Well, at the very least, there haven't been any big blow ups, broken dishes, or otherwise rash and regrettable statements.

Here's hoping to things keep getting better.

petunia said...

No wonder you can't cum with him. Your body recognizes that Mr. Kat is a selfish jerk. I don't see how counseling is going to change that fact.

Doug1 said...


This puts you in a pretty good position if he discovers your cheating. The position he’ll take is that he voluntarily came clean to you but you didn’t to him. You can respond that you didn’t want to hurt him. You didn’t think he’d react as well as you did to the news.

But really I wonder if it wouldn’t make sense to tell him that you too have been cheating for years? He said he’s afraid that if you do you’ll find someone better and leave him. Well you have been doing it for years and haven’t left him.

While you say you haven’t ever turned him down for sex but surely there must have been times when you said you’d rather not, but if he really wanted to you would.

Anyway although you might not have turned him down I’m sure he’s felt your lack of enthusiasm. Would some effort into trying to get him to change up, be more take charge in bed, etc. not be in order?

Doug1 said...

Although you told you husband that the reason you want an open marriage is to have sex more often, it seems clear from this and other posts that that’s only part of why you’ve been cheating for years. You also wanted to find a better lover, and have found several, mostly serially, and to a degree you’ve also wanted variety I think, again largely serially.

petunia said...

Counseling would be a waste of money because your husband is not capable of being truthful to you, as you already recognize from his bullshit explanations. What a counselor would ask you is are you better off with him or without him? I would much rather be by myself than with someone who won't be honest with me and doesn't respect me.

Anonymous said...

Nothing good can come from confessing your past transgressions. If you want this marriage to continue, never tell him you've already cheated.

Doug1 said...


I would much rather be by myself than with someone who won't be honest with me and doesn't respect me.

The female one sidedness of that is breathtaking. As is the tone. Thankfully Cat doesn’t have that tone when talking about her husband, or generally.

Kat hasn’t been truthful to her husband about her own cheating over a decade or more. After he came clean, she still didn’t come clean and tell him.

The one thing that does cut in Cat’s favor is that she says she never denies her husband sex; rather she’s said he doesn’t have sex with her as much as she’d like. She figured his libido had simply gone way down, but that theory was thrown for a loop when she discovered his extracurricular activities. However, she also says that sex with her husband is boring in this post. Perhaps, just perhaps, he gets those vibes from her which contributes strongly to both his not being creative about sex with her, and not wanting it that often. You think maybe?