Knocking on the Back Door (Yes, This is about Anal Sex)

Last night, Hubby wanted anal sex. Those of you who have been following along here know that I'm a big fan of anal sex, but last night was different.  Why?  Because it has been about a quarter of a century since Hubby wanted anal.

Yes, you read that right.  A quarter of a century.  Some of you reading this aren't even that old yourselves.

It was a bit like the Twilight Zone (I know, I'm dating myself again) because JJ had been sending me some naughty texts and photos about anal sex earlier in the day. (If you've read the JJ stories on our Sex, Sex, Only Sex page, you know that JJ loves anal, and he's dang good at it...amazing actually.)

So, JJ got me thinking about it, and then Hubby asked for it.

The last time Hubby asked for anal, he concluded that he didn't like it as much as he liked fucking my other orifices, and that was that. No, there was no conversation about what I might like. Don't be silly.  Hubby is of the generation that is just now learning that some women actually enjoy sex. I've mentioned anal a few times over the years, but he wasn't interested.  He never actually said he wasn't interested, but I assumed that's what he was saying as he pushed my head down toward his cock. Some male gestures are universal, aren't they?

There's good anal sex and bad anal sex. I know that may sound strange, but it's true. Just like other sex acts, it can be done poorly or well. When it is done poorly, it's painful, dangerous, and unsatisfying.  When it's done well, it's absolutely fantastic.

Since it has been a while since I've written an advice post, and I've been asked for some anal tips via email several times in the last months, I thought I'd share some tips for safe and enjoyable anal sex and spend a little time answering some questions about it. I'll handle the Q&A first, then I'll attack the tips. Warning: there is some pretty graphic and direct language in the tips below. It's the serious poop about anal sex (I know, the pun is terrible, but I couldn't resist).  If you don't want to read the heavy stuff, just stop after the Q&A.

Q: Kat, what do you like about anal sex?

The thing I love most about it is not really about the physical act. For me, it's about domination. Being taken anally is a very dominant act. The force of it, the pain, the lack of control ---mmmmm.  I love it all.

Q: Can a woman have an orgasm during anal sex?

All of the "sex experts" out there will say no, but they are incorrect.  Most women can't come that way, but a small minority of women can. Others can, but only if they are already very, very close to climax. Many women who like anal sex can't come during the act, but they enjoy it anyway. This might seem strange to men who think that orgasm is the only purpose for sex, but not everything pleasurable in the sex act needs to end in orgasm for it to be good.

Q: Doesn't it hurt?

In a word, yes.  However, it should only hurt during insertion and using plenty of lube can minimize that.

Q: How is it different for men from ordinary vaginal sex?

This is really a question for a man to answer (Daunt?), but I've been told that it is tighter.  I also think that part of the turn on is the taboo factor, and the fact that most wives refuse to do it.

Q: Is it dangerous?

It can be if it's not done properly or if it's done too much. Remember, the anus was not made for sexual activity. (See the tips below for more on safety.)

Q: Isn't receiving anal sex just for women and gay men?

Nope. I know several heterosexual men who like it, too. Some like it for he variety, the change of pace.  Others enjoy the domination part. And then there's the prostate massage piece. Some men really enjoy the sexual pleasure that comes from prostate massage. Since I don't want to spend too much time in this post talking about prostate massage, here's a nice little video by Dr. Ruthie from Exploringintimacy.com on the topic.





For those of you who want the nitty gritty detail about anal sex, here are my 11 tips on how to have safe and enjoyable anal sex:

1. Lube, lube, lube. Sure, if there is enough natural lubrication going on "down there," you can skip the artificial lubricant, but that's just dangerous.  By the way, when I talk about the natural lubricant "down there" I'm talking about vaginal juices or semen from a previous sex act.  The anus is not self-lubricating like the vagina. Not only does good lubrication ease the pain for the woman (or whoever the "bottom" is), but the lining of the anus is vulnerable to tearing as a result of friction.  More lube = less of the bad kind of friction without giving up the good kind that you want. Use a water-based lubricant (because oil-based lubricants damage latex condoms, and water-based lubricant don't leave the same oily residual), and use plenty of it.  I prefer to just use the lubricant on the man's penis only, but some use it on the penis and spread it around and just inside the woman's anus, too.  Whatever works. But a little saliva from giving a rim job is not enough....just so you know.
2. Be clean. One of the biggest problems with anal play is that the anus is full of bacteria (it is the body's main waste disposal site, remember?).  Some are not not a big deal, and others can, literally, kill a person under the right (or should I say, wrong?) conditions. My advice to women who are into anal play is to always be prepared for it. What does that mean?  It means you should empty the anus and lower intestinal track of waste.  Some choose to do this with laxatives or enemas. In fact, I read a BDSM novel several months ago with a very graphic enema scene that was part of the sex play, and I was never more turned off in my life. If I weren't already into anal play before that, I may not have ever tried it.  Anyway....I'm not into laxatives or enemas; however, I pay attention to my own natural cycles, eat a lot of fruit in the day before my planned rendezvous, etc. If you need more details than this, email me.
3. Be very clean. The steps mentioned above are not enough, in my opinion, to be really clean. Some women choose to use disposable douche kits to clean out the anal area.  This is not the same as an enema because the intent is just to clean out any residual waste in the several inches adjacent to the anal opening, whereas the intent of an enema is to clean out the whole lower intestinal track. If you choose this approach, be very, very careful. Rupturing the anal lining is not good. I really can't emphasize this cleanliness issue enough.  I have been caught unprepared before and it was an embarrassing, and messy, experience.  Do you understand?  Please don't make me say it. Just trust me.  You don't want to experience it.
4. Use a condom. Some diseases can be passed on very easily through anal sex, and I'm not talking just about HIV. There are other diseases and infections that can be passed from one partner to the other that way.  Also, using a condom during anal sex prevents pregnancy.  I know, you're thinking, "Come on, Kat.  You can't get pregnant from anal sex." Well, that is technically true; however, if semen comes into contact with the area between the anus and the vagina, there's a chance that it can ooze into the vagina and cause pregnancy.  No, I'm not crazy, folks. Eight percent (8%) of people who do not use another form of birth control during anal sex become pregnant that way. So, if your life isn't important to you, maybe preventing pregnancy is.
5. Enter slowly.  Gentlemen, let me be clear. The entry part of anal sex is painful for your partner. Let me be more clear.  It hurts like hell. I'm talking about the pain of the stretching of the sphincter muscle before it relaxes.  So, you need to go s-l-o-w.  I recommend that you place the head of your cock at the opening and let your partner push back against you at her speed.  If she needs to stop to catch her breath and relax into it, let her.  Do not just start pressing forward. Wait until she indicates in some way that she is beyond the painful part.  Of course, if you are very familiar with your partner, you will probably have developed your own understanding of how to best handle entry.
6. Don't ignore all pain.  While some pain during entry is normal, that's the only pain that is normal during anal sex. If the pain continues beyond the initial entry and after the woman has relaxed for 30 seconds or so, stop! Maybe you need more lubricant.  Maybe you need to shift positions.  Maybe the internal area is not completely clean and the friction of waste rubbing against the anal lining is causing pain.  Don't push it (pun intended). Rupturing the anal lining can be very dangerous.
7. Communicate with your partner. You should communicate with your partner about what to expect beforehand.  You should communicate during the act if either of you is uncomfortable.  And you should communicate after the act to discuss what felt good and what didn't. If you're not comfortable talking about these things, get over it.
8. Clean up after. Going from ass to vagina and/or from ass to mouth is a dangerous practice that spreads infection. The negative consequences can be serious.  That said, I am well aware that some folks like their sex that way.  I love going back and forth between the ass and vagina, and I've sucked off more than one cock after it came out of my ass. It's not safe. It's bad. Yes, I'm a hypocrite. Do as I say, not as I do.
9. If your anal play includes digital penetration, be sure that your hands are clean and fingernails are clipped.  I've known someone who suffered serious anal damage that required a surgical repair because of untrimmed, sharp fingernails.  How would you like to explain that to the spouse?
10. Be careful with toys. Of course, make sure any toys you use are very clean before you start your anal play and clean then up very well after. You should also be careful not to be too vigorous with your play when you're using toys. If you are inserting a toy rather than a part of your own body, you can't feel what's going on down there. and it's easy to get carried away and misinterpret your partner's moans and screams as enjoyment when she's really begging you to stop.  Again, communication is key.
11. Pay attention to blood. Bleeding during or after anal sex is not normal and it could be a sign of a very serious issue. If you see blood, something has been torn. At best, a hemorrhoid may have burst and there may not be any negative consequences, or your partner has a small tear and will just feel a little pain later. But if the anal lining has been seriously ruptured, there's a chance that waste and bacteria can get into the abdominal cavity and cause all sorts of problems. Profuse bleeding can also be life threatening. Please don't ignore it.  If you have any doubt about how serious it may be, stop what you're doing and get to a doctor.  If there is extreme pain or bleeding, call 911. A little embarrassment over an overreaction beats the alternative if you don't get medical attention when you need it. Bleeding during or after anal sex is a very rare occurrence, so it's not something you should worry about, but you should definitely watch for it.

Wow.  I think I've just scared y'all away from ever having anal sex. I don't mean to do that, but a good dose of caution is warranted.

Since I have scared half of you and grossed out the other half, I think I'll close with another Dr. Ruthie video about anal sex because you can't be nervous about anything if you hear it from Dr. Ruthie. Here are Dr. Ruthie's top 3 Do's and top 3 Don'ts for anal sex: