Infidelity

I've been thinking about this concept a lot lately.  Unfaithfulness. Infidelity.

Essentially, it means not keeping your promise, and it has come to be used almost exclusively with the act of not maintaining sexual fidelity.

Marriages split up because one spouse had sex with someone outside the marriage. It has come to the point where it is almost the single most valued thing in a marriage. "I can put up with anything as long as he doesn't cheat on me."  Really?

I've been told many times that if I'm going to cheat, I should just end it, as if sexual fidelity is all there is and if you don't have that you have nothing. That's just bullshit.

A long term marriage is a very complicated thing. It involves being with someone day in and day out, often while raising children, and doing your best to support, not squash, each other's hopes and dreams.  It involves sickness and puke and seeing your partner in the most physically unattractive ways and still trying to maintain a sexual attraction. It involves a massive amount of forgiveness and humility. And love. Especially love.

I've shared with you before that my marriage vows were rather unconventional and didn't include most of the typical language of marriage vows, but the point was the same. I promised to be his partner in life, no matter what. That's it in a nutshell. I promised that nothing would ever make me walk away from him. Nothing means nothing. I promised to be in it for the long haul - in sickness, health, good times, bad times.While our vows didn't include a sexual fidelity component, most do, and it was pretty much understood in ours.  We just didn't say it.

The core of my commitment - and his - was that we would stay together no matter what. I would consider my husband truly unfaithful if he walked way from the marriage.  Anything short of that may fall under the "sickness, worst of times, or poorer" part, but it's certainly not cause to leave the marriage.

A word to my divorced friends....I'm not judging you.  To make a long term marriage work, both people must be fully committed and do their part to make the marriage work. If one party has checked out there's often nothing the other can do.

For those of you thinking, "What about abusive relationships?" I'll admit that my "no matter what" promise has two conditions - physically abusing me or abusing our children in ANY way. In those cases, I would leave immediately, but I can't say what would happen in the long run.  I've seen many families recover from such awful situations.  Each has to judge for him/herself.

But I digress.....again.  What I'm trying to say is that sexual infidelity does not erase years of fidelity to all the other promises. My husband has been with many other women during our marriage, and I didn't know about it until fairly recently. Should that outweigh everything he's done to honor our marriage over the past 27 years? Of course not. He's been my partner through thick and thin for a long, long time.  He's the father of my children.  So what if he likes to fuck younger women?  If it were a problem for me, we'd have to deal with that, but if it were so much of a problem that I'd throw everything away because of it, I'd be an idiot.

The opposite is also true.  If he was so twisted up over me having sexual encounters with other men that he couldn't see all the good in our relationship, he'd be an idiot.  But he can see beyond it.  He doesn't like it, and it was very upsetting for him when he first discovered it, but it's not going to destroy the marriage. Our marriage is about much, much more than sex. Most married couples understand that, but then they turn bat shit crazy over a single incident of cheating. It's illogical and shortsighted.

Let's look at it from another angle. If a marriage is reasonably good in most respects (or even if it isn't right now, but you believe in staying together no matter what), but the sex life is dead and there is nothing you can do to revive it, is it so bad to have those needs met elsewhere?  Obviously, I don't think so, but I am aware that I am in a minority. Does it make any sense at all to let sexual dysfunction or the lack of marital sex cause the downfall of the whole relationship?  Not to me.

I'm not saying that all marriages should be open relationships, but it's silly to let lack of sex poison things. It's just one piece of the marital relationship, after all.

Yes, I do think that the best case scenario is to have a healthy intimacy with your spouse that includes an awesome and ever-exciting sex life. If you've been married over 20 years and you have that and neither of you has cheated, God bless you. You have life's golden ticket.  Don't take it for granted.

If you're unmarried, or if you've been married for less than 18-20 years, you need to stop pushing morality that you can't possibly understand onto other people. I often wonder how many marriages split up because one spouse cheats and the other is pushed and prodded into divorce by well meaning friends and family members who don't truly understand the value of a long term loving, albeit imperfect, relationship with another human being.

Too often, we try to make very complex things simpler by narrowing them down to a few simple rules. That's what has happened with marriage and infidelity. Unfortunately, no matter how much you try to make it simpler, marriage isn't so easily "managed," neither is anything truly valuable in life.

If someone were to ask me if my husband has been faithful to me over these past 27 years, my answer would be, "In almost every way, and certainly in all the ways that really matter. I'm a very fortunate woman." His answer would be the same.

Roommate or Wife? (Revised)

I have a good friend who is going through a hard time with his marriage. He desperately wants to fix the things that are wrong, but his wife seems to be largely indifferent. .....

My friend requested that I pull the post since his wife might see it, but some of the comments were so good that I didn't want to do that, so I just deleted most of the post.  *Poof*

Some of you know that I also just pulled the post entitled "High Maintenance?" Frankly, I'm getting tired of writing posts and then pulling them.  I care about peoples' feelings, though, and that matters more than a blog post or two.

If you haven't read the comments, you should.

And I'll get to work on another post.

Getting Her Back with an Exorcism?

I heard this story on the news last night.  A man kidnapped his estranged wife. That wasn't the part of the story that got my attention.  He was assisted by the couple's 20 year old son. Okay, that's weird, but still not  what turned my head.

After they kidnapped her, they took her to a church, prayed over her and tried to conduct an exorcism. Why? Because the 42 year old husband was sure that she was demon possessed.  Why else would she leave him? Hubby and son thought that she would come back home if they exorcised the demons.

Instead, the police showed up, wifey (and, presumably, her demons) were freed, and hubby and son were arrested and taken to jail.

Wow.  That's a serious case of arrogance and self-deception, isn't it? I'm sure he honestly believes that there is no other legitimate reason for his wife to leave.  I'm no marriage counselor, but I think it's safe to say that there's probably no hope for this marriage. And I'm pretty sure that's why she left.

I've heard of lots of ways that men have tried to get their wives back, but exorcism wasn't on that list.

Until now.

Two Months? Really?

To be more accurate, it has been about a month and half since I posted, but that's still a l-o-n-g time.  I wonder if anyone is still out there. Anyone?

The only explanation I have is that the blog has not been high on my list of priorities. Family and work come first, and they have been commanding most of my attention over the past few months.

And I also haven't had much to say about prowling. The last extramarital sex I had was in mid-June when I met SNS Guy. Yes, that's five months of fidelity. Five months of nothing but Hubby.

It's not that anything is wrong with Hubby, but I've said it here before - going back to nothing but the same routine sex, same positions, same thing...the same thing we've done for 25 years - is difficult.  No, it's more than difficult. It's stifling.

I wonder sometimes if I could be ok with it if I had never known the likes of W, J, JJ, SNS Guy and the others, but I don't think so. I started prowling so I could fill that void in my life. Now, though, I know what I'm missing. So, I put one foot in front of the other and try to just walk through it. Each day and week and month of "just walking through it" kills some of the passion and desire in me.

Have you ever seen the movie Pleasantville? In the film, the black and white world of a small, restrained town slowly turns to color as the residents experience joy and real pleasure of all kinds. We cheer for them as the color bursts forth, freeing them from their old life and way of looking at the world. Prowling was a lot like that for me. Parts of myself that I had never known and other parts of me that I knew about but was too afraid to let loose just burst into color. I felt alive. Fully alive.

The last several months have been the beginning of the reversal of the process.  The world is slowly becoming more grey. I'm alive and well and reasonably healthy.  All is well with my family. There are challenges to face, but there always are. Hubby is finally happy because I'm compliant with his monitoring requirements and he's confident I'm not prowling. So, he's content and I'm fading a little more each day.

That sounds sad and pathetic, doesn't it? The truth is that it's really not as bad as all that. It is.  It's no way to live.

I'll never understand why people who claim to love us so much feel the need to keep us so tied down. Fear is a powerful motivator, I suppose.

A friend of mine encouraged me to share this with you.  I was just going to stay quiet forever, or until my world started turning to color again, but he's right.  Keeping it to myself helps no one. And nothing changes if I don't change it.

An image of a tiger in a cage (Kat in a cage?) comes to mind.  When the tiger is first captured, he pushes against the bars and roars and paces back and forth waiting for a chance to escape. Eventually, though, he just lays down, not even getting up when the cage door opens. He just gives up.

Time to get up and start pacing again.

Madison... What happened?

Daunt here.  For those that have been following, you saw my note in Panty Games part 1 that Madison and I are no longer seeing one another.  As promised I'll share with you what I can along with any thoughts I may have.  But first for those that are new or haven't been following my Madison posts, let me recap, just to bring them up to speed.

At the end of 2010 I hit a pretty rough patch in my life.  I was depressed and lonely, and still married.  I needed something, but I didn't know what it was.  Just trying to grasp at literally anything to break me out of my funk I got onto Ashley Madison which was fun. Ashley Madison was a distraction, a game.  Good things came out of it honestly. It was there I met Kat and our friendship began and shortly after I met Madison in early 2011.

Madison and I became friends via email then shortly after met for dinner a couple of times.  We enjoyed each other's company and there was a connection, but Madison was going on an out of country vacation that summer with husband.  Also at this time I still had not yet chosen to divorce my wife.  Madison went on her trip and I stopped hearing from her.  I just assumed she reconnected with her husband.

Fall of 2011 I chose to divorce and shortly after, out of the blue, I received a text from Madison.  We reconnected over dinner and a romance began to blossom.

My time with Madison was wonderful and we grew to love one another.  But this is not to say that we were never confronted with guilt or regret.  As I grew to know Madison, I also by extension learned a little about her husband.  She loved him.  I knew this.  The man seemed clueless and neglectful, but he didn't seem like a bad guy.  This bothered me because at times I felt like I was taking from, and possibly hurting, a man I had no grudge against.  Also at times Madison would be twisted up about needing the intimacy we shared, but at the same time knowing she did love her husband.

If you would like to read about Madison and the fun we had go to the All DauntlessD page.

What happened?  Why did it end?  Well, Madison and I were a pretty big part of one another's lives and when that happens it becomes something you want to share.  Madison told her best friend who she was sure would keep her confidence.  Madison was wrong.  Her now ex-friend just needed the right situation to gossip.  Shortly after, the news of Madison's affair bubbled up to her husband.

So, listen up!  Here is a rule for those of you either in or considering an affair.  If you are worried about being caught, tell no one! I know first hand how hard this can be -- and trust me it is hard!  As you grow to care about and know this other person, you just naturally want to share things you talked about, or that funny thing that happened with your other friends.  It's tough.  Believe me.

Now let's talk about the hurt and pain.  Of course Madison's husband was angry initially, but that changed to feeling heart-wrenching hurt and betrayal.  Madison didn't want to hurt her husband in this manner and she felt tremendous guilt about that.  At the same time she loved me and didn't want to hurt me.  To make matters worse she was isolated because she had no one to go to -- her best friend had betrayed her.  The pressure cooker she was in was simply awful and the helplessness I felt made me feel just as bad.

Madison began making plans to move out of her home and leave her husband. Maybe it was the affair.  Maybe it was the fact that he finally believed he was going to lose her, but at this point Madison's husband caught a clue.  He finally in earnest began fighting to save his marriage and keep his wife.  It took nearly a month for Madison to believe it was real, but it worked.

Here is where my heartbreak begins.  The communication between myself and Madison had been severely diminished since her husband found out.  Soon after entering a grocery store my phone rings.  Standing in a health food aisle I listen as Madison tearfully explains she is going to give her husband another chance.  Of course I say the right things and I tell her I understand; but as the day wears on a weight starts settling on me.  It feels like an icy iron fist is gripping my heart and slowly squeezing.

Of course I knew this could happen -- I was seeing a married woman!  What I hadn't counted on was the suddenness.  This woman I had grown to love and have an intimate relationship with was just... gone.  The plans we already had on the calendar weren't going to happen now.

Loneliness came in like a hammer.  And as I reflected on this I realized I had set this up 8 months prior without realizing it.  You see, I began seeing Madison before I had moved my would-be ex-wife out of the house.  By seeing Madison I had inadvertently delayed the loneliness I would have felt at the end of my marriage.

I've done an enormous amount of reflecting, trying to weigh whether all of what has happened was collectively more good or more bad.  In the end I think there is more positive than negative.  The joy and intimacy Madison and I shared is something I'd hate to have missed.

Maybe it was a mistake.  Maybe I was foolish to let myself get as emotionally invested as I did.  I'm not sure.

"Tis better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." ~ Lord Alfred Tennyson

Doubt

One of the things I've known for a long time is that I had no doubt at all if this prowling lifestyle was right for me. Some things were missing from my marriage - mostly sexual, but not all sexual - that I could get outside the marriage.  When I had those things, I was happier with my life in general, including with my marriage.

The things that were missing were not an indication of a shortcoming on my husband's part at all.  They are just the natural results of many long-term marriages - lack of passion in the bedroom, boring sex, a sense of suffocation from being fused to another human being for so long. There was no "my life" anymore; it was "our life." I didn't have friends; we had our friends.

Our names start with the same letter so half the time (literally, about half the time) people call me by his name. But most people who know us both (which is almost everyone we know) don't even both to call me by an individual name.  It's like we are one unit and our name is a run together version of what used to be our individual names (Mr.-Kat-and-Kat) or just the initials, "Are K&K going to be there?"

When I started prowling again a couple years ago, after an 8-year hiatus from the lifestyle in an attempt to "be good," what I really wanted was some breathing room. I loved my husband (I still do). The lack of passion between us left me wondering what kind of love I had for him, but there was never any doubt that I wanted him in my life.

But after that 8 years, the lack of passionate sex and the K&K straight-jacket were killing me. What happened is exactly what had happened before. I went outside the marriage, found what I needed, felt great, and all was well. For a while. Then I found out about hubby's cheating. And he found out about mine. My reaction to his was to ask for an open marriage.  His declined my request.  Apparently, he was ok with sex outside of the marriage as long as it was for him and not for me.

His reaction to learning about me was to have a breakdown. Knowing I cheated (and he has no idea of the extent of it) pulled the rug out from under him and rocked his emotional world. It has taken many months for him to regain his footing.  In the meantime, I've been on a very tight leash, which of course has made me feel more confined. What he was doing as a way to cope with his feelings and hold onto me was exactly the thing that made me want to get away from him and get some space.

And while I'm getting some space, why not have some fantastic and passionate sex at the same time?

There's a reason I'm recapping this story.  Stay with me.....

 Things are changing. He's trying to give me some room to have at least a little bit of a life of my own. He's trying very hard to make sex more satisfying for me. Is it all that I want? No.  Not even close.  But it's better. When I look into his eyes now, I don't see him looking through me. I see him looking at me. Unlike in the past, when he's with me, he's present. And lately, I have been, too.

This man has been with me for 25 years, through good times and bad.  And I mean really bad. We've hurt each other. We've helped each other.We've got a quarter century's worth of shared history between us. He's willing to let me call the shots. I can have whatever freedom I want. All he wants is for me to stop having sex with other men. That's it.  That one thing.

He won't leave me if I keep having sex outside the marriage, but it makes him terribly unhappy and anxious.  It makes him terrified that I'll meet someone else I like better and leave him. So, if I can just do that one thing for him, he'll work on the rest for me. Specifically, he'll take off the leash he's had on me for 25 years.

What does all this mean?

 It means that, for the first time in the 20 years that I've been prowling, I have some doubt. My certainty that this prowling lifestyle is right for me is wavering. For the first time, I'm considering if I can give my husband the one thing he wants.

 Can I look at fidelity as a gift rather than as a noose?

Can I be happy with a life of mediocre sex?

Can I stop looking at men as potential sex partners?

If he gives me what I want most (some freedom and independence), will I be able to give him what he wants (fidelity)?

I don't have any answers. I only have doubt.

Work, Sex, Communication....and Marital Discord

I know I haven't been posting regularly, Prowlers. I'm sorry about that.  Trust me, I really want to post often, but sometimes life just gets in the way. This time, it has been work that has interfered. As many of you know, I own a small business and the buck stops with me, as they say. I've been working long hours and not having time to do any of the things I really enjoy.

And that includes sex.

Marital sex is complicated enough under the best of circumstances, but when you throw in crazy work hours and work-induced exhaustion, it's even worse.

For example, I worked a 15 hour day yesterday (yes, on Sunday), came home, fixed dinner for the family (late), cleaned up, got the little one bathed and to bed, showered myself and went to bed. Don't even get me started on why I had to make dinner when Hubby and my adult son were home all day lounging around; that's really another conversation entirely, but it is related to the exhaustion factor.

In spite of all of that, I was up for sex.  Heck, I'm always up for sex. In fact, I primed the pump, so to speak, in the shower and it wouldn't have taken much to make me very, very happy, relaxed, and ready for my six hours of sleep.

I got in bed, and there was Hubby.  Sweet Hubby. Hubby had a dilemma.  He knew I've been working like crazy and he doesn't want to pressure me into sex when he knows I'm tired.  Of course, he had no problem with that over the dinner issue, but I digress.....again.

He also knows that, generally speaking, I want sex all the time. He's not particularly interested in sex.

He's confused. He has a dilemma.  What to do?  What to do?

So, he says, "I can do you if you want. I don't want it, but I can do you if you want."

Wow.  What a way to get a gal's pussy quivering....NOT.

I would have enjoyed sex, even as tired as I was, but I was too tired to deal with "duty sex" and the emotion that it stirs up in me. And I was way too tried to have the conversation that usually goes along with duty sex (explaining to Hubby, in language that men understand, why his offer is not alluring in any way).

I responded, "No, thank you."  That's it.  A simple, "No, thank you."

Hubby knew he was in trouble. He was ready for, "Sure, let's fuck!" or a conversation of some kind, but "No, thank you" in that situation is wife-speak for, "Don't do me any favors, you son-of-a-bitch. And don't touch me, either."

I rolled over and was in the process of falling asleep (because I really was that tired), but he wanted to talk. Uuugghhhhhh. So, we talked about the duty sex offer.  We talked about how many hours I've been working and how he wants me to work less.  We talked about how I'd like a little help around the house.  We talked about how he misses me because I'm gone so much.  We talked about how little sex we've had recently and his fear that it means I'm getting it elsewhere (which is true, but not lately. Why?  Because I'm working too much!).

By the time the conversation was done, I was wishing I had ignored my abhorrence of duty sex and just said, "Sure, let's fuck!" We would have been done a lot sooner. A lot sooner.

It occurred to me this morning that this bout of marital discord could have been avoided with just a little bit better communication before we got into bed. All I had to do was indicate that I wanted it or not and Hubby never would have been forced into his atrocious duty sex offer which started the downhill spiral. While I was tired, I wasn't too tired to say, "Let's get it on" or "Let's skip sex tonight, ok?" That's all it would have taken.

But I didn't say anything. The real problem wasn't that I have been working too much (although that is a problem).  The real problem was communication....again.

So, today I decided that I was not going to make the same mistake. I sent Hubby the following series of text messages throughout the day:

7:00 a.m. - Please be advised that I would like a nice hard fucking tonight.

10:00 a.m. - Still want to cum.  Don't forget.

11:00 a.m. - Did I mention I'm not wearing a bra today?

12:30 p.m. - I'm looking at the picture on my desk of our trip to Florida.  Remember making love in the hot tub?

2:30 p.m. - (No words, just a picture of my tits I took in the bathroom with my phone.)

4:00 p.m. - I'll be home by 7:00. Can you get dinner started? That will leave me more energy to give you a nice long blow job later.

5:30 p.m. - Do we have to wait 'til bedtime?  Can't we just duck into the back room for a few minutes while the kids are watching TV?  Better yet...let's do that AND do it at bedtime, too!

6:30 p.m. - Did I mention that I'm horny and I would love some hot sex with you tonight?  Be home soon.;-)

Think he got the message?

I'll let you know. It's time to head home.

The Response

I was very moved by the response to the post Why I Cheat, not because I wanted approval of or support for my choices, but because I was struck by how many of us struggle with sexual issues at home. Having a mismatch in sexual desire between spouses is not uncommon at all, but when you're living with it, you feel alone because folks don't talk about it.

Sure, there's a common refrain from men worldwide that their wives don't give them enough sex, but accepting that that's "just the way it is" minimizes the issue and discounts the huge amount of pain that the situation causes men. And when the wife is the one with the greater sex drive, it's just as hurtful.

Recently, I had lunch with a friend whose marriage was on the rocks and her husband had moved out.  She was talking about it, asking for advice and my thoughts on the situation because she couldn't figure out why they had just become so disconnected.  She shared many personal details about their relationship, but none were sexual.  I asked her, "How's your sex life?  What's going on there?" She looked shocked that I even mentioned sex and she quickly said, "Oh, everything is fine in that area.  We have no problems there."

Bullshit.

My question is, why can't we talk about this stuff? Talking about it with a spouse (and that's the exact person with whom we should be talking) is extremely difficult. We don't want to hurt their feelings.  We're afraid we'll say something wrong and make things worse.  We have lost confidence that even possible to change things, so why bother?

I think it's so hard because it gets down to who we are as men and as women. It's about our emotional identity and our sexual identity and messing with those is just dangerous. It's Pandora's Box; you don't know what's in there but once it's open there's no putting it back in the box and there may be no controlling it.

But why wouldn't my friend discuss it? She couldn't hurt me by discussing it.  She wouldn't harm the friendship.

Why do we choose to be miserable, rather than talk about it?

There's another blogger who suggests that men tell their wives about their sexual expectations of them and that they explain that it is part of their marital responsibility and they will be expected to turn their husbands on and participate with enthusiasm. The problem with that is that you can't make people want you - at least not for long.

When we had been married several years, my husband made a similar demand.  I was working full time, I had a two year old at home, and I was going to graduate school.  And he wanted enthusiastic sex every other night regardless of how I felt emotionally or physically.

I tried.  I was successful for a while, too.  But then I started to dread "sex nights" because it became a huge source of stress and pressure, and I knew that if he didn't have sex that night he'd become sullen and quiet until he did.  And then there was the schedule.  If I missed a sex night, he expected that I make it up, which meant two or three nights in row. And it was my responsibility to initiate.

After several months, I couldn't handle it anymore, and sex had become no fun for me at all.  It was a chore, and at a time in my life when I was dealing with extreme stress in most areas of my life, it only added more.  It wasn't a loving communion between partners anymore. It was an oppressive control mechanism.

I finally broke down in tears one day and told him I couldn't handle it anymore.What shocked me was that he had no idea how unhappy I was.  Why?  Because I wasn't talking to him about how I was feeling and I was "performing" well in bed.

What he was really trying to tell me months before is that sex was very important to him, that he became physically and emotionally uncomfortable when he went for days or weeks without it. What he gave me instead was a command to perform.

Fast forward 20 years...... The situation is now reversed. I become physically and emotionally uncomfortable without regular sex, and he feels like sex is a chore and he has to perform.  The difference is that when we were younger, he didn't notice how I felt about it until I completely lost it. Today, I notice every sigh, reluctant touch, nod of the head when he's about to doze off.  Part of me gets very angry.  Why can't he just fake it like I was forced to do years ago?  If I could pretend that I was really into it, why can't he?

But I don't want him to pretend to be happy.  I want him to be happy. I don't want him to feel the emotions I felt back then.  I love him.

So, we keep moving forward, dealing with it as best we can.  Sometimes we talk.  Sometimes we fake it.  Sometimes we really connect and have great sex.  Sometimes I feel like a lousy wife who can't inspire her husband to want her.  Sometimes he feels like a lousy husband who can't satisfy his wife.

But we always end up looking past the sex and see our best friend.

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I genuinely appreciate all the comments and the many emails written by folks who didn't want to comment but wanted to share their own stories. If I haven't responded to you yet, please be patient.

Infidelity and A Biology Lesson

Infidelity is fairly common.  Studies estimate that between 50-60% of married men and 40-50% of married women, have at least one extramarital affair. The majority of those men have more than one affair.

As you might expect, I read a lot about infidelity and I listen to what people have to say about it. What perplexes me is how men who have multiple affairs are characterized.  The author of one famous sex study speculates that men who have  multiple sexual extramarital affairs throughout their life probably suffer from "deep emotional pain and dysfunction."  

Seriously? That's just crazy.

Let's back up a bit and take a look at biology.  Men have a biological need for regular sex. It has been scientifically validated.  It's not a myth, it's not speculation, and it's not just something the teenage boys say in the back seats of cars (right after, "I love you" and "Of course I'll respect you tomorrow") to get their girlfriends to put out. There are many sources that document this, but here's a decidedly unscientific one that explains the biological process in layman's terms from a Christian perspective. I picked this one so my Christian friends will understand that faith does not exempt you from the demands of biology.  Yes, this is how God made you. On purpose.

Why? It's about preservation of the species. It's much more complicated than I have space to explain here, but if men had the same sex drive as most women, the species would likely have become extinct long before now.

That's not all.  Men are drawn to healthy, young women because of a reproductive instinct, whether or not they intend on reproducing. Men in their 40's or 50's who go nuts over women in the 20's are biologically predisposed to this.  It's not a failing of society or due to the ugliness of their wives or due to the fact that they are sexually deviant perverts.

Women don't want to believe these things.  We want to believe that if our husbands want or (gasp!) have sex with another woman (god forbid a younger woman) that there must be something wrong with them or with us (no, not us, it's them). If they have multiple sexual affairs, they must have a sex addiction and they need treatment to cure them of this abnormality. 

That thinking is completely and totally off base.  I'm not saying that there is no such thing as sex addition, and I'm not saying that men are incapable of controlling themselves.  What I am saying is that men who are monogamous are fighting against their own biology to stay that way. Those who don't get their sexual needs met at home will probably try hard to hang in there, but the odds are very high that they won't be able to fight the urge to get sex somewhere.

Women think, "If he has sex with another women, that means he doesn't love me." Bullshit. When we're teenagers, the message that "sex isn't love" is forced into us as a technique to try to keep us from having sex as teenagers, but when we're married, suddenly sex is love?  Nope.  Last year around this time, I wrote a post called 10 Tips for Wives To Keep Your Husband from Cheating. For the most part (except for tips 9 and 10) it's about sex.  Why? Because for the most part, the reason he stepped out was about sex.  For most of the others, it's about tip #9. 

Not only do we women tend to make men feel like perverts because of their natural sex drive, but we work hard to "tame" them, then we complain that they are not "real men."  We want to be in control at home, then we complain that he won't take charge. We swoon over their aggressiveness in the pursuit of us when we're courting, then we spend decades trying to squelch that aggressiveness. In our early years of marriage, we complain that "all he wants is sex" and we push him away repeatedly and then in the later years of our marriage we complain that "he doesn't want me anymore." 

We fall in love with and marry a man, then we spend the rest of our lives doing our best to make him as much like a woman as possible.

And then, after all that, we expect him to stay faithful when everything in him (biologically and emotionally) is screaming at him to go out and fuck the shit out of a young honey who treats him like a man and who lets him behave like a man (and likes it).

Wake up, Ladies.

And as for you men.... Stop letting your wife beat you into submission.  Educate her. Love her enough to push back and not let her be fooled by what the women's movement and the media have told her for years. Taking charge is not abuse.  Whoever got women believing that should be publicly flogged for it.  

We are all paying for it.

A Story About a Marriage Made Better by an Affair

I met R on Ashley Madison.  He was a great guy. In his 60's. Fit. Married for 40 years. Fun. Smart. A good provider.  He loved his wife very, very much.  She was his best friend. The only problem he had at home was the lack of sex and lackluster sex, and those had been  problems for decades.  In recent years, he had tried everything -talking with her, encouraging her, and even several years of couples therapy. The conclusion was "that's just how she is."

It was at that point that R went on AM looking for more. I was skeptical when we met, both because of his age (I have a 60+ honey at home, ya know) and the fact that he had been having less that fabulous sex for so long.  Maybe he wasn't as good as he thought he was.  He didn't have much feedback to go on.  I know it seems a bit shallow to have thought such things, but I'm just telling you the truth.  At that point in my life, I was looking for a "friend with benefits" situation so the quality of the "benefits" mattered.

I was very pleasantly surprised.  He was an amazing lover! He was generous and patient.  He had an unbelievable amount of stamina and, I have to say it, a cock that was well above average in size (both length and girth). And yes, he definitely knew how to use it - and his fingers...and his tongue.

After being with him about three times, I started to think, "What the heck is wrong with his wife? I know women who would kill to have this man at home.  He's the whole package."

Everything was going along nicely until his wife, P, found out. She didn't take it well. Apparently things were not pretty for awhile.  He continued to see me, being more careful.

R told her why he was having an affair.  He confirmed that he loved her and he didn't want to lose her, but she couldn't argue that he had tried everything he could think of to improve their sex life and she had just refused to make a change, and he couldn't stand it anymore. I am sure that was as difficult a thing to say as it was to hear.

After an initial period of anger and tears, something happened.  She started fighting for her husband - in the bedroom. Apparently, the conclusion that "that's just how she is" was wrong. That was how she was choosing to be, but faced with the prospect of sharing her husband with another woman (and a younger one at that), she decided to make an effort. And things started to change.  Both the frequency and the quality of their sex improved.

I have to admit, I was proud of her! She didn't just lay down and cry, she decided to do what she could to give her husband what he wanted to he wouldn't want another woman. She was going to fight for 40 years of marriage and all of the wonderful things they shared.

When she caught him again, he finally cut things off with me for good.  I haven't heard from him since, but I know for certain that their marriage is better because of the affair he had. It was the shake up P needed to get out of her comfort zone and take her husband's sexual needs seriously.

Now, it could easily have gone the other way and many couples end up in divorce court instead of wedded bliss after an affair, but my point is that it doesn't always mean divorce. Not only can marriages stay together after an affair, but sometimes they are even better than they were before.  That is how it was for R and P.

10 Simple Truths about Marriage and Infidelity

I was reading a blog today that got me thinking about some simple truths about marriage and affairs that people often get wrong. Okay, I'll admit that I was inspired because so many things I read today on that blog were just flat wrong, and I felt the need to set the record straight.

So here they are.  10 Simple Truths about Marriage and Infidelity:

1. It takes two.  If there are problems in your marriage after many years, it's not just your spouse's fault. It takes two to build a strong relationship and it takes two to let one deteriorate. I completely understand that after a while you just get tired of pushing a boulder uphill when it seems like your spouse is pushing it downhill, but if you quit you are just as responsible for the state of things as s/he is.
2. Infidelity doesn't automatically mean the marriage is over. If it does end the marriage, it's because one or both of you doesn't want to be married anymore. Many marriages survive infidelity.
3. You either take "for better or worse, until death do us part" seriously or you don't. If you have a list of conditions that you won't tolerate, you are hedging your bet against "the worse" part and you're not all in. If your spouse has an affair and is sorry for it and has asked your forgiveness and you  choose divorce, the divorce is not your spouse's fault. She may have cheated (probably a violation of the vows), but you chose to cut and run (also a violation of the vows). Remember your mom saying that "two wrongs don't make a right?"
4. No one has an affair because everything is fabulous at home. This goes along with the "it takes two" truth. If your spouse has an affair, you are not an innocent victim.  I'm not saying that it was right for her to cheat, but if she was getting her needs met at home, she probably would have stayed there. It's easy for the non-cheating spouse to feel like, and thus play, a victim, but there are no victims here -just two people trying to lead a fulfilling life while dealing with the challenges of life and marriage.
5. It is possible to love two people at once. I'll hear people say, "Well, if you love your mistress, you must not really love your wife."  Bullshit. We have a huge capacity for love. There is no doubt that I love my husband. I also love JJ. 
6. Having an affair does not necessarily mean that a person wants out of the marriage. To the contrary, it is usually a way of trying get some needs met so he doesn't have to leave the marriage. How do you know that a person wants out of the marriage? It's when they either say they want out of the marriage or they leave.
7. Affairs almost never end well. There really isn't a "happily ever after" in the world of infidelity. It is extremely rare for affair partners to stay together in the long run, whether or not they get caught. This reminds me of a joke I like to tell about marriage. Well, it's sort of a joke, but not very funny. While affairs almost never end well, marriage never ends well. Why? Because marriage always ends in divorce or death.Get it? Death or divorce are the only choices....haha....Of course, there is nothing funny about either death or divorce.  Moving on...
8. A wife who is "frigid" does not want to be that way. Women want to please their husbands. They either want to have a vibrant and passionate sex life or they want to want to. For a woman, desire is about hormonal balance, emotions, energy, and many other things. Sexuality is a much simpler formula for men. Daunt reminded me recently that "women need to feel loved to have sex; men need to have sex to feel loved." Okay, it's not a perfect statement because I have no problem having sex without feeling loved and I know men in sexless marriages who are certain they are loved, but the point is that most women can't just have sex without dealing with other conditions - most in her own body. A woman may act like she doesn't need or miss sex, but there is sadness and an awareness of something important missing brewing under the surface. She probably needs help, but is too embarrassed to ask because she doesn't know what is wrong.
9. In a long term relationship, talking about sex will lead to better sex. I didn't say "arguing about not having sex," but talking about sex itself. In the beginning, you don't need to talk about it much because it is new and hot and exciting, but as the years fly by, talking about it is how you'll keep it fresh. I know. Talking about sex isn't easy.  I'll give you some suggestions in one of my upcoming posts. Here are some things to consider - most women who give lousy head and most men who suck at giving oral sex will say they don't like it. Researchers who went further learned that most don't like it because they don't know what to do or how to do it, and they are too embarrassed to ask. Talking about it and learning more would make all the difference.
10. Marriage isn't easy. The payoff comes in day-to-day victories and in looking at the person across the table from you decades after you were married and realizing that there is someone in this world who knows you better and loves you more than anyone else on the planet. Those who advocate for giving your spouse an ultimatum over sex just don't understand that marriage is not supposed to be easy. Hormones fluctuate wildly through a woman's body over the course of her life. There will be good times for sex, and bad times for sex. Children require different levels of care at different times of their lives.  This affects sex, too. While building their careers, many men (and sometimes women) work longer hours than are best for a marriage. Family members die.  Depression or other mental illness strikes. Stress and advancing age make it harder for a man to perform sexually. So?  Life happens. We don't get married so we can avoid dealing with life.  We marry so we can have a partner to go through life with us.  If we're lucky, it's our best friend.

The Funnier Side of Marriage

I was looking for a particular joke about marriage that I read recently that applied to what I wanted to write about today. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find it, but while I was searching I found this Marriage Jokes site.

There I was, innocently perusing and enjoying the jokes as I looked for the one I remembered.  Then one hit me light a lightning bolt and I burst into laughter - out loud (which is a bit odd in an office of writers where the only typical sounds are tapping keyboards and soft background Pandora music).

Here it is:

Two married men, Bill and Paul, were having a drink after work. 


 Bill says: "Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?" 


"How do you mean?" said Paul. 


"Well, see the other day when buying airline tickets, instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg" 


"Yeah, I know what you mean," said Paul. "Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Please pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was "Shut up you witch, you've ruined my life!"


I'm not sure why I found this so funny. It must be my goofy mood today.

And I really need to laugh.  If you've got a funny marriage joke, please share it! And yes, it's okay to copy and paste from the Marriage Jokes site if you must, just remember to give credit to the source.

Maybe I'll offer a prize of some sort to whoever comes up with the funniest joke........

Is Compromise Possible?

I know that people make many compromises in a marriage. It's how you get along with someone else and how you can manage to live together happily for decades.  Of course, there are some things on which people can't or won't compromise.  We all have those issues. Sometimes they change as we grow and age and sometimes they don't.

I find myself in a situation with Hubby where compromise may not be possible.

First, let me say that we have agreed that we are staying together no matter what. Divorce is not an option. We love each other, and our children, and we are committed to making the marriage work.  We get along very well.  We enjoy each other's company. Our relationship is very good, except for this pesky sex issue.

He wants us to re-commit to only having sex with each other.  Even though we both have done our share of straying outside the marriage for sex recently, he wants that to stop now.

I want to continue to have the freedom to have sex outside the marriage.  I'm totally fine with him having sex with other women if that's what he would like to do. If not, I'm okay with that, too. But I want it all to be out in the open.  No more lying.

This is kind of where things are at right now, but not because we have agreed.  It's kind of the default situation until we reach agreement. I'll admit though, that I have cut way back on my prowling out of respect for him until we reach agreement, and when he asks about it, I tell the truth.

I guess it sort of feels like a compromise to me because I'm doing much less prowling than I'd like.  Of course, Hubby doesn't see it that way. To him, screwing JJ once a month or once a week is all the same.

We're in the negotiation stage now.  We have been here for a while, but our positions haven't been as clearly defined as they are now.

Is compromise possible in this situation?

The First Time

I looked over at my husband while he was sleeping last night. Just a tiny sliver of light from the hallway was all I needed to see him clearly in the darkness. The years have changed him. That gorgeous, wavy black hair he had when we met is now all grey. He's an inch and a half shorter, too, almost as if the weight of decades of work and worry took its toll physically. Wrinkles have replaced the firm skin of youth, and his shoulders are hunched just a little bit, stealing some of that appearance of pride and confidence with which he carried himself for most of his life.

But in spite of all those changes, I can still see him. I can still see the man who asked me out on our first date and worried that I wouldn't be interested because I was so much younger. I can still see the man who stood holding my hand as we married, promising to stay with me until he had breathed his last breath. I can still see him holding our oldest son just seconds after he was born, standing there with a look of wonder on his face and tears in his eyes. I can still see the man who laid in a hospital bed helplessly as he battled a bout of pneumonia that almost took his life. I can still see the man who held my hair back when I was kneeling in front of the toilet sicker than I had ever been before. I can still see the man who held me when I buried my mother; the same man who cared for my uncle gently and lovingly as he finally surrendered to cancer.

When he rolled over, he snuggled against me and put his arm around me, and I felt the man who made love to me for the first time. I had had sex many times before I met him, but the first time with him was the first time I had ever truly made love to a man. I knew then that we'd marry and I'd stay with him for the rest of my life. I knew then that he was "the one." It took him a couple more months to figure it out.

Since then, we've had our share of both the better and the worse, the good times and the bad. We've both gone through periods of growing pains when we weren't sure we wanted to stay, but we did. We both suffered losses from which we thought we'd never recover, but we did. We have both been wounded by the other in ways that we worried we wouldn't be able to forgive, but we did.

Just as I looked at him last night and saw the man I knew and loved, there have been times over the past quarter of a century when I looked at him and thought I was looking at a stranger. We had drifted so far apart that the only thing keeping us together was that promise to stay that we made years before. It was enough.

So, what is a perfect marriage? Is it one in which the two parties are never sexually unfaithful? If so, that wouldn't be us because we both have strayed in that way- more than a few times. Is it one in which the two people have the same perspective on life? If so, that wouldn't be us either because at various times in our marriage we have stood at opposite ends of opinion and perspective. Is it one which the people never really had anything truly bad happen to them? If so, that wouldn't be us because we have walked through unspeakable loss - the loss of a child, of parents, of friends.

I think that no marriage is perfect and yet all marriages are perfect. No one can live up to the image of a happy marriage that has no hard times, suffers no loss, moves along throughout the years without a hitch. But we all can choose to stay married, to overlook our partner's shortcomings and find ways to be reasonably happy, sometimes even VERY happy.

When you can look at your husband late at night and still see the lover he was when he made love to you the first time and you can't imagine your life without him, you have a pretty perfect marriage - as perfect as it gets, anyway. The rest is unimportant.

Marriage in the Bedroom

There are thousands of blogs out there.  Some are good, and some are not so good. Every now and then I come across a new one that catches my attention.  Marriage in the Bedroom (by Ponyboy) is one of those.

Marriage in the Bedroom is not a sex blog, but sex is a frequent topic.  It is not an infidelity blog, either, but it discusses infidelity.  Okay, I can hear you now, "Kat, if it's not a sex blog or an infidelity blog, why are you recommending it?" That's a fair question.

It's about the marital relationship, and the issues and struggles that married couples face - including sex.  It's well written and it's written by a man who is clearly living day to day in the marital trenches like most of us are.

My favorite posts so far:

A Good Wife is Not Defined by How Much She Puts Out - This is the post that first got my attention. When I read it, I saw a loving husband. What's not fabulous about that? But it's not all touchy feely hearts and smiles....

How Not to Be a Pussy - This post has five great tips on how to be a man in your marriage. Memorize them, guys.

Take Responsibility for Your Sex Life - Suggestions that the author (Ponyboy) read on another blog that have worked for him.

Alpha - Beta Balance - If you read the male "game" blogs, you read a lot about alpha, alpha, alpha, but these guys just don't get that it's not all about being Alpha. There's a time and place for it, of course, but all alpha and no beta makes a guy who has sex with his hand more than with any woman.  Ponyboy gets it.

Brain and Cock Are Not Connected, Brain and Pussy Are - This has to be one of my favorite blog post titles of all time. And it's true.

Some really good blogs have been shut down recently.  While those favorites can never be replaced, it's nice to know that we can turn to some new talent to help us fill the void.

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Oh!  While you're reading Marriage in the Bedroom, don't forget to comment, follow, etc.  Introduce yourself and make yourself at home. :-)

Comfortable, Predictable, and Safe

One of the biggest advantages of a long term marriage (20+ years) is that it is comfortable, predictable, and safe.

One of the biggest challenges of a long term marriage is that it is comfortable, predictable, and safe.

*sigh*

Yeah, it's confusing.

Comfortable becomes complacent. Predictable becomes boring. Safe becomes smothering and restrictive.

Sometimes.

Other times comfortable means you can just relax. Predictable means you don't have to deal with the stress of constant change. Safe means the experience of both physical safety and emotional safety.

Usually, you experience it both ways at different points in the marriage.

Some people deal with this situation well. Others don't. Most get divorced because they can't stand it. Many find relief by cheating. Others drink or find some other way of dealing with it.

Sometimes it's all you can do to just hold on to get through the hard times, the years of feeling invisible and realizing that the life you're living is not the one you want.

If you deal with it by cheating, most folks just don't get it, and (if anyone knows) you get subjected to pot shots from the cheap seats - moral judgements made by people who simply don't know what it's like and moral judgements made by people who do know what it's like, but have chosen another way of dealing with it, therefore allowing them to feel superior.

The big payoff comes for those who weather the storm - no matter how they have to do it - and grow through it.  The payoff is a lifelong, intimate and special connection with another human being.

Imagine that the only way to get to heaven would be to have to walk through parts of hell and purgatory to get there.  That's what I'm trying to describe.

If you have been married for decades and you have never gone through any of this and you don't really know what I am talking about, you are a very fortunate exception to the rule.

I'm reading a book right now  in which the author refers to marriage as a "people growing institution." Experiencing wedded bliss at all times is not the point.  Growing together over decades as you walk through mud and fire and flowers and sun---all while raising a family...that is the point.

Together you experience the best and the worst of who you each are. And you choose to love each other anyway.

That is the point.

Sex for Kat and Hubby after the Big Confession

The Big Confession (or should I say, big confessions?) changed things in my marriage. For those of you who are new here, a couple of months ago my husband confessed that he had been unfaithful for the better part of the past 5 years, with multiple women.  About a month ago, I confessed my infidelities. Everything was out on the table and we had to decide where to go from there.

Would we stay together?  That was the easiest decision because we both are committed to each other and our marriage.

But what was next?  Would we recommit to fidelity? Would we agree to an open marriage? Would we start swinging? Would we ever be able to really trust each other again like we did before? What would happen to our sex life?

Specifically, my husband was worried that I would be bored by him since I had enjoyed so many alternatives. It wasn't an unreasonable concern. Neither of us knew if I could be satisfied by plain vanilla after sampling lots of other delectable flavors.

We decided to try a fresh start and focus on improving both our communication and sex life. We got into counseling (individual and couples counseling), and we agreed to tell each other the truth, meaning that if I had a roll in the hay with JJ, I would tell Hubby, and he would admit any slips he had.

We agreed to start acting like we did early in our marriage, whether or not we felt like it. What did that mean? It meant the TV would get turned off in the evening.  It meant we would go to bed as soon as the kids were asleep so we'd have time for each other. It meant we'd start dating again, at least one night a week. It meant we'd leave heartfelt love notes for each other in the car, on the bathroom mirror, etc. We brought our plan into the current century by adding loving and sexy email and texts to each other throughout the day. I started sexting him at embarrassing moments.

And it meant we'd plan on sex every night. The rule was/is that neither of us can cancel it during the day, but either of us can cancel when we are actually in bed; however, the one who cancels is obligated to help the other come if he/she wants. I have to tell you I have been surprised by how many times I thought I was too tired or not in the mood, but when we started enjoying each other and I started helping him get off, I started to get excited, too.

We also each decided to really give it an honest try.  For me, that meant I would get into it with all the enthusiasm I had with JJ or J or S or...... For him, that meant being willing to try some variety and focusing on my pleasure.

So, for the first two weeks, that's how it was - sex every night.  Sometimes more than once. And it was really great sex! My old dog hubby kept thinking that he couldn't do it again for the 4th (5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, etc...) night in a row, but he did, and quite nicely, I might add. ;-)

We included some play with sex toys, and experimented with different positions. We asked each other what we had liked about sex with our other lovers and we incorporated some of those things into our own lovemaking.

The next week, it slowed down a little.  We only had sex on five nights of the seven that week. There were two nights that we both agreed to take a break.  Frankly, I needed a break, things were starting to get a little sore "down there" from all the attention. What a wonderful problem to have, huh? It was during this week that we also started reading to each other in bed (sex books and books about reclaiming your marriage) and talking about what we read.

Over the last 7 days, we've had sex on six nights. On one of them, we had agreed not to, but I changed my mind just as we were about to fall asleep and that kept us up for a couple more hours.

As the sex got better, lots of other things started turning around, too.  We actually wanted to be around each other more. We started talking more.

It didn't solve all of our problems, though.  Hubby is still too clingy, afraid that I'm going to take off and find another man...and, ultimately, leave him.  He has a reason to be concerned.  I won't leave him., but I have not lost my desire for my honey...or J, or P. or B, or C.....or...... As you can see, PWK is still here and going strong.

A couple of nights ago, we discussed a new "problem" we have.  We need to adjust our "act like we were newly together" plan because the sex now is much better than it was when we were newly together.  Huh? How can that be? Sounds crazy, huh?  I always thought that people were supposed to be on track for divorce when affairs were discovered, but that's not what has happened for us. The man who seemed to have lost interest in me sexually is now pursuing me and is trying as hard as he can to keep me interested in him and not in other men.

Now, we're looking to the future and wondering where it goes from here. You never really know what's going to happen in life, do you?

I'd better get writing.  I have some hot sex posts to write.

Negotiating with Hubby

It was almost two weeks ago that I revealed my infidelity to Hubby. He told me about his a couple of months ago. Now that the "Kat is out of the bag," so to speak, we have spent the better part of the last couple of weeks deciding how we want our marriage to work.

Our starting points were almost as far apart as you can imagine.  I wanted an open marriage in which we both could have sex with others, as long as we didn't lie to each other about it. He wanted to go back to what he thought was going on before - he can have sex outside the marriage, but I remain faithful. We each vetoed the other's starting proposal.

At first, the issue was sex. He came around to, "OK, let's start over, and both of us will be faithful and honest." I met him part way with, "Sounds good, but I'll remain faithful only if you can meet my sexual needs."

As we talked, though, it became clear that sex wasn't the only issue. Hubby was also concerned about emotional fidelity (specifically, he doesn't want me becoming emotionally attached to another man - with or without a sexual relationship). I was concerned about being controlled and monitored too much, living a life with no freedom at all.  I'm not talking about sexual freedom, but the freedom to go out with friends if I want, the freedom to talk to whoever I want, and befriend whomever I choose.

My insistence on having some emotional space, coupled with my seeming nonchalance about whether he has sex with other women or not, flipped Hubby's insecurity switch, complicating our negotiations. I learned that no matter how much you tell a man that you are not going to leave him, once you have had sex with another man, he apparently will never believe you. 

I pointed out to him that he was having sex with a bunch of women over a period of years, and he didn't leave me. He clearly understands the difference between sex and love.  Why can't he believe that I know the difference, too? It seems that men are just wired to believe that they can fool around and still remain with the family, but women can't do the same. 

To a man, a woman's infidelity is a huge betrayal, but his own infidelity is just a minor indiscretion that doesn't mean he is any less devoted to his wife.

Huh?

So, how have we resolved this? So far, we have an agreement that has several components:

1. We agreed that we will talk more and keep the lines of communication open. We are doing very well with this.  I think we have talked more in the last two weeks than we have in any year of our marriage. We are checking in with each other emotionally a lot, and talking a lot more about what we each like sexually. We are also receiving couples counseling.
2. We agreed that we will remain faithful to each other - at least for now - but that either of us can bring this up for renegotiation at any time.  OK, I'll be honest.  I'm not giving up my honey. So, I'm back to a little prowling, but much less than before. In fact, we get together so infrequently that it's almost like I've given up prowling, but not.
3. We agreed that we would spend more time together to develop our relationship. This means bringing back our weekly "date night" and doing more things together.  It also means that I'll only work late if I have no other choice and that I'll try to avoid weekend work, too. If you own a business, as I do, you know that this is no small commitment.
4. We agreed that he would let me have time for myself and that he won't constantly monitor me. This means I can chat with Daunt or any other friend without his reading over my shoulder and constantly asking what we're talking about.  It means I can go out with Cara and Daunt without getting the third degree when I return. It means I can choose my own friends, and have a couple of hours a couple of times a week all to myself. This may not seem like a big deal to many of you, but I have had to lie or sneak around to get any of these for the last 23 years.

So far, the result has been that our marriage is actually better than it was before.

The most surprising change?  Our sex life. We have had sex on 11 of the last 13 nights. And not just sex, but really great sex! It seems that the idea of competition has caused Hubby to shift into high gear in the bedroom. If I had known this would happen, I would have 'fessed up much sooner. I expect it to cool down at some point, but it's really nice right now. I plan to enjoy it as long as I can.

Where do we go from here?  Who knows?  What matters is that we're still together, we love each other, and we're walking through it together.

'Fessing Up

I just did something that I thought I would never do.

I just confessed my infidelities to my husband.

Well, some of them.

Here's what happened. He was digging through some records and he was about to discover one of the affairs.  Seriously, he was probably only an hour or two away from knowing, so I had a choice - Keep lying and make up another excuse or just tell him the truth.

He has been suspicious for a while.  Once he found the hotel payment records for a local hotel, he'd know.  I could have tried to lie and make up an explanation, but my husband is not that stupid. I am only attracted to smart men, remember? It would have been just too demeaning and insulting to him to make up another lame excuse that he knew was a lie. And, frankly, I have grown pretty tired of lying to the man I have loved for almost 25 years.

So I told him.

At first, he didn't say anything.  He just stared at me. He asked a question or two.  I answered them honestly. He asked if I was still seeing him. I replied, "One of them."

Hubby: There's more than one???

Kat: Yes.

Hubby: Does that one know you are telling me?

Kat: No, not yet.

Hubby: So he doesn't know you're breaking it off with him yet?

Kat: No, but I didn't say I was breaking it off with him.  You and I haven't gotten that far yet.

Hubby: So, you're still planning to see him again.

Kat: That depends.

Hubby: On what?

Kat: You.

And that's where the negotiations began.  What do I want from our marriage?  What does he want?  Could our marriage survive an open marriage relationship?

Surprisingly, he didn't ask any of the questions I was expecting, like how did we meet, how long has it been going on, etc. I think he was in shock. I expect that some of those will come as he processes things a bit more.

The conversation between us is not over yet, but we did agree on a few things - We love each other, we love our family, and we will not be splitting up over this or anything else.

The question is.... Can I give up prowling?  Will I?

What do you think?

Honesty and Marriage

Generally speaking, I have been a proponent of being honest with your spouse about just about everything. I say "generally speaking" because most of you know that I have not shared my prowling activities with my husband, and I'm not going to.

Why not? I haven't held back because I'm afraid he'd leave me.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't.  I haven't told him because I know it would hurt him, and that's something I never want to do.

I know some of my pro-fidelity readers/stalkers are thinking, "Well, Kat, if you weren't prowling, then you wouldn't have to hurt him or lie to him." Yes, yes, that's true, but then I would be miserable and frustrated. 

But I'm not trying to defend prowling here. I'm talking about the layers of honesty in a marriage.

I decided a while ago to tell Hubby about my friendship with DauntlessD.  I was really tired of keeping it a secret when there really was no reason that Hubby couldn't know. After I told him, I felt a great sense of relief.  I didn't have to lie about it anymore, and it just felt wrong keeping such an important relationship in my life a secret from my husband.

Well, the relief I felt in the beginning has been replaced with regret. My husband has become very jealous of my relationship with Daunt, even though it's not a sexual relationship. We're working through it and I'm sure we'll find a way to make it work, but it made me think about honesty in a marriage.

Lots of couples tell each other little lies so they don't hurt each other and, sometimes, just to keep the peace.  "Yes, dear, you look great in that dress." "Of course I don't mind if you go play poker with the guys until 2:00 am." "Mmmm....yes....I came twice. That was so good...."

Then there are the lies we tell that are part of a "training" behavior.  If my husband cleans the bathroom, no matter how poorly he does it, I am not going to tell him he did a crappy job because then he'll never want to do it again.  Instead, I'll say, "Honey, the bathroom looks great! Thank you!"  Then I follow that up as quickly as possible with sex.  That's how you get a man to do just about anything you want. He'll be cleaning that bathroom several times a week and, with all that practice, he'll get pretty good at it, and eventually you will be able to honestly say that he did a great job. That's Husband Training 101.

Oops, I hope I didn't give away any wifely secrets. Every now and then I read one of the popular married man game blogs where advice is given to men on how to get their wives to want to have sex with them. It makes me chuckle because most men are amateurs compared to most women when it comes to marital behavior modification.  But I digress.....

I was talking about honesty.....

I thought that little lies were ok (like the examples I just gave), but something as big as a friendship with someone should be shared. 

I don't believe that any more. Some men just can't imagine that a man could be friends with a woman without trying to get sex. I have learned recently that my husband is one of those men. I know that he gets it honestly, though, because he can't have a relationship with a woman that doesn't turn sexual, so he can't imagine that it's possible at all. And it's making him crazy jealous.

Unfortunately, telling a spouse something that you had been keeping secret for months is a bell you can't un-ring. So, I'm stuck with the fallout for now.

I shared with a friend recently what happened and that I had learned that you just can't be honest with a spouse about things like that, his reply was, "Yeah, stupid." Huh.  Apparently men have known this forever and it was only new for me.

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