Monday, October 15, 2012

Where Is This Thing Going?

Affairs are different than other types of romantic relationships in several ways. Of course, there's the secrecy and the risk, but there's also a difference in the very nature of the relationship.

This is usually difficult for women to understand - and live with - but it seems to fit right into how men think.

Most romantic relationships seem to be headed somewhere - to living together, to marriage, to kids, to "happily ever after." Women get out of relationships that they don't think are going anywhere or that they don't think are progressing fast enough in the right direction.  Why?  We have a biological imperative tick-tick-ticking away. We need to lock in that husband/provider so we can start nesting. Ladies, please don't go all feminist on me.  I know that women have many choices nowadays, but biology is biology.

At the same time that women are trying to tie you down, Boys, you are feeling a biological imperative to spread your seed and resist the nesting, but you still want to lock your favorite mate into a nesting relationship. It's a paradox, but its' reality.

What about an affair, though? You both have your mates locked in.  The nest has been established.  The little birds are being cared for and well-fed. You don't want to rock the boat at home, but you want more. So, you find a partner and have an affair.

It's great at first.  After a while, however, the woman starts thinking, "where is this going" and how do I move it along? I think we women start to think that because we're programmed to think that.

Our lovers are very confused by that. "What do you mean, 'where is this going?' This is it!  This is great!" they reply. And they are exactly right.

It goes back to the fact that men are much more capable of living in the moment and enjoying the moment for what it is and women are always looking ahead and around us and planning and thinking.

There is nowhere for an affair to go, other than where it is. You have to embrace it for what it is and enjoy it for what it gives you in the moment - or get out.

If you're unhappy because you don't like the nature of the relationship - too much emotion, not enough emotion, whatever - just get out. An affair has to be appreciated for what it is, and it can be amazing.  Or it can be a constant reminder of what you don't have at home and what you're missing.

I know it can be disconcerting if you invest any emotion at all into a relationship to know that it's really not "going anywhere" and it could end at any moment. But that's also what makes it exciting to some degree, and it teaches you to truly live in the moment.  Enjoy this person on this day.

Abandon yourself to the experience.

If you can't do that, don't do it.


Ryan Beaumont said...

As is so often the case I am reminded of a quote:

“But this road doesn't go anywhere," I told him.
That doesn't matter."
What does?" I asked, after a little while.
Just that we're on it, dude," he said.”
― Bret Easton Ellis, Less Than Zero

Victoria Vista said...

I agree. For the sake of your sanity you have to see it for what it is and enjoy the moments while they still bring you both pleasure. When it starts to rock your life at home...then it's time to abandon the ship!

~ Vista