Knocking on the Back Door (Yes, This is about Anal Sex)

Last night, Hubby wanted anal sex. Those of you who have been following along here know that I'm a big fan of anal sex, but last night was different.  Why?  Because it has been about a quarter of a century since Hubby wanted anal.

Yes, you read that right.  A quarter of a century.  Some of you reading this aren't even that old yourselves.

It was a bit like the Twilight Zone (I know, I'm dating myself again) because JJ had been sending me some naughty texts and photos about anal sex earlier in the day. (If you've read the JJ stories on our Sex, Sex, Only Sex page, you know that JJ loves anal, and he's dang good at it...amazing actually.)

So, JJ got me thinking about it, and then Hubby asked for it.

The last time Hubby asked for anal, he concluded that he didn't like it as much as he liked fucking my other orifices, and that was that. No, there was no conversation about what I might like. Don't be silly.  Hubby is of the generation that is just now learning that some women actually enjoy sex. I've mentioned anal a few times over the years, but he wasn't interested.  He never actually said he wasn't interested, but I assumed that's what he was saying as he pushed my head down toward his cock. Some male gestures are universal, aren't they?

There's good anal sex and bad anal sex. I know that may sound strange, but it's true. Just like other sex acts, it can be done poorly or well. When it is done poorly, it's painful, dangerous, and unsatisfying.  When it's done well, it's absolutely fantastic.

Since it has been a while since I've written an advice post, and I've been asked for some anal tips via email several times in the last months, I thought I'd share some tips for safe and enjoyable anal sex and spend a little time answering some questions about it. I'll handle the Q&A first, then I'll attack the tips. Warning: there is some pretty graphic and direct language in the tips below. It's the serious poop about anal sex (I know, the pun is terrible, but I couldn't resist).  If you don't want to read the heavy stuff, just stop after the Q&A.

Q: Kat, what do you like about anal sex?

The thing I love most about it is not really about the physical act. For me, it's about domination. Being taken anally is a very dominant act. The force of it, the pain, the lack of control ---mmmmm.  I love it all.

Q: Can a woman have an orgasm during anal sex?

All of the "sex experts" out there will say no, but they are incorrect.  Most women can't come that way, but a small minority of women can. Others can, but only if they are already very, very close to climax. Many women who like anal sex can't come during the act, but they enjoy it anyway. This might seem strange to men who think that orgasm is the only purpose for sex, but not everything pleasurable in the sex act needs to end in orgasm for it to be good.

Q: Doesn't it hurt?

In a word, yes.  However, it should only hurt during insertion and using plenty of lube can minimize that.

Q: How is it different for men from ordinary vaginal sex?

This is really a question for a man to answer (Daunt?), but I've been told that it is tighter.  I also think that part of the turn on is the taboo factor, and the fact that most wives refuse to do it.

Q: Is it dangerous?

It can be if it's not done properly or if it's done too much. Remember, the anus was not made for sexual activity. (See the tips below for more on safety.)

Q: Isn't receiving anal sex just for women and gay men?

Nope. I know several heterosexual men who like it, too. Some like it for he variety, the change of pace.  Others enjoy the domination part. And then there's the prostate massage piece. Some men really enjoy the sexual pleasure that comes from prostate massage. Since I don't want to spend too much time in this post talking about prostate massage, here's a nice little video by Dr. Ruthie from Exploringintimacy.com on the topic.





For those of you who want the nitty gritty detail about anal sex, here are my 11 tips on how to have safe and enjoyable anal sex:

1. Lube, lube, lube. Sure, if there is enough natural lubrication going on "down there," you can skip the artificial lubricant, but that's just dangerous.  By the way, when I talk about the natural lubricant "down there" I'm talking about vaginal juices or semen from a previous sex act.  The anus is not self-lubricating like the vagina. Not only does good lubrication ease the pain for the woman (or whoever the "bottom" is), but the lining of the anus is vulnerable to tearing as a result of friction.  More lube = less of the bad kind of friction without giving up the good kind that you want. Use a water-based lubricant (because oil-based lubricants damage latex condoms, and water-based lubricant don't leave the same oily residual), and use plenty of it.  I prefer to just use the lubricant on the man's penis only, but some use it on the penis and spread it around and just inside the woman's anus, too.  Whatever works. But a little saliva from giving a rim job is not enough....just so you know.
2. Be clean. One of the biggest problems with anal play is that the anus is full of bacteria (it is the body's main waste disposal site, remember?).  Some are not not a big deal, and others can, literally, kill a person under the right (or should I say, wrong?) conditions. My advice to women who are into anal play is to always be prepared for it. What does that mean?  It means you should empty the anus and lower intestinal track of waste.  Some choose to do this with laxatives or enemas. In fact, I read a BDSM novel several months ago with a very graphic enema scene that was part of the sex play, and I was never more turned off in my life. If I weren't already into anal play before that, I may not have ever tried it.  Anyway....I'm not into laxatives or enemas; however, I pay attention to my own natural cycles, eat a lot of fruit in the day before my planned rendezvous, etc. If you need more details than this, email me.
3. Be very clean. The steps mentioned above are not enough, in my opinion, to be really clean. Some women choose to use disposable douche kits to clean out the anal area.  This is not the same as an enema because the intent is just to clean out any residual waste in the several inches adjacent to the anal opening, whereas the intent of an enema is to clean out the whole lower intestinal track. If you choose this approach, be very, very careful. Rupturing the anal lining is not good. I really can't emphasize this cleanliness issue enough.  I have been caught unprepared before and it was an embarrassing, and messy, experience.  Do you understand?  Please don't make me say it. Just trust me.  You don't want to experience it.
4. Use a condom. Some diseases can be passed on very easily through anal sex, and I'm not talking just about HIV. There are other diseases and infections that can be passed from one partner to the other that way.  Also, using a condom during anal sex prevents pregnancy.  I know, you're thinking, "Come on, Kat.  You can't get pregnant from anal sex." Well, that is technically true; however, if semen comes into contact with the area between the anus and the vagina, there's a chance that it can ooze into the vagina and cause pregnancy.  No, I'm not crazy, folks. Eight percent (8%) of people who do not use another form of birth control during anal sex become pregnant that way. So, if your life isn't important to you, maybe preventing pregnancy is.
5. Enter slowly.  Gentlemen, let me be clear. The entry part of anal sex is painful for your partner. Let me be more clear.  It hurts like hell. I'm talking about the pain of the stretching of the sphincter muscle before it relaxes.  So, you need to go s-l-o-w.  I recommend that you place the head of your cock at the opening and let your partner push back against you at her speed.  If she needs to stop to catch her breath and relax into it, let her.  Do not just start pressing forward. Wait until she indicates in some way that she is beyond the painful part.  Of course, if you are very familiar with your partner, you will probably have developed your own understanding of how to best handle entry.
6. Don't ignore all pain.  While some pain during entry is normal, that's the only pain that is normal during anal sex. If the pain continues beyond the initial entry and after the woman has relaxed for 30 seconds or so, stop! Maybe you need more lubricant.  Maybe you need to shift positions.  Maybe the internal area is not completely clean and the friction of waste rubbing against the anal lining is causing pain.  Don't push it (pun intended). Rupturing the anal lining can be very dangerous.
7. Communicate with your partner. You should communicate with your partner about what to expect beforehand.  You should communicate during the act if either of you is uncomfortable.  And you should communicate after the act to discuss what felt good and what didn't. If you're not comfortable talking about these things, get over it.
8. Clean up after. Going from ass to vagina and/or from ass to mouth is a dangerous practice that spreads infection. The negative consequences can be serious.  That said, I am well aware that some folks like their sex that way.  I love going back and forth between the ass and vagina, and I've sucked off more than one cock after it came out of my ass. It's not safe. It's bad. Yes, I'm a hypocrite. Do as I say, not as I do.
9. If your anal play includes digital penetration, be sure that your hands are clean and fingernails are clipped.  I've known someone who suffered serious anal damage that required a surgical repair because of untrimmed, sharp fingernails.  How would you like to explain that to the spouse?
10. Be careful with toys. Of course, make sure any toys you use are very clean before you start your anal play and clean then up very well after. You should also be careful not to be too vigorous with your play when you're using toys. If you are inserting a toy rather than a part of your own body, you can't feel what's going on down there. and it's easy to get carried away and misinterpret your partner's moans and screams as enjoyment when she's really begging you to stop.  Again, communication is key.
11. Pay attention to blood. Bleeding during or after anal sex is not normal and it could be a sign of a very serious issue. If you see blood, something has been torn. At best, a hemorrhoid may have burst and there may not be any negative consequences, or your partner has a small tear and will just feel a little pain later. But if the anal lining has been seriously ruptured, there's a chance that waste and bacteria can get into the abdominal cavity and cause all sorts of problems. Profuse bleeding can also be life threatening. Please don't ignore it.  If you have any doubt about how serious it may be, stop what you're doing and get to a doctor.  If there is extreme pain or bleeding, call 911. A little embarrassment over an overreaction beats the alternative if you don't get medical attention when you need it. Bleeding during or after anal sex is a very rare occurrence, so it's not something you should worry about, but you should definitely watch for it.

Wow.  I think I've just scared y'all away from ever having anal sex. I don't mean to do that, but a good dose of caution is warranted.

Since I have scared half of you and grossed out the other half, I think I'll close with another Dr. Ruthie video about anal sex because you can't be nervous about anything if you hear it from Dr. Ruthie. Here are Dr. Ruthie's top 3 Do's and top 3 Don'ts for anal sex:

Stupid Kat Tricks

I know I come across as a very smooth prowler who never makes a mistake, but that’s only because you’re reading the grown-up and experienced Kat.  I was once a a naive little kitten out there in the prowling world and I made more than my fair share of stupid mistakes. In fact, I still make a mistake from time to time.  Hard to believe, huh?

At the risk of looking very stupid, I’ve decided to share some of the dumb prowling mistakes I’ve made. Hopefully, you little kittens and puppies out there will learn from them.  I also want to say that, while I have fun telling the stories, this is serious business.  Any of these mistakes could have spelled disaster for me, and I know that. That said, try not to laugh too loudly at my stupidity.

Here are the stupidest mistakes I’ve made (in no particular order of stupidity):

Using my home phone for long distance phone sex - This was a long time ago (about 20 years ago) and was my first experience with anything even close to prowling. I was still a very cute 20-something trophy Kat at the time for my 40-something tomcat of a husband.  It never occurred to me that my husband would look at the bill that closely.  It also never occurred to me that he would call those numbers and even go see some of those gentlemen and tell them to stay away from his wife.  Hey, I thought I was being safe by not giving them our phone number (this was before the days of caller ID). Verdict: Really stupid.

Giving my regular personal email address to guys from Ashley Madison - This was a more recent stupid trick. Again, I thought I was being smart by not using my work email, but my personal email address has my real first initial and last name in it, and when you get an email from me, my full name shows up. With my full name and Google, you can find out just about everything about me, my business, my family.......uuggghhh. It was DauntlessD who called this to my attention very shortly after we met. Soon after that, I created my shackledkat account. Fortunately, none of the guys who had the other email caused any problem at all. Dodged a bullet on that one.  Verdict: Unbelievably stupid.

Using my business credit card to rent a room locally - I own my own business, so I wasn’t worried about the boss finding out, but I had the nosiest bookkeeper in the world at that time, and she wanted to know every detail about everything. I told her it was personal, and that should have been enough for bookkeeping purposes, but she kept asking about it. I caught her once calling a hotel to try to get information about how long I had stayed, if anyone was with me, etc. Maybe I should mention now that she isn’t my bookkeeper anymore.  Verdict: Stupid.

Meeting someone I had just met online in a secluded location, alone, at night, when no one else knew where I was - This was a long time ago, and I knew then that it was stupid, but I did it anyway.  Fortunately, everything went ok, but I was lucky. I haven’t done it again. Verdict: Dangerously stupid.

Not deleting photos and other incriminating evidence from my phone - I’m usually pretty good at this, but about a month ago, my husband grabbed my phone and started going through my photos.  No, he didn’t find any cock pics (thank god!), but he did find several of Cara’s HNT pics. Explaining why I had near naked photos of a female friend was a challenge, but I managed of course. I did notice, though, that the next time he saw Cara (she’s a real life friend of ours) he was a bit more attentive than usual. Verdict: Uncomfortably stupid.

Not using a condom every time - I get tested regularly, but not using a condom every time is just a disaster waiting to happen.  Of course, I’ve always asked everyone Ive been with if they have any communicable diseases, but no one ever says, “Yes, I do. We should use a condom” or “I don’t think so, but I’ve had unprotected sex with several women recently, so we should use a condom for your protection.” No, the answer is always something like, “No, Baby, definitely not...now get over here and ride my cock, Honey”  or “No way! Bend over and let me fuck that ass of yours.” What arrogance it was to assume that for some reason I didn’t have to use the same protective measures as everyone else. I’ve been very, very fortunate, but now I’m more careful. Verdict: Arrogantly stupid.

I’m a little embarrassed to say it, but this list could go on and on, but that’s about enough for one post.  I’ll share the rest another time.

In the meantime, as Michael Conrad used to say on Hill Street Blues (yes, I know I’m dating myself), “Let’s be careful out there.”

Kat's Top 9 Prowling Pet Peeves

Anyone who knows me or who has been reading this blog for almost any amount of time knows that I am a pretty laid back Kat. Not much really bothers me and when it comes to prowling, I'm a "live and let live" kind of gal. Still, there are some things that really annoy me. In the spirit of helping some of you avoid these pitfalls, I've shared my top 9 pet peeves here:

1. Pre-meeting non-communication - It goes like this....you've met someone online.  You're chatting and emailing, maybe even chatting on the phone, and things seem to be going well, and then.....nothing. The communication stops.  For no apparent reason. Another scenario is that things progress just like I described and you decide to set up a meeting date for the following week.  Great.  Then you hear nothing until the day before you are supposed to meet when he expects you to be all excited about meeting.  Excuse me? That's much more like making arrangements with a prostitute than an affair.  You don't have to spend all day every day chatting, but checking in regularly matters.
2. Post-meeting non-communication - I had an experience where a man I met was very communicative and charming prior to our first meeting. Then we met, and had what was by any standard great sex. As we parted, he seemed very enthusiastic about meeting again.  Then nothing.  WTF? At minimum, your partner deserves a thank you.  If you don't plan on seeing him/her again, a decent person will bite the bullet and say so.  Just slinking away is how cowards and jerks behave. Another variation on post-meeting non-communication is when you meet, have great sex, agree to see each other again, and you hear nothing until the day you're supposed to meet again.  Now this is fine if you have both agreed that you just want to hook for sex with no other communication, but if not, it's being a jerk.
3. Constantly pressing for photos - If you have an ongoing relationship with someone, this is not a bid deal at all, but if not, this is just annoying.  Wanting a photo (or two or three) early on in the relationship is totally fine, but constantly asking for naughty photos every time you chat.....no. Let me put it another way, I have enough stress in my life as it is.  I really don't need it from someone who is supposed to help me escape the stress of my life.
4. Not making room arrangements - Look.  We all know that cheating is dangerous.  We all know that it's not easy (or sometimes even possible) to book a hotel room anonymously. Still, that doesn't mean that you should expect that the other person be the one to take the risk every time. For gosh sake, take the time to get a pre-paid credit card and deal with it.
5. Not paying for the room (or at least sharing the cost) - You're going to ask me to get the room because you're too nervous to do it yourself and then you're going to skip out without offering to pay it (or at least part of it)?  Really? Most women won't participate unless the guy takes care of all the arrangements and completely covers the cost.  It's simply expected.  Every now and then, you'll come across a gal who is willing to share the burden, but don't expect it.  Guys, be prepared to step up and handle this.There has only been one guy I saw more than once who wouldn't pay for the room for the first visit (yeah, he was pretty special) and only one for whom I would book the room every time (also very special guy).  
6. Leaving cash on the nightstand - This is just my personal pet peeve.  I'm sure it doesn't bother all women but it makes me nuts. I knew one guy who would always leave $50 on the nightstand as we were getting dressed and ready to go, regardless of who booked or paid for the room.  he was "just helping out" because he knew I had gone to some expense to meet him.  Eeeewwww.  I may be a slut.  I may act like a whore.  But I'm not a prostitute. To do it once is a misunderstanding.  To do it multiple times after I explain how I feel about is just insulting.
7. Just assuming that going bareback is ok with me - WTF?  The use of condoms should be discussed before the meeting.  Another peeve in this area is when we discuss using a condom, and the guy shows up without any.  Are you serious? You really think I'm going to be so horny that I'll say, "Oh, ok.....let's just do it anyway?" Yes, I have gotten up, dressed, and walked away in a situation like this. And then there are the ones who bring only one condom. That just makes me laugh.
8. Showing up unannounced - I like a sweet surprise as much as the next gal, but showing up at my office unannounced just freaks me out. You never know if my husband is going to be here or someone else who will be suspicious because of your presence, not to mention the fact that I may just not want to see you right then. Just don't do it, please.
9. Lying about your appearance or the size of your....you know - I am very up front about my appearance.  No secrets, no surprises.  I'll send a photo taken within the past two weeks.  Heck, I'll take one with my phone right now and send it if that's better. So why do some of you guys insist on using the 10 year old photo? I once heard of someone who actually used someone else's photo.  Also, about cock size, please don't lie about that either.  I'm not even going to ask about that.  If you have read my post, Does Size Matter?, you'll understand better why I don't. Even though I don't ask about it, guys often offer the information.  Imagine my surprise when we meet and I learn that they were either 4 inches off or they "forgot" to indicate they were using the metric system and they were really speaking in millimeters rather than inches. 

If you get nothing else from this post, please know that lying (about anything) is always worse for a first meeting than telling the truth. Cheating requires a certain amount of trust.  Yes, I completely understand the complexity of the issue - cheaters are inherently dishonest because the act requires lying to - or withholding truth from - one's spouse. In spite of this, your partner is not going to want to meet you unless she trusts you, at least to some degree.

Whew....this one was no fun to write, but somebody had to do it so you prowlers don't make these mistakes. I'm happy to sacrifice for the cause.

As I was writing this list of pet peeves, though, I started thinking about some of the wonderful and sweet things that some of my prowling partners have said and done for me over the years. I'll share some of those soon.