Tuesday, June 18, 2013

A Stupid Question and a Reasonable Answer

A comment was posted earlier today to yesterday's Do You Know.... post that was ignorant and, yes, a bit annoying.  I removed the comment (and all comments replying to it) from the post, but the ignorance part of the equation has been gnawing on me. I decided to address it in its own post, so here we are.

First, let me remind you that I very rarely remove a comment.  This is only the third time I've done it since PWK went live.  The first one was attacking a friend of mine. The second was a very rude and personal commentary on my marriage.  This was the third.

Here's the setting.  In yesterday's post, I was giving clues about my time with SNS Guy and one of the clues was "Lots of lube."

The comment was: "Lots of lube?! Not sure if you're enjoying? Normally, a woman should be able to produce natural lubricant? Your lube here is natural or applied lubricant?"

It annoyed me for several reasons, but mostly it annoyed me because of the ignorance it showed. I don't want any woman to read that comment and think that she's not normal.

First of all, the implication here is that clearly 1) a woman who uses lots of lube must not be enjoying sex, and 2) since a "normal woman" should be able to produce natural lubricant, a woman who needs or wants to supplement with additional lubricant is somehow not normal.

Let's not forget, too, that this person didn't even consider the use of lube for anal sex or manual stimulation (hand job) before jumping to an assumption of dysfunction. 

Below all of this stupidity, though, is a real issue that should be discussed and that doesn't get nearly enough space in sex blogs.

Menopause.

Seriously, you have no idea how hard it was for me to write that word, not because I have a problem being "a woman of a certain age," but because I know it conjures an image of old and dried up, rather than sexy and alluring. In our culture, sexy and alluring is young. Anything else is a waste of time or "not normal."

Before I go any further, let's talk about biology for a few moments. In the process of peri-menopause and menopause (yes, it's a long process, not an event), vaginal dryness resulting from hormonal changes is a completely natural condition. A woman doesn't go from dripping wet to bone dry over night. It's a process, which means that sometimes no lube is needed, sometimes only a little is needed, sometimes a lot. Some of us are dry before, but we become very wet when we cum.  Others of us don't.  Some of us don't know from day to day how our bodies will respond.

This whole thing is really confusing for men because you poor guys are used to thinking "wet means she's turned on and dry means she's not" and now the rules have changed on you.  Again. Lack of natural lubrication is not necessarily an indication of lack of interest. How will you know? I guess you'll have to actually talk to us....and pay attention for other signs.

So, to specifically answer Mr. Ignorant's questions - Yes, lots of lube. I enjoyed myself immensely.  I don't measure my sexual satisfaction or happiness by how much lubricant I use.  I would not suggest that anyone do that. As for whether or not I am a "normal" woman, I can assure you that I am physiologically normal, but in every other way, I am absolutely exceptional. I can provide references, if necessary. And regarding whether or not the lube I used was natural or applied, the answer is "both."

I've written before about the sexual differences between women of different ages. There are advantages and disadvantages to all, but all are exactly perfect and normal as they are. A 20-year old woman is supposed to be a bit naive, slippery wet, and not fully familiar with everything her own body can do yet. A 50-year old woman is supposed to have a better sexual skill set, experience some vaginal dryness, and know herself and her body well. Younger women are hardwired to be looking for strength, security, and good baby-makers. Older women are freed of those biological restraints and can look for whatever pleases them. Younger women have bodies made to attract the best baby-makers. Older women have to rely more on our other characteristics and skills, although more and more older women are keeping hot bodies well into their 60's.

Over the coming weeks, I'll post some information and comments about peri-menopause and menopause.  Gentlemen, while you may think it doesn't apply to you,  if you're married, your wife will go through it or already has. For the rest of you, you never know what an older woman can teach you. 

You should be prepared.

*******************************

If you have specific questions about peri-menopause or menopause, please post them in the comments or send them to me via email.

13 comments:

Jack Bader said...

Oh Kat, anyone that thinks you are old and shriveled up and not normal when you are sexy as hell and amazing and everything else that makes you incredibly sexy is a total idiot and needs an ass whopping.

Dont take it to heart... some people just dont understand what sexy really is.

Kat said...

Thank you, Jack. :-)

You're absolutely right that "some people just don't understand what sexy really is."

Krazy said...

So very true! Our bodies change in front of our very eyes and we have to adjust and enjoy different things. Good job educating the ignorant!
XO

Kenny said...

"Lots of lube" means a great time, to me. I have a bit of stamina and it can be a real pain for the women I am with. Even if we don't have to start with lube we usually end up there.

At one point in my life I was embarrassed to ask if she needed lube, I did not want to offend. Now I don't even ask, I just reach for the lube at the start and keep it handy.

I find that after an hour of sex, even the young 20 year old, slippery when wet, girls need some, and enjoy some.

Ryan Beaumont said...

Great comments Kat! That being said I feel a bit slighted now. I've spent a lot of time over the years really trying to come up with some ignorant comments and not once have you deleted me. I feel rejected as if my ignorance is not good enough! :)

But seriously I am sure he/she was not a oft-times reader as lube tends to be a common thread with many of your post. Perhaps you need to set it up as a label so it's a little easier for the ignorant folks out there to follow.

Ryan Beaumont said...

Speak of the dad-gummed Devil Kat. I was just surfing Facebook and here I found an article on menopause and low and behold it's all men's fault! :)

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/06/17/192655850/how-mens-choice-of-mates-may-have-led-to-menopause?utm_source=npr&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=20130618

Psst, don't tell anyone I read NPR stuff - it will ruin my street cred!

sin said...

Women who are nursing are also prone (very prone!) to dryness. All their water seems to go straight to milk production and the lack of lubrication is often one of the reasons why nursing women don't like sex much and therefore don't have sex much.

-sin

Tom said...

It never would have occurred to me that lots of lube = not turned on. What the hell, man.

But at the same time, lots of us boys learned what little we did about women when we were teenaged boys, from teenaged girls. And not only do many boys grow up into men not knowing what to expect from menopause, but I bet many women don't know what to expect either. So you're doing a real community service, Kat!

Passion Awakening said...

Yes, heard you loud and clear. Will be glad to look forward to your subsequent discussion about menopause.

Lola said...

Good for you!

Max said...

I'm sorry I missed all the fun. :-)

But as others have said, it never occurred to me that "lots of lube" meant you weren't turned on.

Anonymous said...

As a long term reader, I intrepreted "lots of lube" as a reference to lots of, for you, enjoyable anal... I never thought of menopause

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