That's what's on my mind this evening - stress, emotional intimacy, and cunnilingus. They are not necessarily related. Or are they?
The stress is mostly about my work. My stress level is above average and has been for the past few weeks, ok, months. Things change in a bit and some of that stress will be lifted after mid-day tomorrow, but it made me think about how stress in my life changes it. I put off things that I want to do and things that I should do. I accept behaviors from others in my life that I normally wouldn't because I need to keep the peace. I simply don't have the energy to fight. I spend less time with my children. I have less sex. It's weird because I stop doing (or cut way back on) the things that would help relieve some of my stress.
This is related to emotional intimacy because I push people back when I'm stressed. I don't tell them what's really going on with me.
How are you, Kat?
Great! Thanks for asking.
That's the answer regardless of what's going on. Sometimes I'll change it up, to Good or OK, but it's just code for "You really don't care, do you?" Because I know they really don't want to hear it. I wonder what would happen if I surprised them with, "Not great. I love someone who loves someone else (besides his wife)" OR "Could be better. I'm really worried about my son" OR "Except for some chronic health conditions that affect me every second of every day, I'm ok."
I've become much better at being more honest, particularly with those I love, but then just as I have, I find myself in the company of others I care about very much who push me away. It's like a dance. I move in, they move back. He moves in, I step back.
And then, when I finally let someone in completely - no hiding, no secrets, "all in" - I learn that it's not a two way street. Or maybe it's not. It is complicated.
I remember hearing (and even telling folks myself) that if someone really got to know you, they'd love you. How could they not? The problem is just that they don't know you. But what my mother never explained is what happens when someone does know you and they still won't go all in. Well, I can tell you. It leaves you feeling pretty stupid and hurt.....and committed to keeping your heart better protected next time.
Next time. If there is a next time. How many next times are left for women pushing 50? And what if I want to stick it out with things as they are? There was a time in my life when I would have said, "If you want love, don't settle for less." But that was a younger woman who had hundreds of "next times" left, and that woman wasn't in love. That woman wasn't already all in.
And all of this is magnified because I'm experiencing so much stress. Maybe next week, when the acute stress has passed, everything will be fine and none of these emotional intimacy issues will bother me. Maybe they'll just disappear into the ether.
Just as I was thinking of intimacy, cunnilingus popped into my mind. That's a pretty intimate act. I hate the name, though. It needs a nice euphemism, something better than pussy eating or pussy licking.
Those of you who haven't been reading long enough may not know this, but my husband has never gone down on me. Not once. Ever. In 25 years. I've had a few lovers do it over the years, but not very many. In fact, I can count the number of men who've done that for me on one hand, and three of them had no idea how to do it well. I found myself staring at the ceiling wondering if I should act like I liked it or if I should just shift positions and move on to something else.
I've had the pleasure of eating a few pussies in my life. Not many, but enough to know that it's not as easy as it looks. The female genitalia are not as simple and straightforward as the male. Men have a cock and balls. Simple. Women have a clitoris, two sets of labia, a vagina, and a g-spot. Wow. That's a lot going on in a space of just a few square inches. And while men's genitalia are all out in the open and easily available, some of a woman's best stuff is hidden. You've got to go find it. Once you've found it, you have to know what to do with it.
Maybe it's not supposed to be so easy to please a woman. Given the close connection between physical intimacy and emotional intimacy for women, maybe it's a built-in form of emotional protection.