Cyber Sex Challenges

I was reading through my list of favorite blogs this morning, and I came across a great post by Liam in The Accidental Philanderer. His post, Someone Who Can Teach Me, provides a great (and hilarious!) example of the challenges of writing about sex. You must (yes, I said must) read it.

It's not as easy as many people think. Seriously. And it's definitely harder than having sex.

Here are my biggest sex-related writing challenges:

1. Naming the female genitalia.  How many words are there for pussy, really?  Pussy. Cunt. Womanhood. Nether regions. And there are times when none of those is right. Then you have all the gross ones that guys like to banter about, but they are usually not words I would ever say, let alone write.
2. Naming other body parts. Breasts. Tits. Boobs. Girlie bumps.  Girls. (sigh) This is going downhill fast, isn't it? And what about balls? How many acceptable words or phrases are there for scrotum? I know the mark of a good writer can often be found in describing, rather than naming, but a written description of balls is just unappealing no matter you write it.
3. Not sounding corny. Yeah, sometimes I just can't help it and I'll slip into romance novel mode.  There's nothing necessarily wrong with romance novel mode, of course, assuming you're writing a romance novel, but I think a sex blog should be a little more honest, a little more raw. And a cyber sex session should definitely be hotter than a romance novel.
4. Avoiding adjective diarrhea. In an effort to be descriptive, it's easy to just string together adjectives (hot, dripping, gooey, hungry cunt). That's just lazy, and annoying. I try never to string together more than two adjectives when a more detailed description can be even better.
5. Describing orgasm. There are lots of ways I've chosen to describe orgasm, and I've seen it described in lots of ways, but they almost all fall short.

If you're new to cyber sex, I have just a few tips to help you out:

• Don't be afraid to talk/write dirty. That's pretty much the point, ya know.
• Imagine; then describe. Think about what you actually would do in a particular situation and then write about it descriptively. It will come across more realistically that way. Of course, if what you think you would really do is gag and throw up, you may want to use your imagination and make something up instead.
• Master one handed typing. Uh.....I think you know what this one is about. It really sucks to be in a cyber sex conversation with someone only to have them go silent when things start getting interesting. If you are playing with someone who can't type with one hand (face it, some of your guys can barely type with two hands), try taking turns doing the "talking" while the other one plays after it gets going.  Another alternative is to use voice recognition software, like Dragon NaturallySpeaking Home, Version 11.  Then you can talk, instead of type, and play with two hands (which comes in very handy for the ladies). Of course, this assumes you are some place where you can speak freely. Since most of you dogs out there cyber late at night while wifey is asleep in the other room, this may not work for you.
• Use short, simple sentences and the active voice.  You don't have to make it fancy. Just be direct.
• Use the first person singular for yourself (I, me) and the second person (you) for your partner.  I just think it's more intimate this way. Some people like using third person (he, she, it), but that feels impersonal to me, almost like voyeurism rather than being an active participant.
• Remember that it's not all about you. Just like real sex, there's another person involved who is looking for something, too. Don't be a jerk.  Think about what your partner wants.

I suppose the best advice is just to have fun.

By the way, I am completely open to your help with my challenges.  If you have any good words or ideas for naming genitalia or other body parts, feel free to share them.

Top Posts from the Past Week and Other Stuff

Hey there, Prowlers.  I've got a few goodies for you today.  First, if you haven't already noticed, there are some tabs just below the title bar above that will take you to collections of posts. For example, the "Sex, Sex, Only Sex" tab will take you to a collection of all of our sex posts (yummy!).  The "Advice" tab will take you to a collection of advice posts.

Next, you know I like to give you a list of the most popular posts from the previous week.  If you haven't had a chance to check them out, now is a great opportunity to catch up. Here's your weekly list of most read posts from the past week.  Enjoy!

10 Tips for Wives to Keep Your Husband from Cheating

What Women Really Want in Bed

Contented Kat?

All Filled Up - A Naughty Story

Why Kat Prowls

10 Tips for Wives to Keep Your Husband from Cheating

Ok, I know that your first reaction to this is going to be that it's not your fault if he cheats, and you are right, of course. Your husband is responsible for his own behavior. Not only that, but there are some guys who are going to cheat no matter what you do just because they are addicted to the newness of fresh pussy (If my use of the word "pussy" just offended you, get over it.  You need to toughen up if you are going to compete with the prowling women out there, ok?). As I was saying, even though you are not responsible for his choices, there are some things you can do to minimize the chances that your man will stray.

I know what I'm talking about.  I have been "the other woman" with more than a few "happily married" men. I've listened to countless stories about their wives and their marriages and how they would like them to be different. The first thing I want to tell you is that, almost without exception, they really do love you and they really do want their marriages to work. But some things are missing.

Here are some tips to help you address those things before your man steps out of the marriage to find them:

1. Don't underestimate the importance of a sexual relationship to man. Women tend to minimize the importance of sex and write it off as a male perversion, but it's not. Wanting sex regularly, particularly with the woman they love, is completely normal - biologically and emotionally. Cutting it off has all sorts of ramifications, not the least of which is that they will often feel unwanted and like they are not fully appreciated as a man. It's a big deal. Please stop acting like it's not. We could debate all day about whether other things in a relationship are or should be more important, but that doesn't matter.  The fact remains that your husband needs a satisfying sexual relationship with you to be truly happy in the marriage.  It's not just a want, but a need.
2. Make your husband feel like sex with him is important to you, too. The one thing I have heard from every single married man I've ever been with is what a turn on it is to be with a woman who wants to have sex, and who wants to have sex with him. They feel like you don't want them anymore and your half-hearted attempts to give in to them as you openly act like you just want it over with as soon as possible are hurtful to some and downright offensive to others. Your husband's sexual satisfaction is not just about orgasm.  He needs to feel that you want to have sex with him and that you enjoy it.
3. Get help to get over your "issues." Many men say that their wife has just lost interest in sex and that there appears to be nothing that either spouse can do about that.  That is simply not true. If you have lost interest in sex, please go to your doctor and tell him that you have lost interest and ask for help. There are many biological conditions that might be interfering with your libido.  Work with your doctor to find any problem, if there is one, and treat it.  After that, if you still have no desire, seek counseling.
4. Learn to give (and like) oral sex. Men like oral sex. I often hear them say that their wives won't do it or that their wives don't do it well. If I told you that learning to give good head might be the difference between losing or keeping your husband, would you do it? Good girl. So, educate yourself.  When I was newly married, I knew my husband loved to receive oral satisfaction, but I also felt very inadequate because I knew I didn't know what I was doing. One day, I sat him down and I told him how I was feeling.  I told him that I wanted to learn how to do it, and I asked him if he would teach me what he likes and what he doesn't.  And I also asked him to be patient with me. Before I was even done saying that, his pants were off and his cock was hard, and he was ready to give me my first lesson. He talked me through it.  I tried different things. He gave me immediate feedback (kind words, moans, and cum) when I did it well. I practiced....a lot, because it was important to me to please him. I also looked at some books and videos and tried to learn even more. I really got into it and learned to like it (a lot), and my husband was turned on by the fact that I wanted to learn.
5. Speak up, and teach your husband what turns you on. Trust me, your pleasure is a big turn on for your husband. If he's just missing the mark, so to speak, in helping you come to orgasm, show him what to do.  Talk him through it.  He will get the message that you really want pleasure, which he will love, and he'll want to give it to you. For a man, a huge part of feeling sexually powerful is knowing that he can please a woman. I've been with men who who were just deliriously excited that they could make me come because they thought they had lost the ability to bring a woman pleasure and my orgasm showed them that wasn't true. Their wives' lack of interest had actually convinced these men that there was something wrong with them. They had lost confidence, and they went to another woman to get it back.  Let your husband please you.  Show him how.  If you don't know how, get professional help (see #3, above).
6. Have more sex. Interestingly, the more you have sex, the more you'll want sex. It stimulates the pleasure center of your brain and gets your hormones and other juices flowing. Sometimes the best way to shake your libido awake is just to start having sex.
7. Try something new. Buy your husband a sex toy to try out on you. Get an instructional sex book or DVD and try new positions together. You can never be "fresh pussy" for your husband like you were when you were first married, but you can do the next best thing - you can keep it as fresh as possible by not falling into a routine of doing the same thing every time.  You may think that your husband should take the lead on this if it matters to him, but often your husband won't try something new because he's afraid he'll offend you and then he won't get any sex at all (and that is something most men want to avoid at all costs). If you bring up new things to try, he'll know that you understand how important the sexual relationship is to him and you'll keep him wondering what fun thing you'll come up with next.  And that will keep him at home with you.
8. Remember that sex starts outside the bedroom.  I know.  Men are really bad about this.  I can't tell you how many times over the last 20+ years my husband has been short with me or cranky and then wanted sex when we went to bed.  It's like there's a total disconnect between the brain and the cock. Still, if you want your husband to stay sexually interested in you, you need to give him something to be interested in. Send him sweet (and maybe even dirty) little text messages and notes ("Watching you come out of the shower this morning got me wet, too. Can't wait 'til tonight." "I love you. Can't wait to feel your arms around me again."). Get as naughty as you want.  This is your husband, for goodness' sake! Don't be shy. Just remember, if your husband is having an affair, he's going to be getting even naughtier little messages than the examples I gave you, and he'll love them and they will make him rush to her to get some of the real thing. Don't you want him thinking about you and rushing home to you instead?
9. Be nice to your husband.  This is really part of #8, but I wanted to list it separately because it's very important.  Please forgive me for being so blunt, but some of you are just bitches to your men. You henpeck them and try to control them constantly, your speak to them very harshly and rudely, and you belittle their attempts at affection. Why are you surprised when they find escape in the arms of a woman who speaks softly and gently to them and treats them nicely? Now, this doesn't apply to all of you because I often hear from men that they love everything about their wives except their sex lives, but I also hear from others that they are tired of being treated like a meal ticket and a home repair man. When a marriage is going through a rough spell, it can be hard to remember the basic courtesies of companionship, but please make an effort.  Say "please" and  "thank you." Follow the basic rule you learned from your mom  - "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" - and follow the Golden Rule.
10. Don't give up. It's hard to change behavior and learn new skills and habits, even if you really want to. Please don't give up.  The cost will be a great one if you quit, but the payoff if you persevere will be wonderful. Imagine your husband doting on you like he did when you were first married. Wouldn't you love to be fully satisfied in the bedroom? You can be, and so can he. No, it's not as easy as it was when you were new together, but that doesn't mean that it can't be even better if you make a good effort.  Isn't he worth it?

What Women Really Want in Bed

This is a topic that I knew I'd have to tackle at some point, but it's a difficult one because every woman is different.  Still, I think it's possible to make some generalizations that can shed some light on a few things for you dogs (men) out there who are trying to figure us out.

The first thing you need to do is set aside what you want in bed, at least for the moment. While there are some striking similarities, men and women are different (I hope that isn't news to you). For most of the men I've met, sex is good if they come.  Period.  It's great if they come more than once. We women are a little more complicated than that. Here are a few of our secrets:

1. Women want to have orgasms, too. The women who are reading this will think this is obvious, but it's simply not obvious to many men. Your wife may have convinced you that it's ok if she doesn't come every time, and it is, but that shouldn't be the norm. Here's how I explained it to my husband: Imagine that you're having sex and everything is going well.  Your partner comes, and is very satisfied.  Then it's over. Would that be ok with you?  Maybe, depending on the situation.  Would you consider it good sex? What's that?  "Hell no!" you say?  What if it happened every other time or, God forbid, every time?  Get the point? Interestingly, many men will move heaven and earth to make sure their girlfriend comes, but they won't take the time to make their wife come.  Then they call her "frigid."
2. What women want most of all from sex within the context of a relationship is to make an emotional connection. Notice that I said "sex within the context of a relationship." A roll in the hay with a stranger is different.  Whether the relationship is a marriage, an affair, or a friends-with-benefits situation, it's still about making an emotional connection for the woman. This is how you got confused when we told you it was ok if we didn't come every time, because our primary need is connection and relationship. The physical part, for most women, is still important, but it's secondary. So, how do you build that connection?  Read on.
3. Women want to be kissed.  Kissing is a very intimate act. It says passion.  It says, "I want you." If you have an aversion to kissing, get over it. I have known some women and men who refuse to kiss during sex outside the context of marriage because it's too intimate for them. All I can say to that is, "Well, you won't be having sex with me because kissing is mandatory." Of course, I'm married to a non-kisser so I won't put up with lack of kissing from a lover.
4. Women want to be held.  Yes, boys, that means cuddling to some degree. Why do we want this? Because it makes us feel safe.  It makes us feel wanted. Trust me on this - you want us to feel safe and wanted. When we feel safe and wanted, we want to make you feel good.
5. Women want to be seen and treated as a lover. It's easy to treat your honey-on-the-side as a lover because you don't see her cleaning up the dog shit or your kid's vomit, but your wife needs you to see her - and treat her - that way, too. If you treat us as if we are the sexiest lovers in the world, it is highly likely that we will be. If you treat us like we're your housekeeper whose job right now is to satisfy you sexually, don't be surprised when we lack enthusiasm. Yeah, we'll probably do it.  Why?  Because we crave that emotional connection (see # 2, above), but we won't be into it.
6. Women want variety. You may love that one position every time...for years...but it drives us nuts. A little creativity goes a long way. We want to try out different positions and some toys, too. Also, I don't believe the good Lord gave me three places perfectly suited for a nice hard cock just so only one would be used. I know not all women agree with this, but it's my blog, so what the hell...
7. Multiorgasmic women want to come more than once. For most multiorgasmic women, the first orgasm isn't the best one.  The really good one is number 2 or 3 (sometimes 4). This is hard for most men to understand because you boys aren't blessed with the whole multi-orgasm gift. Stopping after the first one is a lot like stopping after really good foreplay and not coming at all. 
8. Women want to be touched - in lots of places, not just "down there." Some of us have extremely sensitive nipples and really get into sex if you pay with, suck, lick, and bite them. Some women go wild if you play with and kiss our necks and ears.  Others want their thighs involved in the touching. It may take you some time to discover where your wife or lover most prefers to be touched, but it will pay off. Oh yeah, touching in other places is important, but don't forget to touch "down there," too.
9. Women want the man to take the lead.  I know this one is going to get me in trouble, but I'm standing by it. Sure, there are dominant women, but most of us are not sexually dominant.  This doesn't mean that all women want to be dominated in an BDSM sense, but we do want a man to "be a man," so to speak. This also doesn't mean that there won't be times when your wife or lover will want to take the lead, but this is the exception, I believe (part of that variety thing; see number 6, above). Be sensitive, but confident. Gently take charge of the situation (or more roughly, if both of you are into that) and most women will melt into your arms.
10. Women want you to take your time.  Sure, there are times when a quickie can be fun, but if your whole sex life is about quickies, she's not happy. Foreplay matters (hey, that sounds like a great title and topic for another Kat post, doesn't it?). So does the afterplay. And if you're in a hurry and fingering her clit really fast and hard so she'll hurry up and come so you can get yours, it probably isn't going to happen. If you can't devote at least 30 minutes to getting her in the mood with kissing and foreplay and making her come as part of the warm-up, then maybe you shouldn't even start.

Here's the thing you really need to keep in mind - The happier your partner is, the happier you will be. The time you invest in figuring out and actually doing specifically what she wants and what turns her on will be time very well spent because then she will want to go out of her way to really please you.

And isn't that what you really want?

Kat's Advice for Prowling Men

Let's face it.  Most of us do our prowling on the sly.  We don't talk about it with friends. We don't ask our spouses for their advice as we do on many other issues. For the most part, we're left out there to figure it out on our own. So, I'm going to do a big favor for you prowling dogs out there. I'm going to share a few tips from a feminine perspective.  Heed them or not, but if you choose to ignore me, don't say I didn't warn you.

Most of my tips are for guys who are actually planning to meet the other woman for (whispering) s-e-x. However, some are appropriate for you online-only prowlers as well.

In no particular order:

• Don't be a jerk. Be polite. Remember that it is a real human being you are dealing with.  It's very easy when chatting with someone online and via email to objectify her and forget that she's not a paid prostitute; she's a woman (likely married) who has her own needs and concerns. Don't use any of the pickup lines that don't work when you first start chatting, but don't use them later, either. "Wanna fuck?" isn't very alluring or sexy at any point in the first few conversations.  Just today, I was chatting with a guy for about the third time, who started off the conversation with "I wanna see your ass."  Oh, come on.
• Have realistic expectations. You are not perfect yourself, ya know. Be aware that your new partner will be overlooking a few things, in your favor. Be nice and do the same. Keep in mind, too, that there is a gap between the fantasy of sexy online chat and the reality of real people.  Sometimes it's a big gap.  Sometimes it's not, but if you keep your expectations realistic, everything will be fine.
• Take care of the hotel room. Here's how I expressed this to a guy recently, "I'm going to lick your ass, suck your cock, and swallow your cum - probably several times - and you want me to take care of the room, too?" Get the point? Now, I don't think sharing the cost of the room is unreasonable, but don't assume that.
• Get a pre-paid credit card. It just makes things easier. You can find hotels that don't require a credit card, but if you leave one do not assume that they won't charge it, even if you are paying cash. If in doubt, ask. I've paid cash and still had an authorization charge (that was reversed) showing up on the bill.  Not cool.
• Talk about preferences and other important things in advance. The time to ask her if she likes anal sex is not when you are entering her ass and she's screaming and wiggling trying to get away. Know in advance what positions she likes, and which she doesn't.  If she's ok with oral, will she let you cum in her mouth? And please talk about condoms in advance. If you're too embarrassed to talk about these things, then you're not ready to fuck around.  Period.
• Be responsible. Condoms are your responsibility, not hers. (Ladies, my message for you is not to trust that he'll have some.  Always have some hidden in your purse.) Only teenagers end up hard, hot, and bothered and don't have a condom. As for whetehr or not you'll be using the comdoms, the two of you need to discuss that.  You're adults.  If the discussion does not happen, condoms are the default. That means plan on using a condom unless you discuss it and agree not to.
• Be a man.  Please forgive me for being politically incorrect here, but the truth is that most of us have a whipped, wussy of a man at home (even though we love him dearly and he's a great provider or whatever, blah, blah, blah....). That's not what we're looking for when we're on the prowl.  For the most part, we're looking for a man who's going to take charge of the situation, if you know what I mean.  It doesn't mean we want to be completely passive, but we don't want to run the whole show. So, step up. Take charge. I had a phone conversation yesterday with a man I will be meeting tomorrow for the first time.  It was a very nice and polite conversation.  As we were talking about the logistics of meeting, he said, "Well, we could meet at a restaurant for coffee first, if you'd like, but there are some hotels right there.  How would you feel about just getting a room  and getting to know each other intimately?  I already know that's what I want with you."  Wow. That was a panty-dampener if ever there was one. Did you notice how he gave me the option of backing up and meeting in a public place, but he made it clear what he wanted?  Very nice.  Then he went on to say that he would arrange it and contact me with the location (See?  Refer to "Take care of the hotel room" tip, above). In our previous chats, he was very clear about what he wanted, what he didn't want, and what he was looking for - all while being very polite, funny, and charming. Also, he led the conversation (and the chats) the whole time.  He was ready with relevant questions and responses. That, grasshoppers, is how it's done. The odds that he will take charge in bed, too, are very good (lucky me!)
• Don't ask us about our kids during sex.  I know, this seems like a no brainer, but there's a reason it's on my list.  Understand? Just don't do it.
• Focus on pleasing her.  Trust me, you will have so much more fun and pleasure if she does. Some of you do this naturally, but I'm sorry to have to tell you this, most of you don't. This tip would change slightly of you are in a BDSM relationship, but then many of these tips would a bit different in that situation.
• Know what you want. If you are conflicted about having an affair, don't do it.  Wait until you know. If you only want a one time fling, don't hook up with a woman who has made it clear that she wants a long term thing.  It's just  not fair to her. As far as sex is concerned, it's cute when the young ones don't know what to do (See Teaching a Young One), but it's not as cute when a full-grown man is indecisive. I guess this goes along with the "Be a man" tip above.
• Don't freak out if the unexpected happens.  Plan for unexpected events.  What are you going to do if your wife calls?  If her husband calls? If one of the kids calls? What if she gags when you're in her throat? What if you can't get it up? Seriously, it's normal to be really nervous, especially if this is your first time cheating.  A touch of ED is not as uncommon as you think.  I know, I know, that would never happen to you, but what if it does?  What's your contingency plan? Hint: Getting dressed quickly and running from the room is not an option.
• Communicate in-between meetings. You may think that you have a meeting set up for four days from now and that's good.  So you don't need to talk or chat with her between now and then, right?  Wrong. The online world functions at a much faster pace than the offline world. No communication in 24 hours online is like a week's worth of silence in the offline world. I saw a movie yesterday in which one of the characters said that women are like horses; they spook easily.  It's true. Even the most confident among us need to hear from you.  Keep in touch.  Don't think you have closed the deal, so to speak, until your dick is buried deep in one of her soft, tight warm places.  Until then, you need to stay alert and keep communicating. Another experience I had was with a man I had met with twice. I got a nice email from him the next day (the same day would have been nice), but nothing else for about a week.  WTF? Needless to say, I was not very receptive to his next booty call email.  Hey, if that's what he wants, fine. I made it clear that I was looking for a little bit more communication than that.
• Communicate after the meeting. Make sure you send her an email soon after you've had your fun. It's just a matter of being polite.  In that communication, don't lie and say things that are not true.  Don't say you're looking forward to seeing her again if you're not. If you do want to see her again, tell her so. Most importantly....
• Say thank you.  I don't care if you said it in the room before you left.  Say it again after the fact, in writing, when you are fully clothed and not asking her for anything else.

Ok, Prowlers, those are my best tips for today. Of course, I'll be sharing more in other posts as we go along.
Do you think I missed any important tips? Tell me in the comments or send me a note on Twitter.