Saturday, January 18, 2014

Generosity and Selfishness

For a very long time, I didn't know what generosity in bed really looked like.  I knew it was about putting your lover's pleasure before your own, but for the most part, with a few notable exceptions, I was the one who always put his pleasure first. Most of the time, that was just fine with me.  I didn't feel cheated at all.  I loved the feeling of giving a man pleasure. I loved it more if I got some, too, but that wasn't a really big deal.

I never really noticed how much effort a man put in unless he was particularly selfish and made no attempt to help me come.  Otherwise, it was usually all about him.

I've had a new experience recently that is giving me some perspective and leading me to rethink some of my past trysts. I've experienced real sexual generosity, to the degree that I now know that what I thought was very generous before was just.... normal.

T is a very generous lover.  In fact, he's the most generous lover I've ever known. It's not just about his amazing oral gifts - although those are awesome! - but it's about how he stays completely engaged with me during the whole process and how he's committed to giving pleasure. Oh, he gets his, too, but he also gives and gives and gives and gives and gives and gives and gives.

As I was experiencing T's amazing style of lovemaking today, I started to feel guilty - selfish. I wondered, Am I taking too much?  Am I not giving enough? To be fair, it's very hard to do anything when someone keeps you on the edge of ecstasy, pushes you over, then draws you back to the edge again...over and over. Still, my mind wandered to the consideration of my selfishness.

It occurred to me that none of the truly selfish male lovers I've been with ever seemed to ask the question - Am I selfish lover? They just assumed it was all about them and if they did something - anything - for the woman, that was good enough.

So why was it bothering me?  Because it was completely new. I've never experienced it before. I made the assumption that if I'm not the one going out of my way to be generous, then I must be selfish. In the deeply ingrained paradigm in my head, you were either generous or selfish; you couldn't be both, and you definitely couldn't be somewhere in between.

In my defense, I had a plan when I went to see T today.  I was going to give much more. But then I got there and he started kissing me and clothes started coming off and pretty soon it was clear he had taken charge (which I l-o-v-e....major turn on!) and then, within minutes, I was at that dizzying, shuddering, please-don't-ever-stop place, and he didn't let me leave that place for the better part of three hours. In short, my selfishness today was so NOT my fault.

As I continued to think about it, though, I realized that I need a new paradigm. If a friend came to me and told me this story, after I finished being totally jealous and trying to get his phone number from her, I'd tell her that enjoying yourself is not a sin. It's not selfish to let your lover shower you with pleasure.  No one is keeping score. As long as you both are happy, it's all good.

11 comments:

Bob Archer said...

The funny thing is, Kat, I bet that he does not even know that he "gives and gives and gives and gives..."

He is probably doing *exactly* what he wants to do. So, in a way, he is being selfish too (as you said, he gets his pleasure, for sure).

p.s. This post of yours reminds me of the feedback that I get from my lovers from time to time

Tom said...

Yes, exactly. Just as you say, Kat, you can get lost in giving pleasure to another... I love seeing what I can do. The female body is a mysterious, surprising, wonderful toy, and it's a lot of fun to play with!

Anonymous said...

Look at it this way, does a musician who is given the opportunity to play a world class instrument and plays and plays and plays feel that they "used" the instrument? I doubt it. They feel privileged to be given the opportunity and that brings them great joy in and of itself. Relax and enjoy being the beautiful sexy instrument that your body is… :-)

East Coast Guy said...

Kat, this sounds exactly how I love to be generous with my lover. I love to see her pleased....I love to see her excited again and again and again....this prepares me to become excited.

East Coast Guy said...

Kat....also, so nice that you have met a true gentleman in "T" .....True gentleman always love to please their lovers!

Krazy said...

Lucky girl! Enjoy the ride. :-)

Anonymous said...

this is very sad. even a woman with your level of self-proclaimed promiscuity only has encountered a man like this once.

~McK said...

amazing isn't it? when you finally meet someone that is truly a generous lover?

Advizor54 said...

I love giving as well (as if any of us will admit to being selfish on a post like this) but the frustration is when I'm told, "enough's enough."

NO! Enough is never enough.

I want to give more but get shot down and shut out. That makes me mad.

Anonymous said...

Hi...this is "T", I agree with just about all the comments, and yes I DID mention the fact that maybe I'M the selfish one, I love to do what I do, and Kat does NOT tell me to stop unless she's drained and then I do it one more time, and she welcomes it...but it DOEs turn me on, an yes I AM an artist so, to feel her writhing and moaning and finding out how to "play" this instrument, we call her body, is a joy for me, even different things I feel her reaction and so far, she reacts pretty darn well, so yeeeeahhh , I'm a little selfish, can't help it, she tastes great! and she's a wonderful "instrument" to play! :^)

Kat said...

Ok, you're all right. He's doing exactly what he wants to do and he's enjoying it to. That's exactly how I feel about giving head. I love it, so you'd think I would have understood this dynamic easily.

Advizor54- I've heard that from guys before, that they get shut down when they try to please their partner. She may be trying to say that whatever you're trying just doesn't turn her on, or she may be uncomfortable with the act for whatever reason and she either can't or won't verbalize how she's really feeling and why. Heck, she may not know why.

Anon - "self proclaimed promiscuity?" That's an interesting description. I'm holding off on any sarcastic replies for now. As for this being sad, actually, it's a happy thing that I've had this experience. Is it sad that I haven't had it sooner in my life? Maybe? But here I am and I'm thrilled to be having it now.

T - You're making me blush. Your comment surprised me and made me smile. The rest of what I have to say to you I'll say privately. ;-) Get home soon, will ya?