Saturday, February 12, 2011

Lying and Cheating

I hate lying.  In fact, I am really a pretty honest person.  Ok, you can stop laughing now.  I know it sounds strange to say I am an honest person when the act of prowling like I do is inherently dishonest, but this is one of the strange contradictions of the prowling lifestyle.  Can you love your spouse and still have sex with (or, God forbid, love) someone else?  Sure you can.  Can you be a basically honest person while lying to your spouse just about every day to hide your extramarital activities?

The other evening, I was sitting on the couch next to my husband while I was text chatting on my mobile phone with my honey-on-the-side. When my husband asked who I was chatting with, I said, "A friend." He was satisfied with that answer at the time, but I was prepared with an alternative, if necessary. It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth, of course. The whole truth would have been something like, "A friend whose cock I really wish I were sucking right now." He doesn't need to hear the whole truth, does he? I don't think so.

This doesn't mean that I'm comfortable lying to my husband because I'm not.  Once my husband asked where I was right after I returned from a rendezvous. I had my story prepared and it rolled of my tongue easily and casually. I felt a stabbing pang of guilt, not because of the cheating, but because of the lying. In fact, I would like nothing better than to be able to tell him the truth and for him to be ok with it, but I know he wouldn't be.  I know he would be very hurt, and I don't want to hurt him. For those of you thinking, "Well, if you don't want to hurt him, you should just stop what you're doing," you should read my post Why Kat Prowls.

I've also heard people say that infidelity automatically weakens a marriage, even if it is never discovered, precisely because of the dishonesty. I disagree.  I'm sure that this may be the case for some people, but it's not my story.  I have been married for approaching 25 years to a wonderful man I love very much. I have been prowling, on and off, for about 14 of those years. My husband is happy.  He gets all the sex he wants (which isn't much) and so do I (which is a lot). The only secrets I keep from him are those related to my extramarital sexual activity. We share everything else.

I've known men whose marriages actually got better after having an affair because it took the pressure off the sex argument at home and they could really start appreciating their wives again. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, but wake up.  Life is not black and white. I'm not arguing that infidelity is right or moral, simply that it doesn't have to mean the end of a marriage.

I don't pretend to have all of the answers. If I did, maybe I would have found a way to get all of my sexual and relationship needs met within the context of my marriage, but I haven't.

I still hate the lying, but I'm hoping to meet my honey-on-the-side this week or next week for some incredibly satisfying sex and I'll lie again if I have to.

So, back to the question I posed at the beginning of this post.  What do you think? Can you be a basically honest person while lying to your spouse to hide your extramarital activities?



Master_Vyle said...

An excellent post. I totally understand.

-Master Vyle

S. said...

I think of honesty along the lines of a Kinsey scale of sorts. You would be hard pressed to find a "1" or a "6" on the scale( that is, a perfectly honest or totally dishonest person). As you allude to in the post, we all set our own boundaries in terms of how honest or dishonest we are willing to be and frankly, I know I've used the sliding scale of morality on more than one occasion to justify how honest or dishonest I am. Some might argue it's the intention behind the lies that would in essence indicate whether or not you are an honest person. If you are lying to yourself about why you choose not to disclose your infidelity, then maybe you you aren't a basically honest person (not you personally...the abstract "you")

Kat said...

S,is there such a thing as a perfectly honest person? I don't think so. Like you, I'm guilty of using that "sliding scale of morality." I think you put your finger on it, though, when you wrote about being honest with yourself. If you're lying to yourself, it would be hard to build a case about being an honest person, in general. However, don't we all lie to ourselves about something at some point?