Hubby is out and about with friends tonight and I'm at home being Mom. Well, I'm always Mom, but you know what I mean. I'm caring for the kittens.
He texted me a few minutes ago.
"I forgot to tell you, I took a pill. :-D"
Of course it's obvious what pill he was talking about because he never gets all smiley over his blood pressure pill or his vitamins.
His text was Hubby-speak for "Let's have sex tonight."
What happened to the days of cuddling and talking and sex arising as a spontaneous result of desire? Most of the spontaneous thing left when kids came along. Now, it all comes down to a medical announcement.
Great. I guess the few hours of being with the kids between now and when he gets home is supposed to be the foreplay.
I hate to project negatively, but if tonight is anything like the last several times a pill was taken, it won't be anything to write home about. Know what I mean? It's not all his fault, either. It takes two for sex to be as boring and routine as ours. I've tried to initiate new things, but we always end up going back to the same old thing. I could do a better job of faking excitement, I suppose, but that's very hard to do with a man who won't kiss you.
I've talked about, and many of you have experienced, the pain of rejection when you tell your spouse you'd like to have sex and he (or she) rebuffs your advances. It sucks. But trying to build up some excitement during the act and to have that ignored is a kind of rejection, too. Who knew it would be possible to feel rejection during the act of sex? Well, it is.
In those situations, is that act of intercourse better than not having sex at all? I don't think so. Not having sex with the person you love can be frustrating and upsetting, but having soulless, completely unpassionate sex can be worse because you go into it thinking you have a chance for some intimacy when in reality it's just something physical. Two animals copulating. Wow. Who wants that? Many may choose to live with it, but who would want that kind of a sex life?
I'm sure it doesn't help that I have experienced what real passion and intimacy are, so the comparison makes "pill nights" feel even more empty.
I'm sure I'll hear from people who have no spouse or partner telling me that I should be grateful. I am grateful, very grateful, for my husband. I love him very much. He means the world to me. He's the father of my children. But I'm not going to pretend I'm grateful for spirit killing sex. No way. That's like saying that you're grateful for financial problems because at least it means you have something to lose.
Above all, I am frustrated. How can two people who love each other as much as we do, who have been committed to each other for so long, who have been through hell and back together, who can talk to each other about just about anything be so incapable of making an intimate and satisfying sexual connection? I don't get it. There was a time when it was there. That's why we continue to chase it and try, I think.
I've thought about talking with him about it .....again.....but how do you tell someone you love that you feel so distant from them during sex that it's painful? That you feel closer to them and more connected when they're sick and puking their guts out than you do during sex. That you feel closer to them just about anytime than you do during sex. How do you do that? And how do you change it? We've tried the books and videos and all the professional advise over the years. It helped a little. The best post-children sex we ever had was the night he learned I had been cheating. That lasted for a few months. He was making an effort to compete, I think, and if he would keep doing that our sex life would be good. Not great, but good. But he fell back in the old routine and I let him....and here we are.
When the pill text came, I just looked at it for a moment and felt the flood of emotions wash through. Then I responded with a cute little texted kiss, exactly what was expected of me. I'll take a shower later on and pick up the bedroom, and pull out some lube and some toys (that won't be used). I'll go through the motions of getting ready. When he comes home, I'll decide. Do I try to spice things up with enthusiasm and sheer will and risk feeling that during-the-act-rejection? Or do I just go with the flow and see if something magically changes?
It's not that I don't like sex. To the contrary, I love it! But sex without enthusiasm and passion is not what I want. I can get that from someone from my AM phone list very quickly, without the emotional struggle of wishing it were better.
At this point in my life, I want more.