Monday, November 26, 2012

Is It Boring If It's Not "Kinky?"

I got an email from a reader recently telling me that my posts about sex with Hubby are boring. My first thought was, "You think the posts are boring? You should try having sex with the same man in the same way for 25 years!"

Clearly, that reader doesn't recognize the incredible writing skill involved in making boring marital sex sound hot.  Apparently, it's not hot for him.  Oh well.

But it got me thinking about something that has been on my mind lately. Sex with Hubby is pretty "normal" in my opinion, not very kinky. Is sex boring if it's not kinky sex?

Of course, that really depends on your definition of kinky.  For some people, anything that's not missionary position and virtually silent is kinky. For them, my sex with Hubby looks wild and crazy. For other people, though, anything that doesn't involve ropes, nipple clamps, and strap-ons is just dull, and it doesn't even start to get kinky until blood is drawn or someone is screaming in pain. For them, my sex with Hubby would bore them to tears.

And just because sex is kinky doesn't mean that it can't be boring, too. I've read some really boring kink blogs and some really boring BDSM erotica. I've looked a man in the eye and said, "Really?  You're going to tie me up that way again?" I didn't say that was a good idea, mind you, and the punishment it brought me taught me never to say it again, but I did say it once - and the punishment didn't make being tied up in the same way for the twentieth time any less boring.

But repetition doesn't always mean it's boring, either. For example, I don't know how many times JJ has fucked me in the ass since I met him, but it's a lot. Did it get boring?  Never!  And at least once every single time we've been together, he's fucked me doggy style from behind. That's pretty conventional, wouldn't you say?  Boring?  No way.

So, sexual boredom isn't just about novelty or frequency or how conventional (un-kinky) the sex is. I think it's about the expectations of the partners and the degree to which the change and grow together or apart. If two people really love silent missionary position sex, I mean really love it - and each other - it may never get boring for them. Someone who loves doing it doggy style may never get bored with that, even though being tied up does nothing for her.

If you're bored with the sex in your relationship, regardless of how kinky it is or isn't, it's your responsibility to change it.   Do something to make it more exciting for you or, if you must, go looking for something more exciting. But don't blame your partner. That's just not fair.  He or she is only half of the equation.

And to the reader who thinks my posts about sex with Hubby are boring, I say confidently, "Well, don't read them if they bore you.  Life is short. Go find some exciting kink to read if you that's what blows your skirt up. It is unlikely that Hubby and I are going to get any more exciting anytime soon."

5 comments:

Brigit Delaney said...

Ahhh, yes...it's an age-old problem: keeping the sex life fresh. It's sort of like a drug. A little bit now does the trick. But, then we need more to get the same feeling. I've often wondered if getting involved with "kink" would just lead me down a path to darker and kinkier places. Not that that's a bad thing. I like missionary sex...but I also like it a lot of other ways. I don't find any of it boring, unless it's the same EVERY time for too long. And BTW, I don't think any of your posts are boring.

Kat said...

Thanks, Brigit. I think you're right on about it being something like a drug, taking more and more kink to be satisfied - unless something breaks up the pattern.

Lola said...

You mind is your most erogenous zone - thoughts, and talking them out, during sex could be very unboring.

Seems like you've got a knack for words and thoughts, so, I'd imagine you have great "kinky" sex.

Bob Archer said...

First rule of the internet: Don't feed the trolls.

Personally, I find your blog to be both educational (seriously, I've learned a lot about sex and relationships) and sexy. As far as the latter point, I definitely want to fuck you, even though I have no idea what you look like (except from above, while you are wearing a SF Giants hat).

~McK said...

i am right there with you! while sex with my husband is very rare, and pretty much the same, it's still good sex with a man i love. and well to your point about JJ, while tom is more experienced and definitely schooled in bdsm/kink than i am, the sex i have with him is mind-blowing and fun and leaves me aching for me and you know what? my favorite way to be taken by him is doggie style, hard and deep. nothing boring about that!