The Fuck Buddy Discovery

I took my son to an activity last night and when I got there I realized that I had left my cell phone at home. I couldn't go home to get it because I was leading the activity and 10 other boys were showing up, so I was stuck.

For the next hour and a half, I didn't think anything of it.  When I got home, there was my phone, right where I'd left it, plugged into the charger.  Great, right?

Not so fast.

Hubby wasn't speaking to me...at all. When he finally did speak to me as we were going to bed, it was to kick off the inquisition - Why hadn't I wanted sex for the last 48 hours?  Had I been getting it somewhere else? Was I no longer attracted to him because he was old?

The tone of his questions became angrier and angrier, until he finally screamed, "So, do you want to have sex now?!"

Normally, I would refuse under these circumstances because that's not exactly a romantic proposal, but he had me a bit annoyed so decided to call his bluff. I pulled off my nightie and said "Sure, sounds great!"

He hemmed and hawed, but what man wouldn't take advantage of that situation?

The sex was better than average, more passionate. When it was over, he rolled over and went to sleep.

I took advantage of the opportunity to check my phone and see what he might have seen.  I started with my text messages. I scrolled through several that were just friendly texts.  No problem.

Then I saw the one from Single Guy. Ugh. That little exchange didn't seem as dirty at the time we had it as it did now. And then there was the string of texts talking about arranging to meet. Sigh. This was bad.

I continued my search through the phone and that was all that was there that was incriminating.  I usually deleted things like I should.  I have no excuse for why I didn't do so with Single Guy's texts. I deleted them right then. I know that's kind of like closing the barn door after the cows have all escaped, but what else could I do?

In the morning, he was still crabby and not speaking to me. The only way through it was to take it on directly, so I asked, "Is there a reason why you decided to go through my phone last night?" I decided to dispense with the whole, "Why are you so upset, Dear?" routine. We both knew why.

He was shocked. After a moment of silence, he replied, "How do you know I did that?"

"Your behavior," I responded.

Then he started telling me what he saw, and he asked more questions.  Who is this guy?  Was I really going to see him? And have been seeing JJ lately?  How many "Fuck Friends" did I have? And on and on and on.

I wanted to correct him and say, "The correct term is "Fuck Buddy," but I thought it might be the wrong time. Timing is everything, ya know.

I tried to answer his questions as directly and honestly as I could. It progressed into a long discussion, a progression of the one we had almost two years ago.  I didn't use the words "Open Marriage" this time, but I told him it would be ok with me if he wanted play with another woman, and it would be great if we could just tell each other about it and be honest.

He's skeptical, although he did say he'd be ok with me inviting another woman in for a threesome.  That's progress, right?

We talked a lot more and things are going to be ok. However, I'm pretty sure I'll be on lock down for a while....again. He'll monitor my comings and goings and he'll eye me suspiciously whenever I text anyone. And if we go more than two days without having sex, he'll accuse me of getting it elsewhere.

Things will eventually settle down because, in spite of all the distractions, he knows I love him and I don't want to spend my life with anyone else.

Revelation

I had an interesting revelation yesterday, or maybe it was more of an epiphany. Here's what happened....

I had just left a wonderful lunch with a special friend (a PWK reader, as a matter of fact), let's call him Fantasy Guy.  I'm sure you'll read more about him later. Anyway,  I got a text message from R, someone I had met on on AM.  R and I have texted and spoken on the phone, but we hadn't met. We had been trying to get together for weeks, but our busy schedules just never aligned. In fact, it seemed like every "conversation" was about trying to schedule something.

So yesterday, as I was chatting with R on the phone as I drove back from my visit with Fantasy Guy, it looked like we were actually going to be able to do it.  I had an appointment in the late afternoon, but after that we could meet. We arranged a time and a location. It was all set.

That's when the revelation hit.

I didn't want to.

At first, I felt it physically or, to be more accurate, I didn't feel anything. Nothing. It was weird. I'm used to having a physical response if I know I'm going to meet someone for a roll in the hay.  You know what I mean, don't you? But there was nothing.

As I was thinking about that, the revelation deepened. I didn't know this guy.  I had no feelings for this guy. We had "communicated" a lot in the past few weeks, but except for our first phone call, every conversation we had was about trying to arrange a get together.

It became very clear to me that a sexual encounter with a stranger was not what I wanted. Not at all.

I've been saying I was done with emotionless sex for awhile, but that had been an intellectual decision, a choice to go for something more in my life. Turning it down had been a struggle.  Why?  Because I love sex!

But yesterday was different.  I really didn't want it. Maybe it was the realization that I simply didn't know this guy.  Maybe it was because I was on a high from a great (non-sexual) time with Fantasy Guy. Maybe it's because someone else is on my heart. Until yesterday, turning down a good old sex hookup was sort of like saying "No, thank you" to a piece of delicious cake because you're on a diet.  You really want it, but you know you shouldn't, so you pass it up. Yesterday, it was like turning down the cake because you just didn't want any cake.

I simply didn't want any cake.

Whoa!!!!  That's new for me.  I always want cake...uh, I mean, sex. But not yesterday.  Not that kind of sex.

So, I got back to R and cancelled. I apologized.  I tried very hard to explain that I didn't want sex with a stranger.  I wanted a relationship, a friendship. I suspect I won't hear from him again. I can live with that.

After I cancelled, I felt relieved. I realized that I have been auto-pilot for a long time. If an opportunity for sex came up with someone I liked, there was no reason not to go for it, unless I was on a sex "diet" while I was seeing someone else or simply too busy with work.

Yesterday, I was not on auto-pilot. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically present at the wheel, and I walked away from what likely would have been some fantastic sex. No, not just likely.  It would have been great.

So, here I am in new territory, but I'm comfortable. I'm content.

Does this mean I'll never have casual sex again? Uh, I doubt it, but I really have no idea.  It does mean, though, that I have no intention of having any in the foreseeable future.

It's a new day in the life of this naughty Kat......

10 Tips for Three-Way Sex

It's just about every man's fantasy - having sex with two women at the same time. Extra points if they're twins, right? You've finally talked your wife/lover/girlfriend into it. What could possibly go wrong?

A lot.

It's not as simple as it sounds. There are technical issues to be considered. Women can easily accommodate two cocks at the same time, but men only have one dick...and it can only go in one soft, tight warm place at a time. And there are emotional issues. Seriously, it can be an emotional minefield.

I'm not going to tackle the technical issues here. The porn industry has done that for us. I'll focus on the emotional and relationship issues since those are the ones that cause all the problems.

Since I've had the pleasure of enjoying more than a few three-ways over my lifetime, I thought I'd share some tips to help you get it right. There are variations to the 3-way theme, of course - two women and one man, two men and one woman, three women, etc.  Most of my suggestions will apply to most situations, so I'm going to focus on fmf, two women and one man, the subject of thousands of porn movies and millions of wet dreams.

1. Talk about it beforehand. Discuss with your lover how you would like it to go.  Discuss any limits you have for playing with a third.  Are you ok with him kissing her? Will you be ok if she doesn't want you to have vaginal intercourse with your new friend? What makes you nervous about the idea?  Do you both feel comfortable with it?
2. Expect the unexpected. No matter how well you may have planned it, something will not go as you expected. Maybe one of you wants to stop and leave in the middle of it or maybe you (speaking to the men, here) can't "perform." Ladies, what if your lover gets so into the other gal that he completely ignores you? Seriously, these things happen. Have a plan for them.  Know what you'll do so you don't end up in a panic.
3. Remember that emotions are unpredictable. Your partner may be telling you that she's fine with it, that she is really excited about it, that's she's looking forward to it, and all of that is probably true, but it doesn't mean that she won't become an emotional mess as soon as things get started. I am assuming here that you and your partner have a romantic or love relationship.  If you're just fuck buddies, go for it! By the way, guys, sometime you think it's a fuck buddy relationship and she thinks it's more. Just a heads up. But as I was saying, the reality of seeing someone you love having sex (or deeply kissing, or...or...or...) someone else can be very hard to take, even if you agreed to it. The first time I tried a 3-way with Hubby was a disaster. I had already been part of several before then, so neither of us expected that there would be a problem. However, the second I saw him kiss her, I burst into tears. I experienced an eruption of emotion that overtook me completely out of the blue. To his credit, Hubby called a halt to everything and he and I left, which is exactly the right response to the situation. If he had kept going, hoping I would get comfortable with it eventually, I would have had to leave. And it wouldn't have been pretty when he got home later. 
4. Be prepared for even the most confident woman/man to experience some insecurity.  I've known some absolutely gorgeous and sexually free women who avoid 3-ways because of their own body issues.  And if porn-film-body women have body image issues, you can be certain than the rest of us do, too. And this isn't just a female issue. Men worry about the other guy having a bigger cock or perfect six pack abs or...or...or.... Until you all get to know each other and are comfortable with each other, body image issues will be "the elephant in the room."  Handle this upfront by reassuring your partner (Oh, Baby, I *love* your tits, etc.) during the act.
5. Focus more on your partner than the third player.  Men, this means you should focus three times more on your partner than the other woman.  Otherwise, she will perceive it as you giving all the attention to the other woman. Women, you need to give your partner at least twice the attention you give to the other man. Three-ways that go bad usually go bad because of this issue - the woman feels that she's being ignored. Not only will it piss her off, but it will light a match to every insecurity she's ever had and an emotional eruption is likely, either right then and there or later.
6. Guys, show some discipline. I know you're excited.  I know this is a dream come true.  Yes, maybe your new playmate has a much better body than your partner and all you want to do is play with that sweet fresh pussy all night, but show a little bit of discipline and focus on your partner. It will pay off. Besides, it's just polite.
7. Focus on comfort in the beginning, then pleasure.  Gentlemen, here's a hint to help you navigate the emotional rapids I've just described. Spend the first half of your time together focusing on your partner. That doesn't mean ignore the other person, of course, but devote most of your attention to your partner.  Make sure she has a really, really good time. Make sure she has no doubt in her mind at that moment that you care about her very much. Once she feels secure, she will probably direct you to play with the other woman or she will encourage your activity in that direction. 
8. Take your time. Unless it's a mutual masturbation session, it's going to take longer for three people to be satisfied than for two. Don't rush it. It's supposed to be fun and pleasurable. Enjoy the foreplay. Enjoy watching your partner and the other person play with each other. This doesn't happen every day, ya know! Savor the moment.
9. Debrief afterward. After it's all over, the third party has left, and you and your partner both have your clothes on, talk about how it went.  What worked for each of you and what didn't?  Check in with her about how she is feeling. Don't just assume it was great for her.  Be honest about what you would like to do differently next time (if there is a next time). Most importantly.......
10. Be Grateful. The reality is that most women will not be interested in having a 3-way with you, Gentlemen.  It's not because they are not interested or curious, but because of the body image and emotional security issues I mentioned above. If you are in a romantic relationship with a woman who is willing to try it with you - even once - you are very fortunate. Women like that are rare. Be sure you say "thank you" and that you demonstrate your gratitude to her in whatever way is appropriate given the parameters of your relationship. 

After the disastrous first try at 3-way that Hubby and I had, we talked about it and tried again.  That time we set some rules (no kissing her, etc.) and it went better.  I was still an emotional wreck afterwards, but at least I made it through. Eventually, I became secure enough  that he wasn't going to leave me for one of those other women that I was ok with it. None of it was logical or rational, but that didn't matter.  Emotions are what they are. At another time we played with one of his friends (a man) and he (Hubby) made the rule that the other guy wouldn't be allowed to fuck me. Yeah, men have their issues, too.

The reality of a 3-way rarely lives up to the fantasy, but that doesn't mean it can't be great. It just means that you should moderate your expectations, go with the flow, and be prepared for the unexpected.

My First Fuck Buddy

I was in college at the time. I'd had boyfriends and a couple affairs with married men by the time I met the guy who was to be my first fuck buddy.  His name was Ben.

I met Ben at a party. It started like it always did, with some guy swaggering up to me and asking if he could get me a drink. This one was cute, though.  And he was a baseball player, there on a baseball scholarship, no less, and you know how I feel about baseball. We talked.  We drank. We kissed.  We drank some more. Then we went back to his place and fucked for several hours. He had a very nice body - not a Pablo Sandoval body, but more of an Aubrey Huff body. Lean, muscular.

Anyway, after coming and fucking a few times, I got up started getting my clothes.  He asked me where I was going and I told him I was heading back to my room.  I thanked him politely for a nice time, etc., and then he asked me to stay the night.  I was horrified. Stay the night? Nooooooooo.  I explained that I never stay the night. That sort of intimacy was reserved for someone I really cared about or loved. The look he gave me as I was leaving was the first sign I had that I was different than "normal women." It was about the sex for me, not the cuddling or the pillow talk.

Before I go on, I need to tell you that the sex was good, very good.  No, it was great! The stamina of a 19 year old is hard to beat. And he responded to direction well...and learned quickly.

He called the next week and asked me out.  When he showed up at my dorm to pick me up, he suggested dinner, a movie, and then maybe some fun like we had the previous week. Sounded good to me. That was to be our first, and last, date.

The next week, he called and invited me over for the fun part.  Great.  We were fuck buddies for two years. I had a couple of different boyfriends in that time, and he had more than a few girlfriends, but through them all, we still connected once or twice a week for "fun." We had very little contact in-between play sessions (except for long talks about baseball after games when I'd tell him things I noticed about his play or that of his teammates), but our "arrangement" was common knowledge among both of our sets of friends. Friends of mine would run up to me every now then, very concerned about me as they told me they had seen him flirting with some other gal, and they seemed very confused when I wasn't bothered by it at all. His friends would report to him when they'd see me kissing some other guy at a party. He wasn't surprised or annoyed by that information, either. I considered it to be the perfect fuck buddy arrangement.

Then things started to change. All of a sudden, he asked me if I could keep my flirting more private so his friends wouldn't see.  Then he told me he didn't care if I fucked other guys, but he asked if I could please do it in secret because his friends were giving him a bad time about it. WTF?! I didn't agree to that.  He got mad.  It looked like our arrangement was going to end.  But it didn't.

What happened several months later, though, ended it for good.  Sort of.

His best friend was visiting from another state and he brought him over to my room to meet me.  I have a feeling that his friend wanted to know if I really existed. Ben was already pretty drunk when they arrived. We hung out for a while drinking and ......well.......using some other chemicals that were popular in the early-80's. Within 30 minutes, Ben passed out on my bed. His friend and I kept talking, and drinking, and you know what happened.  One thing led to another and the next thing I know, we were both naked on my roommate's bed and I was riding him like I hadn't had sex for a l-o-n-g time - with arousal that was enhanced, I'm sure, by that popular early-80's substance.

It was fantastic sex. It was amazing sex. It was noisy sex.

Ben never stirred.

We got dressed and curled up on my roommates bed and fell asleep.

We woke up the next morning and they left. Everything was fine.

Three days later, Ben came bursting into my room, deliriously angry.

"Did you really fuck my best friend when I was asleep in the bed right next to you?!"

I knew it wasn't time to lie or to make light of things, even though I really wanted to say, "Yeah, and I also gave him head and tongue-fucked his ass, too."  But I was scared.  I had never seen him like that before.

"Yes," I said quietly.

He sat down right next to me and continued, "And then you slept with him....all night?" That's when I saw the tears in his eyes.

Oh my god.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I didn't realize....I thought you wouldn't care."

He stood up, and threw the chair he was sitting in across the room. The he yelled, "You are so stupid!"

And he left.

I was stunned. We had been fuck buddies for about two years.  The arrangement had never changed from what it was at the beginning - at least not from my perspective.  Sure, I thought his recent request that I not be seen with other guys in public was a bit strange, but he said that was all about his friends giving him grief. I was confused. I tried to talk it over with my current boyfriend, and let's just say that didn't go over very well at all.

I didn't hear from Ben at all for a couple of weeks, and I didn't see him around school, either. I was sad. I missed him, but I wasn't broken up about it.

Then he called and asked if I could come over. I got to his place and we sat down to talk.  He apologized for his violent outburst in my room. He acknowledged that he should have told me that his friend was off limits.  He asked if we could forget that any of it happened and just go back to the way things were. I was all for it.

We started fooling around, though, and it was clear that something was different. He was gentler, the sex was much less raw. It felt like making love rather than fucking and then, in the middle of the act, he said it.

"I love you, Kat."

Shit.

I didn't answer, but we kept fooling around for a long time.  After, I started to get up, but he grabbed my arm and asked me to stay.

Double shit.

I stayed.  As I drifted off to sleep, I knew that we were done.

After that school year, I got married and changed schools. I came back to see some friends and later that night as I was about to leave, I saw him. He stopped the car and called me over.  We sat in his car talking for a couple of hours. He asked if we could fool around one more time, "for old times' sake," but I was newly married and not interested in having sex with anyone without Hubby's consent.

I got out of the car and watched him drive away. I was sad, but I glad that we'd had the chance to talk. This felt like closure - finally.

Looking back, I realize how naive I was to believe that a sexual relationship as intense as that one could go on for two years without one of us developing an emotional attachment. I used to think that something was wrong with him. Weren't guys supposed to be the ones who had sex without caring? But after a few years of therapy, I learned that I was the one who was broken, not him. There was a reason why sex and love were (and are) completely separate for me, and it's not a good thing.  It's not a normal thing. If I hadn't been so fucked up, Ben and I would have ended up as boyfriend-girlfriend. We had so much in common.  We got along great. Maybe he and I would have married.  Who knows?

I have wanted to apologize to Ben for years now. I wouldn't be apologizing for the sex because that was fantastic, but for the way I handled it when he started developing feelings for me. I want to apologize for making him feel like he had done something wrong, like there was something wrong with him, when in reality it was me. He knew something was wrong with my reaction, but he couldn't name it.  It was just his intuitive sense of knowing that I was not responding like a normal person should. And I had no clue about how badly I was broken.

Now, decades later, I still miss him.

10 Tips for Being a Good Fuck Buddy

There are many different kinds of relationships and none of them are simple.

I've had lots of men tell me (and write to me) that they are looking for a fuck buddy with no strings attached (NSA). The first thing I think is that they are deluding themselves. Unless you are with a prostitute (and one might argue that the money is the string in that "relationship") there is no such thing as "no strings attached." When you are dealing with people, there are always strings. The only questions are: how strong is the string and how far does it reach?


What they are really saying is that they want things to be simple and they don't want a commitment. But the women they want to fuck all seem to want something different than that - something more.  And the women who are willing to agree to what they want are either not the women they want to fuck or change their mind after a few play sessions and then they want - something more.

Let me put this in other words that may be easier to understand. They want the phone, but not the two year contract. Unfortunately, they are having a hard time finding a cell provider that won't require a two year contract, and when they do, the phones that are available with no contract are not the phones they want. The cool smart phones they want all come with a higher level of service and a two year contract.

For gosh sake, they yell, I just wanna make a few friggin' calls without signing my life away!


I feel your pain, and like I said, there is no such thing as a simple relationship, not even a fuck buddy relationship. You have the best chance of success, though, if you follow a few simple guidelines.  Being a good fuck buddy increases the likelihood that your fuck buddy relationship will work.

1. Be completely upfront about what you want. This is probably the most important thing to remember.  Don't give the impression that you might consider more if you don't want more of an emotional relationship.  You may find this hard to do because you suspect that if you fudge just a little, it'll be easier to get into her pants.  That's true, but you'll be in for trouble later. Tell the truth. And then.....
2. Be nice about it......don't be a jerk. Let me illustrate. I met a man on Ashley Madison.  In our email correspondence, things looked good - very good.  We met for lunch.  It was nice, but he decided I wasn't his cup of tea. No problem. We decide, though, to continue the friendship because we actually liked each other and got along well. Then he couldn't help himself.  He had to say something about that we could have sex if I wanted but it would be only sex, nothing more. Huh? I said, "No, thanks" because we had already agreed on a friendship with no physical component. Did he need to say that? The first rejection was enough, thank you very much.  I really didn't need the offer of pity sex (as long as I understood that it would be only sex). Don't do that. Don't be a jerk. The interesting thing is that we became friends and our relationship became closer than it would have been if we had just opted for fuck buddy status.  Go figure.
3. Be specific. Saying that you only want sex and nothing more is just stupid because we all define things different.  Saying that you don't want a relationship isn't clear because if you are having any contact with someone more than once, it's a relationship. Do you want to see each other in-between play sessions? What are your and her expectations for communication in-between play sessions? How much advance notice will you give each other before a meeting? Where will you meet and who's responsible for any costs (hotel rooms, etc.)? Are you ok with her having multiple fuck buddies?  What does she expect in that regard? 
4. If the nature of the relationship changes, tell your partner immediately. If you're starting to feel more attached than you agreed you would be, speak up. Your buddy may be fine with that, but maybe not. If you start to feel jealous of her other playmates or her husband, that's a good sign tat you have moved beyond being a casual fuck buddy.
5. Take your partner at his word...sometimes.  This advice goes for everyone, but especially for women. If he says he doesn't want a love relationship, accept that or get out.  Please don't think that you can change him and convince him to love you because you're....special. The odds are very, very slim that he'll change, and you'll end up hurt. However, no matter what is said.....
6. Go with your gut. This goes for everyone, but especially for men. If your prospective fuck buddy is saying all of the right things, but it just doesn't feel right, walk away. Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, women often say one thing and mean another. Before I get hate mail from all the women out there, let me quickly add that men do it, too.  Women usually do it out of hope that deeper feelings will develop.  Men typically do it because they don't know what they're feeling.
7. Don't treat your partner like your on-call whore. I had a fuck buddy once who never communicated with me at all except when he wanted to fuck.  I'd get a text, "Hey, can you come over for an hour today?" If I said that I was busy, he'd be mad. He genuinely thought that our arrangement meant that I should drop everything and come to service him when he called. Needless to say, that was a very, very short "relationship."
8. Don't expect hearts and flowers and gifts. The fuck buddy relationship is the only male-female relationship that really is about one thing, and one thing only - mutual sexual gratification.  If the relationship grows and becomes a friendship, you're not true fuck buddies anymore, you're "friends with benefits." As mentioned above, you should be clear about this upfront.  If one of you thinks you're fuck buddies and one of your thinks you're friends or lovers. You could end up like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky (see below). You shouldn't expect birthday gifts and flowers from your fuck buddy, although I once asked for a new vibrator as a birthday gift from one of mine. He was only too happy to oblige. ;-)
9. Don't share all your private information with a fuck buddy. If it really is a fuck buddy relationship, all the other person needs is enough information about you to feel safe. If you share too much, you could be giving an angry ex-fuck buddy ammunition to hurt you later when her feelings deepen and yours don't. If it's truly just about sex, she won't mind that she doesn't know where your parents live, your best friend's phone number, and where your wife works. Heck, trust me, if it's truly about sex, she won't want to know those things.
10. Don't be selfish in bed. Just because you don't have to buy her dinner doesn't mean you don't have to make her come. As much as you want to believe it's all about your gratification, it's about her's, too.  In fact, the best way to keep things going is to make sure she's satisfied and wants to come back for more. Let's be honest. There are a lot more prospective male fuck buddies out there than there are prospective female fuck buddies. If you don't take the time to satisfy her, she'll find someone else. Why not?  She has no emotional attachment to you. When a woman loves you, you can be a selfish jerk in bed and she'll stay (for awhile, at least).  In a true fuck buddy relationship, you have to put out to keep her.

I love this clip from Vanilla Sky with Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz. It's a classic example of what can go wrong when one person thinks it's a fuck buddy relationship and the other thinks it's love. Some thoughts to ponder:

In this clip, Cameron Diaz says, "I swallowed your cum!  That means something!" She goes on to say that your body makes commitments that you don't have to speak out loud. Poor Tom.  No wonder he's confused. He thinks she's crazy, which is true, but not in the way he thinks. It's not uncommon for some women to believe that great sex means there is something of an emotional connection, even when there isn't. Why? Because we want that connection whether we want to want it or not.  That's how we're wired.

But let me be clear just in case you were wondering - swallowing cum is not a commitment.  Coming four times is not love.

Simple Endearing Actions

My last post was about my Top 9 Prowling Pet Peeves. As I was writing it, I started remembering some of the really sweet things some of my prowling buddies have done that endeared them to me. I thought I'd share some of them with you. Maybe you'll pick up something you can use.

• Showing up for a "meeting" with a Starbucks for me (yes, he knew and remembered my favorite)
• Sending me sweet and random text messages throughout the day
• Continuing to send emails even though we also chatted and texted - just so we could continue to get to know each other on a deeper level
• Changing the plan for our "meeting" when he knew I'd had a particularly rough day
• Touching base in some way every day, no matter what
• Whispering sweet nothings in my ear (I love that!)
• Being tender and sweet sometimes (Yes, this Kat usually likes it hard and rough, but sometimes tender and sweet is just right)
• Showing interest in my life outside of the bedroom
• Following my favorite baseball team because he knew it mattered to me
• Surprising me with unexpected availability, and wanting to spend it with me whether or not we had sex (although I usually prefer the sex)
• Sharing his feelings with me, whatever they are
• Meeting me for lunch from time to time, just to catch up
• Letting down his guard and trusting me with things that are bothering him
• Being both a friend and a lover
• Reading the same book I'm reading (without my prompting) just so we can discuss it with each other

Now, none of these things are "required" for an affair, but I find them very endearing. These are some of the things that build a relationship that goes beyond just being a random fuck buddy (although I'll admit, that can be fun, too).

More than once I have told you that if you treat your partner right and make her happy, she will want to make you happy, too. It's a simple formula of give and take. It works for an affair. It works for a marriage.

Give it a try.