The only explanation I have is that the blog has not been high on my list of priorities. Family and work come first, and they have been commanding most of my attention over the past few months.
And I also haven't had much to say about prowling. The last extramarital sex I had was in mid-June when I met SNS Guy. Yes, that's five months of fidelity. Five months of nothing but Hubby.
It's not that anything is wrong with Hubby, but I've said it here before - going back to nothing but the same routine sex, same positions, same thing...the same thing we've done for 25 years - is difficult. No, it's more than difficult. It's stifling.
I wonder sometimes if I could be ok with it if I had never known the likes of W, J, JJ, SNS Guy and the others, but I don't think so. I started prowling so I could fill that void in my life. Now, though, I know what I'm missing. So, I put one foot in front of the other and try to just walk through it. Each day and week and month of "just walking through it" kills some of the passion and desire in me.
Have you ever seen the movie Pleasantville? In the film, the black and white world of a small, restrained town slowly turns to color as the residents experience joy and real pleasure of all kinds. We cheer for them as the color bursts forth, freeing them from their old life and way of looking at the world. Prowling was a lot like that for me. Parts of myself that I had never known and other parts of me that I knew about but was too afraid to let loose just burst into color. I felt alive. Fully alive.
The last several months have been the beginning of the reversal of the process. The world is slowly becoming more grey. I'm alive and well and reasonably healthy. All is well with my family. There are challenges to face, but there always are. Hubby is finally happy because I'm compliant with his monitoring requirements and he's confident I'm not prowling. So, he's content and I'm fading a little more each day.
That sounds sad and pathetic, doesn't it?
I'll never understand why people who claim to love us so much feel the need to keep us so tied down. Fear is a powerful motivator, I suppose.
A friend of mine encouraged me to share this with you. I was just going to stay quiet forever, or until my world started turning to color again, but he's right. Keeping it to myself helps no one. And nothing changes if I don't change it.
An image of a tiger in a cage (Kat in a cage?) comes to mind. When the tiger is first captured, he pushes against the bars and roars and paces back and forth waiting for a chance to escape. Eventually, though, he just lays down, not even getting up when the cage door opens. He just gives up.
Time to get up and start pacing again.
19 comments:
Finally! I was beginning to think you abandoned this blog. Glad to see you're still out there. I'm a guy and I know exactly how you feel about trying to be good for someone else, all while you slowly start to fade away inside. it sucks.
Hi Mike --
I don't think I could ever abandon PWK. It has been too much a part of my life. Thanks for the empathy, too. You're right. It sucks.
I guess this thought came to my mind:
"I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,
When he beats his bars and would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart's deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings –
I know why the caged bird sings."
Hoping soon you can sing a song of freedom and joy. But for now good to hear from you, truly!
Take Care,
R
Thanks, Ryan. And thank you for reaching out to me which I was away. Sometimes just knowing a lifeline is there is enough. :-)
Welcome back! We missed you!
Of course we're still here. life gets busy, but no, that's no way to live. Don't give up - get up and pace. You'll be hunting before you know it. :-)
Glad to hear you are save and sound - I was a little worried .... J
Glad to have you back. When doing something repeatedly after a while, whether it is sticking with a person or switching partners can cause interest to wane.
So I know your current fidelity isn't for lack of partner options. Are you forcing this on yourself? Is it simply lack of time, or are you self-enforcing a deal with your husband?
As a guy, our perspective is different. Without the droves of possible partners, simple supply and demand occasionally force us in to dry spells where the limiting factor is the availability of a partner you have the chemistry and energy with to explore further.
What's driving your exile? Are you simply too busy? While I sympathize with the caged animal metaphor, you've practically got the key to the cage. You can simply sneak out when you want to. You've been successful keeping it hidden before, what's stopping you now?
Been checking everyday. glad to see you today.
I totally understand the grey.
I guess I'm confused... I thought you had an arrangement with Hubby?
<3 you Miss Kat!
Tom- Thanks! I missed you, too. I just read your FFF joke, by the way. Very funny. :-)
Max - Thanks for the encouragement. You're pretty wonderful. Too bad you live on the wrong coast.
Anon - Awwww. I'm so sorry I worried you. That was very naughty of me. Naughty, naughty, naughty. I'm sure you know what to do with a naughty girl. ;-)
Lust for love - I agree. Too much of anything is never good, and anything can become monotonous.There has to be a middle ground, though, between total boredom and "lighting my panties on fire." The extremes are lousy.
Joe InRTP - You're very perceptive. I do hold the key to my own cage, don't I? There are several causes of this latest exile, as you put it. Yes, I've been exceptionally busy, but I've been under heavy scrutiny at home. It's hard for me to do anything that isn't noticed. I could find a way around that, of course, but I also really don't want to hurt Hubby. He's particularly sensitive these days. And there's something else....I'm simply not in the mood for an emotionless roll in the hay. I want more. I want a real connection. That's not so easy to find.
Southwest Swinger - Thank you. I appreciate the kind thought. :-)
Friendly Nerd - Nooooooo. I tried to come to an arrangement with Hubby but he has been adamantly opposed to my proposals.
Pam P - You're so sweet. Thank you! :-)
Yeah, that's the thing, isn't it? When the real agenda is "connection" more than simple physical indulgence, the screening rules have to change and the time investment profile is dramatically different.
It will be fascinating to see how you resolve it all. I, for one, really hope you continue to share.
I always knew what to do with a naughty Kat .... I show you if you come south again ....
Anon-- I was just in so Cal a few weeks ago. Where we YOU?
Living in a situation where you are heavily scrutinized, can be exhausting. As a now former prowler, my actions to this day are always watched with a keen eye. This cage is closing in.....I need an escape.
(I am in SoCal...but I was inside this cage)
To our eventual freedom.
Cheers.
Anon - I think we definitely understand each other.
If I pick the lock on your cage will you pick the lock on mine? ;-)
I've missed you as well my friend.
There is a substantial difference between prowling for fun and prowling for a connection. I have several blogger friends in the same situation, and some whoe are in it but don't know it yet. You have to be more careful because that connection makes it more real for you and much more threatening for your husband.
if my wife cheated on me (and i didn't go into the flying pig business)for love that's a different issue that cheating for sex. The emotional drain is different, the end game is different, and everyone is more likely to get hurt.
As for holding the keys to your own cage? Well,we all like to think that, but as we comply to other's wishes we give them more and more of that key. We cede control through expectations, unspoken promises, and outright commitments. Eventually we feel as if they have all the control and we have to wrench the key back from their grasp.
The challenge, on the surface, is to get hubby to spice up the sex life, the depper issue may be unsolvable, a fundamental difference in how the two of you value and pursue sexual intimacy.
That's a hard one to fix.
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