Thursday, December 27, 2012

Men in Boxes

I like my men in boxes. Not real boxes, but figurative ones.

I knew a man once who liked to put a box-like steel cage around a woman's head before he had sex with her. It was an unusual dominant fetish, and while I don't like to call anyone's sexual practice "weird" because there is such a wide range of normal in the sexual landscape, this guy was, well, weird.

Anyway, as I was saying, I like my men in neat little boxes. Husband. Lover. Potential lover. Friend. Fuck buddy. Colleague. Employee. Client. Acquaintance. When they are in their boxes, I know where I stand. I feel in control of the situation.

Every now and then, someone jumps to another box. A fuck buddy becomes a lover. A friend becomes a colleague. A lover becomes only a friend. Sometimes the transition is smooth and easy, sometimes it's not, but as long as I know what box they're in, I know the parameters of the relationship and I know how to act.

In many cases, they'll jump back and forth between boxes or straddle more than one box. That's ok, too, as long as I know what boxes I'm working with.

The problems start, though, when a man refuses to get in a box or identify with a box. I'm not saying that he needs to be in the box *I* want him in. To the contrary, I'm perfectly ok with him picking his own box. Well, maybe I'm not "perfectly ok" with it, but I can tolerate it. It might take me a while to adjust if I don't like the box he picked, but I will.

There's a man in my life, let's call him K, who has me off balance. I didn't know why for a long time (months) , but I figured it out last night - he won't get in a box. He's clearly in the "friend" box, but he effortlessly dances me around the other boxes and every now and then we'll dip and I'll think we're going into another, but he spins me away. I get a bit shaky and confused, but then he sits securely back in the friend box and the parameters of the relationship become clear to me again.... until the music starts playing again.

I can't say this is bad. It's just unusual for a man in my life to not pick a box clearly and decisively. And don't think I force them into it. No, I've found that men want to be in a box very quickly (and no, Gentleman, that was not intended to be a metaphor for sex, although it could be, couldn't it?). A man meets a woman and ***BAM*** he wants in that fuck buddy box right away or he walks away with interest only in the acquaintance box.... Or he's struck by cupid and he pursues the lover box.

It's unusual for a man to resist getting in a box. It's unusual for me not to be in control. It's unusual for me to feel so off balance.

But K is definitely not usual or  average. He's quite remarkable, actually.

There has been no sex. Will there be? I have no idea. I usually know almost immediately if there will be sex, but K won't stay in a box, which I find intriguing and fascinating, frustrating and alluring.

And so we dance..... and he won't let me lead. I trip and stumble frequently. I say the wrong thing or stutter and giggle like a nervous teenage girl. I wonder if he'll be patient with me.

This Kat is used to being firmly in charge of any situation until and unless I choose to exchange that control for sexual pleasure. Not having that control to begin with is unsettling, but I think it might be good for me.

4 comments:

Octavia said...

Sometimes you can rule the dance and other times it rules over you. To have such a wonderful introspection on your relationship with K is pure literary gold. Great post!
Cheers,
Octavia

Krazy said...

I also like to put people in boxes, not just men, everyone! I like to know what to expect from everyone and then I know how to act in return. I don't like a predictable life though, and I like it when someone jumps out of a boring box and into a fun box every now and then. My lover for instance, jumped from his 'friend' box into the 'lover' box, then jumped back into a 'friends with benefits' box (or maybe he just panicked) and eventually wants to jump further back into the "friend" box but that's never worked and I doubt it ever will. I am a spectator while he does his acrobatics, and sometimes it hurts, but I still enjoy the show.
I bet K will jump into a sexual kind of box when he's done with the teasing.

All About Love And Sex said...

You meet a real player who comes across as challenging to you. That is a true player's skills of drawing a woman to him. He tries to 'pull' the woman to him instead of 'pushing' himself forward. Looks like the dancing session will go a little bit longer.

Kat said...

Ovtavia - Thank you. Sometimes it seems like I get too much into the introspection of it all. I need to back off.... Maybe. ;-)

Krazy- All those acrobatics are about guilt, aren't they? I normally wouldn't put up with so much box jumping, but I can't fault anyone for trying to make sense of things or trying to be a good person. But you're right. Sometimes it hurts.

All About Love - I chuckled thinking about the K as a "player," but you may be right. I'm going to make sure K reads your comment. We'll see if he feels convicted by it. I haha