Friday, January 7, 2011

Why Kat Prowls

I know, I know.  I've heard it for years.  Men have a biological imperative to seek out multiple mates.  Men are just not suited to monogamy.  They weren't made for it. Women, on the other hand, are supposed to seek out one mate for life, and be perfectly happy serving him, pleasing him, depending on him, and having sex with him and only him.

I have always been taught that a man who likes sex is a normal man.  A woman who likes sex is a slut, a nymphomaniac, a whore. And a married woman who likes and wants sex with more than one man is the worst kind of slut, nympho, and whore. I really believed that, until I had been married for about 7 years. Then I asked myself the question that I'm pretty sure I was never supposed to ask, "Can a woman love a man deeply and stay married to him for life and still choose to have some of her needs met elsewhere?"  Simply put, "Can a woman be happily married and cheat - at the same time?"

The truth is that it's not an easy answer.  It's a really complex issue, but I can tell you this: Sex with the same man, in exactly the same way, for over 20 years is enough to drive a woman insane. And it's not just about the routine of sex; it's the routine of everything in a long term marriage. After a while, you don't argue about things because you know exactly what the other person will say. It's pointless, so you skip over the argument to the resolution. The passion isn't just missing from sex; the passion is missing from everything.  Some people can live perfectly happy without it.  I can't.

It's not that the passion is replaced with nothing.  The passion is replaced with a deep and abiding friendship, and an understanding that no one on this earth knows you better than this one man - and that's a very safe and wonderful feeling....until you realize that it's not true.  There are parts of you that you haven't given away yet, and there are needs (both emotional and sexual) that he can't fill, and you're faced with a daunting decision - live without those things for the rest of your life or look for them outside the marriage, knowing that you're moving into dangerous territory.  And by looking for that fulfuillment, you're risking everything.

Let me set some things straight from the outset:  I love my husband.  He's a very good and wonderful man.  I love my children.  I love my family. I have no intention of ever leaving my husband. I do my best to be a good wife and mother.  I do not deny my husband any sexual request (think about that for a minute---anything he wants, he gets).

And I prowl myself to get what I want and need.

Just what does "prowling" mean?  Well, at it's most basic level, it means that I have searched for, and found, sexual relief and adventure outside of my marriage, but it's more than that.  It means that I search for and experiment with pleasure and excitement.  I read erotic literature (and write some, too). I have been known to enjoy some pornography from time to time. It means I'm not afraid of sex or intimacy.

It doesn't mean that I have sex indiscriminately with anyone at any time.  That's just crazy. It also doesn't mean that I am open about my attitudes and behaviors with people in my "real" life. In fact, most people who know me have no knowledge at all about this side of me, and I like it that way.

What I'll be doing here is sharing of the adventures I've had, some of the tools I've found that have made those adventures more exciting, some of the great erotic books and blogs I've read, and hopefully engaging some of you in a discussion about the whole topic.

If you're interested, prowl with me. It's much more fun than prowling alone.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh, yeah. Anxious to learn more.

Anonymous said...

Love to read more...

Anonymous said...

Yes I'm ready to learn more about the "Prowl"

Kat said...

Well, you're in the right place. This is definitely the palce to learn all about prowling... If you have any questions, just ask, or find me on twitter: http://twitter.com/shackledkat

Kat

Mediocrity said...

I feel exactly same way and I still struggle with why I do what I do. I always thought cheaters were terrible, irresponsible people, and women who "slept around," were stupid whores. I know better now. Life is more complicated and nothing is so black and white. I love my hubby too, but you give up certain things with marriage. Although you gain some, you lose some too. Interesting blog.

Anonymous said...

Couldn't agree with you more about the "passion"... I'm somewhat sad that it's only taken 4 1/2 years to realize the passion I want will probably never be there in my marriage. No matter how much I love her, it just won't happen...

Kat said...

I think the passion is what I miss the most in my long term marriage. My husband is kind and loving, but I miss the spark. I really do.

Oohsocurious said...

I'm actually really happy to find your blog. Its not something that I can talk about in my "real life" and it is nice to realize I'm not alone.

Piper said...

love this. I heard once that ""men want to use every woman to meet his ONE need, while women need one man wo meet her every need...""

and I am learning that this is dedinitely not true. Life, and intimacy, is way more complicated...

Doug1 said...

Would it bother you if you found out your husband had cheated too, and was doing so on an ongoing basis?

Why not have an open marriage?

fleur.d.laura said...

hi kat a mutual "friend" referred me to your site. I am intrigued and looking forward to getting caught up.

Leah said...

Just found your blog Kat. Everything you say about your marriage and your infidelites echoes mine exactly.

I'm looking forward to reading more.

Leah xx

Courtney said...

Hi Kat,
I stumbled upon your blog over the weekend. I've been married for 10 years and love him so. I for the last 3 years have been prowling and can't tell you the comfort I find in knowing I'm not alone. I'll definitely be sticking around.