Monday, July 23, 2012

DauntlessD, Where is he now?


Daunt here.  I know I haven't written as much as Kat, nor have I shared as much about myself; but from this point going forward I plan to.  I have no real goal in mind for this post, I'm just writing; and I seem to being lead just to introduce myself.  So, who is DauntlessD aka Dauntless Dreamer?  That's a good question, it's one I'm trying to figure out myself.  What I can tell you is a rough synopsis of how I got to where I am now.

Honestly it feels a little strange looking back on my life at age 43.  As I reflect, I now have the wisdom to see many of the patterns that caused me to choose the paths I did in life's crossroads.  One of these patterns is to do what I feel is the right thing for others even if it is to my own detriment.  Yes, it sounds selfless.  Yes, it feels honorable.  But it's a personality trait that has often hurt me.

I was married at 20 and shortly after had two children.  Needless to say life is pretty hard when you have two children early in your 20s.  By my mid-20s I realized I had no idea what I wanted in life.  This shortly after turned into a divorce.

Now remember that propensity I mentioned to always do the right thing for others?  Well this made the guilt and shame I felt for the divorce, and hurting my children, crushing.  So what did I do?  I bounced right into another relationship with a co-dependent emotionally unstable woman and married her.  The guilt and shame I felt from my divorce caused me to shutout my family and stay with my second wife for way, way too long.  Why? Because I thought I was doing the right thing for her, and I didn't want to feel that guilt and shame that I felt before.

I'm not sure when it happened exactly, but within the past couple of months I've had a strange realization.  I had finally forgiven myself for divorcing my first wife and hurting my children.  I think it happened within the past two years and it wasn't until I was living alone that I was thinking clearly enough to see it.  It has had an amazing affect on my outlook.  I don't have those awful feelings in regard to my second wife -- honestly I feel cleansed.

Today, looking forward, I feel like I'm getting a second chance at life. A second chance to live. I'm excited by the opportunities.  Also I know and understand myself better than I ever have before; I'm more confident in me and who I am.  Then at the same time it's daunting, almost overwhelming.  How on earth does a 43 year old man restart?  What am I going to do with this second chance?

Well PWK fans, it looks like you have a front row seat.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Restarting at 43 is not as hard as you think. I found myself widowed at 46 and started dating and having a blast. Think of all the fun you had on AM, now you can do it in the light of day without looking over your shoulder....although I know that's some of the fun too. Get out there on the okCupids and PlentyofFish and wade in...the waters fine.

Krazy said...

You only have at least another fifty years to live. According to statistics we will live to 110 or more. That being said... you don't need to rush into getting married again.;)

Same sassy girl said...

Hey Daunt! You can do it! You got a bunch of wacky bloggers behind you this time. :) Seriously, I started over at mumble gulp... 50! It's fun.

Naughty Kitty said...

Daunt! Cum to NJ to play with Naughty Kitty. We can start over together ;)

Ponyboy said...

Good for you Daunt! Best of luck in whatever that will look like.