Monday, March 12, 2012

The Care and Feeding of a Mistress

Most men would say that they know how to keep their mistress happy.  The only thing your mistress needs to be happy is regular access to your hot body and the amazing sex you generously bestow upon her. Right?

Well, maybe not so much. If you're talking about a short term (I define short term as two  months or less) fuck buddy relationship, that might be enough to keep her happy for awhile. I would think you would also need to spring for some hotel rooms and a nice meal every now and then, but maybe not.

If you want a long term relationship with your mistress, though, it's going to take more to keep her happy.  Women need some attention and any relationship needs a little bit of nurturing if it's going to last more than a couple of hours.

I've put together a few things that you may want to consider if you want to keep your mistress (married or not) in your bed rather than someone else's.

1. Be generous with genuine compliments. If she looks nice, tell her so.  If you enjoy her company, tell her so.  If she sucks your cock better than anyone you ever known, tell her that, too. Men tend to forget about his simple courtesy after they have known a woman for a while.  They assume that "she already knows I think that." Maybe she does, but she also needs and wants to hear it. If your mistress is married, she probably feels unappreciated at home and if she doesn't feel genuinely appreciated with you, she won't stay long. And let me be clear, I'm not talking about making things up.  Focus on what you like about her, and tell her.

2. Be generous in bed. It's easy to be generous in bed when you're trying to impress her, but what about several months into the relationship?  Do you fall back into a routine that makes sex more about you than about her?  Ok, I know that, from your perspective, it is all about you, but you know what I mean. Mix it up, keep it new and fresh. Remember, if she's married, she has boring sex at home.  Why would she risk her marriage for boring, unfulfilling sex with you?

3. Be generous with your communication. Let's say that you are planning to meet for some naughty fun next week.  Unless you and she have agreed to a radio silence policy, she should hear from you a few times between now and then using whatever communication channels you have agreed on. It doesn't have to be much, but let her know that you are thinking about her and care about her. If you don't communicate at all between meetings (except to set up the time, date, and location of the next meeting) she will eventually decide that you're not interested in her at all. Maybe you're not, but be prepared to lose her if you won't communicate.  I've cancelled more than one meet-up because of a lack of communication in-between meetings. I didn't make a big deal about it.  I didn't whine about communication ("Why didn't you call me or text me?"). I just became unavailable. Get it?

4. Be generous with simple gifts. This is a difficult area.  If she is married, it's unlikely that she can keep any of the standard gift items you might think of, like cards or flowers or jewelry.  And I wouldn't advocate spending much on her anyway.  Think about simple gifts, things that she can keep.  For example, I've got a thing about cute post-it notes. I could receive a little pad of cute post-it notes and keep them, without anyone thinking anything of it. Be creative. If she likes to read, books are a good idea. Remember, the gift itself is not the point.  The point is that you thought about her and went out of your way a bit to make her smile. The odds are good that her hubby is not thinking of her very much in those sweet little ways, so you will keep her attention if you do.

Let me share a little story with you. It's about a holiday and how it went down with me.  I won't tell you what holiday it was, but it was a traditional gift giving holiday. Unfortunately, I didn't get a gift from my husband. I didn't get a gift from my lover, either.  Ouch.  Not only that, but I got to listen to him talk about what a wonderful gift he got for his wife.  Don't get me wrong.  I was very pleased that he did something really nice for his wife.  She deserved that. And it wasn't about a gift at all. It was about being forgotten and taken for granted. Heck, lots women who have been married for a long time are forgotten by their husbands on "special" days. To be honest, I expected my husband to let the day go by without any recognition. But unlike most women, I got to experience the feeling of being forgotten by two men.

It sounds silly and petty, doesn't it?  I know it does, but what matters is how it feels. How much do you think I felt like going out of my way for either of those men? Exactly.

If you want her to keep you happy, you have to keep her happy.  It's a simple formula. If you make her feel wanted, she'll make you feel good. If you neglect her, she'll go away. It doesn't get much simpler than that.


Ethan Lambert said...

That's too funny. As someone who has historically gone with flings over affairs, I never would have thought of any of this at all.

Kat said...

Ethan - it all depends on what you're looking for, doesn't it?

Incidentally, I could change the topic to The Care and Feeding of a Wife, and the same things would apply. Interesting, no?

Anonymous said...

I think that's why it's so funny. I forget sometimes that people in long terms affairs are nurturing actual RELATIONSHIPS. Illicit and taboo, sure, but relationships nonetheless. The advice could almost be summed up with "Treat your mistress the way you should be treating anyone else you're in an LTR with, just with a little more discretion."

There was once a girl.... the first person I ever really broke my marital vows with. And that event was prologued with a long online friendship and flirtation. One V-Day I surprised her with heart-shaped cookies. It was just a funny little gesture for me, but for her it meant the world. That was years ago, and she I was happy she liked them, but I don't think I understood why it was so important to her until just now.

Ethan Lambert said...

Oops, that was me. Stupid smartphone.


Naughty Kitty said...

Great post Kat! I will be directing some potential long term lovers here to read this! And yes, I know exactly what you mean about the gift giving thing. I make a point of telling my lovers that I am not expecting gifts but there is something about the fact that they take a moment to at least acknowledge you on the day that makes it bearable.

alterego51341 said...

Great post Kat! You are spot on with your list. At the time when I broke things off with a former lover many of the things listed influenced my decision that it was time to move on. It was the right thing for me to do and instead of staying and feeling like I was settling I moved on and now I have a much more satisfying situation.

Kat said...

I"m glad you get it now, Ethan....and what a sweet thing to do! *I* would have loved some little heart-shaped cookies, but noooo. Ok, letting it go now.

Kat said...

Kitty and alterego - Thanks for the confirmation that I'm not crazy. Well, at least not about this. ;-)

I really wish more men would get that it's about letting your lover know you care about and that you are thinking of her. It's not *all* about sex.

Mr. Dryden said...

I've pulled out my mental notebook and jotted these down, nice post Kat. ;)

Most men are just dense. Guys have to do these little things, it's really a big part of what all women want in general. But yes, as I've come to learn through many of my female friends that this is all too common.

Maybe it's because I grew up around so many women that I understand this so naturally, but every woman likes to feel appreciated and respected.

When things are good, or bad, or even routine with my spouse, I still buy flowers, tell her she is beautiful (almost everyday), and give her plenty of hugs and kisses. I literally sit there and look at her and find things to appreciate about her.

This offsets when I'm cranky with her. If I'm going to find reasons to be upset with her, I need to spend just as much time, if not more, in a state of appreciation as well. In the end, this strengthens our relationship because I'm less inclined to find faults within her.