I had an interesting revelation yesterday, or maybe it was more of an epiphany. Here's what happened....
I had just left a wonderful lunch with a special friend (a PWK reader, as a matter of fact), let's call him Fantasy Guy. I'm sure you'll read more about him later. Anyway, I got a text message from R, someone I had met on on AM. R and I have texted and spoken on the phone, but we hadn't met. We had been trying to get together for weeks, but our busy schedules just never aligned. In fact, it seemed like every "conversation" was about trying to schedule something.
So yesterday, as I was chatting with R on the phone as I drove back from my visit with Fantasy Guy, it looked like we were actually going to be able to do it. I had an appointment in the late afternoon, but after that we could meet. We arranged a time and a location. It was all set.
That's when the revelation hit.
I didn't want to.
At first, I felt it physically or, to be more accurate, I didn't feel anything. Nothing. It was weird. I'm used to having a physical response if I know I'm going to meet someone for a roll in the hay. You know what I mean, don't you? But there was nothing.
As I was thinking about that, the revelation deepened. I didn't know this guy. I had no feelings for this guy. We had "communicated" a lot in the past few weeks, but except for our first phone call, every conversation we had was about trying to arrange a get together.
It became very clear to me that a sexual encounter with a stranger was not what I wanted. Not at all.
I've been saying I was done with emotionless sex for awhile, but that had been an intellectual decision, a choice to go for something more in my life. Turning it down had been a struggle. Why? Because I love sex!
But yesterday was different. I really didn't want it. Maybe it was the realization that I simply didn't know this guy. Maybe it was because I was on a high from a great (non-sexual) time with Fantasy Guy. Maybe it's because someone else is on my heart. Until yesterday, turning down a good old sex hookup was sort of like saying "No, thank you" to a piece of delicious cake because you're on a diet. You really want it, but you know you shouldn't, so you pass it up. Yesterday, it was like turning down the cake because you just didn't want any cake.
I simply didn't want any cake.
Whoa!!!! That's new for me. I always want cake...uh, I mean, sex. But not yesterday. Not that kind of sex.
So, I got back to R and cancelled. I apologized. I tried very hard to explain that I didn't want sex with a stranger. I wanted a relationship, a friendship. I suspect I won't hear from him again. I can live with that.
After I cancelled, I felt relieved. I realized that I have been auto-pilot for a long time. If an opportunity for sex came up with someone I liked, there was no reason not to go for it, unless I was on a sex "diet" while I was seeing someone else or simply too busy with work.
Yesterday, I was not on auto-pilot. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically present at the wheel, and I walked away from what likely would have been some fantastic sex. No, not just likely. It would have been great.
So, here I am in new territory, but I'm comfortable. I'm content.
Does this mean I'll never have casual sex again? Uh, I doubt it, but I really have no idea. It does mean, though, that I have no intention of having any in the foreseeable future.
It's a new day in the life of this naughty Kat......