I have a good friend who is going through a hard time with his marriage. He desperately wants to fix the things that are wrong, but his wife seems to be largely indifferent. .....
My friend requested that I pull the post since his wife might see it, but some of the comments were so good that I didn't want to do that, so I just deleted most of the post. *Poof*
Some of you know that I also just pulled the post entitled "High Maintenance?" Frankly, I'm getting tired of writing posts and then pulling them. I care about peoples' feelings, though, and that matters more than a blog post or two.
If you haven't read the comments, you should.
And I'll get to work on another post.
14 comments:
It sure seems like this behaviour is common. My case is similar, but perhaps a bit less extreme.
Please, someone explain to me what's going in this woman's head? What does she think is going on?
Roomates indeed.
Great post Kat. I think perhaps over time, women either don't think they are attractive anymore, or during menopausal stuff, simply don't have the desire. I know my wife, who is 49, goes through cycles of either craving sex, or completely the opposite. Not to be too shallow, but has this guy let himself go physically? Maybe she isn't attracted to him?
Mike - No, he's quite attractive. Her lack of interest is not about his appearance. That's for sure.
I think if anything, he's probably working hard to make himself even more attractive.
I think Kat may have had a camera filming in my house to get this story, because it describes me to a T. In my case, I found the gym in my 30's as a way to try to get myself even more attractive for my wife. I probably spend more time on my looks and grooming now in my early 40's than I did in my 20's when we first got together.
Of course, that only makes the sting far worse. I wanted to believe that I could get myself to the point where she truly desired me in the way I desired her. As that backfires, the pain becomes much more real. On the one hand, you can say, "It isn't just me, she's just uninterested overall." While your head can say that a million times, your heart knows that it is normal to desire sex and intimacy, so if I'm not turning her crank, who is? Who would?
The inadequacy of it all is crushing and drives guys right in to AM, CL, AFF, etc... I know it did for me.
I wish you wouldn't have taken such a judgmental tone in this post, Kat. Nobody is free from blame in this case, and I realize that this was a post directed toward women, but I find your analysis of the situation misguided and mean spirited.
The core of this issue isn't how good looking he is or how frigid she is. On the most simplistic level, he's made his sexual relationship with his wife into a nagging one. Both of them have changed sex into something he has to nag her about, and that only makes her feel extremely cheap and unsexy, like it's a chore she must complete, akin to washing the dishes, like being a piece of meat is all that she means to him after years of marriage. This unfortunate dynamic your friend finds himself stuck in removes all the romance, all the spontaneity, all the fun and thrill from sex (from his wife's perspective), and replaces them with repulsion. I doubt that would make anyone horny. He probably finds himself saying, "But I love you, I married you, I don't understand why you would think that sex is all that I want from you." His confusion is well-founded, and so is her disgust. And as a result, nobody wins.
I'm no sexologist or psychologist but I have done pretty extensive research on this subject for personal reasons. I could say a lot of things, but I am going to say just a few:
1)Physical factor: She is probably not attracted to him. Being in a good shape will not make her more attracted to him. Maybe only less repulsed. Body chemistry: you either have it or you don't.
2) Emotional factor: She may be emotionally attached to someone else (man or woman).
3)Psychological/Physiological Factors: She may be having hormonal imbalance, weight gain, insecurities, traumas, etc. that she refuses to or can't deal with. Seeing a specialist may help (if she is willing to acknowledge she has a problem).
4)Routine Factor: Nagging is the most un-sexy thing in the world. Maybe negotiating a schedule would help. It's said that some individuals can take it or leave it, especially if it's not a regular activity (as it happens with work-out). The more you do it, the more you want it, the more you enjoy it. So instead of nagging, maybe negotiating a date and sex twice a week can turn things on a bit. Or maybe it's time for your friend to leave the marriage. Maybe she hasn't left it because they are good roommates and they are raising kids together. Who knows? It'd be nice to hear her side of the story. You know there's always another side.
Ugh. Been there, done that. Er, doing that.
There are also many desperate women trapped with indifferent husbands. Maybe instead of a cookie exchange, we should set up a spouse swap?
There have been some great comments before mine so I will try to be brief.
I'd like to get her story, the story she tell's her best friend when they've had a couple of bottles of vintage truth serume.
My guess
She's exhausted. If there are kids then it's understandable. They take all your energy and that drops sex (at least good sex) way down the list on the energy budget.
Bad schedule - Sex has to start early in the day so you can get in bed at a reasonable hour, otherwise, you hit the pillow and fall asleep.
Bad Technique - Did he, before the chill, put her needs first? Was she made to feel special, loved, and wanted? Did he treat her in a way that made her feel respected? If she doesn't like dirty talk, don't talk dirty.
There are many possible factors and I've just touched on three.
However, she needs to know that he is getting ready to leave her. She needs to know the consequences of where they are at and that he is ready to make big changes. Is that blackmail? No, it's being honest. Whomever is to blame, she needs to know that he's packing his bags, even if he won't admit that yet.
Like Tom said is True, I am that woman currently trapped in that marriage. When you try to talk it out and he just ignores the situation, and thinks if he ignores the problem it WILL go away.....well yea it did go away and I seeked it outside the marriage with a very successful match on AM currently.
I do like your idea of a cookie swap, and not just for Christmas, perhaps Valentines Day, St. Patricks, MayDay, Flag Day, and my new favorite INDEPENDENCE Day!
I think advizor hit the nail on the head. I'd love to add something useful, but don't think I'd say it any better than he.
I know how u feel. I just pulled all my personal posts. I still had 100% permission from the subjects, but... Reality is not for the masses.
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