Friday, July 18, 2014

Is Any Sex Better Than No Sex?

Hubby is out and about with friends tonight and I'm at home being Mom.  Well, I'm always Mom, but you know what I mean. I'm caring for the kittens.

He texted me a few minutes ago.

"I forgot to tell you, I took a pill. :-D"

Of course it's obvious what pill he was talking about because he never gets all smiley over his blood pressure pill or his vitamins.

His text was Hubby-speak for "Let's have sex tonight."

What happened to the days of cuddling and talking and sex arising as a spontaneous result of desire?  Most of the spontaneous thing left when kids came along. Now, it all comes down to a medical announcement.

Great. I guess the few hours of being with the kids between now and when he gets home is supposed to be the foreplay.

I hate to project negatively, but if tonight is anything like the last several times a pill was taken, it won't be anything to write home about.  Know what I mean?  It's not all his fault, either. It takes two for sex to be as boring and routine as ours. I've tried to initiate new things, but we always end up going back to the same old thing.  I could do a better job of faking excitement, I suppose, but that's very hard to do with a man who won't kiss you.

I've talked about, and many of you have experienced, the pain of rejection when you tell your spouse you'd like to have sex and he (or she) rebuffs your advances. It sucks. But trying to build up some excitement during the act and to have that ignored is a kind of rejection, too.  Who knew it would be possible to feel rejection during the act of sex? Well, it is.

In those situations, is that act of intercourse better than not having sex at all?  I don't think so. Not having sex with the person you love can be frustrating and upsetting, but having soulless, completely unpassionate sex can be worse because you go into it thinking you have a chance for some intimacy when in reality it's just something physical. Two animals copulating. Wow. Who wants that?  Many may choose to live with it, but who would want that kind of a sex life?

Not me.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I have experienced what real passion and intimacy are, so the comparison makes "pill nights" feel even more empty.

I'm sure I'll hear from people who have no spouse or partner telling me that I should be grateful.  I am grateful, very grateful, for my husband. I love him very much.  He means the world to me. He's the father of my children.  But I'm not going to pretend I'm grateful for spirit killing sex. No way. That's like saying that you're grateful for financial problems because at least it means you have something to lose.

Above all, I am frustrated. How can two people who love each other as much as we do, who have been committed to each other for so long, who have been through hell and back together, who can talk to each other about just about anything be so incapable of making an intimate and satisfying sexual connection? I don't get it.  There was a time when it was there.  That's why we continue to chase it and try, I think.

I've thought about talking with him about it .....again.....but how do you tell someone you love that you feel so distant from them during sex that it's painful? That you feel closer to them and more connected when they're sick and puking their guts out than you do during sex. That you feel closer to them just about anytime than you do during sex.  How do you do that?  And how do you change it?  We've tried the books and videos and all the professional advise over the years.  It helped a little.  The best post-children sex we ever had was the night he learned I had been cheating. That lasted for a few months.  He was making an effort to compete, I think, and if he would keep doing that our sex life would be good.  Not great, but good. But he fell back in the old routine and I let him....and here we are.

When the pill text came, I just looked at it for a moment and felt the flood of emotions wash through. Then I responded with a cute little texted kiss, exactly what was expected of me. I'll take a shower later on and pick up the bedroom, and pull out some lube and some toys (that won't be used). I'll go through the motions of getting ready.  When he comes home, I'll decide.  Do I try to spice things up with enthusiasm and sheer will and risk feeling that during-the-act-rejection? Or do I just go with the flow and see if something magically changes?

It's not that I don't like sex.  To the contrary, I love it! But sex without enthusiasm and passion is not what I want.  I can get that from someone from my AM phone list very quickly, without the emotional struggle of wishing it were better.

At this point in my life, I want more.


8 comments:

~McKPR said...

I could have written this. Seriously. Granted, for the last several years, 12 to be exact, dh has rebuffed me, refused me, been repulsed by me (his words. his recent words) time and time again. I took a lover two years ago and to experience mutual lust, desire, passion and intimacy is beyond anything I every expected, especially this late in life. It's a gift. I want this all of the time so when dh finally "agrees" to have sex with me, at the urging of our marriage counselor, is it any wonder I *need* lube or can't muster up the expected "oh thank you hubby, for finally fucking me after 6 weeks" in an genuinely enthusiastic manner? What does it mean when I am more satisfied, fulfilled and sated in the very rare moments in real life I have with my long distance lover, hell even in our virtual moments, than the every 6-weeks 15-minute physical release with dh? Like you, I love my husband, I do. But I want more.

Aunt Clara said...

I also could have written this. Last night my husband said "I'm going to butter your muffin." That was the sum total of foreplay. Then, afterwards, it took longer for me to clean myself up than the actual act of sex.

Like you I've tried to spice things up, try different things, but it always goes back to the same old position and routine.

He doesn't kiss my anymore either and I really miss that.

Lola said...

Hey Kat,
I feel for you, I really do. Now, I don't remember with the conversations that you've had, but did you ever suggest bringing another lover into the bed. Hubby's seeing you be ravished by another man might restore some wild emotions that are under the surface. Plus, it could be fun for you. . .
Just a thought.
HH

JFBreak said...

Hubby's seeing you be ravished by another man might restore some wild emotions that are under the surface.

Yes!!!

Same sassy girl said...

Another powerful post... I have pondered this question at length... no sex or bad sex? After 15 years of no sex with Hubby, that sent me out into the wild world where I never wanted to be again, I'm going to say "bad sex." At least there is a chance then... but it is a close call. Hoping for better for us all!

Kat said...

McKPR, Aunt Clara, and Sassy - Nice to know I'm not alone. I find it strange that this issue is usually the other way around. I's usually the man whining because his wife isn't interested in sex or just gives "duty sex." Oh well....

Lola and Jf - Are you kidding? Not only have I offered, but I've begged! Bring in another woman, (two if you want), bring in another man and you can watch (or join in), join a swinging group, watch dirty movies together, watch instructional videos together, read erotica together, go watch strippers together....I have suggested just about everything I can but he always says no. Why? "Because that would be wrong."

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