The only explanation I have is that the blog has not been high on my list of priorities. Family and work come first, and they have been commanding most of my attention over the past few months.
And I also haven't had much to say about prowling. The last extramarital sex I had was in mid-June when I met SNS Guy. Yes, that's five months of fidelity. Five months of nothing but Hubby.
It's not that anything is wrong with Hubby, but I've said it here before - going back to nothing but the same routine sex, same positions, same thing...the same thing we've done for 25 years - is difficult. No, it's more than difficult. It's stifling.
I wonder sometimes if I could be ok with it if I had never known the likes of W, J, JJ, SNS Guy and the others, but I don't think so. I started prowling so I could fill that void in my life. Now, though, I know what I'm missing. So, I put one foot in front of the other and try to just walk through it. Each day and week and month of "just walking through it" kills some of the passion and desire in me.
Have you ever seen the movie Pleasantville? In the film, the black and white world of a small, restrained town slowly turns to color as the residents experience joy and real pleasure of all kinds. We cheer for them as the color bursts forth, freeing them from their old life and way of looking at the world. Prowling was a lot like that for me. Parts of myself that I had never known and other parts of me that I knew about but was too afraid to let loose just burst into color. I felt alive. Fully alive.
The last several months have been the beginning of the reversal of the process. The world is slowly becoming more grey. I'm alive and well and reasonably healthy. All is well with my family. There are challenges to face, but there always are. Hubby is finally happy because I'm compliant with his monitoring requirements and he's confident I'm not prowling. So, he's content and I'm fading a little more each day.
That sounds sad and pathetic, doesn't it?
I'll never understand why people who claim to love us so much feel the need to keep us so tied down. Fear is a powerful motivator, I suppose.
A friend of mine encouraged me to share this with you. I was just going to stay quiet forever, or until my world started turning to color again, but he's right. Keeping it to myself helps no one. And nothing changes if I don't change it.
An image of a tiger in a cage (Kat in a cage?) comes to mind. When the tiger is first captured, he pushes against the bars and roars and paces back and forth waiting for a chance to escape. Eventually, though, he just lays down, not even getting up when the cage door opens. He just gives up.
Time to get up and start pacing again.