Thursday, February 21, 2013

Revelation

I had an interesting revelation yesterday, or maybe it was more of an epiphany. Here's what happened....

I had just left a wonderful lunch with a special friend (a PWK reader, as a matter of fact), let's call him Fantasy Guy.  I'm sure you'll read more about him later. Anyway,  I got a text message from R, someone I had met on on AM.  R and I have texted and spoken on the phone, but we hadn't met. We had been trying to get together for weeks, but our busy schedules just never aligned. In fact, it seemed like every "conversation" was about trying to schedule something.

So yesterday, as I was chatting with R on the phone as I drove back from my visit with Fantasy Guy, it looked like we were actually going to be able to do it.  I had an appointment in the late afternoon, but after that we could meet. We arranged a time and a location. It was all set.

That's when the revelation hit.

I didn't want to.

At first, I felt it physically or, to be more accurate, I didn't feel anything. Nothing. It was weird. I'm used to having a physical response if I know I'm going to meet someone for a roll in the hay.  You know what I mean, don't you? But there was nothing.

As I was thinking about that, the revelation deepened. I didn't know this guy.  I had no feelings for this guy. We had "communicated" a lot in the past few weeks, but except for our first phone call, every conversation we had was about trying to arrange a get together.

It became very clear to me that a sexual encounter with a stranger was not what I wanted. Not at all.

I've been saying I was done with emotionless sex for awhile, but that had been an intellectual decision, a choice to go for something more in my life. Turning it down had been a struggle.  Why?  Because I love sex!

But yesterday was different.  I really didn't want it. Maybe it was the realization that I simply didn't know this guy.  Maybe it was because I was on a high from a great (non-sexual) time with Fantasy Guy. Maybe it's because someone else is on my heart. Until yesterday, turning down a good old sex hookup was sort of like saying "No, thank you" to a piece of delicious cake because you're on a diet.  You really want it, but you know you shouldn't, so you pass it up. Yesterday, it was like turning down the cake because you just didn't want any cake.

I simply didn't want any cake.

Whoa!!!!  That's new for me.  I always want cake...uh, I mean, sex. But not yesterday.  Not that kind of sex.

So, I got back to R and cancelled. I apologized.  I tried very hard to explain that I didn't want sex with a stranger.  I wanted a relationship, a friendship. I suspect I won't hear from him again. I can live with that.

After I cancelled, I felt relieved. I realized that I have been auto-pilot for a long time. If an opportunity for sex came up with someone I liked, there was no reason not to go for it, unless I was on a sex "diet" while I was seeing someone else or simply too busy with work.

Yesterday, I was not on auto-pilot. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically present at the wheel, and I walked away from what likely would have been some fantastic sex. No, not just likely.  It would have been great.

So, here I am in new territory, but I'm comfortable. I'm content.

Does this mean I'll never have casual sex again? Uh, I doubt it, but I really have no idea.  It does mean, though, that I have no intention of having any in the foreseeable future.

It's a new day in the life of this naughty Kat......

7 comments:

Clem said...

Very much a revelation. After my experiences, I can relate.
It's been nearly 2 years now, and yes, I want more than the 'just sex' part. At my age now, this is proving to be a much more difficult search process.
I hear you.
So, yes, I'm frustrated, but my search continues...

Jack Bader said...

Interesting perspective. I would categorize this more as an epiphany, which I have all the time. I would wager a guess that the feelings will pass, but at least enjoy what you have right now.

I am not much of a religious person or even believe much in fate, but sometimes there are reasons for those feelings, and you wont always know what they are.

Ryan Beaumont said...

I always say do what makes you breath a sign of relief after you do it. That means it came from your gut. Doesn't mean you avoid hard decisions but you make decisions based on your core.

All About Love And Sex said...

It's a sign of growing up. You just want something more stable. Different period of life determines different sets of needs. This is normal.

~McKPR said...

Once again another insightful and impeccably timed post...the man I call my "JJ" has been so busy as of late w work and additional family things that our interactions are limited and almost perfunctory....

even when you know your lover is focused exactly where they need to be, and as the lover on the side you are never the priority, it doesn't make it hurt any less. The fact that we are a very long distance (Seattle. NYC) and infrequent (maybe every 8-12 weeks for 1-2 hours if lucky) makes the connection that much more important to me. Whereas he is the master at compartmentalization, I'm not, I'm all about connection.

Someone from a past AM meet & greet pinged me recently chatting, emailing and then he asked to meet. I'm lonely, dealing w a health issue, working more than ever, hornier than all get out and hubby is still on the not interested in sex with me kick and yet there was no hesitation in my decline. Not even for that pure physical release or human contact...it would just be sex. Sex without connection and I'm just not interested. Like you, part of it is likely because my heart & my lustful desires are elsewhere but really it's because now that I know and have experienced sex with mutual desire, intimacy and connection I'm not interested in anything less. Guess I better stock up on rechargeable batteries when I hit Costco later. Thanks for another relevant post that resonates with me...

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