Monday, July 23, 2012
DauntlessD, Where is he now?
Daunt here. I know I haven't written as much as Kat, nor have I shared as much about myself; but from this point going forward I plan to. I have no real goal in mind for this post, I'm just writing; and I seem to being lead just to introduce myself. So, who is DauntlessD aka Dauntless Dreamer? That's a good question, it's one I'm trying to figure out myself. What I can tell you is a rough synopsis of how I got to where I am now.
Honestly it feels a little strange looking back on my life at age 43. As I reflect, I now have the wisdom to see many of the patterns that caused me to choose the paths I did in life's crossroads. One of these patterns is to do what I feel is the right thing for others even if it is to my own detriment. Yes, it sounds selfless. Yes, it feels honorable. But it's a personality trait that has often hurt me.
I was married at 20 and shortly after had two children. Needless to say life is pretty hard when you have two children early in your 20s. By my mid-20s I realized I had no idea what I wanted in life. This shortly after turned into a divorce.
Now remember that propensity I mentioned to always do the right thing for others? Well this made the guilt and shame I felt for the divorce, and hurting my children, crushing. So what did I do? I bounced right into another relationship with a co-dependent emotionally unstable woman and married her. The guilt and shame I felt from my divorce caused me to shutout my family and stay with my second wife for way, way too long. Why? Because I thought I was doing the right thing for her, and I didn't want to feel that guilt and shame that I felt before.
I'm not sure when it happened exactly, but within the past couple of months I've had a strange realization. I had finally forgiven myself for divorcing my first wife and hurting my children. I think it happened within the past two years and it wasn't until I was living alone that I was thinking clearly enough to see it. It has had an amazing affect on my outlook. I don't have those awful feelings in regard to my second wife -- honestly I feel cleansed.
Today, looking forward, I feel like I'm getting a second chance at life. A second chance to live. I'm excited by the opportunities. Also I know and understand myself better than I ever have before; I'm more confident in me and who I am. Then at the same time it's daunting, almost overwhelming. How on earth does a 43 year old man restart? What am I going to do with this second chance?
Well PWK fans, it looks like you have a front row seat.