What Do You *Really* Want?

I have a pet peeve that is growing larger by the day. I get annoyed when people say they want something from a partner, and then follow the statement with a qualification.

For example, a man says to a woman, "I just want to hold you," and then he continues with "but if you want to do more, that's good, too." The first part of the sentence is a total lie.  He doesn't just want to hold her.  He makes that clear with the second part of the sentence. He said it to try to communicate that he appreciates her for more than sex, but he accomplished the opposite.

Then there's Hubby's famous, "I want you to be happy, but I don't want you to have sex with anyone but me." I looked him in the eye and said, "You don't want me to be happy. You want me to behave the way you want me to behave, and you want me to be happy doing it. That's what you want." He agreed. When you love someone, the first half of one of these sentences hurts because you know it's not true. I'd much rather he say, "I love you, and I want you to find a way to be happy only having sex with me." That makes his wants clear and still communicates that I'm important to him.

Here's a common one. "I want you to feel free to say what you think and feel, but.........." You can fill in the rest of the sentence after the "but" with all sorts of things, but it doesn't really matter. What is actually communicated ranges from "I'd rather you not express your thoughts and feelings about this topic," at best, to "I wish you would shut the fuck up about your feelings.  I can't handle them anymore and I don't care," at worst.

There are many more examples I could give, but I think you get the point.

I wish people would just say what they really want. Men think they are softening the blow of what they are saying after the but by including the first half of the sentence.  In reality, it heightens the anxiety about what's following and what it may mean.

I know some people may say, "That's just semantics," or "Women over think everything." The first objection is simply not true. The second one is probably true to some degree, but if you want to play with us you need to speak our language.  And maybe it's not that women over think everything, but that men under think it all.

 The truth is that it's not about thinking as much as it's about communication, how what you said has been received. When the communication is clear, everything is a lot easier.

Kat's Top 9 Prowling Pet Peeves

Anyone who knows me or who has been reading this blog for almost any amount of time knows that I am a pretty laid back Kat. Not much really bothers me and when it comes to prowling, I'm a "live and let live" kind of gal. Still, there are some things that really annoy me. In the spirit of helping some of you avoid these pitfalls, I've shared my top 9 pet peeves here:

1. Pre-meeting non-communication - It goes like this....you've met someone online.  You're chatting and emailing, maybe even chatting on the phone, and things seem to be going well, and then.....nothing. The communication stops.  For no apparent reason. Another scenario is that things progress just like I described and you decide to set up a meeting date for the following week.  Great.  Then you hear nothing until the day before you are supposed to meet when he expects you to be all excited about meeting.  Excuse me? That's much more like making arrangements with a prostitute than an affair.  You don't have to spend all day every day chatting, but checking in regularly matters.
2. Post-meeting non-communication - I had an experience where a man I met was very communicative and charming prior to our first meeting. Then we met, and had what was by any standard great sex. As we parted, he seemed very enthusiastic about meeting again.  Then nothing.  WTF? At minimum, your partner deserves a thank you.  If you don't plan on seeing him/her again, a decent person will bite the bullet and say so.  Just slinking away is how cowards and jerks behave. Another variation on post-meeting non-communication is when you meet, have great sex, agree to see each other again, and you hear nothing until the day you're supposed to meet again.  Now this is fine if you have both agreed that you just want to hook for sex with no other communication, but if not, it's being a jerk.
3. Constantly pressing for photos - If you have an ongoing relationship with someone, this is not a bid deal at all, but if not, this is just annoying.  Wanting a photo (or two or three) early on in the relationship is totally fine, but constantly asking for naughty photos every time you chat.....no. Let me put it another way, I have enough stress in my life as it is.  I really don't need it from someone who is supposed to help me escape the stress of my life.
4. Not making room arrangements - Look.  We all know that cheating is dangerous.  We all know that it's not easy (or sometimes even possible) to book a hotel room anonymously. Still, that doesn't mean that you should expect that the other person be the one to take the risk every time. For gosh sake, take the time to get a pre-paid credit card and deal with it.
5. Not paying for the room (or at least sharing the cost) - You're going to ask me to get the room because you're too nervous to do it yourself and then you're going to skip out without offering to pay it (or at least part of it)?  Really? Most women won't participate unless the guy takes care of all the arrangements and completely covers the cost.  It's simply expected.  Every now and then, you'll come across a gal who is willing to share the burden, but don't expect it.  Guys, be prepared to step up and handle this.There has only been one guy I saw more than once who wouldn't pay for the room for the first visit (yeah, he was pretty special) and only one for whom I would book the room every time (also very special guy).  
6. Leaving cash on the nightstand - This is just my personal pet peeve.  I'm sure it doesn't bother all women but it makes me nuts. I knew one guy who would always leave $50 on the nightstand as we were getting dressed and ready to go, regardless of who booked or paid for the room.  he was "just helping out" because he knew I had gone to some expense to meet him.  Eeeewwww.  I may be a slut.  I may act like a whore.  But I'm not a prostitute. To do it once is a misunderstanding.  To do it multiple times after I explain how I feel about is just insulting.
7. Just assuming that going bareback is ok with me - WTF?  The use of condoms should be discussed before the meeting.  Another peeve in this area is when we discuss using a condom, and the guy shows up without any.  Are you serious? You really think I'm going to be so horny that I'll say, "Oh, ok.....let's just do it anyway?" Yes, I have gotten up, dressed, and walked away in a situation like this. And then there are the ones who bring only one condom. That just makes me laugh.
8. Showing up unannounced - I like a sweet surprise as much as the next gal, but showing up at my office unannounced just freaks me out. You never know if my husband is going to be here or someone else who will be suspicious because of your presence, not to mention the fact that I may just not want to see you right then. Just don't do it, please.
9. Lying about your appearance or the size of your....you know - I am very up front about my appearance.  No secrets, no surprises.  I'll send a photo taken within the past two weeks.  Heck, I'll take one with my phone right now and send it if that's better. So why do some of you guys insist on using the 10 year old photo? I once heard of someone who actually used someone else's photo.  Also, about cock size, please don't lie about that either.  I'm not even going to ask about that.  If you have read my post, Does Size Matter?, you'll understand better why I don't. Even though I don't ask about it, guys often offer the information.  Imagine my surprise when we meet and I learn that they were either 4 inches off or they "forgot" to indicate they were using the metric system and they were really speaking in millimeters rather than inches. 

If you get nothing else from this post, please know that lying (about anything) is always worse for a first meeting than telling the truth. Cheating requires a certain amount of trust.  Yes, I completely understand the complexity of the issue - cheaters are inherently dishonest because the act requires lying to - or withholding truth from - one's spouse. In spite of this, your partner is not going to want to meet you unless she trusts you, at least to some degree.

Whew....this one was no fun to write, but somebody had to do it so you prowlers don't make these mistakes. I'm happy to sacrifice for the cause.

As I was writing this list of pet peeves, though, I started thinking about some of the wonderful and sweet things that some of my prowling partners have said and done for me over the years. I'll share some of those soon.