It's not that I'm a writing snob, but when your only way of getting to know someone initially and determining if you want to meet them in person is in writing, it really helps if he can put two sentences together. Okay, maybe I am a writing snob. Whatever....
Anyway, Tall Guy wrote well, often, and prolifically. It didn't take very long at all for us to learn more and more about each other and to learn that we actually have some things in common that surprised me. By the end of January, even though I was thoroughly enjoying playtime with T, I was ready to meet him. But he wasn't ready to meet me.
I used to make the assumption that by the time someone signs up on AM, they are ready to pursue whatever they may find there. I learned that is not the case. There are many folks there who are just checking it out, some out of curiosity and others to see if they really could find someone there. Let me speak for the real AM hunters and say that the lookie-loos are annoying. Seriously, it's not fun to invest weeks in getting to know someone only to find out that he doesn't know what he wants or that he was just window shopping but he doesn't want to prowl. But that's exactly how it was with Tall Guy.
Let me pause here and tell you why I've named him Tall Guy. It should be very obvious, but for some of you (Ryan, Max, and whoever else may need assistance with their masks before I put on my own) I'll explain a bit more. He's tall. Very tall. Really, really tall. 6'10" to be specific. His height is emphasized even more because I'm so short - 5'4", well, actually 5'3".......until this morning when the doctor told me I was really 5'2" now. Yes, I am the incredible shrinking woman and Tall Guy towers over me.
But I digress....again.....
Tall Guy wasn't sure that he wanted to cheat, and you know my advice to anyone who's not sure - don't do it. So, I assumed that Tall Guy would never become a notch on my bedpost, but we continued to correspond anyway. Why? Because I liked him. Very much.
The months flew by - February, March. In March he started thinking he might like to get together. April - nothing. May - he decided he wanted to meet. I'll admit that I was nervous, mainly because I had put him in the "not gonna happen" category and I was very surprised when he jumped into the "let's meet once and see how it goes" category.
It went very well. The first thing I noticed when I walked in the room was that, even though I knew he was tall, he was really, really tall. He walked over to give me a hug and a kiss and I had to look straight up and stand on my tippy toes and he had to bend way over to make it happen. I chuckled to myself at the unusual situation and then I realized that there could very well be some logistical issues to address as the afternoon unfolded.
He took my hand and stepped over to the bed and sat down. Then we were almost eye level. Almost. And he kissed me again. That's when the magic happened. Wow. Sparks, fireworks, whatever you want to call it. And I was shocked. Jumping from "not gonna happen" to "let's meet once and see how it goes" is one thing, but leaping all the way over to "this could be serious" is crazy and it caught me off guard.
As I said, it went very well. It was a wonderful afternoon in just about every way. I'm not going to tell the sex story in this post, but never fear, I will soon. This post has another point entirely.
I left that meeting happy, very satisfied, and convinced that we were moving in a new direction together. I expected to hear something from him soon afterwards. Nothing. After sending him a message, he shared with me that he was feeling guilty and needed some time to work it out.
Then I got the "let's be friends" email. Not only was that the content, but that was definitely the feel of it as well. It was much more distant than what he had written to me recently.
"Hi Kat, I fear I may have hurt your feelings and if I have, I am very, very sorry. You are an intelligent, warm, and welcoming person and I am glad to have met you. I've enjoyed our chats and the friendship we built. I really hope that can continue. Also, I did enjoy our time together very much and am sorry my own issues have dampened that for you.I don't know what else to say … I sincerely hope I haven't hurt you. If I have, I am sorry."
Fuck. You know when someone calls you intelligent soon after fucking you it can't be good. At first I was confused. The encounter we had wasn't a friendly fuck. There was much more passion to it. There was more of everything that you would want. But, hoping that I could still save face, I wrote a very polite, albeit brief, reply:
"Thanks for your note. I appreciate your thoughts. I was hurt because it seemed like you regretted our meeting and seeing me. It made something really nice seem dirty. I'd like to continue our friendship, too. I have no regrets. I think you're an extraordinary man."
The message was very docile, but I was angry. I was angry and him for not knowing what he wanted and I was angry at myself for allowing myself to be drawn in beyond the emotional safety zone before I was sure he was ready. I was angry at SNS Guy for pulling the rug out from under me and kicking me to the curb months before (a little delayed anger, I know). I was angry at T for his on again - off again efforts to keep me at a safe emotional distance. I was angry at JJ for disappearing from my life. I was angry at Hubby for...well, for a lot of things. I felt jerked around and used and every man I'd been mad at in the past 6 months popped into my head and I sat in my car and raged at them all at once.
By the time I was done, I had decided that I wasn't going to have anything to do with any of them ever again. I was done. Well, except for maybe SNS Guy because he was my best friend, and still is, in spite of what had happened. And except for T because, as you all know, he's like crack for me and I knew I'd need another fix soon. And Hubby, well, we had to finish raising our youngest son, so he could stay around until LittleTomKat turned 18, but that was it!
For the rest of May, email with Tall Guy was polite and friendly, but not as frequent as it had been before we met. In June, it became more frequent again, more personal. At some point during June, we both realized that we had moved out of that "let's be friends" category to the "this is serious" category. In early July, he decided that he was really ready to meet again. We did. It was amazing.
I'm not exactly sure when I started to love him, but I know I fought it. Every warning light in my brain started going off at once, telling me that being emotionally vulnerable - again - was a bad idea. But every time I talked or chatted with him I couldn't see those warning lights at all. I only saw him.
And that's how it is today.