Thursday, April 5, 2012

Re-Visiting Ashley Madison

Well, I got a bee in my bonnet this week. I was a little upset with JJ, so I decided to jump back on AM and see what's up.  I also needed to do some research for a reader who responded to my post about how not to approach a woman on AM with a request for what works. That's a reasonable request, and there are some strategies that are more effective than others - at least with me.

First, though, I want to share some of my experiences of the past several days. First, single women out in the dating scene lament that "all the good ones are married."  I would have to agree. I have found a treasure trove of possibilities this time around. Sure, there are still plenty of "Wanna fuck?" boys, but I've noticed a lot of really nice guys this time - educated, bright, witty, polite.  Wow.  I was caught off guard. If you're in the northern California area (Sacramento/Bay Area), prepare to be pleasantly surprised.

I also noticed that my biggest AM pet peeve is still alive and well. There are lots of men who still send requests for your private key (request for private photos) as their introductory approach, before they even say 'hello.'  That is such a low-class approach. Usually I just hit the little "delete" button, but this time I tried a little education, responding with a request for "hello" or some other perfunctory form of conversation first.  About 50% didn't respond at all, 25% responded with, "Hi.  Can you send your photos now?" The final 25% responded with various insults and curses. I was called a "fucking cunt" several times, to which I responded, "Yes, but I won't be fucking YOU.  Good luck!" These are the men who should not be allowed to reproduce. They do seriously undesirable things to the gene pool.

But I digress.....again.....

I did get a surprise, though.  One of those requests for a key that was unaccompanied by conversation came from one of my previous fuck buddies. Yes, Young One on Fire, my fireman play mate, sent me a key request. I wasn't surprised that he didn't recognize me from my profile because I changed the profile - and the photo - and the username - this time.  I complied with his request for a key and gave him a firm tongue lashing about his poor manners (in writing. Not the tongue lashing he received when we last met). How else will the young ones learn?

In spite of of noticing lots of guys who did things wrong, there were many who did it right, and a few who did it very, very right.  Here's what works on AM to get Kat to meow:

  1. Read the gal's entire profile and put something relevant to her profile in the subject line of the message. Most of your competition (and I'm not counting the "wanna fuck" boys or the "gimme your key" guys as your competition) is going to put something like "Hi" or "Let's talk" in the subject line of their first messages. You need to use something from her profile that links to something about you. For example, one that got my attention was "Fellow Springsteen Fan."  He would have had to read all the way to the bottom of my profile to know that. That inspired me to open his message. Another guy tried an opposite approach that still indicated that he had read my profile.  His subject line was "Dodger Fan." Of course I had to open his message if for no other reason than I wanted to reply to tell him that if we meet, I'll be wearing a strap-on because I love to fuck Dodger fans. Inside it said, "Just kidding, but I wanted you to notice me."  Hehehe. Remember your first goal - to get her to open your message. The subject line matters. 
  2. Make that first message engaging. I can't emphasize this enough. It should be more than one sentence.  It should say something about what you liked about her profile.  It should say something about you that's not in your profile. If you can be witty, do so.
  3. End your first message with a question. It should be a question about her. It should be a question that inspires her to hit "reply" so she can answer it. "Did you see Jonathan Sanchez' no-hitter?" "Are you planning to read that new book about Yogi Berra by Harvey Araton, Driving Mr. Yogi?" Those aren't questions that will work for everyone, but hey, were perfect for me.  The two gentlemen who asked those had me hitting reply to respond with a smile on my face. They read my profile, they paid attention. They were rewarded with a reply.
  4. Stay away from any mention of sex in the first message.  Unless her profile explicitly says something like, "I don't want to be friends. I don't want to talk.  I just want to fuck," do not bring up sex in that first message. Yes, they are there for an affair, too.  Yes, they know that sex will be involved and they probably want it, but they won't fuck you unless they trust you. And if you start off with talk about sex, they will think you are a player, and players can't be trusted. You need to be a nice guy who wants someone to talk to.  You don't have to be totally Beta, but use a soft entry. Introduce sex in the second message, but not as a "wanna fuck" statement.  It should be more like, "You seem like a very sensitive and passionate woman. I can only imagine how great that must be in private."  Subtle.  Unless it's me. I responded to that with, "That's too bad. I already have a lover who brings out the sensitive side of me. I was hoping for some mind-blowing sex tomorrow. Good luck."  LOL.  I was just playing and being silly, though.  That was an excellent line.
  5. Be persistent.  Unless she tells you to go away, follow up.  Send another message in a day or two, or in a week.  Be engaging. But don't be a stalker.  Stalkers are bad. At some point, probably after the third message, if she doesn't reply, just let her go.
  6. Don't sound too desperate. The one who has my heart twitterpating right now is one who has shown a casual interest.  He's clearly very bright, attractive, desirable, but he didn't jump immediately to "Let's meet," which makes me want to what?  Meet, of course. :-) (It doesn't mean I will.  Just that I want to.  Kat does have some self-control, ya know.) Desperation is like female repellent.  Face it.  Most of us have men at home who don't do much for us anymore in the bedroom. In most cases, we've got them wrapped around our fingers in just about every way. We don't want that when we're shopping on AM.  We want confidence. We want self-assurance. We want a man who knows that he's desirable. We want what we don't have at home.
  7. Be careful of that "Member Feedback" on the bottom of your profile. For most men, if they see positive feedback on a woman's profile, they think, "Hey! She's a good one.  If other guys liked her, I might, too." It's the opposite for women. We steer clear of men with lots of feedback numbers. We are not into competition like you guys are. A few feedback numbers are ok, but too many is bad. Your best bet if you have any is to have it under "gives good chat" and "worth the time."
  8. Be yourself.  I know.  You're thinking that I've just told you to do everything but be yourself, but that's not true.  Do what you need to do to get her to open your first message and reply. YOU need her to engage with you before you can show her your charming real self. Once your foot is in the door, just be you. And remember that it's a real woman you're talking to. Imagine she were sitting right in front of you.  While the internet lets you get to the point faster than you could in person, would you really say, "Are you a freak?  Do you like suck cock?" Come on. Be real.
In spite of all this excellent advice, it's still true that it's harder for men than women. The competition is stiffer (pun intended) and the women know it. Some are not very nice.  And then you have all the hookers and escorts to contend with. Don't worry.  Just keep trying.  The right one for you is there.

After all, that's where I found JJ and he found me. :-)


notslowingat50 said...

My AM pet peeve is that 90% of the time all I get is a key request in response to a nicely crafted polite introduction message (IF I get any response at all).

I try to do much of what you describe, but many women don't put enough information in the profile to try to figure out something that will catch their attention. Seriously, all the checkbox responses start to blur together after a while.

Naughty Kitty said...

This is a great post on so many levels. 1st I am sorry about you being perturbed at JJ but it is good to see that even the most seemingly perfect couples have their down days. Second, I agree with your pet peeves AND your tips. Those initial emails along with persistence are what get the meeting with Naughty Kitty. My latest, T-Bone fell into it. He played dumb on AM and kept emailing me for help navigating the site. It turns out he is one of those guys that is better in person. I am also glad to see that i am not the only prowler out there that comes and goes on AM. Sometimes I feel like it makes me look wishy washy. So glad I am not alone. Have a great weekend Kat!

Liam said...

Yep. That's the approach that's worked for me, give or take a few details.

Being a bit slow, it took me a while to figure this stuff out. Well, it took time and careful reading of blogs like yours and the departed Riff's. But eventually I understood that after the first day or so on AM, women realize that they have to weed vigorously and I have very limited opportunities to avoid being weeded.

Time - 0 to 5 seconds: headline and public photo thumbnail. As you say, the headline better be witty or engaging or something special and the thumbnail photo, too, or I'm a weed.

Time 5 to 30 seconds: Not a weed yet? The profile better be witty and engaging and good lord not check-boxed.

Time - post 30 seconds: *MORE* witty and engaging (and spell-checked). As you say, play off of her profile - or - if she doesn't provide much to play off of, well hell, make stuff up and respond to that.

Eventually, about 98% of these pitches go nowhere, but the ones that go somewhere are unbelievable.

Kat said...

notslowingat50- You're right. Did I mention that it's harder for men than for women? Keep at it. As Liam commented, things don't usually go well, but when they do, they are great. ;-)

Kitty - You are definitely NOT alone! Thanks for your ongoing support and comments. You're the best!

Liam - I *loved* your comment! great advice. You have certainly added some good advice to mine. The part about a profile photo is important. I have been flabbergasted by the profiles that have no photo, no boxes checked, and no written comments - just the username, age, attached or single, city, etc. Those guys have to be kidding. Why would anyone ever find that intriguing?

If there's someone out there who has had success for that approach and wants to make the case for it, by all means, please comment. I'd love to hear it.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Cheatin' on the guy you're cheatin' on your husband with...does that make it cheating squared, or cheating twice-removed?

Ohhh fidelity, you're such a fickle mistress. Oops, poor choice of words, eh?

Kat said...

Anon. Once again, you don't know what you're talking about, but your comment was cute and witty.

Ryan Beaumont said...

What if you're an asshole or a dipsh*t? Does being yourself work in that case? :)

Ben said...

Another BIG peeve is the women who send a collect message, I reply, and then .... NOTHING.

Anonymous said...


Came across this older blog post on Ashley Madison. About thoroughly reading and commenting on something in a woman's profile, so many woman have absolutely nothing in their profile - no text, no check boxes, no nothing. Talk about a blind date!