Friday, October 14, 2011

'Fessing Up

I just did something that I thought I would never do.

I just confessed my infidelities to my husband.

Well, some of them.

Here's what happened. He was digging through some records and he was about to discover one of the affairs.  Seriously, he was probably only an hour or two away from knowing, so I had a choice - Keep lying and make up another excuse or just tell him the truth.

He has been suspicious for a while.  Once he found the hotel payment records for a local hotel, he'd know.  I could have tried to lie and make up an explanation, but my husband is not that stupid. I am only attracted to smart men, remember? It would have been just too demeaning and insulting to him to make up another lame excuse that he knew was a lie. And, frankly, I have grown pretty tired of lying to the man I have loved for almost 25 years.

So I told him.

At first, he didn't say anything.  He just stared at me. He asked a question or two.  I answered them honestly. He asked if I was still seeing him. I replied, "One of them."

Hubby: There's more than one???

Kat: Yes.

Hubby: Does that one know you are telling me?

Kat: No, not yet.

Hubby: So he doesn't know you're breaking it off with him yet?

Kat: No, but I didn't say I was breaking it off with him.  You and I haven't gotten that far yet.

Hubby: So, you're still planning to see him again.

Kat: That depends.

Hubby: On what?

Kat: You.

And that's where the negotiations began.  What do I want from our marriage?  What does he want?  Could our marriage survive an open marriage relationship?

Surprisingly, he didn't ask any of the questions I was expecting, like how did we meet, how long has it been going on, etc. I think he was in shock. I expect that some of those will come as he processes things a bit more.

The conversation between us is not over yet, but we did agree on a few things - We love each other, we love our family, and we will not be splitting up over this or anything else.

The question is.... Can I give up prowling?  Will I?

What do you think?

18 comments:

Naughty Kitty said...

Good question. I ask myself that one every day. So far the answer is "no".

Clem said...

Wow. Good luck

S.T. said...

I second the "wow". Hopefully this will open up/further the dialogue about an open relationship?

I cheated because I felt (rightly or wrongly...although it's never so black and white) I wasn't getting what I wanted. When I confessed to my husband, we both addressed those issues. And I never really wanted to stray again...but as many of these blogs tend to highlight-sometimes prowling is just a part of who we are. So I hope you are able to satisfy the wants/needs you have and that you and your husband are better off for it!

Ryan Beaumont said...

Well honestly you started with the right response when you said it depended on "him." I think a lot of people consider infidelity an infraction that deserves punitive punishment and resolution by the person who committed the infidelity. But that attitude ignores the reason the person chose infidelity in the first place. Your husband is just as vested as you are in your decision and he needs to help convince you to stop if that is what he wishes. Or not if he wants an open marriage. Bottom line though, ball is in his court as well! Good job, and good luck - we're thinking about you! R

Liam said...

I'm sure you CAN give up prowling, Kat. You seem to be a pretty determined sort. I just have trouble imagining a situation where you'll decide that you want to give it up. In short: Can? Yes. Will? No.

H said...

I really want to know how this conversation ends

Anonymous said...

That's why I now prefer to be with stupid women. So you can lie to them... and get away with it.

Kidding... I think.

Stay strong Kat!

- SomewhereMan

Southern Sir said...

I certainly hope that the dialog that follows goes in a positive direction.

Very tough questions you ask at the end there. Ones that don't have an easy answer. Speaking for myself I thought to give up my own prowlings at one time, more then once actually and I did.

For me I can say that for a while things were fine, but then that old malaise crept back in the one that makes you feel like a part of you is missing, that big gaping hole.

Best wishes to you Kat

Ms. Inconspicuous said...

What I realized when I got caught was that non-monogamy was the way I was built. I could stop, but wouldn't have wanted to.

Luckily, I didn't have to. My husband--more than I--realized that this was part of who I was, not an inherent issue in our marriage. He's a smart cookie, that one.

Anonymous said...

Hope this works out well for all involved. Looking forward to hearing the next chapter of the story, keep us posted.

Anonymous said...

Still think your son is clueless as well?

Anonymous said...

You'll never stop. It's too easy for you. Regardless of what you may convince yourself of you really don't care who it hurts as long as you get off.

It's just who you are.

Kat said...

Anon 11:54- My son is still unaware of the situation.

Anon 1:01 - You are pretty judgemental for someone who doesn't know me. You are 100% about your comment, that I "really don't care who it hurts." To the contrary, I care very much. If I didn't care, the dilemmas I am facing right now would be easy.

H and Anon 9:20 - You'll hear the next phase of the story within the next day or so. I'm not sure when we'll reach a resilution, but the journey sure is interesting and intense.

Southern Sir - Thanks. The conversation is going in a positive drection. I, too, have stopped before - sometimes for years!- but then that need came creeping back again. I just want to break that pattern.

SomewhereMan - I know you. You're not kidding at all. LOL

Ms. I - I would love to know about how you and your husband make it work.

Liam - So far, that's where I stand, but there are some situations that would cause me to give it up. One of those is causing my husband pain. If it's just too painful for him to accept, I'll have to stop...at least until I can find a way to hide it again. That sounds terrible, I know, but I'm starting to think that this is a case of "ignorance is bliss."

Ryan and Clem - Thanks. :-) I'll keep ya posted.

S.T. - I hope we come out of this stronger. You mentioned meeting each other's needs and how that helped you to stop. What if hubby can't meet my needs in this area?

Anonymous said...

I've been considering prowling for a long time because I haven't been getting what I want from my marriage. We've talked, tried counseling, negotiated, argued, and nothing worked. But it's certainly not only my fault that things aren't rosy.

Xrme said...

Kat, I am sure you are doing a lot of soul searching on this, and I am sure your husband is too. Thi sosunds like a lifestyle change that I could just not imagine, since "prowling" has been a big part of you life. I have nothing but best wishes, but I also have my own secret intentions...daveforgot.

Kat said...

Anon 7:52 - It's a very difficult decision to make, or at least it should be. As you may have read, my biggest piece of advice for anyone who hasn't cheated yet is, "Don't!" It's the bell that you can't unring. You can't undo it. When your marriage starts to get better, you'll have to live with the guilt of knowing that you cheated. Now, if you do choose to prowl anyway, read the advice on the Advice for Prowlers page and be careful

Dave - You should have seen how much I smiled when I saw this comment was from you. I wonder if we're ever going to manage to hook up? ;-)

Xrme said...

;-) Well I very glad you noticed. I was not at work today, so it was easy for me to scroll through. I do want to make a "hook up" happen, but I think it may be more up to you now, than me. I still think of you and the possiblities, very very much. Even the pic you posted is a big turn on for me! Let me know how we can make it happen and perhaps we can start to make a plan. 8==>

Myli said...

I'm surprised you confessed. But you're right. If you were going to be discovered anyway, I suppose confessing is better. I think you can stop prowling if it's really what you want and if your husband can give you the things you ask of him.