The first thing you need to do is set aside what you want in bed, at least for the moment. While there are some striking similarities, men and women are different (I hope that isn't news to you). For most of the men I've met, sex is good if they come. Period. It's great if they come more than once. We women are a little more complicated than that. Here are a few of our secrets:
- Women want to have orgasms, too. The women who are reading this will think this is obvious, but it's simply not obvious to many men. Your wife may have convinced you that it's ok if she doesn't come every time, and it is, but that shouldn't be the norm. Here's how I explained it to my husband: Imagine that you're having sex and everything is going well. Your partner comes, and is very satisfied. Then it's over. Would that be ok with you? Maybe, depending on the situation. Would you consider it good sex? What's that? "Hell no!" you say? What if it happened every other time or, God forbid, every time? Get the point? Interestingly, many men will move heaven and earth to make sure their girlfriend comes, but they won't take the time to make their wife come. Then they call her "frigid."
- What women want most of all from sex within the context of a relationship is to make an emotional connection. Notice that I said "sex within the context of a relationship." A roll in the hay with a stranger is different. Whether the relationship is a marriage, an affair, or a friends-with-benefits situation, it's still about making an emotional connection for the woman. This is how you got confused when we told you it was ok if we didn't come every time, because our primary need is connection and relationship. The physical part, for most women, is still important, but it's secondary. So, how do you build that connection? Read on.
- Women want to be kissed. Kissing is a very intimate act. It says passion. It says, "I want you." If you have an aversion to kissing, get over it. I have known some women and men who refuse to kiss during sex outside the context of marriage because it's too intimate for them. All I can say to that is, "Well, you won't be having sex with me because kissing is mandatory." Of course, I'm married to a non-kisser so I won't put up with lack of kissing from a lover.
- Women want to be held. Yes, boys, that means cuddling to some degree. Why do we want this? Because it makes us feel safe. It makes us feel wanted. Trust me on this - you want us to feel safe and wanted. When we feel safe and wanted, we want to make you feel good.
- Women want to be seen and treated as a lover. It's easy to treat your honey-on-the-side as a lover because you don't see her cleaning up the dog shit or your kid's vomit, but your wife needs you to see her - and treat her - that way, too. If you treat us as if we are the sexiest lovers in the world, it is highly likely that we will be. If you treat us like we're your housekeeper whose job right now is to satisfy you sexually, don't be surprised when we lack enthusiasm. Yeah, we'll probably do it. Why? Because we crave that emotional connection (see # 2, above), but we won't be into it.
- Women want variety. You may love that one position every time...for years...but it drives us nuts. A little creativity goes a long way. We want to try out different positions and some toys, too. Also, I don't believe the good Lord gave me three places perfectly suited for a nice hard cock just so only one would be used. I know not all women agree with this, but it's my blog, so what the hell...
- Multiorgasmic women want to come more than once. For most multiorgasmic women, the first orgasm isn't the best one. The really good one is number 2 or 3 (sometimes 4). This is hard for most men to understand because you boys aren't blessed with the whole multi-orgasm gift. Stopping after the first one is a lot like stopping after really good foreplay and not coming at all.
- Women want to be touched - in lots of places, not just "down there." Some of us have extremely sensitive nipples and really get into sex if you pay with, suck, lick, and bite them. Some women go wild if you play with and kiss our necks and ears. Others want their thighs involved in the touching. It may take you some time to discover where your wife or lover most prefers to be touched, but it will pay off. Oh yeah, touching in other places is important, but don't forget to touch "down there," too.
- Women want the man to take the lead. I know this one is going to get me in trouble, but I'm standing by it. Sure, there are dominant women, but most of us are not sexually dominant. This doesn't mean that all women want to be dominated in an BDSM sense, but we do want a man to "be a man," so to speak. This also doesn't mean that there won't be times when your wife or lover will want to take the lead, but this is the exception, I believe (part of that variety thing; see number 6, above). Be sensitive, but confident. Gently take charge of the situation (or more roughly, if both of you are into that) and most women will melt into your arms.
- Women want you to take your time. Sure, there are times when a quickie can be fun, but if your whole sex life is about quickies, she's not happy. Foreplay matters (hey, that sounds like a great title and topic for another Kat post, doesn't it?). So does the afterplay. And if you're in a hurry and fingering her clit really fast and hard so she'll hurry up and come so you can get yours, it probably isn't going to happen. If you can't devote at least 30 minutes to getting her in the mood with kissing and foreplay and making her come as part of the warm-up, then maybe you shouldn't even start.
And isn't that what you really want?