11 Things I Learned from Watching Cheaters

I was on vacation for a week over the holidays.  One day when I was home by myself (a very rare event), I watched a few episodes of the T.V. show Cheaters. It was purely for research, of course.  To be honest, I really couldn't stand the show, not because it showed cheaters getting caught, but it was displaying - in a very crude and cruel way - peoples' pain, and pandering to the desire of others to see people in pain.  I am not into that sort of thing at all.

But I did learn a few things while watching those episodes.

1. "Motherfucker" seems to be a much more commonly used word than I thought.
2. Most of the folks on that show go bat shit crazy when they get the proof that their partner is cheating. Hubby and I were quite civilized.
3. You can always count on reality TV to show the worst possible side of humanity.
4. There are no truly innocent parties in that show.  The most guilty?  The creators, crew, and cast of the show.  I saw one woman (the cheater) who was so distraught when she was caught and shamed publicly that she almost jumped off the roof of a building.
5. Apparently, when I learned about Hubby's cheating, I should have screamed at him, "What now, Motherfucker?!!!!" My approach of holding him, telling him it was ok, and telling him I loved him seems not to be the popular response.
6. Apparently, when Hubby learned about my cheating, he should have screamed at me, "You fucking whore!!!"  His approach of holding me, telling me it was ok, and telling me that he loved me seems not to be the popular response, either.
7. People who really want to cheat will find the most creative ways to be together. I picked up a few good ideas. ;-)
8. Apparently some people think that the car wash is a good place to clean up after a rendezvous.  Eww.
9. Most of the female cheaters on that show look and dress like hookers.
10. Some people seem to think that exposing their young children to the "gottcha!" moment is appropriate. (I don't.)
11. The show hosts a social network for people looking for partners who don't cheat. Of course, you have to take a pledge swearing that you're single and not in a relationship, and that you won't cheat. Whew....I'm sure that pledge makes sure no one ever lies about that.  Check it out: http://www.nocheatersdate.com/ .

As I watched that trash, I thought, this is emotional pornography. Relationships - even the ugly and troubled ones - shouldn't be broken down into violent entertainment like that.  Who thought that making a show like this was a good idea?

Types of Cheaters

Not all cheaters are alike. Active prowlers know this, but most people don't. They assume that a cheater is a cheater is a cheater.  Not so.

I've put together some descriptions of different types of cheaters.  I make no moral judgement about any of them. Some people think that sex-only cheating is worse than emotional-only cheating.  I don't know.  I think it's up to the people involved. When I learned about my husband's infidelity, I was very relieved to learn that they were sex-only encounters, and that no emotional involvement was in play, but I know many others who would not agree.

Also, understand that no one fits in only one category for his/her entire life. People change. I've found myself in several of these categories at different times in my life. I've also been faithful for long stretches of time.

The "Affair of the Heart" Cheater - This is the type of cheater that most people think of when they think of infidelity.  This cheater falls in love with someone other than his/her spouse, struggles with the issue, and then ends up consummating the affair sexually. This person probably didn't see the affair coming and may never have another, but s/he is fiercely committed to the relationship which is usually accompanied by a lot of guilt because it is both emotional and sexual. Contrary to the popular belief that most cheaters are male, there are just as many women as men in this category. This cheater is the most likely to actually leave his spouse voluntarily because the emotion, companionship, excitement, and great sex of the affair just underscores what is missing and miserable about his marriage.

The Serial Cheater - This type of cheater has fully embraced the lifestyle and has probably accepted the fact that monogamy is not for him. This person will cheat many times during his marriage, with many partners.  Some of the affairs are sexual only, and others are emotional, but it's the newness that this cheater craves. If this cheater falls in love with a playmate, he will still cheat with others, too, because he needs that thrill and excitement of the hunt and the new catch. Some people believe that these cheaters are sex addicts, but that is not always the case. While sex is definitely involved in just about all of the serial cheater's connections, he is really looking for satisfaction of his need for newness and conquest.

The Variety Loving Cheater - This cheater is very much like the serial cheater except that he probably hasn't yet accepted the fact that monogamy is not for him. For this cheater, it's all about variety, and his cheating will be intermittent.  He'll have periods of monogamy followed by spurts of infidelity with multiple partners for weeks or months and then he'll be monogamous again for a while. The periods of infidelity are stopped by guilt because he really is devoted to his spouse. This type of cheater is unlikely to leave his spouse unless he gets caught.

The Sex Only Cheater - It's all about the sex for this cheater. He doesn't want to develop relationships. He's not interested in "dating" or getting to know his playmate(s) at all. He'll stay after sex only as long as he needs to without appearing like too much of a jerk, and sometimes he'll go as far as to use only a fake name. One of the key features that differentiates this cheater from the other types is that he usually doesn't think he has really betrayed his spouse because he sees his behavior as physical only and he doesn't give away any of himself emotionally.  He feels that he is only "partly cheating" because he doesn't become emotionally involved with his playmate(s). This cheater will rarely leave his spouse unless he is caught and the spouse gives him no choice.

The Emotional Relationship Only Cheater - This type of cheater is in an infidelity grey area.  Because there may never be any physical sex, some people believe that this isn't really cheating, but spouses of emotional cheaters usually feel just as betrayed as spouses of cheaters who have sex with their playmates. Emotional cheaters are devoted to their spouses and won't (or don't want to) cross the line into a sexual relationship, but they crave an emotional connection. The affair may have started as a friendship, but it quickly evolves into a romantic relationship or a very close friendship. As he starts confiding more and more in his playmate and less and less in his spouse, his marriage deteriorates even further. The emotional affair often turns into a full-blown affair of the heart.

The Online Only Cheater - Like the emotional relationship cheater, this cheater doesn't think he's really cheating because the relationship isn't physical, but his spouse will feel just as betrayed if the affair is discovered. This type of affair is less likely than the others to become physical because the partners usually live far apart, although they do sometimes become physical and long lasting. These relationships can last for decades and these cheaters are the least likely to leave their spouses unless they are caught and the spouse initiates the split.

So, Prowlers, where do you fall in this list?