The Response

I was very moved by the response to the post Why I Cheat, not because I wanted approval of or support for my choices, but because I was struck by how many of us struggle with sexual issues at home. Having a mismatch in sexual desire between spouses is not uncommon at all, but when you're living with it, you feel alone because folks don't talk about it.

Sure, there's a common refrain from men worldwide that their wives don't give them enough sex, but accepting that that's "just the way it is" minimizes the issue and discounts the huge amount of pain that the situation causes men. And when the wife is the one with the greater sex drive, it's just as hurtful.

Recently, I had lunch with a friend whose marriage was on the rocks and her husband had moved out.  She was talking about it, asking for advice and my thoughts on the situation because she couldn't figure out why they had just become so disconnected.  She shared many personal details about their relationship, but none were sexual.  I asked her, "How's your sex life?  What's going on there?" She looked shocked that I even mentioned sex and she quickly said, "Oh, everything is fine in that area.  We have no problems there."

Bullshit.

My question is, why can't we talk about this stuff? Talking about it with a spouse (and that's the exact person with whom we should be talking) is extremely difficult. We don't want to hurt their feelings.  We're afraid we'll say something wrong and make things worse.  We have lost confidence that even possible to change things, so why bother?

I think it's so hard because it gets down to who we are as men and as women. It's about our emotional identity and our sexual identity and messing with those is just dangerous. It's Pandora's Box; you don't know what's in there but once it's open there's no putting it back in the box and there may be no controlling it.

But why wouldn't my friend discuss it? She couldn't hurt me by discussing it.  She wouldn't harm the friendship.

Why do we choose to be miserable, rather than talk about it?

There's another blogger who suggests that men tell their wives about their sexual expectations of them and that they explain that it is part of their marital responsibility and they will be expected to turn their husbands on and participate with enthusiasm. The problem with that is that you can't make people want you - at least not for long.

When we had been married several years, my husband made a similar demand.  I was working full time, I had a two year old at home, and I was going to graduate school.  And he wanted enthusiastic sex every other night regardless of how I felt emotionally or physically.

I tried.  I was successful for a while, too.  But then I started to dread "sex nights" because it became a huge source of stress and pressure, and I knew that if he didn't have sex that night he'd become sullen and quiet until he did.  And then there was the schedule.  If I missed a sex night, he expected that I make it up, which meant two or three nights in row. And it was my responsibility to initiate.

After several months, I couldn't handle it anymore, and sex had become no fun for me at all.  It was a chore, and at a time in my life when I was dealing with extreme stress in most areas of my life, it only added more.  It wasn't a loving communion between partners anymore. It was an oppressive control mechanism.

I finally broke down in tears one day and told him I couldn't handle it anymore.What shocked me was that he had no idea how unhappy I was.  Why?  Because I wasn't talking to him about how I was feeling and I was "performing" well in bed.

What he was really trying to tell me months before is that sex was very important to him, that he became physically and emotionally uncomfortable when he went for days or weeks without it. What he gave me instead was a command to perform.

Fast forward 20 years...... The situation is now reversed. I become physically and emotionally uncomfortable without regular sex, and he feels like sex is a chore and he has to perform.  The difference is that when we were younger, he didn't notice how I felt about it until I completely lost it. Today, I notice every sigh, reluctant touch, nod of the head when he's about to doze off.  Part of me gets very angry.  Why can't he just fake it like I was forced to do years ago?  If I could pretend that I was really into it, why can't he?

But I don't want him to pretend to be happy.  I want him to be happy. I don't want him to feel the emotions I felt back then.  I love him.

So, we keep moving forward, dealing with it as best we can.  Sometimes we talk.  Sometimes we fake it.  Sometimes we really connect and have great sex.  Sometimes I feel like a lousy wife who can't inspire her husband to want her.  Sometimes he feels like a lousy husband who can't satisfy his wife.

But we always end up looking past the sex and see our best friend.

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I genuinely appreciate all the comments and the many emails written by folks who didn't want to comment but wanted to share their own stories. If I haven't responded to you yet, please be patient.

Surrendering to M (Part 1)

Everything about meeting with M was comfortable. It was a familiar hotel. He had a familiar smile on his face when he opened the door. And that kiss....wow. 

I've shared with you before that I think I could kiss M forever. This time was no different. There was just something about M that made me feel safe when he put his arms around me. M is tall, with strong arms and broad shoulders. When he pulled me close, wrapped those arms around me and kissed me (again, that kiss....mmmm), I just melted into him, and it was easy to forget everything happening on the other side of that door. With M, nothing else mattered. I forgot about all the demands and stress of my life and could be totally present with him. It takes a really special man to make me feel like I can completely let go of myself. M was definitely a special guy.

We laid on the bed and kissed and talked for a while. That was different. Usually, the talking came after the sex, but M and I had come to know each other so well that we both really wanted to catch up a bit. We talked about his job and mine, our kids, our spouses. No topic was off limits, and that's definitely one of the things I loved about him. 

After a few minutes of catching up, M told me to get up and stand by the foot of the bed. I smiled a knowing smile, but he wasn't smiling. He was suddenly very serious and he watched me intently as I stood by the bed.

"Take off your clothes," he said, and le leaned up on his elbow so he could be more comfortable as he watched. 

I pulled off my sweater and tossed it aside. Then my pants, trying not to take my eyes off him ad he watched me.

"Nice pink panties," he said through a smile. I knew he would like those. Everything else I was wearing was black and I knew the bright pink panties would get his attention.

I slid out of my blouse, and reached behind to unhook my black lace bra. The hooks gave me a little trouble, and the longer I stood there fussing with it, the more aware I became of his eyes on me and the more self conscious I felt. Finally, the last hook released and I tossed the bra aside. I stood there in nothing but my pink panties, looking at him for a moment, wondering if he would say anything, but he simply nodded, indicating that should continue.

I hooked my thumbs under my panties on each side and slid them down, shimmying out of them, then kicking them aside. I felt unbelievably exposed standing there naked in from him. He just watched me as I stood there.

Soon, I couldn't stand it anymore so I jumped onto the bed and crawled back into his arms. He protested that he hadn't given me permission to move, but his protests stopped as soon as his hands felt my bare skin and his mouth started sucking my neck. 

I wrapped a leg around him as his hand started moving down my side, over my hip, and between my legs. He started circling my clit with his finger slowly, then he suddenly stopped and told me to roll over on my stomach. I complied. He got undressed quickly and came back and started gently rubbing my back.

He brushed my hair aside and kissed the back of my neck, then my shoulder, then my back. As he kissed his way downy body, his hands were just a little bid ahead, rubbing and very lightly massaging my lower back, my hips, my buttocks, my thighs.... He moved slowly - very, very slowly - letting my anticipation build. All I could hear was my breathing, his breathing, and the quiet breathless sound of each soft kiss.

By time his kisses reached my lower back, his fingers slid inside me and I shuddered. I moaned involuntarily and he responded by pulling his hand back. My moan of pleasure turned into one of protest. He waited patiently for me to be quiet again before he continued. 

His fingers slid in and out of my pussy slowly and rhythmically. Every now and then, they would slide into my ass instead of my pussy, making me squeal quietly and arch my back. He kept doing that until those squeals became moans and I started pressing back against his hand. 

Our room was across the hall from a conference room, and now I could hear voices in the hallway and the conference room as people were arriving for a meeting. Great timing, I thought. If I can hear them just chatting in normal voices, then I'm sure they can hear me moaning and begging for M to fuck me, or to at least to put some more fingers inside me.

He didn't have time to do anything besides finger fuck me a bit harder because I started to cum. I asked his permission to cum (the last time I came without his permission he bent me over a couch and gave my bare ass a pretty hard spanking...that taught me to ask first). He teased me for about 30 seconds, withholding his permission, enjoying hearing me beg and watching me writhe against his hand. Finally, he said yes, and I let go, pushing back against his hand, screaming.....

I heard a pause in the conversation across the hall. Their talking started again as my screams turned into whimpers....

But M wasn't done. He kept fingering me, making me move through that uncomfortable post-orgasmic period of touching when everything  is *so* sensitive down there to that place where the pleasure starts rising again, more intensely, more urgently. He knew  that my first orgasm was never the best one for me. In fact, he knew me well enough to know that if I could still  talk and answer questions intelligibly, I wasn't near my best O, so he proceeded to work me through those amazing phases of abandon I go through on my journey to total surrender. 

After O number three, he told me to turn over onto my back....

To be continued....

10 Tips for Wives to Keep Your Husband from Cheating

Ok, I know that your first reaction to this is going to be that it's not your fault if he cheats, and you are right, of course. Your husband is responsible for his own behavior. Not only that, but there are some guys who are going to cheat no matter what you do just because they are addicted to the newness of fresh pussy (If my use of the word "pussy" just offended you, get over it.  You need to toughen up if you are going to compete with the prowling women out there, ok?). As I was saying, even though you are not responsible for his choices, there are some things you can do to minimize the chances that your man will stray.

I know what I'm talking about.  I have been "the other woman" with more than a few "happily married" men. I've listened to countless stories about their wives and their marriages and how they would like them to be different. The first thing I want to tell you is that, almost without exception, they really do love you and they really do want their marriages to work. But some things are missing.

Here are some tips to help you address those things before your man steps out of the marriage to find them:

1. Don't underestimate the importance of a sexual relationship to man. Women tend to minimize the importance of sex and write it off as a male perversion, but it's not. Wanting sex regularly, particularly with the woman they love, is completely normal - biologically and emotionally. Cutting it off has all sorts of ramifications, not the least of which is that they will often feel unwanted and like they are not fully appreciated as a man. It's a big deal. Please stop acting like it's not. We could debate all day about whether other things in a relationship are or should be more important, but that doesn't matter.  The fact remains that your husband needs a satisfying sexual relationship with you to be truly happy in the marriage.  It's not just a want, but a need.
2. Make your husband feel like sex with him is important to you, too. The one thing I have heard from every single married man I've ever been with is what a turn on it is to be with a woman who wants to have sex, and who wants to have sex with him. They feel like you don't want them anymore and your half-hearted attempts to give in to them as you openly act like you just want it over with as soon as possible are hurtful to some and downright offensive to others. Your husband's sexual satisfaction is not just about orgasm.  He needs to feel that you want to have sex with him and that you enjoy it.
3. Get help to get over your "issues." Many men say that their wife has just lost interest in sex and that there appears to be nothing that either spouse can do about that.  That is simply not true. If you have lost interest in sex, please go to your doctor and tell him that you have lost interest and ask for help. There are many biological conditions that might be interfering with your libido.  Work with your doctor to find any problem, if there is one, and treat it.  After that, if you still have no desire, seek counseling.
4. Learn to give (and like) oral sex. Men like oral sex. I often hear them say that their wives won't do it or that their wives don't do it well. If I told you that learning to give good head might be the difference between losing or keeping your husband, would you do it? Good girl. So, educate yourself.  When I was newly married, I knew my husband loved to receive oral satisfaction, but I also felt very inadequate because I knew I didn't know what I was doing. One day, I sat him down and I told him how I was feeling.  I told him that I wanted to learn how to do it, and I asked him if he would teach me what he likes and what he doesn't.  And I also asked him to be patient with me. Before I was even done saying that, his pants were off and his cock was hard, and he was ready to give me my first lesson. He talked me through it.  I tried different things. He gave me immediate feedback (kind words, moans, and cum) when I did it well. I practiced....a lot, because it was important to me to please him. I also looked at some books and videos and tried to learn even more. I really got into it and learned to like it (a lot), and my husband was turned on by the fact that I wanted to learn.
5. Speak up, and teach your husband what turns you on. Trust me, your pleasure is a big turn on for your husband. If he's just missing the mark, so to speak, in helping you come to orgasm, show him what to do.  Talk him through it.  He will get the message that you really want pleasure, which he will love, and he'll want to give it to you. For a man, a huge part of feeling sexually powerful is knowing that he can please a woman. I've been with men who who were just deliriously excited that they could make me come because they thought they had lost the ability to bring a woman pleasure and my orgasm showed them that wasn't true. Their wives' lack of interest had actually convinced these men that there was something wrong with them. They had lost confidence, and they went to another woman to get it back.  Let your husband please you.  Show him how.  If you don't know how, get professional help (see #3, above).
6. Have more sex. Interestingly, the more you have sex, the more you'll want sex. It stimulates the pleasure center of your brain and gets your hormones and other juices flowing. Sometimes the best way to shake your libido awake is just to start having sex.
7. Try something new. Buy your husband a sex toy to try out on you. Get an instructional sex book or DVD and try new positions together. You can never be "fresh pussy" for your husband like you were when you were first married, but you can do the next best thing - you can keep it as fresh as possible by not falling into a routine of doing the same thing every time.  You may think that your husband should take the lead on this if it matters to him, but often your husband won't try something new because he's afraid he'll offend you and then he won't get any sex at all (and that is something most men want to avoid at all costs). If you bring up new things to try, he'll know that you understand how important the sexual relationship is to him and you'll keep him wondering what fun thing you'll come up with next.  And that will keep him at home with you.
8. Remember that sex starts outside the bedroom.  I know.  Men are really bad about this.  I can't tell you how many times over the last 20+ years my husband has been short with me or cranky and then wanted sex when we went to bed.  It's like there's a total disconnect between the brain and the cock. Still, if you want your husband to stay sexually interested in you, you need to give him something to be interested in. Send him sweet (and maybe even dirty) little text messages and notes ("Watching you come out of the shower this morning got me wet, too. Can't wait 'til tonight." "I love you. Can't wait to feel your arms around me again."). Get as naughty as you want.  This is your husband, for goodness' sake! Don't be shy. Just remember, if your husband is having an affair, he's going to be getting even naughtier little messages than the examples I gave you, and he'll love them and they will make him rush to her to get some of the real thing. Don't you want him thinking about you and rushing home to you instead?
9. Be nice to your husband.  This is really part of #8, but I wanted to list it separately because it's very important.  Please forgive me for being so blunt, but some of you are just bitches to your men. You henpeck them and try to control them constantly, your speak to them very harshly and rudely, and you belittle their attempts at affection. Why are you surprised when they find escape in the arms of a woman who speaks softly and gently to them and treats them nicely? Now, this doesn't apply to all of you because I often hear from men that they love everything about their wives except their sex lives, but I also hear from others that they are tired of being treated like a meal ticket and a home repair man. When a marriage is going through a rough spell, it can be hard to remember the basic courtesies of companionship, but please make an effort.  Say "please" and  "thank you." Follow the basic rule you learned from your mom  - "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" - and follow the Golden Rule.
10. Don't give up. It's hard to change behavior and learn new skills and habits, even if you really want to. Please don't give up.  The cost will be a great one if you quit, but the payoff if you persevere will be wonderful. Imagine your husband doting on you like he did when you were first married. Wouldn't you love to be fully satisfied in the bedroom? You can be, and so can he. No, it's not as easy as it was when you were new together, but that doesn't mean that it can't be even better if you make a good effort.  Isn't he worth it?